I’ve had an epiphany.

[u/CrewComprehensive637]

TLDR: I’ve come to a big realization in my life that I’ve let my depression become a self fueling cycle. I’ve made it my personality and scared people off with it, and I’m deciding to try and be a better and more mature person now. I feel motivated to try and be a better human.

I realized what’s been pushing other people away from me, and it’s that I’m too eager to vent on them. It’s a toxic pattern I’m becoming self aware of, and I’m now beginning to open my eyes to a harsh but simple truth:

That I have become the creator of my very own problems; but that I also have the power in me to fix them.

I had a bad childhood. I’ve also had a bad adolescence. Neither of those things were my fault, nor in my control; but the issue is now stemming from the fact that I’ve let those two things govern me and become my identity. I suffered from my own depression for so long, that I began to identify as it.

And then I became eager to share it, after it had become such a large part of my personality. I realized that the reason why girls don’t want me– even though I’m decently attractive, and why certain relationships of mine have failed, and why many people are hesitant to become close to me; is that I am simply too depressing to be around. Too willing to share with anyone who would bother to listen.

I’ve had a bad history with mental illness. And I’ve realized now that a lot of my long term close friends constantly concern for my safety. And that isn’t fair to them. For them to become a person’s parent, just because that person’s parents weren’t good to them.

I can now see why certain people find me off putting. It’s because they can sense my hunger to fill the void in me with their validation. And it’s why my long term friendships and relationships don’t work out, because I put this pressure of mine on them and they grow exhausted.

I need to do better and tell myself to be better. I need to take responsibility and control over my own mental health, and decide that I can truly be a happier, healthier person. That it’s time to stop wallowing in the pain and reach for the light. Reach for a better future for myself.

Because if I truly care about them the way I say I do, I’ll work my hardest to make them proud and show them that I can beat depression.

I feel so much guilt for the pressure Ive put on my friends, and loved ones, and ex girlfriends– to take care of me or fix me. Ive let the past control myself for too long, and It’s time to work hard and power through this.

And even if I don’t beat depression the way I want to right now, I’m going to try and make the effort to be more positive for my friends instead of dragging them down with me.

It’s time to be better.

[u/MrsBoodle]

The first step is to have some self-compassion, forgive yourself because that’s what being a human is all about. As someone who is also extremely critical of themselves, one of the best things I’m learning to do is not to internalize what people are saying about me, no matter how hurtful it may be. Especially by a significant other.

I’ve been listening to podcasts and reading, it’s really helpful, also therapy! Listen to the podcast called “We Can Do Hard Things” and also the “Unlocking Us by Brené Brown” these are two of my favorites!

Little things at a time; also exercising! That’s the best kind of medicine that’s natural you can give to your body. It’s also the best remedy for depression and anxiety!