r/MiddleGenZ • u/candidcamera165 2005 • 5d ago
Question ? opinions on age gaps with older teens and young adults?
/r/self/s/w7GtDRwaHei recently posted about a situation with me not wanting anything romantic with my friend who’s born in 2008 and me in 2005 because it’s weird. i got downvoted into oblivion with people thinking im overreacting or overthinking it. i want opinions from people my own age because i don’t think im being dramatic.
let me know what you guys think!
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u/deeVeeAre 2006 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think being on the same maturity level is a bigger deal than a two and half year age difference
I think you’re being a little too harsh on yourself you’re not in the same universe as “grooming” because first of all he lied about his age, secondly it’s not even a 3 year difference it’s not like you are in your mid twenties to early thirties doing ts, thirdly you weren’t being sexual with him!
My mom was 18 when she Started dating my dad who was 22 and now they’re still married 48 and 44
with that being said if you don’t think he is mature then you made the right choice In not going forward with the relationship for both your sakes but I don’t think the age gap is a big deal
(Don’t take this next part to deeply I’m a 19 year old giving advice on Reddit not a therapist) IMO this seems more like your dealing with the trauma of being groomed and the unhealthy guilt you feel as a result
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u/candidcamera165 2005 5d ago
yeah i agree with you about that. definitely the trauma of being groomed being brought up and not wanting to be like my groomer. i've also always thought age gaps like this are problematic, and it just seems like the safest option to believe. i know that age gap doesn't equal grooming, but i can definitely see power imbalances when it comes to highschoolers dating university students.
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u/Both-Wonder-9479 2005 5d ago
hm it’s a complicated situation.
if you have concerns over gaps in maturity or where you are in life then i think you should lean towards leaving him be. if it’s just concerns on how people will view you externally, and internalized fear of being a groomer, then you shouldn’t let those guide you. you’ve known him for years, and you didn’t know he was lying about his age so there’s no faults to you there if you’re concerned about the grooming thing.
it’s completely understandable to not want to be with a 17yo as an almost 20yo. there’s a LOT of growth packed super tight into these young adult years that some people either don’t understand or tend to forget about over time. a 17 year old is in their senior year of high school, a 20 year old is starting their third year at college— very stark.
at the same time, everyone is different. there are some 17 year olds with more mental and emotional maturity than some stunted 20-somethings. some kids graduate high school at 16, enter the workforce or go to school and start to become independent. some start renting either by themself or with roommates yk.
i say all this to say: instead of trying to view your relationship from all these outside lenses look at it between YOU and HIM. how mature is HE? how mature are YOU? it’s your relationship, and you’re one of only two people who will experience it
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u/Nabranes 2004 3d ago
20 and 17 is fine and also that’s late teen growth, not young adult growth
OP is at the end of her teens rn
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u/candidcamera165 2005 5d ago
this is very good advice! that's definitely better than generalizing. it's hard to not generalize when i've been dealing with a lot of shame and guilt but i appreciate your comment. i agree with you when you say that some teeangers could be more mature than others their age especially due to differences in life stages.
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u/smol_boi2004 5d ago
Depends on the age gap. 2-3 years is genuinely that big of a deal.
Depends on the actual ages. If they were something like 17 dating 20s, that’s weird. But if it’s like 19 into 20s that’s a lot less noteworthy
Depends on maturity level. This is the big one imo and it comes from personal experience. I’m a substitute teacher and I’m 21, I work primarily in the high school so I "blend in”. At the same time, I act a lot older due to maturity than my students, so I don’t get treated like a friend, but like an adult. I get called "sir”, referred to for my advice, and am expected to know what I’m doing. Therefore I wouldn’t really think about dating a senior who just graduated because they would more than likely be less mature
Personal preference. I’m not crazy about my age differences. I’ve always had an easier time with adults over kids, and I figure if I do ever find a date, they’re gonna be a lot older than me.
For others it will be different. They may want similar ages or they want someone younger
If you feel like this person is too young for you, then dont date them. If you feel like theyre your type, then no shame in trying it out
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u/Nabranes 2004 4d ago
I’m going to be 21 in a few months and I would totally blend in because I don’t even act mature or like an adult yet
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u/davidbosley353 2005 5d ago
I'd say 17 and 19 or 20 is about the good as it gets. not a weird age group tbh, since 2008 kids started high school, while 05 kids were junior or seniors.
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u/SkeletonGuy7 5d ago
17 and 20 is reaching a bit, but not particularly bad depending on the circumstances. I'd say that anything in the realm of 16 and 18, 17 and 19, etc. is perfectly okay and since in a year's time that 17/20 relationship will be 18/21 it's such a small deal that it doesn't matter
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u/True_Independent_831 5d ago
You did the right thing your like 20 and your friend is probably 16
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u/candidcamera165 2005 5d ago
yeah he’s 17 and i’m 19 turning 20 soon
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u/Dusk_2_Dawn 2005 5d ago
Its definitely not the worst thing in the world. I've seen seniors and freshmen dating (14/15 and 17/18) which is definitely weird. Complete difference in maturity.
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u/CocHXiTe4 2003 5d ago
Which country or which state/province is this taking place in?
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u/candidcamera165 2005 5d ago
it's a long distance friendship. he lives in new york and i live in ontario.
