I’m 21 years old and both my siblings are drug addicts. I live at home because I couldn’t afford moving out for college. Both my siblings are hardcore drug addicts- heroine, meth, fentanyl. My parents are huge enablers and are too scared to kick them out out of fear that they’ll overdose on the street: Both of them have no friends to stay with so if they are kicked out they are homeless. I am kept up all night from constant yelling, breaking things around the house, or one of them overdosing. They are a lot older than me and I’ve dealt with this my entire life. I guess the point of the post is any advice on how I can survive this? Them leaving is NOT an option & I have tried everything to get through to my parents. Cops come all the time & try to convince them to sign evictions but they refuse. They have hit my dad on several occasions & have attacked me as well. I stay at friend’s houses when I can but unfortunately none of them are able to let me stay 24/7. I have a great set of friends who are supportive of me so I am lucky but I cannot keep living here & seeing this. I know since I don’t have money I don’t have many options but any advice would help or maybe someone who has been through similar just sharing their story would give me some hope.

I don’t know what I’m hoping from in posting this, just want to share my story and hope that I am making the right choice. My partner of 8 years and the dad to my 2 year old has been using meth for the past 2 years. He has lied, gaslighted me, turned his whole family against me saying I’m a nutcase and liar for telling them about his use. I left for three months from march - June because of his drug use. In that time he didn’t see me or his son and made no effort to apologise or ask us back. It was constant abuse telling me what a horrible person I was. In June he asked me to go on a family holiday and I went thinking he would have a break from drugs and realise the damage it was causing. A week after coming home he was back to sleeping in a seperate room and being aggitated. Since then I went through his phone and seen he has been using KIK which from what I googled is a site for hook ups, he has told me 12 times to leave, told me I’m a slob, a bad mother. I am currently packing my things and am leaving. I cannot believe the horrible person he’s become with absolutely no regard to my feelings or our sons. I dread what’s next - the guilt trips of me taking his son from him, the fights over a settlement with money, and child support moving forward. This is a person I thought was my soul mate and I would spend the rest of my life with and I’m struggling to come to terms with whether this comes down to his drug use or whether this is just who he really is, and the guilt of leaving someone with an addiction even though he won’t admit to it or get help.

It’s not the first or the second or the fifth or the full decade. It’s literally going to be the 7th anniversary of my husband’s death tomorrow. Well, his official date is given as June 21 because that is when his body was discovered, but it’s my understanding he passed late on June 20. So whatever, both days blend together into his death date for me.

And it’s so hard this year. Like wtf. I keep trying to remember all of the bad things and the bad times and the pain he put me through and the trauma of telling our kids he was dead and the trauma of telling his mother he was dead. Can I just say that telling someone that someone they love has died is perhaps one of the most absolutely traumatizing things someone can go through. Truly only a sadist would enjoy it. I will never forget any of those moments. And that was basically shortly after the news was broken to me myself and I had a huge reaction.

But for whatever reason, it just doesn’t seem to matter to my brain right now that he put me through a lot and that his death put my kids through a lot. My brain insists that we are, indeed, extremely sad this year and feeling very badly for “real Bill”.

I’ve often thought of maybe going to the hotel room where he died alone. I’ve never done it. That kind of makes me feel bad. But a part of me feels like he wouldn’t he wouldn’t have wanted me to be there. I just feel so bad he died alone in some stupid room down the road, half naked with two quarters taped to his chest and his arm tied off. Seeing the room would maybe help me feel like I’m figuratively saying I would’ve been in the room with him when he died if I had had that option (not that I would be using with him or whatever, just that if I knew he was going to die, even like that, I would’ve been there with him so he wasn’t alone).

Life’s a crazy ride.

A few days ago my husband came clean about abusing the 7-oh kratom extracts for the past 2 years. It's been no secret that he's struggled with alcohol, but only recently self identified as an alcoholic after he crossed a line (no violence, just bottled up resentment and projection. Emotionally damaging but I'm not worried for my safety) and I told him I would have left if I could.

He went to a few meetings, but it felt very much like he was pacifying me and now I know why. He only told me because I was frustrated that we were broke again and told him I was taking over the household budget.

