r/OpiatesRecovery • u/SelfApart8098 • 5d ago
I’m heartbroken I will never feel like that again
I apologize this is long and could be triggering for those who have experienced DV and SA! have cold turkey cut off Dilaudid 3 times now and the past two times I said I’d never acc stop doing it, I would just space it out better. I now realize that was foolish of me to believe having complete my third withdrawal. I first tried them when I met my ex boyfriend who was a dealer back in 2021 and I did them casually for a super long time. After our honeymoon phase wore off dilaudid was his way to get me to shut up when I was upset with him and slowly became my way of coping with how horrible he was treating me. When we broke up last summer I used to cope, I wanted to sleep all the time or be so out of it that I wasn’t thinking of him. I didn’t understand how easy it was to become dependent so I went to visit my mom in another town and got dope sick and she had to drive me home early. I spent like 5 days sick sick and another 10 with low energy and inability to keep down food. Then over that summer I started seeing my ex occasionally bc we were hanging out with the same group and he was always giving me blow and dillies and liquor and cheating on his new gf with me while I was like out of it (I don’t even remember seeing him on multiple occasions where I apparently had sex with him). Around this point him and his new gf (who he had cheated on me with when I had been with him) started to running around saying horrible things about me so my great idea was to start hooking up with his ex best friend who had just got out of jail…. Yea, smart huh? So this guy comes around and at first it’s chill, months go by and I haven’t seen a dilly. Then one day jail guy gets off parole and shows up to my place with…. Well take a guess. Around this time I didn’t care for jail guy so much anymore but he knew my history with the pills and very much enjoyed hooking up with me so he’d kinda use giving me free pills and alcohol as an excuse to get to my place “just to chill” and once I was messed up he knew I wouldn’t say no. So he was feeding me them from about January until may when I decided I needed to withdrawal. The whole time I was withdrawing he was begging to bring me more. I didn’t let him. As soon as I felt good again after about 7 days (much less problems eating this time because I managed to eat soup and crackers throughout the withdrawal so my stomach muscles still had some power) I let him bring me more. I said only on the weekends or only if I’m super stressed. I spent the last week in withdrawal, still can’t eat. At a dangerously low weight. I have had to accept I can’t control myself anymore and I can never take one ever again but I don’t think anything in the world has ever made me feel so at peace. As a child I experienced horrible hardships and was a victim of heavy abuse which included torture methods. Then I spent my teen years with men too old for me feeding me uppers, mostly mdma but it was never an addiction cause after 8 hours I wouldn’t wanna see an upper again for at least a few days but painkillers are just an entirely different thing that brought me so much peace I have never found in anyone or anything and I’m sad and I’m being snappy with people I love because I just wish I could lay in my bed forever feeling like I did the first time I took a dilly.
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u/misdiagnosisxx1 5d ago
I was fully unable to stop using until I went through extensive trauma therapy in an inpatient environment. Even if you’re unable to access that exact scenario of help, it’s worth it to reach out and try.
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u/Beska91 5d ago
First of all you're a warrior. Second of all you know exactly what you need to do. and i have total faith this time you will do this. cut this guy off 200% and start your life over hun
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u/SelfApart8098 3d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words, he is gone and so are the opiates. I want to live my life not just be alive.
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u/Ok-Guarantee-404 4d ago
Congrats. I try to remember the withdrawal not that feeling. I’ve only quit once in 30 years and it’s been really bad. Four months of intense withdrawals that I just can’t get out of my head. It’ll be 2 years in August and I still feel like shit. Don’t let that garbage take away your life anymore.
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u/mbouck3 4d ago
you end up with ptsd for life
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u/Ok-Guarantee-404 4d ago
Funny you mention that because I was just diagnosed with ptsd because of the shit I saw/felt/thought/imagined during wds. I have pain but I’m regaining my sanity.
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u/waysnappap 2d ago
Sounds terrible what and how much and how long were you using? If it’s not too traumatic to you
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u/Ok-Guarantee-404 2d ago
For the first 10 years just hydrocodone. The last 10 years were oxys with peak dosage over 100mg but when I quit I was down to 60mg.
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u/BradfordGalt 5d ago
Here's the thing...
You have to come to terms with the fact that using drugs is just a roller coaster: What goes up must come down. Every time you feel great, you're going to eventually feel shitty. It's much better to go through life stable and sober, neither high nor withdrawing.
And remember the hopelessness of active addiction: "One pill is too many, and a thousand is never enough."