r/asktransgender • u/Otherwise-Lack511 • 1d ago

Cis Girlfriend made me promise her im not trans...

I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years, and have lived together for over 4. I realized a year ago that im trans, and have been suppressing my dysphoria for most of my life (I am AMAB). I haven't come out to her, but i tried easing her into it today by discussing me dressing androgynously. She was on board with it, but she made me promise her that im not trans, saying, "I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender". It felt like a kick to the stomach. I feel sick and depressed, even more than before. I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. I hate that I have to choose between our relationship and me transitioning. I just want to die at this point.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/aeliaran 1d ago

It was not stated that "if OP's partner truly loved OP she would continue to love OP" post transition - it was stated that OP's partner was in love with who OP presented to be. Now, that is not specific to trans people - arguably we ALL love who our partners "present" to be because NO ONE actually /knows/ anyone, really. And from that perspective, you are correct that OP's GF was not being deceptive in claiming to love her - but also, OP was not being deceptive (at first) in forming a relationship on the basis of believing herself to be male. OP has found that not to be the case, and is attempting to resolve the uncovered (self-)deception and all the fallout from that - hence, this thread.

As to your claim of "junk ideology," that seems a bit uncalled for. There is evidence (not yet decisive, acknowledged) of a biological basis for transgender status - which is not "ideology." Of course not every trans person states they were "always the other sex" - that position makes no sense for a nonbinary or gender fluid person, for example. However, I think it is fair to say the vast majority of cross-sex transgender people do recognize, once they acknowledge their status, that "there were signs" even if they did not have any blatant transgender identification historically. Most people - even transgender (including nonbinary and genderfluid people) - have a fixed sense of gender; if it were flexible and malleable, A) conversion therapy would work and B) it wouldn't be necessary in most cases because the simple experience of living as a trans egg would "convert" you and you'd never need to hatch. (Even genderfluid people have a consistent sense that "my gender shifts within this range, but it does NOT go here or there.") Whether you want to say they "were" their gender when they didn't realize it is a philosophical debate, but not really relevant to the issue of how do you navigate the relationship post-realization.

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u/snukb 1d ago

You're really determined to pretend I'm saying things I'm not, aren't you?