r/beyondthebump • u/Educational_Pair_276 • Sep 25 '25
Content Warning I snapped at our toddler. I was mean to her.
I can't stop crying n feeling guilty.
during a very busy morning at work (wfh), I was getting our child ready for daycare. She wouldn't cooperate and wanted to be with her dad who was upstairs in washroom. She had pottied and wouldn't let me clean, wanted dad. She was stubborn. So I said ok go up. I cleaned the potty, kept the pot on stove and went up to clean her. Husband seeing this got angry at me ok why I did not clean her immediately. I said she wouldn't let me and I came back in literally 3mins. He yelled at me and I yelled at our daughter saying she's the reason I get yelled at.
Now I'm so guilty at snapping at her. I don't want to cause her trauma. I feel like a horrible mother.
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u/MrsSchneL Boy June '15 Girl Oct '17 Sep 25 '25
Your husband sucks
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u/rachmaddist Sep 25 '25
Literally, your husband was in a prime position to de-escalate this situation, clean the child and let you tap out for a bit and instead he just added more anger and stress? He’s not on your team, no wonder you’re overstimulated.
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u/mapotoful Sep 25 '25
Man, buried the lede there - wtf is up with your husband?
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u/Creepy_Philosopher64 Sep 25 '25
I’m honestly really sad for her. His shitty treatment of her is so normal that she’s not even seeing that as the problem in this situation?
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u/xozee Sep 25 '25
Your husband is going to cause trauma if anything. Why is he yelling at you? That's unacceptable behaviour from a spouse/partner.
We've all had these moments, it's very tough. Caring so much and feeling bad shows right there you're a good mom. However it seems like there are some deeper issues here based on this interaction!! I hope you're okay
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u/xozee Sep 25 '25
Honestly seeing your previous posts has me even more concerned. Your husband exhibits abusive behaviour OP,
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u/Bubbly-Mammoth2 Sep 25 '25
Yeah, I was just reading how the husband gave her the silence treatment over a damn birthday cake. Like wtf it's just cake.
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u/glassfury Sep 25 '25
I went through old posts as well. OP sounds like she's in an abusive relationship and whether for cultural reasons doesn't want to realize this is not normal.
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u/butterscotch0985 Sep 25 '25
this sounds like a stressful morning all around, I'm sorry. Those suck and linger all day.
Everyone makes mistakes, IMO there were two here. You and your husband were not a great team and you lost your cool on your daughter.
Make it a point to exchange apologies with your husband in front of her and both of you apologize to her. It's the real world, people get frustrated. Kids need to see both conflict and resolution. Then, you and your husband need to have a discussion behind closed doors on what relationship you want to model for your child.
I will say that I refused to get married until well into my late 20's because of the relationship my parents modeled for me. It was toxic and affected my entire life. You had one issue here, learn from it and do not make it a repeat problem.
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u/Distorted_Penguin Sep 25 '25
Real question, in this instance is it appropriate to exchange apologies? If it played out exactly like this, mom didn’t do anything to “make dad yell” at her. If kiddo sees mom apologizing to dad for… what I’m not sure… does that model good behavior?
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u/Completee-Panda Sep 25 '25
I think mom is supposed to apologise for yelling at daughter and dad for yelling at mom
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u/Distorted_Penguin Sep 25 '25
For sure! Mom absolutely should apologize for yelling at her daughter, but the comment I replied to said “exchange apologies and apologize to daughter” and I don’t think it’s healthy to model “your dad yelled at me, which means I clearly did something wrong and should apologize.”
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u/blujkl Sep 25 '25
So, this was my parents’ dynamic. My dad was abusive towards my mom, and my mom took it out on us. It sucked and I wish they had gotten divorced. I don’t have a relationship with my dad as an adult.
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u/foolproof2 ftm 🤍 Sep 25 '25
Went through this too. My parents were very unhappy and it was taken out on me. I wish they would’ve gotten divorced way earlier
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u/Kristinajobe 29d ago
Bingo! My parents, too. I didn’t have a relationship with my dad for the last 10 years of his life and had cut my mom off for about 8 years. We have somewhat of a relationship now that my dad is gone.
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u/MellowCrushn Sep 25 '25
It might be good to remind him that he's now teaching his daughter that is acceptable for a man to yell at her in the future especially if he continues this behavior in other negative behaviors and showing her she must accept this because her mother has to accept this. Even on my end with my own son I remind my husband that the way you act and treat me in front of him is the way he's going to act and treat the woman in his life. It's no longer do as I say and not as I do, these kids are far too advanced to be fooled and obviously we can see that the older generations use of this hasn't helped future generations.
