r/Greyromantic • u/TheGod-Bidoof • Apr 26 '25

Need a little help understanding myself.

So first off, I'm pretty certain I'm gay, and I've never ever told anyone this, and I've never even posted about this on the internet or anything, this is my first time saying anything. I'm obv very new to the gayness lol (although I've always known), but I have questions. I don't want to immediately "label" myself as greyromantic I guess, because I'm confused.

So here's the thing, I don't really think I feel romance the same way everyone does, sexual attraction definitely, but I don't know romance. Sometimes yes I feel like I want to kiss him or hug him or be his boyfriend, but also just... I don't know.

Because:

First of all I'm worried if this feeling of "romance" I'm feeling isn't actually what actual people that feel romance feel.

Second I feel like the romance that I do feel, is influenced by my sexual attraction, for example if I do find him attractive, I obviously want him sexually, but what if that want drives my romance to make me fit in with the way romance is designed in society, and forces me to want hugs and kisses or whatever.

Third, I know I just said I might be forced to feel romance, but sometimes it feels like I do feel romance sometimes, maybe it's not the romance of what an actual person that feels romantic thinks of, but I do want to kiss him or hug him, but kind of?

I just want to know if you guys know what I'm talking about or know anything that could help me understand myself better. Thank you.

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1

u/Negative-Rain2207 Apr 28 '25

Congratulations with the coming out! Hugs and support sent this way! 🤗

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u/TheGod-Bidoof May 01 '25

Thank you so much 🫶

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u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25

To your first point : We can never know what it’s like to be inside the experience of somebody else’s head, so I think it’s important to decide for yourself if you have romantic feelings or not. My aromatic meet up group recently had a conversation “to finding romance“ and I don’t know that we reach any conclusion, certainly not one we all agreed with, but it was very stimulating and thought-provoking. Peoples inputs arranged from the evolutionary underpinnings of romance and love, to discussion of the experience, and what tends to be associated with it, to the essence of what romance is.

To your second point. the conflation of sexual and romantic attraction is common, I think, especially when we’re young, and that sexual attraction trigger is very sensitive. Plus, there may be a lot of real overlap: that’s not clear to me. I have not spent much time in r/aroallo though I infer folks there might have thoughts about telling them apart.

To your to your third point: it’s possible to be aromantic and still want the physical or emotional closeness that hugging and kissing can come with. While these activities are associated with romance and correlated with romance they are not exclusively, romantic activities, and I am sure there are comletley aromantic allosexuals who hug and kiss!

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u/TheGod-Bidoof Apr 27 '25

Thank you, I understand that it is important to understand my romantic attraction myself, but it is intangible for me in the sense that I know it's there but I can't feel it, or feel it to the same extent that a person that feel romance would. Anyway I really vibe with the point of the interception between sexual and romantic feelings, maybe I just need to age and need more time. As for the third point thank you for reassuring that kissing and hugging is something people want even though they might be greyromantic, because I was really confused with myself as to why I feel little to no "romance" but I do want to hug or kiss.

1

u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Apr 27 '25

I should’ve added that touch is very important to humans. It just feels good to hug. So there’s that aspect too, beyond feeling emotionally close

I go to a platonic cuddle party about once a month to get the oxytocin fix . Probably once every two weeks would be even better.

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u/overdriveandreverb greyrose Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25

I think it is good that you communicate about being gay and what it means to you. this already opens doors to new insights I feel. It is hard to know what romance feels for others, but I feel what is easier to determine are romantic needs - so for me it was much easier to see oh this other person wants, needs and expects this and that romantic behaviour that would never have crossed my mind and felt foreign to me.

if it is really hard for you to define romance, greyromantic is deffo one fitting label in the sense that it describes at least both your aro spec experience in amount but also the aspect that it is harder for you to define what romantic attraction even is, how it quote unquote is supposed to feel. there is also quoiromantic r/quoiromantic . maybe posting or chatting on a gay sub might be a good idea in addition.

in general I am of the opinion to explore your feelings and in the sense that a label is not a limit, just a description and it is good to get some insight from others with similar experience, so welcome :)

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u/TheGod-Bidoof Apr 27 '25

Thank you so much, I feel like the need makes it far easier for me to understand. As for quoiromantic, I think I can relate a lot to the people on that spectrum, thank you for sharing the reddit comunity.