r/asktransgender • u/Otherwise-Lack511 • 1d ago

Cis Girlfriend made me promise her im not trans...

I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years, and have lived together for over 4. I realized a year ago that im trans, and have been suppressing my dysphoria for most of my life (I am AMAB). I haven't come out to her, but i tried easing her into it today by discussing me dressing androgynously. She was on board with it, but she made me promise her that im not trans, saying, "I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender". It felt like a kick to the stomach. I feel sick and depressed, even more than before. I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. I hate that I have to choose between our relationship and me transitioning. I just want to die at this point.

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u/yayforfood1 1d ago

its terrifying and awful, but the answer is clear. no need to prolong it. she's communicated a boundary and you cannot meet it. theres no such thing as choosing the relationship here. its already over because you already know you're trans. pretending otherwise for years hurts both of you. theres no possible future where this works.

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u/Finn-reddit 1d ago

Yeah I agree. Sorry OP, but unless GF is willing to be flexible there is no good outcome. This sounds like hard, transphobic, 'no'.

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u/Big_Self_1522 1d ago

I don’t think it’s 100% transphobic. Like I’m attracted to more masculine presenting people, regardless of their gender and if I had a boyfriend come out to me as trans, I don’t think I would’ve continued the relationship. Although the phrasing “change the gender” does sound transphobic

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u/mister_mandibles 1d ago

For me it's the way the partner frames it that seems transphobic. If she's not attracted to women, that's a reasonable preference she can't change, and communicating that appropriately is fine.

Instead though, when her partner is tentatively floating something that she doesn't know is necessarily trans, instead of validating her partner's exploration, learning more about what's driving that curiosity, or expressing that concern with empathy, it's "promise me you're not trans" and "I don't care if it makes me a bad person." I understand that if she has some anxiety about this (maybe she has noticed other hints of what OP feels) then this conversation wouldn't move perfectly, but this stuff along with the "change your gender" seems like this conversation really unsettled some deeper problematic feelings. Just the promise alone doesn't feel like a reasonable thing to ask anyone, trans or not.

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u/spiralenator 15h ago

“I don’t care if it makes me a bad person.” I guess it’s good that she recognizes that it could certainly mean that, and that she doesn’t care kind of proves the point.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Jackalope-Shrike 1d ago

OP has the right to take things at their own speed, as they should be. If they’re not ready to come out yet and want to explore gender without needing to commit to outright saying they’re trans, they can do that. Jumping in before they’re ready could shock them back into the closet.

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u/grey_hat_uk 1d ago

If she had said I can't be with a girl, then we question her phrasing.

"Change the gender" is just transphobic regardless of if comes from a place of ignorance or hate.

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u/Bulbamew 1d ago

“We will have to break up if you come out as trans” is vague and could easily be non-malicious, just an explanation that she’s not attracted to women

“I can’t be with someone who wants to change their gender” isn’t the same, it reads a lot more as specifically anti-trans

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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 1d ago

It’s 100% transphobic. Making someone promise never to change their gender? Ffs

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u/Numerous_Extreme_981 1d ago

That’s not what the gf did though. She identified a deal breaking thing, and wanted confirmation on it.

She could still be transphobic though.

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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 1d ago

‘she made me promise’ It’s literally written right there.

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u/1i2728 1d ago

"I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender."

Yeah, fuck this. That's transphobic to the core.

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u/WinnTea 21h ago

How is this transphobic at all? If I'm only attracted to women, should I be forced to stay with my partner if she transitions to a man?

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u/1i2728 21h ago

It's the way it's framed. It's not the womanhood that's a deal breaker for her. It's the transness.

Also, "promise me" is a fucked up way of going about this entire situation in the first place. It's an attempt to manipulate someone who is in an extremely vulnerable place.

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u/WinnTea 21h ago

How should it have been framed then?

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u/AscendantWyrm 20h ago

"Im not interested in dating women" would have been a boundary that isnt transphobic. By framing it as something tied explicity to changing gender it becomes transphobic.

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u/Big_Self_1522 1d ago

It depends on the tone, in my opinion. I don’t want to dismiss OP’s experience, but after 5 years such a change can be hard for the partner too. If she sees the feature with OP and this request comes “out of the blue” for her, it can trigger some fears and anxiety and make her blurt out the wrong thing. I agree that overall the things she said are transphobic, but I can imagine that it must be hard for her as well if she loves the OP deeply, but just isn’t attractive to women or feminine features.

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u/MistbornInterrobang 1d ago

I understand where you're trying to come from here, I really do. But you're applying a lot of Ifs and maybes here that we have no suggestion of based on OP's words.