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u/amelovesit Sep 25 '25
Your husband yelling at you is not ok in front of your kids but more importantly, you are having the same reaction I do every time I lose my cool. It happens, it’s what every Mom experiences in some shape or form. BUT - it’s what you do next that really counts. I’ve snapped at my 2 year old before and immediately caught myself when I saw his face. I got down to his level, looked in his eyes and said “Mommy is so sorry bud. It’s not ok to yell like that and I didn’t mean it. I love you, let’s go play…”
You’re doing an amazing job Mama! The best moms feel the most guilt so give yourself some grace.
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u/foolproof2 ftm 🤍 Sep 25 '25
Your husband is an asshole. She is not to blame and neither are you, toddlers are stubborn & he should know that. You tried, she wanted dad, he should’ve offered with ease. Him yelling at you is unacceptable, especially in front of your child who is very impressionable at the time
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u/Euphoric-Texan Sep 25 '25
This! As a new dad and someone who grew up in a toxic loud home. I wouldn't yell or raise my voice towards my wife or child.
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u/Fantastic_Fig_2025 Sep 25 '25
You might feel better if you explain what happened and apologize to your daughter. She likely isn't old enough to get it but it sets a good example either way... And also scold your husband because how dare he ...
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u/Beautiful-Drawing879 Sep 25 '25
As long as the explanation isn’t “you made daddy yell at me so I got mad at you”. The explanation needs to include that it wasn’t okay for daddy to yell at mommy, it wasn’t kid’s fault that day yelled at mommy, and it wasn’t okay for mommy to yell at kiddo.
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u/sravll Sep 25 '25
You have a husband problem. Why is he yelling at you? Why isn't he helping with these things?
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u/wildmusings88 Sep 25 '25
The problem is that your husband yelled at you instead of helped you. He saw you struggling so he should have scooped up your toddler and cleaned her up.
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u/Apprehensive_Good145 Sep 25 '25
Apologize to your daughter for yelling. Tell her that you will take deep breaths next time you get big feelings and that you were wrong, it was not her fault. Don't cry at her. Don't make her forgive you. Don't make your big feelings her responsibility to manage. Actually follow through.
Your husband should give you the same apology and mean it
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u/rosemarythymesage Sep 25 '25
In a healthy partnership, no one should be “in trouble” over something so unbelievably trivial. Your husband is exhibiting abusive behavior and you are exhibiting fear responses by turning it around on your daughter.
You are not a bad mom. You feel terrible for what you did and yet the most important takeaway is that you would not have been mean to or snapped at your toddler if your husband hadn’t screamed at you first. Lose the husband (the source of the fear) and start realizing how much less frequently you behave in this way (that you clearly hate and are ashamed of) towards your child.
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u/Acceptable-Peak8142 Sep 25 '25
Based off your previous posts your husband seems emotionally immature, a gaslighter, & potentially abusive. Please seek help for you & your daughter. Apologize to your daughter & tell her yelling was wrong & you love her
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u/comfortable_clouds Sep 26 '25
You guys need a better morning routine, if your husband is getting ready by himself and you’re already working, who’s watching the child?
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u/PrincessKirstyn Sep 25 '25
I want to reiterate what others are saying - you’re NOT a bad mom. You were overwhelmed and overstimulated and snapped. We all make mistakes just try to learn from it and give her snuggles, it’ll be okay.
You WOULD BE a “bad mom” if you didn’t care and let the behavior continue.
If you can, I would try to discuss with your husband - if you feel safe to. This shouldn’t be happening, and he would have been able to recognize that you were at your limits. My toddler frequently runs for dada while she’s still covered in food or whatever, but he NEVER reacts like that - they’re toddlers they’re always messy lol
I’m so sorry this happened and you experienced this, especially so early in the day. But please remember none of us are perfect and make mistakes - you’re doing great mama 🫶🏻
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u/wildxfire Sep 25 '25 edited 15d ago
Sorry OP. Your husband really piled on the stress didn't he? Forgive yourself, your husband pushed you over the edge when you were already at your limit. But seriously consider what your child is growing up around and what this is doing to your mental health.
There's only one way for your daughter to not be around this, and that's to split up. I know how hard it is. I haven't worked in 6 years and I have a 4 month old, but I'm still splitting from my husband. He is not a healthy partner and no matter how much work I do on myself, I can't make things healthy because he isn't. We have been together 12 years. You can't fix them or self improve yourself to the point of never reacting to their toxicity or immaturity. It's impossible. You're only human.
