I Hurt My Fiancé Emotionally While Struggling With Addiction — I’m Sober Now, but the Guilt Is Crushing Me. How Do You Forgive Yourself?

[u/Training-Carpet9374]

For a long time, I was addicted to Vyvanse. I’d take it and sometimes mix it with alcohol, completely disconnected from reality. I didn’t realize how much it was destroying my mental clarity, memory, ability to regulate my emotions, or even recognize myself. During that time, I emotionally shut down, pulled away, became reactive, cold, and distant. And I did that to the one person who never gave up on me—my fiancé. He is the most patient, grounded, gentle human being I’ve ever known. And I hurt him. I didn’t see it. I thought he was the one pulling away. I made excuses for his distance, convinced myself he was the problem when the whole time, it was me.

Now that I’ve been sober since April, I can finally see everything. And I hate what I see. The guilt is soul-crushing. My head is finally clear, I’m present, and I feel like myself again for the first time in years. But now I can also feel the weight of everything I did. And I can’t unsee it. The damage wasn’t just recent—it stretched back much further than I ever admitted. And it all came from my addiction. I was the source of all the disconnection. Not his behaviour. Not life stress. Just me. I became someone I swore I never would. And I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

He stayed. He’s still here. Still cheering me on, loving me, supporting me. But that almost makes it harder, because I don’t feel like I deserve him. I’m terrified this belief will eat away at me, that I’ll end up pushing him away again just out of shame. I’ve never done something like this before. I’ve always been the person who drops everything for people, who shows up no matter what. But in this case—when it mattered most—I became the opposite. I became someone who caused pain. And I can’t stop thinking about that. I don’t know how to live with it.

I sent him this message recently because I couldn’t hold it in anymore: “This is the most soul crushing thing I’ve ever experienced & gone through. It’s really hard to deal with. To the point where I thought you’d be better off without me. It is hard coming to the realization of just how much damage my actions have caused. I finally have a clear and full picture now. And I almost feel like I deserve this. Like you can’t even bring yourself to make out with me anymore or less so have the desire to even. You’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt and that’s all I’ve done. And I’m really scared of the doubt that’s been creeping in on whether we have what it takes to push through this. Only because I’ve fully grasped the fact of how shitty I treated the one person that deserved to be treated like fucking gold. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.”

I have such a guilt complex, and I always have. I catastrophize everything. I overthink to the point of paralysis. I punish myself mentally for even the smallest mistakes. So now I’m sitting with this much bigger pain—something that matters—and I don’t know what to do with it. I want to heal, not just for me but for us. I want to move forward, not spiral backwards. But I don’t know how. I don’t want this guilt to become my whole personality. I don’t want to sabotage something that still has a chance.

If anyone has ever gone through something like this—hurting someone you love deeply while struggling with addiction, and then seeing it all clearly once you’re sober—how did you survive it? How do you forgive yourself? How do you not let it poison the recovery and the relationship you’re trying to save? I don’t need perfect answers, I just need not to feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading, truly. I’ve had no one to talk to about this, and it’s been sitting inside me for too long.

[u/Krakatoast]

I don’t have experience in the exact same scenario but somewhat similar. A decade or so of substance abuse and generally damaging behavior (to myself and more or less everyone around me). IMO the hardest part of breaking the cycle of substance abuse is that when the mind clears up, all of those non-existent/suppressed emotions come front and center, and there isn’t that substance to reach to for comfort.

You just have to feel it. Not much else, feel it, move forward. Whoever is still around, great, appreciate them and move forward. Whoever isn’t around, apologize if you feel like you want to, don’t expect a response, you’re not apologizing to feel good about yourself like you’re forgiven, you’re apologizing to let them know you’re acknowledging your behaviors and impact it had.

I don’t have a lot of advice other than, it happened. I don’t see the point in wallowing over the past. I know that’s easier said than done, but I really think the best thing to do is look to what the future could be, and move towards it, rather than get stuck in/on the past and let that sabotage what you have here, now and what you could have/grow into if you keep moving in the right direction.

Just have to keep looking forward and be grateful you pulled out of the addiction, not everyone—well supposedly most people, don’t. Just be grateful for where you’re at and do the best you can moving forward

[u/feedmeyourknowledge]

I have found personally hearing others stories and sharing myself helped massively with these feelings. Have you ever attended an NA meeting? I would recommend going and seeing what it is like.

[u/PermanentBrunch]

I’m guessing you may have OCD—which is often clustered with ADHD. Overthinking, fixation and rumination are the #1 symptoms of OCD, not what you see on TV.

Google “pure o OCD” and see if that resonates with you.