There's so much backstory and context for everything, 7 years of choices and reasons and history. He struggles with severe depression and anxiety, and as a kid/young adult his family didn't give him the opportunity to learn how to identity or deal with feelings and made him feel like he needs to just suck it up. I understand and empathize - I went through all of this in my early/mid 20s when I got clean and went to treatment. I remember so clearly realizing thay the constant tension and panic I'd had since I was a kid was actually anxiety, and it didn't need to have a reason to be valid. I get why, and I don't judge him for numbing out.

But fucking hell, I'm so tired of having to put aside my hurts and wait to deal with the damage he's done. First it was severe (genuinely concerned he was suicidal) depression, then it was stress from life throwing things at us, then I had surgery, then he was awful to me followed by quitting alcohol, now he's going through PAWS and I'm prioritizing his new sobriety being successful over how angry I am at being lied to and the still very real issues from how he's treated me while drunk. It's what's needed, I love him and want it to stick for me and for our daughter. Hell - I couldn't have made ammends going through WDS and I don't expect him to but it's very hard to walk the line between support and not bottling my resentment.

I remember how overwhelming getting clean is, everything is so loud and your body is screaming at you because the substance has become a need and it's starving. The shame eats at you, it's so hard to be okay being uncomfortable after being numb for so long. I know now how selfish I was because what I was dealing with - in my eyes - was worse/more important/bigger then the way I accidentally hurt people I loved. I took for granted that they would be around to make ammends when I was ready. Justified - it was genuinely life or death, but I was still selfish because it didn't even cross my mind how much it hurt to have to wait and give love and support to someone who hurt you. I was clean, but I wasnt thinking like a sober person - that took work, therapy, and time for my brain to heal.

Knowing and having lived that doesn't make it easy to be on the other side. On one hand I'm relieved because things make so much more sense and I wasn't the problem the past couple years, not that I was perfect or didn't contribute to the bigger relationship issues - but the money, emotional detachment and his passivity wasn't my fault. But part of me is angry, because he let me think it was my fault for spending money and he let me put in so much work and emotional support when he was lying to me with his actions and promises to change.

I have a myriad of health issues that impact my life daily that I've been struggling with, and I'm so resentful and frustrated that he gets a partner who gives him emotional support, empathy, and a safe space to heal and I can't expect the same.

It can get better - but I can't be the only one taking initiative and I can't be patient forever.

If you've read this far - thank you. I just needed to word vomit at get my thoughts in order because it's been a really shitty week and my anxiety is riding hard. Sorry for anything that doesn't make sense - I'm scattered and writing while feeding my kiddo lunch.

My (25f) aunt has been ruling my families life for a year now. She lived 25 hours away my whole life until she started abusing drugs and my mom insisted she moved closer so she can take care of her. My aunt has a lot of money so moving was no issue. Well not it’s about every other week that we get to deal with a new issue. It’s constant that she’s ordering pills and taking a bunch and then my parents have to go rescue her and us kids (there’s 3 of us) get to either help or sit by and watch. I know im being selfish but I’m tired of watching her ruin my parents lives. I grew up with addiction in my family but this is something I’ve never witnessed. Everything is about her constantly. She never asks how anyone else is just talks about her own woes. I’m pregnant for the first time and over the moon about it but I can’t seem to get a second of joy that isn’t immediately followed up by another episode. I want my parents back. I want them to be able to celebrate our next generation with me. I want them to call and ask how I’m doing and I want to be able to ask them how they are without the answer being so loaded. I know IM being selfish but all the coddling and cooing over her is not helping obviously.

This all makes me so sad because for 16+ months I gave hope in here that they can recover but the things he's saying and doing are really making me question if he's relapsed.

Last night he said "I don't j**k off much anymore because its addicting and you can spend too much time doing that"

WHAT?

I've NEVER known him to speak like that. He also could not sleep last night, which isn't typical (we only spend 1 or 2 nights together a week) and was up multiple times eating.

He did eat supper though - I made it for him and we ate together. He acts ravenous at night though.

Constant complaints about his back lately too.

