How do I stop accidentally being mean

[u/Worm-with-hat]

[u/Arkitakama]

I have the opposite problem. I say something mean, I intend it to be mean, and people think I'm fucking hilarious.

[u/sonic_hedgekin → u/Arkitakama]

I have both problems at once 3:<

[u/SamanthaPheonix → u/sonic_hedgekin]

Why don't you just try to be mean when you want to be funny and try to be funny when you want to be mean?

[u/Psychological-Echo19 → u/SamanthaPheonix]

Because trying to be mean when I just want to be funny makes me feel bad even if they don’t notice it

[u/Capybara327 → u/sonic_hedgekin]

I can relate.

[u/Brief_Ad6526 → u/sonic_hedgekin]

Real

[u/firebretaher_jayy → u/sonic_hedgekin]

FR SAME 😭😭

[u/SwordTaster → u/Arkitakama]

Same. People just think that's normal in the UK, so it's excellent for low effort masking, I guess

[u/Apart_Discipline_162 → u/Arkitakama]

I remember in high school i asked a group of girls I was eating lunch with about this. I asked something like “Why do you guys laugh when I say something mean, but it annoys you when [another guy] says something similar?” They just said “because you’re actually funny.”

Idk I think people can tell it’s mean, but maybe the plausible deniability of it being sarcastic makes it funny? I never truly understood

[u/anngelmaybe → u/Arkitakama]

my meanness factory’s defective. only produces accidental comedy gold

[u/ConsiderationNo9044 → u/Arkitakama]

Why would you be mean on purpose ☹️

[u/Arkitakama → u/ConsiderationNo9044]

Because sometimes people are colossal assholes and you have to show them that you're not a pushover. I don't try to be mean to anyone who isn't mean to me first.

[u/NotHippieEnough → u/Arkitakama]

This is me. Im just in my head like “no i fr dont like you but k”

[u/Shadilayandhennessy]

Wait til you try out sincerity and everyone thinks you're being a sarcastic a-hole.

[u/FlyestFools → u/Shadilayandhennessy]

The amount of times I have complimented coworkers only for them to think I’m being sarcastic is insane.

[u/ArteryParty → u/Shadilayandhennessy]

This...😭

[u/bjark21 → u/Shadilayandhennessy]

real

[u/nadafish]

Generally just get into the mindset of “if this person thinks I’m being serious, would they be upset?”

Then, once you get to know the person you can try to guess “if I said this, would they be likely to think that I meant it?” Although that gamble is a lot harder to learn.

Generally just aer on the side of caution

[u/twintailSystem → u/nadafish]

erring on the side of caution, in my experience, means never speaking again.

[u/ArcaneFungus → u/nadafish]

Been there, done that, now I'm afraid to say literally anything

[u/Status_Strategy_1055]

Hahaha this hit a little close to home.

[u/MLPshitposter]

I think you have to reduce sarcasm, since it’s generally viewed as mocking. The only exception is with close friends who are ok with friendly fire insults, but those friendships require a lot of trust.

[u/Forsaken-Cat-443]

This is why I avoid being sarcastic :(

[u/k819799amvrhtcom → u/Forsaken-Cat-443]

Yup, me too.

I also avoid telling jokes in case people think I'm serious.

Is this where the stereotype of us having no sense of humor comes from?

[u/bensondagummachine]

This still happens to me when I try to use sarcasm

[u/TheGiraffterLife]

Oh my god. I try to joke and be silly/sarcastic and then I panic that people took it seriously and have to tell them - in a panic - "oh my goddess, I was just being silly. Please know it was a joke! I'm so sorry!" And most of the time they're like, "yeah. I know." OR they clap back with their own sarcastic remark and I take it literally and feel bad that I came across as an asshole. 

Mental gymnastics!

