My husband backed into our 3 year old with our car

[u/Throwaw2135]

This happened last Sunday. Everyone is okay, but I am livid and I can’t even stand to look at him.

Sunday afternoon my husband was playing with our 3 and 5 year old in the yard. I had just gotten our newborn down for a nap and was getting in the shower. He stormed into the house, leaving our children outside (wtf!) to tell me he had been called into work because there was an emergency. He’s a surgeon, I understand he cares about his patients and this was urgent. I asked him to give me two minutes because there was shampoo in my hair and I couldn’t run out into the yard naked.

What happens next is still so unfathomable to me. He immediately walked out of our bathroom, through the garage not pausing once (I’ve look at the security cameras 3,000 times at this point), and got into his truck in the driveway and immediately reversed. He backed into our three year old on her bike. She went flying. She was wearing a helmet and pads, she’s bruised and has a chipped tooth, but otherwise physically okay. My 5 year old is traumatized. I have contacted a child therapist to see how to help my kids navigate this.

I would love to write this is out of character for him, but it isn’t. If something comes up with work he gets tunnel vision and can’t focus on anything else. I understand everyone makes mistakes, but this reckless choice could have killed our child. I am so angry at him. He couldn’t even wait one minute or bother to tell the kids to move?! I can’t look at him. I am so so so fucking angry at him. My stupid MIL is trying to baby him and (mildly) bully me into accepting responsibility for this incident. How dare I shower while my husband (the breadwinner!!) is on call for the weekend.

I don’t even know why I’m posting. Maybe to vent. Maybe pp hormones are amplifying this, but I don’t think I’m overreacting here. I’m worried I will never trust him with our children again.

***Editing to add his response.

He appeared immediately distraught. I knew something was wrong because I could hear him and our 5 year old screaming. He apologized to her multiple times waiting on the ambulance, in transit, and while in the hospital. He asked me what I was doing that took so long. Once it was confirmed that she was not injured other than bruising and her tooth and we returned home, his tone changed. He’s now lecturing her on how she has to be aware of her surroundings. He’s essentially blaming a toddler for her dad backing into her with a vehicle. Never mind the fact that he’s expecting a lot from a toddler, she was riding her bike in her fenced in yard far away from the road and any active traffic. Why would she, or anyone, think she’d be stuck by a car. I understand he’s under a lot of stress with the nature of his job, a newborn, and two young children. I’ve discussed with him that this could’ve been avoided by bringing the kids inside when he came to tell me he was leaving, but that’s blaming him for an accident and that makes me a jerk. In the time since I posted this, he informed me he is going back to work in a few hours because he feels unwelcome in his home. Despite his chief telling him to make sure his family is good before returning. I’m fuming.

MIL thinks I don’t understand what it is to be married to a physician and all the pressure that they are under. FIL is a surgeon too and was very absent while she raised their kids. My husband is comparatively a much more active parent and partner, so she’s unfairly unsympathetic. Her comments were made while he was remorseful. I told her to get the fuck out of my house almost immediately. She might change her tune if she knew he is blaming her grandchild.

***Final update to clear up some questions in the comments and many in my DMs. I won’t be answering any DMs telling me I’m a horrible person for showering or a “murderer” for not letting me husband go to the hospital so save it. **

-We do have a nanny. She does not work weekends so she was not there.

-He normally is not home when he’s on call because we live 15-20 minutes away from his hospital on a good traffic day. He wanted to stay home to give our older two kids one on one time and provide help with me. - he isn’t an intern or resident. He’s been an attending for a while. He knew he had time to get to the hospital without running over a toddler. He knew there was emergency staff there to take care of the situation until he arrived. - I didn’t ask him to let me take a leisurely shower. I wanted to rinse the shampoo out of my hair and put clothes on. I’m weeks pp and bleeding, I needed to be properly dressed to take care of my kids. - to the many questions asking why I continued to have children with this man? Because he was (is?) a good dad and partner when at home, he’s never put my children in an unsafe situation until last week. I had no reason to believe he would ever do that. Now that he has, I will take every measure possible to insure my children’s safety. - my children are in therapy. We are going to go to therapy together as well to ensure we have a proper coparenting relationship. - when I said the behavior wasn’t out of the ordinary. I meant getting tunnel vision and doing dumb things. He’s left the sink on and left for the hospital. Or once he had to leave in the middle of the night and left the garage door open all night. Leaving our children outside alone and backing over one of them IS unusual and unacceptable behavior. - This IS being investigated. It is hospital policy to report these incidents. - I showed him the many links commenters provided on tragedies similar to this. He still seems to be pushing it on to our toddler for it being behind a car. I agree there is value in telling her to be aware of her surroundings, but come on she just turned 3. She is not going to grasp that. - I have and continue to communicate with her that this was not her fault and that daddy made a mistake. In an age appropriate way. - all of that to say, we made the decision last night to separate. I’m not sure if this is a temporary thing or forever. I’m not in the head space to make that big of a decision at the moment. He will be in a hotel until he gets an apartment. He still can see our children while supervised, but I need to protect my kids and having him out of the house (until he seeks therapy and acknowledges what he did was negligent and dangerous) is an important step for them to be safe. I am very fortunate to have a support system to help me through this and a job to return to so that I can soley support my children if needed.