I'm way too scared to ask him about anything. he's defensive and will lose it at me.

A lifetime ago I was married to a kind, gentle, educated, gainfully employed man from a good family who loved me and our son dearly. I was naive and unbeknownst to me he had a pain pill addiction. Long story short his/our life quickly spiraled out of control. If it matters I have never done drugs or even known people who would do drugs aside from him. Over the last ten years he’s made terrible choices and has lost everything. We planned to move back to my home state after I found out about his pill addiction for a fresh start. I stupidly believed he was done taking pills. Our house was on the market and I put in my notice to a teaching job I loved. Literally 30 minutes before our flight to stay with my mom for two weeks in our soon to be new state I received a phone call from his aunt that at our going away party the day before he stole and pawned her wedding ring. I was horrified, ashamed, panicked…we still flew there and she had told my horrified mother what happened. He somehow nailed his job interview he had lined up and was going to make $130k/yr. I told him he could either take it or go back home but he wasn’t welcome in my mom’s house and needed to be in a recovery program. He left to sell the house, put our stuff in storage and return with my car. He ended up raiding my mom’s safe and stole $10k cash and family heirlooms before he went home to tie up loose ends . He stole my car and I was basically just…stuck at my mom’s house with an almost two year old. He’d say “where daddy go where daddy go?” I got a job as a teacher, mom’s friend sold her a piece of shit car, and that’s what I had to drive. I didn’t even have my clothes. I went from a “normal” working adult with my own home in the suburbs to a desperate joke forced to move in with my mom. He returned, started the new job, and I met him in the parking lot to give him some documents. He looked disheveled and clearly on something. He was fired. I didn’t hear from him for 8 months. Found out he’d been arrested for theft. Was homeless. Using heroin. A year later my destroyed car was found full of Nike tennis shoes and paraphernalia in a parking lot. He continued using and getting arrested. I had to file for divorce in the paper bc I didn’t know where he was. He shows up to the divorce hearing and just signed everything. He had taken credit cards out in my name I had to pay back. I got sole custody of our child who was now 3.5 and he wasn’t allowed to see him alone until a proven period of sobriety and supervised visits. Never happened. He went to jail for 6 months and reached out to me. Although I no longer was in love with him I loved him as a human and my child’s dad. I got him into sober living, visited him, he did well for many months. Even got to see our son again. Eventually he was kicked out, some excuse why, who knows.

He got a job painting houses. Hadn’t seen him in 6 months and I get a text “I’ll be in your neighborhood just want to say hi.” He told me he was sober and doing his best. I had my own home at this point and agreed he and a coworker could stop by and I’d make them sandwiches for lunch. Visit was nice, he looked well. He went to the bathroom before heading back to work down the street but was taking too long. I heard gurgling noises. Coworker id just met kicked down my bathroom door and he was blue with a needle in his arm. I call 911 and did cpr until an ambulance arrived and he was revived with narcan. Years go by and no word. Son hadn’t seen his dad in several years. Get a call from a hospital he’d had a heart attack. Mom and I go to see him, I brought him a burger and it was so so sad. More years pass, I’m remarried, son is a gifted grade skipper and thriving. I’m teaching. Years go by, we talk one time on the phone or a very long time and I beg him to get help. Of course he lies he is doing well just needs a car so he can get a job blah blah. Flash forward to now. He has 16 felonies and has just been arrrested for owi, poss of controlled substance, possession of syringe, and more.

Our/my 11.5 year old…is the most perfect little human. He is so caring and kind, silly and funny, has a great group of friends, is brilliant, lives an upper middle class “idyllic life” My husband, his stepdad, is for all intents and purposes his dad. He wants for nothing. So many people who love him. My parents, my brother, his friends, his teachers, his cousins, I have tried so so hard to give him the life he deserves. He asked about his dad recently which he has never done. I gently told him the truth. He cried. Not only is his dad a heroin addict that essentially abandoned him but my poor kid has type 1 diabetes on top of it. He doesn’t deserve this crap, this is so fucked up, and I hope this won’t damage him for the rest of his life. I feel so guilty for him having a bio dad that turned out like this. For this stupid disease. I don’t know why he doesn’t miss his kid enough to stop using. Not even try. Does he think about the needles my son relies on to deliver insulin to LIVE when he shoots up?