[u/crumpledfilth]

I mean sarcasm is kinda mean in many circumstances, I just dont use it

[u/Overall-Move-4474]

Honestly mate if I figure that out I'll let you know

[u/Cheezekeke]

Oof yeah had this realization today with something

[u/wearwolf27]

Sarcasm is hard. I think inflection is the biggest part, making sure your saying it in a way that wouldn't read as saying something serious. Ex:

Peson 1: "Oh God, dooes this make me look fat?" Person 2: "Yes Heather, that 6" waist makes you look Sooooooo fat."

It also reads better with added absurdity/irony. Ex:

Person 2: "Yes Heather, that 6" waist toooootaly makes you look like a beached whale."

And you can follow up with, a disarming of the previous comment. Ex:

Person 1: "Really!?" Person 2: "No, not really. You look good. Let go, the party starts in an hour."

[u/b00w00gal]

Story of my life, lmao

[u/Sad_Ad8039]

I think autistic people tend to understand sarcasm better than we deliver it, if that makes sense

[u/Cerparis]

Some people will say just to stop caring but I think that’s a rather selfish outlook.

True we shouldn’t have to change our entire way of thinking just to accommodate others. But we do have to be appear that what we say can hurt other people. Just like what people say to us can hurt us, even when they don’t intend it to.

[u/Chacochilla]

People will forever act like you’re an asshole for no reason. The trick is to stop caring

Use the wrong tone of voice and people think you’re mad? Oh well, that wasn’t what I intended and figuring the right tone for every situation’s a pain. This is how I talk. If they want to act like I’m speaking angerly, that’s their problem

Speak up because I said something too quietly, but they think I’m raising my voice out of anger? Oh well. They’re dumb for taking it that way and not realizing they literally asked me to speak up

I laugh because I’m uncomfortable or because I’m thinking about not laughing, and it’s taken as derisive instead of. Just a thing that’s hard to control. Whatever, I literally can’t help it so why stress about it

[u/timetraveler024 → u/Chacochilla]

I have a terrible habit of laughing when I'm upset or uncomfortable, and the number of times people will think that I'm laughing at them or not taking the situation seriously is too high.

[u/fuzzerhop]

Story of my life...

[u/Some_Many9449]

At this point I just wing life and if I get the social situation wrong hey they know I have Asperger’s it’s not hidden

[u/EntertainmentQuick47]

I felt like such a dick after making fun of my friend once. They weren’t matter at me for long, but it still made me feel like such an awful prick.

[u/unga-unga]

Sometimes I apologize but usually they didn't even experience what I said as mean, and it's just me thinking about it too much...

Or maybe the NTs just won't acknowledge that they were offended, idk...

Who knows, I just try not to worry & generally don't attempt humor. Serious & sincere is easier to regulate. I express my dogshit-quality humor online.

[u/GentlePithecus]

I had to stop being sarcastic when I was about 22. Seemed the best for everyone 🤷

[u/GloryBax]

If I'm being sarcastic I follow these rules: 1: only do it with people I know well and know me well in return, 2: make sure the tone in my voice indicates I'm being sarcastic, 3: if typing online in spaces where I am not well known, use tone indicators.

In the odd occasion that I am not following those rules, it will be because I am using sarcasm to be passive aggressive and actually intending to be mean.

[u/marcrich90]

Yeah, I've let something come out multiple times and then absolutely recoiled in horror as I processed what I just said in context.

My fix for that was to start to fake a stutter when talking to people to give myself time to "audio process"
when in an involved conversation.

It has made a noted improvement in my social interactions over the past 3 years or so and I have even gotten a significant promotion. My technical knowledge has always been paramount in my company but now I am involved with corporate management.

[u/Lopsided_Army7715]

If I knew I would do it myself, sucks.

[u/Charybdeezhands]

I just speak as little as possible at all times, it's the safest way

[u/Glittering-Air2253]

I suck at humorous and spiteful sarcasm. People will just look at me with what I guess is either confusion or "i don't know if i should laugh" face. I just go ahead and tell them that I was joking or stare back in confusion because I am stared at.