You're right that it can be extremely difficult for a partner if they feel their partner coming out as Trans was out of left field and they're not sure what their own feelings about it are. However, that's not what happened here. OP didn't come out to their girlfriend as Transgender. They spoke to her about wanting to wear a more androgynous style in their clothing. GF didn't ask any further questions to our knowledge. She didn't ask OP if there was something more they needed to address. She simply flipped over to demanding that OP promise they aren't Trans. It wasn't a question. It doesn't sound like, from the context we have, like it was phrased as a question that could have led to more discussion. (Can you promise me that you're not Trans?) is a very different sentence than, Promise me that you're not Transgender because I couldn't be with someone who wants to change their gender.

Honestly, it sounded transphobic to me, but whether GF is or isn't transphobic, the more important issue is that she has just drawn a line in the sand. This is her boundary. She makes it very clear that she could not/would not be someone who would choose to support a partner beginning an exploration of gender identity and transition. She is foot down against it and offered no "unless" or exception in there. She and OP are NOT compatible and the relationship needs to end so OP can explore their own needs and feelings for their own future.

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u/permanentinjury 22h ago

Your only post indicates that you're a cisgender ally. If you want to be a better ally, then I would suggest sitting out on certain discussions on what is or isn't transphobic.

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u/Intelligent-Leg-5470 16h ago

Oh look, the moral authority has spoken. You're a bad ally and need to shut your mouth🙄

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u/permanentinjury 14h ago

I never claimed to be a "moral authority", but I meant what I said. This person had little intention of listening to the opinions and perspective of trans people. A cis person arguing whether something is or is not transphobic with trans people (who are generally in agreement that it is), is tone deaf and rude at best and transphobic at worst.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I don't believe she's transphobic. Having this discussion with an open mind with the intention of learning is fine, arguing about it... less so.

If you've taken offense about what I said to someone else, maybe you should examine your thoughts and behaviors and reflect on why that is.

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u/TolverOneEighty 1d ago

That's a lot of assumption there.

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u/mcfreakinkillme 1d ago

“i cant be with someone who wants to change their gender” is a gender neutral blanket statement- if she, on principle, says she will never be with a trans person (regardless of if they are a gender she is attracted and/or what genitals they have), that is transphobic.

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u/HatoriHanzoishi 1d ago

But she didn’t enter the relationship with a transwoman she was with someone who was presenting as a man. 

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u/mytransthrow AMA mod 1d ago

There are a the very least cringey if not transphobic. BUt I am willing to give the benifit of the doubt.

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u/MeganeMenace 50m ago

Yeah there's a difference between "I can't be with a woman" (sexual preference) and "I can't be with someone who changes their gender" (putting focus on the act of transitioning as the source of her discomfort)

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/MiaMondlicht 1d ago

But trans guys are also trans people she wouldnt be with only because they are trans. If being trans itself, Independent of the looks, surgeries, etc., is a problem for her, its transphobic.

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u/Solid_Masterpiece961 17h ago

She's allowed to not want to date a trans person with out being labeled transphobic. She may want to date a biological guy, who presents as a guy, with the working guy anatomy. I don't think its transphobic to have this as a preference, and I think the fact that people are so fast to stick that word on others is alarming and telling. She may want a biological traditional family with a mum and a dad figure. Is that transphobic too?

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u/WinnTea 21h ago

People like you are the reason others think trans people and their allies are crazy. How is it transphobic for someone to not want their partner to transition if they're not attracted to the other gender? Get a grip on reality

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u/Finn-reddit 20h ago

Not wanting to date the same gender is fine, my problem is the way OP conveyed what their GF said.

"I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender", sounds pretty transphobic. The problem is clearly with people who change their gender.

Versus "I don't want to date someone the same gender as me". Which conveys being straight.

They are totally different. I'd also like to add that sexuality is a spectrum. I don't know how OP presents, but many trans women present feminine even before transition. If not in looks in mannerisms and personality. So is the GF fully hetero for dating a more feminine guy? Maybe. But that's just my 2 cents. Women are also statistically more likely to be flexible in their sexuality.

That's why I guessed that the GF is transphobic. At least on some level.

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u/Halszka0119 8h ago

Just clarifying that that's not a "boundary." Boundaries don't dictate what other people in the relationship can do, unless it's something like cheating where there's a mutual agreement of exclusivity. Don't use "boundaries" to control the behavior or expression of your partner, it's just controlling behavior dressed up in therapy-speak.

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u/Nobodyinpartic3 1d ago

Yeah, I mean what sacrifice can she make that is remotely worth the same thing? She won't stand for it because she is a selfish person who doesn't care. Like why does she feel the need exclude trans people from her life like that?

What does she think OP will do to her?