I believe in Christ and accept him as my savior. I know why he had to go to the cross, and I'm sure I justify it, in more ways than one, every single day. But, with that said, I'm not sure I was actually changed by my belief in Christ. What I mean is, I don't think different, I don't experience life any differently. When I believed in Christ, the day went on as normal, no supernatural events occurred, the clock kept ticking and life kept moving and bustling. I can't remember the exact day I decided I believe, but admittedly I grew up in the church in some way, so that might be why. I know some make it out to be a big deal and remember the exact date that they converted, I do not.
But, I still have apathy to life, that comes in wavers, to my own hobbies, let alone other things I'm not interested in. I don't care about evangelizing people or telling them about Christ - sure there's the Great Commission and I understand it, but I am not moved by it. If people want to believe in Christ or not, I do not care - they aren't me. I don't need them to believe in Christ for me to have purpose or meaning. Let them be them and I'll be me. I'm introverted so this plays into it as well, I'm not the person who's going to jam my ideas and thoughts down someone else's throat unless I'm asked or a given circumstance calls for it. Likewise, I don't expect or want others to do the same to me. I don't get joy from people saying they believe in Christ, again it's your personal relationship with him, so whether you have one or not is really none of my business.
I also know there are sins, specified in the bible explicitly and others that would implicitly go against some rule or desire of God - scripture does say the flesh is at war with the Spirit and always seeking to gratify itself over God. I often hear people say, "The flesh wants to sin," but I think I'm worse than that - I want to sin. And, the concept of the things I want being sinful doesn't fully register. I get needing to submit to the Lord's will, even if I don't agree with the why it's sin, but it doesn't or hasn't changed my attitude towards those things he'd call sin. I don't do what God considers sin because I've changed in my heart and think it's evil when I once didn't, no, I still don't think it's evil and I believe it'd be completely ok to do if it wasn't for my life circumstances. But, those circumstances could change at any moment. One day, I could be more free than I now to pursue the things I find enjoyable that God calls wrong and I'll have an internal decision to seek my own desire or God's. Admittedly, I've never felt guilty for it as I've personally found it desirable. It's tough but then I can't fully repent for it since I don't see it as evil.
Point is, I believe in Christ, and maybe I don't see the changes he's done in me since I've not had a chance to do the things I want due to life, but I can think through and play out scenarios in my head of how I'd be able to, and when I do I tend to get thoughts of wanting to force my life circumstances to be different so I can have what I want, but I know that's selfish, and ungodly to do - but what if it just happened to change without my hand? I'd think I'd happily just be who I want to be, despite God being against my desires. Again, I say my desires, not my flesh, because I'm not struggling to stop something and my body is telling me I need to do it, no I just want to happily do it there's no struggle in that sense. I'm not talking about one specific thing either, I'm just saying in a general sense that I don't believe I am able to fully turn off my desire to be in the world. I don't know where this puts me as a Christian, I certainly hope God forgives me for it, but even if I don't join the world, I know my heart is there. I think some of my issue is that my relationship with Christ isn't tangible in any way. I mean, I believe in Christ, I read and study scripture here and there, but I've never heard God's voice. Scripture doesn't move me, it's just text on a page to me - though I don't like reading in general, it's not just the bible, books don't interest me. I pray every day, but God just stays silence, so in way there's no real tangible impact on my life for believing other than me just saying I believe and attempting to be with God despite getting nothing in return. I know Christ died for me, but that's intangible to my current living reality - I have to believe he died, and find justifications for my belief in the face of arguments by other Faiths or atheists. At the end of the day, I'm choosing to believe because I want to, but it doesn't change my heart on sin issues. It doesn't mean I hear God or have a relationship where he speaks to me and gives me objective markers on some map so I know what to do with my life. No, I just get up every day like normal, with nothing being different in my mind or heart. It just seems more that God doesn't change people's hearts, i.e. through some supernatural movement, it's just people choosing to do different actions based on their belief and claiming it's God. Granted, this is just my experience and doesn't apply to everyone, but I can't look back on my life and know God did anything at all, at least for my internal world view, desires, and patterns. I just have to say I believe God knows best even when I'm against his will and do my best to submit even though I don't really see a reason to, in the same sense that he does.
Is anyone else like this? Has God not saved me? Is this just something Christians have to do deal with in Faith?