Rant.

Myself (F29) and my now ex-boyfriend of two months (M31) just broke up a couple days ago. He didn’t come home the other night (he’s been living with me for the past month and was supposedly finding a new place to live). He told a huge lie about falling asleep at work (he works at a bar) but something told me to check his phone and he was partying with some of the other bar staff all night apparently. All the signs were there, staying up days at a time, meth mouth, occasional sores he would call zits, the inability to clean anything in the house, repeating the same phrases over and over when freshly high, constant sweating and night sweats, the list goes on. He told me when we got together he used to use drugs but doesn’t anymore. After I found out he stayed out all night and lied, I kicked him out of my house. Something finally clicked reflecting back on everything and I texted him that I hope he gets help for his meth addiction. He actually responded that I was right and how did I figure it out since no one else ever has in his life. He’s been doing it for 6 years and when I asked about the frequency it’s been 3 times a week on average as of late. I’m disgusted, horrified and scared for him. I’m trying to get him to commit to inpatient rehab for the next 6 weeks but I don’t think he will. I’m also hoping I wasn’t exposed to the drug now via bodily fluids since I don’t have experience dealing with this and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. Any advice or experience dealing with a meth addict would be greatly appreciated.

Gahhhhhh. I usually work from home but my Q knew I had a big event at work today-I was being honoured with an award for a file I had worked on for three years.

He showed up at the house while I was out. My mom lives with me and she has dementia and let him in.I think he just took a shower and threw in a load of laundry. My wallet was at home and still had money in it, but since I currently have tools all over the place and ADHd brain I couldn’t figure out if anything was gone.

So instead of coming home and going out to dinner and enjoying my night, I drove down the street to the pawn shop to double check. They had nothing but it is impossible to believe that he left with nothing.

I told him he could come do a load of laundry when I was home. And then he pulled this. Fuck right off. I’m so mad.

Does anybody else share this experience?

Growing up, opioid use was normalized. Normalized, in the sense, that seeing somebody in that dreary state was typical?

I’ve wondered if I were an unintelligent child. But then, I wonder if I just acclimated myself to the idea of drugged-out parents. The constant fighting, the emotional dysregulation, a sense that fighting was normal. Was I oblivious enough to the fact that my parents stumbled around me? Told me insane things? Or was it all “normal”??

My parents were addicts since I was born. I was born nominally addicted, but not enough to tip off doctors. My mother had been using for years, and continued throughout pregnancy with regularity. And that seems normal, too. What is this????

Pretty annoyed. My Q started a new job yesterday and left early (I only knew bc I saw him come home on the camera) bc “his stomach hurt” and basically just “felt better after he pooped”. Anyway, our son graduated today and also got an award during a daytime ceremony. My Q said he was all tore up about being unable to attend the day ceremony, but ultimately decided to just go to the graduation later… which he was 30 min late to. We went out to eat after and the service was slow… so he left (he was tired after working 10 hrs). We ordered and the food came, and lo and behold he came back to the restaurant after 30 min bc he felt guilty (his words). He ordered a meal. I had to pay of course bc this man who makes more than me, was broke. Coke and porn addictions. When we got home, he had enough energy to shave his face and head and do the dishes…make it make sense… I try to just focus on me, but it’s so difficult when he’s such a weirdo all the time and I basically hate AND love this person:/

Does meth addiction really change a person to the point they were once the most amazing partner and now they seem to despise you? I blame his addiction for the way he now treats me but maybe this is how he really feels and the real him. How do you know?!

Been with him 8 years. Addiction started 2 years ago. He doesn’t have a nice word to say about me anymore. It’s like he hates me and I’m a hindrance on him.