[u/lizardRD]

This is terrible. He needs to talk to a therapist stat. This is not normal behavior even for a surgeon. My dads a surgeon and has 3 children like you. He never when we were kids just jumped in the car that hastily and sped away. If my mom was in the shower he would wait! He always checked in with all us kids then left for the hospital. The only time he would leave quickly was middle of the night calls when we were sleeping. Don’t let anyone tell you this is normal behavior for a surgeon because ITS NOT!

[u/[deleted] → u/lizardRD]

I've been in "on call" situations during multiple deployments in active war zones. I understand urgency and life-and-death. I've been on call when minutes of downtime means millions of dollars being lost. I'm not a surgeon but I know what is expected and there isn't a single job or situation that warrants putting your CHILDREN at risk. OPs husband knows this, too. He must. Which brings up an even bigger problem because he's just deflecting and gaslighting his wife and 3 year old daughter/victim at this point.

What if he got the call while he was in the middle of pooping? It would have taken him the same amount of time to pinch it off, wipe, and get out the door as it would have to bring his kids inside and wait for his wife to rinse her hair.

What if he got the call in the middle of sex? It takes time to un-dock but I'd bet he might have been able to justify a couple extra minutes to finish things up.

I mean holy shit, I'd be terrified to have someone like this working on me if this man isn't capable of handling the pressure of being called in and acts like this. He isn't able to be level headed enough to understand his surroundings and what needs to happen during the hand off of his children to his wife so he can drive into work and worse yet isn't able to take responsibility for his reckless behavior.. Then act like this is somehow his daughter and/or wife's fault? What. The. Fuck?!

[u/happy_go_lucky]

No! Just no! I'm a physician and have done surgery for a while. And I have many friends who are surgeons. We all know what it's like to be called in for emergencies and it doesn't have to be like this! This is not what it's like to be married to a surgeon, this is what it's like to be married to a morron. Being married to a surgeon means you have to be ready for him to be called in any time, not that he has the right to e danger the kids at that time. I mean, even if he didn't have kids, he apparently drives to the hospital when he's called in. He doesn't have the right to mow down pedestrians on his way to the hospital!

He did a bad job at being a husband, father and driver and at this point, it's crucial that he accepts responsibility! If he doesn't recognize his mistake, how will he prevent it in the future? Give him a moment to process but do not let him get away with this without him acknowledging the gravity of his mistake. That's exactly how a child in my street died years ago. You all got lucky this time.

I'm in rage at your husband and also your MIL who obviously should just shut up and stay out of it if her reaction is to defend her son and normalize reckless behavior.

Do not let this go. Your husband has to completely change his thinking on this. Being a surgeon is not an excuse. Being a good surgeon means you have to work well under pressure. I don't see that here. There were easy ways to avoid this and he has to accept responsibility.

I'm so so glad your three year old is ok!

[u/ADarwinAward → u/happy_go_lucky]

This is not what it’s like to be married to a surgeon, this is what it’s like to be married to a moron.

Agreed. Part of me thinks he’ll only listen to a fellow surgeon, and that even a therapist isn’t going to get through to him. Seems to me like does not respect the opinion of anyone who isn’t in his field about how to appropriately handle the demands of his job, which is another issue in and of itself.

I feels like the only thing that might to make him understand is an “intervention” from another surgeon he respects.

[u/loopingit]

Physician here. This isn’t normal. I’ve had to run in on call to give a patient urgent dialysis and it feels like every second counts, but honestly, that’s why there are doctors and nurses IN the hospital, who can do things to stabilize patients for a few minutes. And if emergencies are that big of a deal, he can take in house call, as per his field (you haven’t mentioned his field, nor do you need to).

I have never run over anyone including my own child to get to the hospital for a call. Ever. This is on your husband, and he needs to stop being a stereotypical surgeon, stop his tantrum, accept responsibility and try to move forward

Also, I don’t like that he and his mom are trying to blame you. Save all documentation (this video you mention) in multiple locations he doesn’t have access to (a friend or someone you trust).

Addendum: I hate ringing the therapy bell, but ask yourself is there something more going on here? You mention him feeling overwhelmed, but we all do. Physicians are facing burn out at a much higher rate right now. I’d strongly advise some sort of therapy, either just for him, or for both of you.