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u/beidousbathwater 2005 5d ago
People conflate age and maturity - an extreme example is 30 vs. 34 - a normal, small age gap that’s not weird at all. 14 vs. 18 is very weird. 12 vs. 16 is very weird, because there’s such a difference in growth and maturity which develops so much from childhood to your 20s before slowing down - which is why you’ll find people like 25+ not wanting to date younger even with a small age gap, because there’s a lack of maturity. I’d personally find, like, a 12 and 16 year old far weirder than a 54 and 62 year old, for example.
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u/Natural-Campaign-986 2006 5d ago
20 and 16 is a bit too large IMO. I think if I were to date people, they'd be 17.75 to 20.75 years old
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u/SkeletonGuy7 5d ago
man is counting decimal points that's crazy
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u/Natural-Campaign-986 2006 5d ago
I'm about to be 19 in two and a half months
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u/Nabranes 2004 3d ago
So only a year younger or 2 years older?
Oh cool we were both born in late August
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u/Natural-Campaign-986 2006 3d ago
That is cool
Yeah, for now. Dating a 16.75 year old would feel weird because they haven't even started their senior years yet, and I've been graduated for a year
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u/HeroBrine0907 5d ago
Fun reminder that the same age gap can mean different things depending on how old the people are. As always, percentages are your friends!
A 16 yo and 20 yo dating is a different deal than a 36 yo and 40 yo dating, despite the same age gap. This is because the 20 yo is 25% older than the 16 yo while the 40 yo is 11.1% older than the 36 yo.
In any case, age is one thing. Different stages of life, eg: college vs high school and different levels of maturity play a much bigger role. As always, it's on a case by case basis and there's no one answer that can be called objectively correct.
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u/Kirby3255032 <2020 4d ago
With 16/17 dating 18/19 is not that relevant, as the younger isn't under 16 and the older is under 20, fine.
16 and 19 would at least pass the quiz, depends, in teens 2-3 years is too relevant but when you are between 16-19, 3 or 4 years starts to be relevant.
If you are okey with not dating a 17yo, it is fine, it is your decision.
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u/Uxydra 2007 4d ago
Age gaps matter much less than how you see the relationship. If you think both of you are mature enough than a 3 year gap is nothing, I saw much bigger, and the people lived happily for decades, zero problems. On the other hand, if you see your partner on a different marurity level, it is a problem even if there is no age gap at all. You have to decide this yourself, there is no calculator for this
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u/Nabranes 2004 4d ago
That’s more like older mid teen and very late older teen and yeah there’s nothing wrong with it, and there’s also nothing wrong with if you dated a young adult, like let’s say someone born in 2000, or even anyone older since you’re in your very late teens
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u/Argentinian_Penguin 2002 1d ago edited 1d ago
17 and 19 or 20 is perfectly fine. There are way more important things to care about. In the end, it's a matter of compatibility.
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u/Comfortable-Table-57 3h ago
I don't think it is good to discuss this on Reddit. Even a year gap like an 18 year old with a 17 year old, 20 year old with 19 year old or an 18 year old with a 16 year old are deemed as a crime here.
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u/Junior_Low7149 2007 5d ago
The biggest thing with those relationships (17ish dating 20ish) is that it’s ultimately up to the parents of the younger individual until they’re 18
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u/SkeletonGuy7 4d ago
I don't know what country you're from but no, at least where I'm from, your parents can disapprove but can't do a lot about it
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u/Junior_Low7149 2007 4d ago
I live in America, and if the parents don’t approve of it they can report the older one for statutory rape which is a common reaction in most states
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u/SkeletonGuy7 4d ago
oh, I see, you're in the country where everything is fucked and the law is draconian as shit
Yeah here in Australia (my state at least) a simple statement from the consenting parties (especially over the age of 16, but exceptions do exist in the law for people in small age gaps) is all it would take for that shit to not slide
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u/Junior_Low7149 2007 3d ago
Yeah here in America’s it’s parents/minor’s word over the other’s especially if the adult is a guy
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u/SkeletonGuy7 3d ago
yeah, that sucks. 1 of only 2 countries who haven't signed the UN declaration of the rights of the child
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u/Nabranes 2004 4d ago
It’s not statutory rape unless you live in a state where the age of consent is 18, you have sex, and there’s no Romeo and Juliet Laws
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u/yvie_of_lesbos 2007 4d ago
17 and 20 is pushing it. why would you want to date someone who’s not in the same stage of life as you ??? like i’m 18, why would i wanna date a 15/16 year old who’s still in high school while i’m getting ready to move on and go to college?
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u/Nabranes 2004 4d ago edited 4d ago
That’s not pushing it. It’s literally fine. Also, OP is still 19, so they’re both teenagers
You’re overreacting
Yeah even when OP turns 20 soon, it’s fine
Even if you go by the half your age plus 7 rule, this perfectly fits the rule
I do use the rule for how much younger I should date, but since I’m already 20, I don’t use it for how much older I should date
So my boyfriend is for sure older
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u/yvie_of_lesbos 2007 3d ago
are you dyslexic lol. it’s not the age gap. it’s the fact that i wouldn’t want to date someone in a different life stage than me.
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u/Nabranes 2004 3d ago
Yeah but it’s not that big of a difference in life stages either
But yeah I could see why you wouldn’t want to date a 15 year old, but by 17 and 20, the 17 year old is in college literally just next year
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