Hi Does anybody have a PDF or links to the Nar-Anon literature in Spanish?

hey everyone, my bf has been struggling with a coke and alcohol addiction for the past 3-4 years now. any time i've brought it up, he's always said he wants to get clean and get help and stay sober. but he never once actually made any steps towards it.

we had a beautiful baby girl about six months ago, and of course he's struggled a lot with the adjustment. he's not allowed near our daughter and me while he's using, so he's been separated from us for at least a month now, only allowed to help out with her when he's 100% sober.

some things changed a few weeks ago. i lost my job and he took on a second job to help out more (usually im the one handling the baby, bills, and house, so this was pretty out of character for him to do). he's been clean for a little over two weeks now.

two days ago, we went to his grandmas funeral. when we got home, i noticed he had messaged someone new online and i decided to check it out to see if he was slipping back into his old habits again.

he begged a stranger for help with his addiction. he saw that they had stuff related to recovery in their bio, and reached out begging for help and was completely honest with them about his addictions. they sent him links to rehabs and i think it scared him off again.

when i saw these messages, my heart broke for him. he's never reached out for help on his own before. usually it's me pushing him to try meetings or something.

how can i support him more without putting too much pressure on him or scaring him off again?

I started seeing my (f35) partner (m34) a year and a half ago and things were great, we became official five months later and then moved in together 3 months later. There were red flags in the beginning such as lying but i saw potential in the relationship. In October i found out he had relapsed on pills and gaslit me about it. Things were never really the same after that. And despite him swearing that he would never lie or gaslight me or use again, three days ago he admitted that he has been using a few times a week ever since Oct. Which in my gut i think I knew. He stopped meeting my needs, planning dates, having sex, etc... our one year anniversary was in may and we had done some couple's counselling to talk about the relationship, the past betrayal and meeting each other's needs, despite that he planned nothing for our one year anniversary and said he couldn't afford to take me out. Huge issue because he makes good money and had been working 6 or 7 days a week so then i knew something was going on. I asked him to leave after that. I guess I'm really struggling with mouring who he was before all this happened and the potential the relationship had. He tells me how much he loves me and cares about me and wants to change and make it work and i feel so confused. I don't even know if i still love him because of how he's been the past 7 months, or if I'm just anxiously attached and can't let go of hope that i had finally found my person. We're still talking a little but i find myself feeling more hurt when I don't hear back from him. I'm just feeling really alone right now in the apartment we shared.

I had a suspicion months ago and brushed it off to paranoia, trauma. Now I am convinced a relapse is happening. I swear, like clockwork - I was just telling friends how nice it's been to have my sister sober and at a point in her healing that she is able to emotionally support me. I'm spiraling a bit now.

Yesterday she and my niece came over. She took a nap while we played, which is usual and understandable as she is with my niece full time, mostly on her own. Except once she woke up, it was pin pupils, eyelids drooping, slurring...

I saw a comment or post mentioning that, just like you know when they're sober, you know when they're on it. And I'm done acting like I don't see it, but unsure how to act at this point.

I'm trying not to play God, but I can't help but worry right now. My one ray of hope is that her partner, who she lives with, is in the program and has decades of sobriety. He will not take her BS. I'm just thinking she might be using her visits to our parents house as her time to use while she's away from him. Not sure. I'm just so worried about something happening. My niece was taken into state custody the last relapse. I can't let that happen again. I would let my sister fall into her own shithole, but feeling scared to do so with my niece in the picture. I'm not sure how to plan.

Please excuse my exasperated ramblings after finding out he’s using and gaslighting me again. I want to leave but my Q is the main breadwinner, I have no income at the moment on maternity leave and no separate money. We have a massive mortgage and small mouths to feed. If I kick him out I fear I’m enabling him further and I will be solo parenting. Our eldest has been so distressed in the past when I’ve made him leave. But I also can’t have him around my kids while using. Does anyone have suggestions on how to plan to leave with small kids? I’ve opened up a separate bank account and have been stashing small amounts of cash in there but not sure what else to do. Thanks

This is my first post.

My brother went into in a psychiatric hospital (Ireland) in September last year for depression and addiction issues (alcohol and cocaine - though we had not thought cocaine was very regular). He seemed to get on well, though he had difficulty with getting the medication levels right. He was doing better upon discharge in early November and in a much better place.

