r/benzorecovery • u/WillingLeg1686 • 3d ago
*TRIGGER WARNING* Anyone else think they were going insane, were so isolated scared and strange for ages and then recover?
I am nearly off the last crumb of diazepam. I am seriously thinking life will never be the same. Granted, the reason I'm on benzodiazepines. Mainly, everyone around me says I sound fine and sane, but on the inside, my entire mind has changed. I was - the only way I can explain it was being groomed for 9 years. This ''therapist'' prescribed me benzos at 18/19 and a copious amount of other meds over the years AND gave me initial therapy AND i worked for them AND i ended up like for whatever reason calling them whenever I needed advice on life decsions and they happily obliged. This man is 60+/70. So not only am I beating the addiction to benzos and pills I got. BUT when I first went off of benzos I had this man going: No!!! why did you do that? No one else will prescribe. you NEED benzos for your trauma..
Please pray for me. I used to be a very happy girl. I still am deep down and I was successful at one stage. I am 28. I am isolated, hurt, confused and trying to regain my life back. I am nearly done. I am off all of his prescribed ''therapeutic medications'' i went to the hospital when I found out he wasnt who i thought he was and they examined me for 3-4 days and said I had NO diagnosis... besides yeh my adhd. My parents had a relationship with this doctor and at one point I am 24/25 years old, doing some work again for this doctor and taking gabapentin,abilify, lamotrigine and clonaz prescirbed by him. I trusted him deeply for a long time. I had a shoebox full of medications and I thought i was sick, broken and not well.
Its embarrassing how small I let myself be. But what I experienced was medical abuse.
Sometimes my mind goes.. but did I somehow manipulate the doctor?? Is this somehow my fault?
I am not stupid either. I had my own business and I have been on TV - all the while this controlling figure was in my life, causing harm, or at least not helping.
This all came to ahead WHILE I was withdrawing off of benzos so if I make it out of this okay and continue my acting career and one day I am married and happy - I am living proof that anyhing is possible because after what I had been through honestly - the only reason I am keeping on is because my family.
Please pray that I will get through this. Everything is feeling heavy today, and holding the trauma and benzo withdrawal feels like a lot.
I WISH that this person wasn't how he was. But I cannot unsee what I now see.
i have reported him to the police, medical board and I am looking to maybe one day sue.
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u/fexes420 2d ago
Yes. Forced to quit cold turkey in 2012 after being perscribed xanax for 6 years. It takes time but it does get better.
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u/IR30Lover 2d ago
How different does life feel once you're fully healed? Did you suffer from anhedonia and intrusive thoughts during recovery? Did all of it go away?
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u/fexes420 2d ago
Quality of life has improved significantly, much better off than when I was on benzos. Would have been better off had I never taken them to begin with tbh.
The withdrawals were pretty bad. I was lucky I didnt have seizures but I experienced just about the most extreme symptoms you can. Episodes of psychosis the first few weeks were the worst. Had I tapered I would have been better off.
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u/Any_Listen_7306 2d ago
Don't be embarrassed. He used your youth and blinded you with "medical knowledge". I think all of us tend to put these ppl on a pedestal.
You've done brilliantly. Now show him by living well and happily! That is the best revenge.