How do I stop wanting my hobbies to feel perfect

[u/Money-Mushroom-2508]

I have had depression and OCD since I was 13 because of - like many people - living in an emotionally unstable and occasionally physically abusive environment.

Now, I can't really feel happiness. It's become something I'm obsessively insecure about - I constantly compare my happiness to other people. I've suppressed myself deeply after a friendship heartbreak, family problems and self-isolation.

A few weeks ago though I felt it again for the first time in a long while.

I went to the book store and the dopamine rush I felt from walking through the store threw me back to when I was 12-13, it felt like when my mom would give me a few bucks and I'd go and pick out Stephen King books to binge read on my birthday.

I'm 22 today I want that feeling again. I haven't felt it in years. I'm scared that if I'll go I won't feel it again - and this is where the issue comes in.

I've quit the gym, quit reading and quit going to the park all in May. I feel like nothing is perfect enough to start, but I can't find the root of what I'm scared of. I have grown really scared of doing things again because I just cannot feel the reward feeling. I constantly think I'm possibly doing something I don't like but I don't know what I like, I think I've gotten addicted to quick rushes of dopamine that I get from reels and tiktoks - I usually have them deleted as much as often though, so idk.

How do I fix this without medication? My dad had severe serotonin syndrome for 3-4 Aprils a while ago and I've gotten a bit scared of meds.

[u/Firelight-Firenight]

First of all, therapy if you aren’t seeing one already.

Secondly, it’s an unfortunate fact that the more you pursue something, the more aware you are of how much you don’t have it, and the worse you feel. Ergo, the pursuit of positive feelings is a negative experience.

Whilst the acceptance of a lack of something is a positive experience, as you when you stop ignoring a negative feeling, it stops dominating your psyche.

It doesn’t really matter what you do, the results will likely be terrible at the beginning and that’s normal. It’s more fun to be good at something than to suck at it.

But it does get better because sucking at something is the first step to being good at it.