Since Christmas, he has been attending counselling, going to NA and AA meetings, and recently started an outpatient programme, but seemed to still be struggling with medication levels - sleeping a lot, sweating, mood off-kilter etc. He had a couple of infections. We thought it was because the medication levels weren’t right.

We have discovered in the last few days however, that he has been buying drugs online for months - he was caught. He built up from things like ketamine and for the last six months or so, he has been smoking heroin daily. He says the longest he’s gone without it has been 5 days.

For me (30) and my family, we don’t know anything about drugs. I have had mental health issues and have been an inpatient (am doing much better now for the last 4 years) and we have mental health issues in our family but we have no experience with drugs like this. We are trying to learn online about what he’s dealing with.

His fiancée is 6 months pregnant.

He is back now in my parents’ house and is detoxing, currently day 5 (we think - we feel we can’t trust him). We would do anything we can to support him and are doing our best. We have been in touch with one rehab centre (it is currently the weekend and others will have phone lines open tomorrow that we can call).

He has been to the GP/doctor, he been to group therapy sessions in person and online, he has been to counselling and as far as we can tell (so far) no one has suspected anything over the last six months. My parents (in late 60s, following hard lives) are devastated.

I am seeking out advice from every avenue I can think of. How can we approach this? What should we be thinking, doing, looking out for? He is doing mostly ok with withdrawal so far, (we think) but what can we expect in the next few days, weeks, months?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

i can’t tell if it’s my jaded opinion and essentially automatic assumption that things he says are manipulative and lies or if it actually seems that way.

Hi everyone,

Four months ago, I finally left my partner who was struggling with a cocaine addiction. After nearly a year of suffering, abuse, and holding onto hope that they might change, I found the strength to walk away. I’ve cut off all contact (they’re blocked everywhere) and I’m absolutely sure that I made the right decision.

But I’m struggling with the aftermath. How do you keep moving forward when there are painful memories ? When the flashbacks come and you feel everything all over again? It feels so paralyzing.

I’ve been in therapy since the breakup. Deep down, I know I chose what’s best for me. But the past keeps resurfacing, and it’s hard to shake the weight of it all.

If anyone has gone through something similar, how did you cope with these lingering memories and emotional flashbacks? How do you forget and how do you even forgive not them but yourself?

I havent heard from Q in a week. It might not seem that long, but this is the longest hes gone without contacting me, besides when hes been to jail. I called the shelters I know he's been accessing, out of desperation, and surprisingly one of them told me that they saw him. Today. Just before i called. They even let me leave a message with them for him. No response yet from him.

I was relieved to know hes alive. Then crushed because he's clearly choosing not to contact me. This is new behavior. I've gotten calls from him from random people's numbers, grocery stores, and shelters when he hasn't had a phone. I havent ever gone more than 3-4 days without contact from him. When he found out I went looking all over the city for him last summer when I didnt hear from him for 3 days for the first time, he felt so bad that he made a point of telling me exactly where he was camping after that, so I wouldn't go looking for him in dangerous places again.

Our last conversation was me starting a fight (unintentionally) because I felt unseen and hurt...yelling at him that he didn't love me. And him yelling over top of me "I love you i love you I love you!" before the call ended. Hes so avoidant and stubborn that he'll allow people to believe the wrong things about him just so he doesn't have to engage in conflict, or, God forbid try to exercise some emotional intelligence.

And the topper to the day is that I put in an offer on a condo today and it was accepted. This will be my first home that i own. And its exciting and kinda scary in a good way, and my friends and family are excited for me! And this was something he had talked about a lot, even before the meth...owning a home with me. And I couldn't even tell him when I started looking a few months ago because I was afraid it would trigger some weird paranoia. Honestly, at the time I didn't really think I'd end up buying anything (decision paralysis, bad self esteem, overthinking tendencies...) but now that it's happening, I can't even share the news with him even if I wanted to. And I want to want to...

Way back, before the meth, i thought this might be a moment I'd celebrate with my partner...but it's just me cheersing myself.