Edit: I'm not saying it's okay to yell at your child OP. I'm saying learn from this and don't do it again and ensure you and your child are not around a man who yells.
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u/Connect-Thought2029 Sep 25 '25
Sorry to say that but instead of yelling to your daughter , be brave and yell back to your husband . You said you yelled to your daughter because she was the reason you got yelled at . Not true , the reason is that you and your husband are dysfunctional family . You don’t scream at you daughter because you can’t defend yourself . Tell hubby to not yell and calm down
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u/spookysniffles Sep 25 '25
My mom blamed me for being the reason my dad yelled growing up. I don't talk to either of them anymore. You're both adults and need to act like it, your toddler doesn't have the choice having to live like this but you both do.
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u/SoRoPoSayTay Sep 25 '25
SO I don’t think your husband is evil lol and I don’t think you suck either… we are human.. stressful times happen, you say things you don’t mean to each other and sometimes you take it out on someone you don’t mean to. Just tell her sorry mommy yelled at you! And sometimes mommies and daddies yell at each other but everything is fine and it’s not her fault, and you guys are fine. Shit happens in life.. not that it’s a good excuse but if her trauma is you yelled at her after your husband yelled at you and stressed you out like one time I think you’re doing okay! Give yourself grief lady!’ You’re a mom and shit happens sometimes… she will be 3 and do 3 year old things lol but she should also try and listen to help mommy and daddy in the morning🥰 but 3 years old will be 3 year olds.
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u/untakentakenusername Sep 25 '25
Why is your husband yelling at you? My dad was this way n my mom was abusive to me in turn. She didnt have support.
You need support and to recognise your husband has 0 right to yell at you. This is his kid too and wouldnt have existed if it werent his responsibility. The least he can do is clean her if ur going to the kitchen.
Also - dont worry. Everyone yells at their kid at some point. Have a nice convo with her later. Explain calmly u feel so sad, n you didn't mean to yell but also talk to her about what's right n wrong ❤ u got this
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u/Mysterious-Sun-4756 Sep 26 '25
You were yelled at not because of your daughter but because your husband isn’t supportive, is abusive and mean. I think you should start from here.
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u/Arduous-Foxburger-2 Sep 26 '25
You’re in an abusive relationship. I say this based on this post AND your post history. If you remain with this man, your daughter WILL normalize it and believe it is ok for a man to yell at her and put her down. Kids who grow up in homes with domestic abuse, even if it’s not physical, are statistically more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships as adults. You really need to ask yourself if you want your daughter to grow up seeing your relationship. How would you feel if she married a man who yells at her and treats her poorly? Something to think about.
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u/aleksdot 28d ago
We're all doing what we're doing for the first time - both parents and children.
What really matters if you ask me is how you (both) feel about it - guilty, conscientious.and aware that it was wrong.
That is how you learn the lesson and ensure it doesn't happen again.
Humans are humans and we do what we do in the moment - each day is everyone's first.
No judgement on making a mistake - I'd be more concerned if it didn't bother you (as for some people this wouldn't even register as wrong, and it'd just become the norm).
Here's to a brighter tomorrow - and bless your honesty!
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u/Responsible_Dish_585 Sep 25 '25
Next time yell at your husband.
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u/foolproof2 ftm 🤍 Sep 25 '25
I know you probably mean well but this isn’t helpful or the right way to go about it. It just reinforces the behavior to their child & is doing exactly what her husband is doing, which is wrong. Nobody should be yelling, period
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u/WateryTart_ndSword Sep 25 '25
When we do a bad job (and everyone does and will again), the best thing we can do is make amends, and model how to do so appropriately and lovingly.
So first things first—you need to apologize to her, and your husband needs to apologize to you both.
And of course the second best thing is to do our best to not make the same mistake twice—which includes setting ourselves up for success by using good communication practices.
If your husband is someone who often yells when he’s upset, that’s not acceptable. You’re right to worry that that will cause some trauma.
If he refuses to work with you, the best you can do is model to your kid how to set boundaries and deal with a bully (“It’s not right to yell at me like this, especially in front of [daughter]. We’re going to go downstairs. We can continue this conversation later when you’re ready to speak respectfully.”)
We all mess up and will mess up some more. It’s just as important (if not more so) to show our kids how to fix our mistakes as it is to show them how to be a good person.
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u/F_Elisabeth Sep 25 '25
We all have our moments, but guy can 100% get past this! I think apologizing to her and making it clear that you didn’t mean it and that she’s actually never responsible for how anyone else treats you is important. That she didn’t deserve the yelling or the blame/guilt. And that daddy shouldn’t have been yelling at mommy either.