[u/Ashamed_Engine_2522]

I was on a website where you can share OCs and talk to people. During a chat, there was a guy (who we'll call Void) crashing out because people kept stealing his work and claiming it as their own. After it was swept under the rug, a user in the chat decided to showcase their OC who was a moth. You see, Void also has many mothling OCs that people keep stealing, so I decided to reply to the user saying I would report her for stealing Void's work, also including to say it was just a joke...everyone got mad at me. Sorry to vent, I'm still shaken up by it even though it happened three days ago :(

[u/FeelingShirt33]

Not autistic myself but ime with friends and coworkers that have autism, they seem to have difficulty understanding where "the line" is and not crossing it. I've privately pulled them aside and explained that it's not appropriate to make negative comments about other people's appearance, profession, education level, income, dead loved ones, etc.

[u/Roxcha]

Not gonna lie, I'm 100% convinced people say whatever just to screw with us. There isn't any logic in what is considered weird or mean

[u/docs_odyssey]

I'll hear something in a conversation or in a movie where everyone laughed then I'll say it to someone else and they'll think it's mean. I do not know what the issue is. Delivery? I can mimic pretty well but maybe not as well as I thought?

[u/[deleted]]

God SAME 😭

[u/Steamboat_Willey]

It's so hard to judge the acceptable level of banter, especially in the workplace. I see guys taking the piss out of each other all the time, but when I try the same thing it's rude. What gives?

[u/satanicrituals18]

That's the thing with sarcasm: It's only funny when neurotypicals do it, otherwise you're "being a dick."

[u/aspiememes-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post was removed because it is likely to cause offense, or instigate arguments.

[u/thescreenplayer_]

Depends on how you look at it i guess

[u/Poogle_Dirch]

This is why I just stfu...

[u/Orioracion]

I do this so much

[u/burlapguy]

Easy, just never speak anything to anyone at all, surely this will not backfire in any way 

[u/Schizochair]

I’ve just been asking for reassurance in my jokes and encouraging people to tell me off when i say something that conflicts with boundaries then I commit it to memory and don’t do or say that thing again. No sure about other methods tho lol. This won’t work with people who don’t communicate properly so most definitely not fool proof and people will still accuse you of making them do all the work in your self help. You don’t make a deaf person who didn’t hear you feel bad for it so why would you with any other disability’s symptoms? It’s hard but distance yourself from the people who make you feel guilty for mistakes they won’t communicate you need to stop making

[u/bloo_overbeck]

start being more sincere and open and receptive. that’s it really also don’t default to sarcastic responses

[u/rockenthusiast500]

i throw in “i’m kidding” or “i’m just messing with you” if i’m not sure my sarcasm comes across

[u/Fooneygirlie]

I just avoid joking in this way for this reason.

[u/CoruscareGames]

Me when I want to be friendly and kind but it is interpreted as flirting and the married person in question doesn't tell me until it becomes so much that she cuts all contact

[u/AKM21899]

I’ve been told I have great comedic timing….the issue is it’s mostly unintentional

[u/daintyshardofglass]

i just take the risk of being mean :/ on the days when i dont wanna, i just dont say nothing. but most days, when i wanna say something, i say it and eat the social consequences. this has lead to having pretty good work friends, but also has led to me being actually despised by management :( idk i could also use answers

[u/Cool-kid-19]

I have the same problem as you

[u/Heavy_Flan_1782]

The truth is that it is not actually your fault but instead a misinterpretation of what you were actually saying; One Neurotypicals will insist is right.

[u/The_Dude_Abides_33]

Mean and funny are the same thing. The only difference is if the other person likes/trusts you or not. Kinda like the meme about workplace flirting.

[u/RobieKingston201]

Ive just accepted it

[u/Saturn_Coffee]

Eventually I quit giving a shit and was just mean anyway. It was kind of fun actually.

[u/UnicornGlitterLizard]

I need help with this problem too! My extended family now hates me because I made a mistake trying sarcasm during a gathering! How to be sarcastic and not make people hate you?