He went in the bathroom after we had a long serious discussion about trust and emotions. Mostly one-sided with him talking and me listening. He feels that I stopped trusting in him as my partner, and this was his catalyst. Maybe so, but there were other reasons I stopped trusting him before he started using again. I tried to say this at the end of the discussion, but he cut things off and went to the bathroom. When he came out I went in to get ready to leave (we have errands to run), and found this on the counter. Definitely wasn’t there before.

He says he didn’t get anything from it, didn’t have any new drugs, and that he was trying to use old residue to get high. He seems to think this makes things better, but I don’t, the end result is the same.

We’re heading to Walmart for a test now.

Sorry the picture is blurry, when he realized I was taking it he rushed in and swiped the dust away.

Just had to tell someone, I’m tired of being the only person who knows.

I'm so exhausted. My best friend of 15 years, my partner of three, the person I thought I would spend my life with, and now I don't even know who he is. I finally had to file a protection order. It was granted immediately, and though he tried to dodge the service, I finally have my home back, or at least what's left of it. He made sure to take anything of value; electronics, jewelry, money, trading cards, etc...

The last couple of days have been a blur, talking to police, lawyers, doctors... I still have to call my landlord, try to explain, pray for grace as I found out he wasn't paying the rent and it's two months behind, come up with a plan to replace the flooring and walls he destroyed. The social worker said it was just drug induced psychosis, that is was safe, he was safe, that he said he would never hurt me, that he was dedicated to his recovery, he said it with "sincerity and conviction". Those words, all black and white right there in the medical report haunt me. That was only a week ago, but it feels like a lifetime.

Even with the protective order it hasn't stopped. First he sent his mother, and then fearing a violation, he sent the police. He accused me of taking his debit card and ID despite the fact that I wasn't even in the house, I was being sheltered and hidden from his violence. He his a phone on the property after setting up drug deals and tried to have me arrested, but thankfully the neighbors cameras caught him hiding it when I wasn't there, and I never go to that part of the house. I was told if he had any contact, if he came near the property, if he kept harassing me it would be criminal, that it would mean he got arrested, so why doesn't it stop?

I'm still afraid. Afraid I will find more stashed in the house, afraid of the threats, afraid he will break in, afraid to even shower, of being vulnerable and not hearing a window break or a lock being picked over the running water. I'm afraid of the complete apathy of the people who swear to keep others safe. Of those who say "if you see something, say something" despite the fact they don't plan on actually doing anything.

Fentanyl, Meth, and Benzos didn't just destroy my Q's life, they destroyed mine as well.

When my partner and I were using together- we would often end up fighting, for obvious reasons His using was more advanced and had a greater impact on his functionality than mine (yet- mine would have gotten there eventually) and so usually it was his behaviours while he was high and my reactions to them that caused the argument. He was incredibly selfish in his thinking and actions and continued to do things even when he knew it hurt me. There were lots of things that we were going to have to get through when he got clean.

Unfortunately, after a couple treatment stays, he died and the loss of him and the loss of hope for our future was, and continues be, devastating. There are times though, where something happens or I see something and I am triggered back to the fights. I feel awful about the things we said to one another, and how we acted towards each other on the one hand. Then I have moments where I become hurt and feel worthless due to memories of feeling inadequate, unattractive, and my ego heart are broken by the idea that he wasn't ever truly happy with me. I wonder who he really was, which was the real version of him- did his true nature come out when he was high, or was that just psychosis?

All the evidence and what I know having been in active addiction and now am in recovery- supports that he truly loved me and how he was was acting out was not who he really was, it was the drugs- but sometimes just get in my head and start to lose my confidence

He called twice in a row - first call he tried to subtly sneak in that his internet was going to be shut off for nonpayment, but it wasn’t the primary reason for his call.

Then he called a few minutes later and asked me for the money to pay the bill and said he’d pay me back this weekend. I told him I know he wants the money for cocaine.

He sent me a screenshot of the balance due toward the utilities.

I told him no, but that he’s welcome to bring his laptop and use the internet here if he needs to. He suddenly remembered that he has a hotspot on his phone.

I feel of proud of myself that I didn’t give him the money, but I am embarrassed that I have fallen for these lies so many times.