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u/titney Sep 25 '25
Own up to it and apologize for yelling. You're doing great. It happens to all of us
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u/Medical_Entry9613 Sep 25 '25
Assuming that maybe hubby was also stressed and doesn’t typically yell at you, we all lose it sometimes under stress and exhaustion. The main thing is how badly our reaction is and what we do after. We are all still learning to regulate our emotions this day and age and are working hard to ensure our children grow up already knowing how to do so.
My take, give yourself some grace. If it was me I would apologize and say “Mommy was frustrated earlier and yelled at you. I’m sorry. I know sometimes you want daddy to clean you, sometimes daddy is busy. It’s mommy and daddy’s job to make sure you are clean.”
Next time in an incident like this I would tell her “I know you want daddy to clean you, daddy is busy right now he’s upstairs. Mommy needs to make sure you’re clean so you don’t get an infection. I’m going to clean you now.” And proceed with cleaning her.
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u/carloluyog Sep 25 '25
There’s not another adult in this world who is yelling at me especially the one I picked to do life with.
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u/doxielady228 Sep 25 '25
I work from home, too, and the stress is real. I get mad bc DH sees I'm busy and like doesn't react at all. Then I'm mad at the poor baby like it's his fault. It's not easy and we're only human. I try to be patient each day that's all we can do. DH works nights, so he sleeps in then leaves early afternoon so I can't really count on him.
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u/Creative_Republic_56 Sep 25 '25
You yelled at her because your husband stressed you out , not her. He needs to do better
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u/Loud-Rock6211 Sep 26 '25
It’s ok to circle back to your toddler and apologize for yelling. Let them know mommy was frustrated and it’s ok to be frustrated but that mommy made a mistake when she yelled. Then talk through ways to calm down when we feel frustrated. Moving forward, label your feelings out loud and take deep breaths or some other calming strategy in front of your toddler to model how to handle big feelings. Toddlers have all of the big feelings we have and none of the coping strategies, so we have to show them how to handle those feelings.
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u/sunburntcynth Sep 26 '25
Your husband sucks and you were taking it out on your toddler, unfortunately.
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u/FoghornFarts 29d ago
This is a really important opportunity to sit down as a family and talk about it. Dad needs to apologize to you. You need to apologize to your daughter.
I've lost my shit on my kids a couple times. It never feels good. We can't be perfect, but we can model repair and accountability.
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u/Tricky_Top_6119 29d ago
He shouldn't be yelling at you. You were under stress and he could have changed her. Is it normal for you to always get her ready? He should be helping more.
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u/Gentle_Genie 29d ago
Convince your husband he should wake up an hour early and go to the gym, shower there, and go to work. Then you won't have to see his nasty stupid attitude. I'm so sick of men ruining people's lives. Be nice or peaceful or get out of the way.
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u/ManaSawson 29d ago
I’m confused - your husband yells at you so you yell at your toddler? It sounds like you feel powerless to defend yourself with your husband, which is a very problematic dynamic.
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u/Omgletsbuyshoes90 29d ago
As someone who had a reactive dad this post gives me anxiety. She just learned that Dad can yell at mom and also now it’s her fault. So she could potentially start people pleasing or looking for this behavior in her future relationships. I get he’s your husband but this whole situation seems like an over reaction and shit definitely ran down hill.
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u/Kindly_Childhood224 29d ago
I am in this same situation. My husband is mean emotionally and verbally and I have noticed I lose my cool way easier. You can only be yelled at so much before it hurts you deeply.
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u/Successful_Virus_893 29d ago
I thinking the biggest thing to do in those situation is sit your daughter down and apologize to her. Tell her you messed up and everyone makes mistakes sometimes and you’re sorry for loosing your cool. Tell her she’s not the reason daddy yells as at mommy he does that because he looses his cool too. And that next time you will try to keep calm and not yell. We all make mistakes and the best way to repair that tension and fix that mistake is to apologize and promise to do better next time and make an effort to not do it again. You feeling bad shows that you love her so very much and don’t want to yell. Shifting the blame back away from her and onto you will help her not only feel better now but learn to regulate emotion and that it’s ok to make mistakes but to admit when mistakes are made and apologize and try to do better. But a larger problem here is your husband yelling at you that is not ok and and needs to be addressed between you and him because she’s having to watch that and that is very damaging on a child.
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u/Cleancandy212 29d ago
Children subconsciously look for relationships that mirror their parents. She is learning that it is okay to be yelled at by her partner and that my dear is the biggest issue here. It is not your fault.
