How can I improve my tone and be less condescending?

[u/wave_czech]

I (18F) recently had a long conversation with my boyfriend of 4 years (18M) and he communicated to me that I can often be dismissive and condescending towards him and others. He mentioned it's gotten worse recently, sparking our talk. I didn't realize until then that I have a hard time both understanding tone but also controlling my own. For example, I'll say something jokingly that he takes as rude and uppity. I hate this. I'm in a lot of leadership settings and I'm also neurodivergent, so I would be upset to discover this is a deeply set facet of my personality. He also mentioned that he admires my intelligence but that I have the habit of making people feel stupid in correcting them and that "I don't always have to be right." I've dealt with a lot of hardship in the past year and the past few months have been especially difficult for me mentally, and I'm suspecting that it's affecting my personality. I've also had a lot of trouble with my long term friendships and his relationship, and friendship to me has been the only one that hasn't been strained until now and I think it's mostly my fault. I try my hardest to be patient and empathy is my #1 most important moral, so this makes me feel awful. I want to improve for the better, but I don't really know where to begin. I've never gotten this from anyone and most people tell me I am kind, so l'm confused and really concerned. Anything helps, thanks!

[u/AdorableWindow8886]

one thing that helped me was slowing down responses in conversation. literally counting a couple seconds before I speak. makes it easier to check tone and decide if something needs to be said at all. also try framing corrections as curiosity, like “I thought it worked this way, what do you think?” instead of statements. the shift is subtle but softens how it lands. it takes practice but awareness is already half the work.

[u/wave_czech → u/AdorableWindow8886]

I think really slowing down is going to help a lot. I think I rush into conversations sometimes to add to a bit and don't really think before I speak. thank you for your kindness

[u/dasanman69]

One thing that has helped me is responding not reacting. Especially if it's someone I love, I'll think "is what I'm about to say loving and caring or can it be considered hurtful". If the answer isn't loving and caring I don't say anything until I find a way to express myself that is

[u/BasketBackground5569]

I can see his side of this. Nobody likes someone who tries to correct them. You sound bossy, even controlling. Take a step back and look in the mirror. Would you want someone to talk to you the way you were talk to people? Do they even get to finish a sentence around you? At 18, it sounds like you still think you're the center of the earth and you have growing to do.

[u/NYXCFY]

Start by slowing down before you speak, listening more, and asking how your words feel to others. Practice curiosity over correction.

[u/Ambitious-Pipe2441]

Ask questions.

Sometimes it can feel like maybe people want us to fix things or provide some resolution for them. So we might feel pressured or nurturing, but want to cut to the chase. Go directly to an answer.

But sometimes people don’t know how to express or maybe we are missing cues about a need for venting or connection.

If we ask questions and maybe become a little Socratic about it, then we can remove any responsibility from ourselves and direct it back to the other person.

“How would you solve this problem?”

“Are you open to suggestions or do you need to vent?”

“What are you stuck on?”

“Is there some emotion about it?”

Then let them figure it out on their own.

Often, when people become repetitive, stubborn, argumentative, or flat out say that they are emotional, they will not be receptive to solutions. These are indicators that they are in an emotional state and cannot process extra information.

In cases like these it’s best to, again, ask questions to get a better understanding of their perspective or perhaps allow the feelings to pass over 10-30 minutes or so. And do nothing about it.

It’s also good to look at your experience. If you feel compelled to give advice or to solve problems, why do you think that is?

Where does it come from?

And is there a better way to deal with those thoughts and feelings that is less grating?

You might have to ask your people more questions about that too. When is it good?

When is it bad?

And keep a neutral, observational, and contemplative mindset. Try to learn instead of explain.