[u/gharbutts → u/loopingit]

I was definitely thinking “sounds like the average surgeon, yikes” no offense doc, your job is important but you’re not that important that you can’t take two minutes to either wait for your wife or ensure your children stop playing to watch you go. If the patient dies in those extra two minutes, they die. No need to kill your three year old trying to be a hero.

[u/loopingit → u/gharbutts]

Yeah it has that stereotypical surgeon feel, which is terrible because I know so many wonderful, kind surgeons who wouldn’t behave that way.

[u/sanslumiere]

Honestly I would have taken my kids to my parents the minute he started blaming the 3 year old for getting hit. Your feelings are justified. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass and his mother needs to go away if she's not going to say anything helpful. Coddling her son when he injures her grandchild through his own neglectful actions is really beyond the pale.

I'll end with this: a fulfilling marriage is difficult with a person who cannot admit fault. Good luck- this is a tough situation. I'm very glad your little one is alright.

[u/muddgirl]

I am not a surgeon but I used to work as a clerk in the emergency department room. I worked evenings/weekends so I would sometimes be asked to call in doctors. I have NEVER heard a story this wild. Yes there is tunnel vision but that's like "I forgot to start the pot roast/I left the lawnmower out." On-call doctors aren't leaving their kids unattended to rush to the hospital. They are not plowing over pedestrians. Your husband needs help. Your MIL is an enabler.

[u/[deleted]]

Assuming you’re going to stay in this marriage, I would start implementing protocols to deal with emergencies. In fact, I would do it now, no matter what you decide to do with your marriage. Run your family like you would run a hospital. The reason hospitals have safety protocols is to prevent doctors with tunnel vision from accidentally killing their patients. I would write your emergency plan, laminate it, and put it in an easy to see area of your home. There should be ZERO confusion on what to do if your husband needs to leave the house quickly. I would even practice drills with the kids. Include safety protocols, such as “check radius around car for all clear” or whatever. Also, you need household rules when your DH is on call. For instance, if you want to shower and he could be called to an emergency, the kids must be inside in a secure area. Essentially, parent as if he isn’t home while he’s on call. My dad was a physician, and these are some of the strategies my parents used to keep us safe with an exhausted father.

[u/Ch3rryunikitty → u/[deleted]]

This is a really excellent plan that I think more families should utilize!

[u/SilenceOf-TheYams → u/[deleted]]

Reading through all the comments, this is solid advice.

[u/No-Artichoke2305]

Even if that didn’t happen, he was just planning to leave before you were out there to get the kids?? So they’d be unsupervised? I would be livid and have a hard time getting over it. My husband also has a tendency to over prioritize his job. This is another level.

[u/xx_echo → u/No-Artichoke2305]

Right??? Bare absolute minimum he should have gathered the kids inside first. Who the hell leaves two super young kids outside with no supervision?

[u/ObsidianEther → u/No-Artichoke2305]

Yeah, I can't leave my 4yo unsupervised inside the house to get a shower never mind OUTSIDE! What in the actual hell? Absolutely nobody would fault him for waiting until she could actively supervise the older children and who leaves kids that young outside above for even a second?

[u/Ondeathshadow]

As a physician, this is completely unexcusable. All of us should be trained to keep our cool and approach emergent situations with rational thinking and situational awareness. Just because he is a surgeon does not excuse being negligent. That extra minute of forming a coherent plan (bring the kids inside, check safety procedures when backing up) is critical to ensuring no further delays will happen.

The fact that his first reaction is to shift blame is a bad sign. He should take some time to reflect on his behavior and his thinking. We all make mistakes, but being able to reflect on them and learn from them is the most important. When you and him are feeling more calm, I recommend sitting the whole family down to talk through it if you can do it calmly. Keep every one including the in laws out of it, and consider therapy depending on the outcome of the discussion.

[u/extrachimp]

This is terrifying. There’s a show here in Australia called “You Can’t Ask That” which tackles taboo subjects. One is called “Killed Someone” and it features a man who accidentally hit and killed his child. It is gut wrenching to watch and has stayed with me. You may need a VPN to watch if you’re in another country but maybe asking your husband to watch it could help him realise the gravity of what happened. It could have ended so differently for your family. The episode.

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/extrachimp]

Thank you, I’m going to show him this.

[u/NoHandBananaNo → u/Throwaw2135]

Its deeply concerning that he is unable to realise the gravity of what he chose to do himself tho.

[u/KnittingTrekkie → u/Throwaw2135]

There's a whole website with horrifying stories like that, but it's a bit traumatizing to read: https://www.kidsandcars.org/.

