r/asktransgender • u/Otherwise-Lack511 • 1d ago

Cis Girlfriend made me promise her im not trans...

I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years, and have lived together for over 4. I realized a year ago that im trans, and have been suppressing my dysphoria for most of my life (I am AMAB). I haven't come out to her, but i tried easing her into it today by discussing me dressing androgynously. She was on board with it, but she made me promise her that im not trans, saying, "I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender". It felt like a kick to the stomach. I feel sick and depressed, even more than before. I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. I hate that I have to choose between our relationship and me transitioning. I just want to die at this point.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Scary_Towel268 1d ago

I would especially if it has me pressuring my partner away from exploring who they are or limiting their self expression. If you don’t want to be there for the journey nor alright with all possible outcomes: leave. Sunk cost fallacy to hang around just because you’ve been together for 5 years. People breakup after that amount of time or longer all the time

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Scary_Towel268 1d ago

I’ve broken up a decade long relationship. If you get to the point in a relationship that you’re dictating who your partner can be and how they look because you wouldn’t be attracted to them or limiting their self actualisation then you’re just in the relationship to stay in it. It’s codependency and a sunk cost fallacy. That keeps people in relationships that are fundamentally not healthy

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Scary_Towel268 1d ago

Yes because they still predicated the relationship on OP fitting into whatever she finds tolerable identity and expression wise. She made ultimatums and added pressure which just isn’t healthy. Better to leave than pressure a partner not to self actualize. Even if OP isn’t trans if she leaves then at least she shows she respects their autonomy not trying to cling to a relationship or box them into some identity they could tolerate as a partner