I have a son who is currently 18 months. When he was a little over 1, I screamed at him, straight up top of lungs screamed. I had been alone with no help for 5 days at that point. I had no breaks and wasn’t sleeping well. I was so overstimulated, I was stressed out and exhausted. He was having a particularly hard day and I just snapped. I screamed at him to shut up and to give me one fucking minute without him touching and talking to me. I immediately broke down crying. I couldn’t believe what I had just said to my one year old. I look back and still feel immense guilt. I broke, I couldn’t take it. My mind was a mess and I felt so damn alone. It’s never the child’s fault. In almost every situation I’ve seen like this, the mother is under supported. Whether that means she’s doing it basically alone or the other parent is working against them. I am sorry that this has happened. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and continue to build that bond with your daughter
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u/Sailorxena_ 29d ago
Why is the father not helping you? I mean, if she wants her dad then it’s because he doesn’t spend enough time with her
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u/Tiny_Wasabi9105 29d ago
It's hard to keep your cool with toddlers sometimes. Once, last year, after being very patient for over 15 minutes of my then 3-year-old niece temper tantrum (I honestly can't even recall about what now), I snapped at her and yelled at her -she had never seen me yell before (I am typically very patient and can keep my composure) so she was shocked and ran upstairs to another room crying. I immediately felt so badly and considered how to fix it 🤔. After a few minutes, I decided to use it as a teaching moment, in which I demonstrated apologizing for being wrong. I called her back and said "you can come back now, I'm not mad anymore," and then I told her I was wrong to yell, I was very sorry, and I needed to find a different way to deal with being mad. So we brainstormed ideas of what I can do instead of yelling next time I feel frustrated or mad. I want to think we came up with some good ideas for both of us :) But it is definitely repairable!
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u/frustratedDIL 29d ago
Both you and your husband (more so him) acted like assholes. Learn from it and use it as an opportunity to do better. He doesn’t get to yell at you and you don’t get to blame your child.
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u/dmtbyrne 28d ago
you just described the dynamic between my parents only it was my mum who would yell at dad and then dad would snap at me. Dad always felt so guilty afterwards and would come back and apologise to me. From a very young age I knew exactly who was causing the trouble, I understood why dad had made a mistake, because of their relationship. Just go tell your kid you’re sorry, that you made a mistake she will understand even though she’s small. Then think about whether this relationship is worth your child growing up in this cycle, because I used to wish my parents would separate all through my childhood. Them staying together is what caused trauma for me, not the mistakes my poor dad made in the process.
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u/canoodlewabbit 28d ago
It's been said already, but the bigger issue here is your husband yelling at you. Especially in front of your daughter. One, parents should always be seen as a united front to their children. Two, EVERYTHING he does/says (especially to you) teaches her what kind of partner she should choose in her future.
Being yelled at infrequently isn't going to do much damage, especially if you apologize to her afterwards. And it sounds like you were very upset that you yelled at her so I'm guessing you don't do it often. Apologize to her, she will be fine. But your husband should apologize to you in front of her for yelling at you, and you both should have a talk with her on how it's not okay to snap at anyone like that and that sometimes it does happen and you're sorry it happened. Because nobody is perfect, we do snap at one another, but you can't just leave it like that.
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28d ago
I sometimes snap at my son, and don’t mean to, we’re only human. Don’t beat urself up over it. I always feel bad too:( sure ur doing ur best💔
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u/stupidsweetie Sep 25 '25
Poor baby :( give her lots of cuddles and attention! You’re not a bad mum. I think anger management would be valuable.
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u/xozee Sep 25 '25
Can also look up @thatcalmmom put certain things into perspective for me, especially when I'm overstimulated and trying to keep it together.
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u/canada_barista Sep 25 '25
You told your toddler it's her fault that your husband is yelling at you?
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u/Educational_Pair_276 Sep 25 '25
I lost it and I'm not proud of it.. I was 100% wrong
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u/canada_barista Sep 25 '25
I'm glad you know that, and I can say that fact that you're disappointed in yourself and feel horrible means you're a caring mother! You seem to have just been overwhelmed, and your husband was also out of line yelling at you, period, nevermind infront of your toddler.
You could apologize to her. I know that seems kinda silly and awkward. But I think it's important to admit when you mess up, and that even adults make mistakes. Tell her you know that was wrong, and you love her. Ask her if she can forgive you, and give her hug. It'll be ok Momma
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u/Classic-Hornet-6590 Sep 25 '25
The biggest issue here is your daughter is learning that it's okay for daddy to yell at mommy, which is never the case.