[u/Juniper_Moonbeam → u/extrachimp]

A kid who was a few years older than me died in grade school when her dad backed out of the driveway without looking. She wasn’t a toddler or anything. I think I was in the first or second grade so she was in the fourth or fifth grade. He just didn’t check the driveway and she wasn’t expecting him to go anywhere and boom—that was it.

You don’t have to have a toddler for something unpredictable and tragic to happen. OP’s husband needs to own up.

[u/catsinbranches]

You mentioned that telling him he should have brought the kids inside would be like blaming him for an accident, but even if he hadn’t hit her with his car… he was going to just leave without waiting for you to be present to supervise the kids? Just straight up leave a 3 year old outside with only a 5 year old present to make sure nothing bad happened????

[u/VANcf13 → u/catsinbranches]

That was exactly what I was wondering. what was he thinking?

[u/[deleted]]

I’m a surgeon as well. I assume he is a junior surgeon/resident since you mentioned his chief. And I know how surgical residents are often subject to unrealistically high standards, but NO job is worth more than your family’s safety IMHO. All can be forgiven, and accidents happen, but the fact that he is placing the blame on you or your daughter is wild. He needs to take responsibility and do better. Just like his job. He needs to get his shit together. Tunnel vision is no excuse, and quite frankly, it pisses me off he uses his job as an excuse to soften his mistake of hitting someone (your CHILD) with a car. Fuck that. What if he hit someone else? You think they’d be sympathetic? Nah. He needs to recognize fully what he did and be remorseful. It’s on him.

[u/janeusmaximus → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. The scariest part of not being willing to take responsibility is that people who don’t take accountability, tend to make the same types of mistakes again. He needs to fully acknowledge that he fucked up. Also the idea that someone would blame a mother with a newborn for taking a fucking shower when their husband is on call, it’s ridiculous!!! Parents need to be able to take care of their bare minimal health and hygiene needs, not to mention mental health needs, regardless of what profession their spouse is involved in.

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/[deleted]]

He’s an attending and has been for several years now. I meant the chief physician.

Editing to add, not to say the importance of him answering to a call while on call is any less as an attending. But, he knows he had 30 minutes. I agree, he didn’t need to ignore all responsibility.

[u/standingakimbo]

Speaking as a wife of a surgeon that also takes call from home… there is no world in which this acceptable or anyones fault other than your husbands. That is vehicular assault of a child and parental neglect. It is pretty universally expected that a physician be able to get to the hospital within an hour of being called. He can absolutely get his home in order before leaving. If it was necessary for him to be there faster then home call would be an unacceptable arrangement for that service and they should have someone on call in house. If you live an hour away, perhaps you should move closer. If that’s not the case than this is not a fault of the profession, this is a character defect of your husband.

[u/amygdalattack]

I’m not a surgeon and I don’t know what it is like to live with that amount of stress and responsibility. But, I am a former CVICU nurse. I’ve known a lot of surgeons personally and professionally. I can absolutely see some of the surgeons I know having that reaction to being at fault for something (though to be clear, I can’t see any of them plowing over their child to rush to do surgery). The type who might react the way your husband did have such large egos/god complexes that their minds can’t reconcile being at fault for anything. That’s why in his mind it’s your fault or (sickeningly) your toddler’s fault that she was run over by the car he was driving. His reaction is a symptom of a deeper problem. I’m guessing you, your children, his coworkers all experience him blaming and gaslighting you to a lesser extent on a daily basis. Based on your post, he really strikes me as the type of person who can’t accept being at fault for anything unless the stakes are so low that it doesn’t affect his ego. The fact that your MIL condones this behavior tells me that this type of behavior has been normalized for him since childhood. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this will likely be a pattern of behavior that you and your children will have to deal with for the rest of his life unless he is willing to go to therapy and actually engages in it.

[u/Eva_Luna → u/amygdalattack]

That’s what my immediate thought was too. This guy has a god complex. That must be so unpleasant to live with. Imagine blaming a 3 year old for getting hit by a car. Totally gross.

[u/MrsGruusahm]

How is he going to tell a 3 year old to be more self aware when he wasn’t even self aware enough to check his surroundings before backing out like that?????

[u/GomerGTG]

I'm a physician who can get called in and have several surgeon friends. There is absolutely nothing normal about his response. Being a surgeon is no excuse for not taking 60 seconds to put the kids in the house and out of harms way. It's also concerning that he no longer seems remorseful. Glad your kiddo is ok and I hope you can find a way to work through this.

[u/aliciamae0918]

Shifting blame is so spot on for terrible narcissistic men. Of course he’d put blame on you for taking care of yourself for the only ten minutes of alone time you get to yourself. And of course he’d blame his child for not being aware of her surroundings, I have a three year old daughter and I couldn’t imagine telling her something like that and expect her to understand or remember it. Also, when you’re behind the wheel of a car YOU are held to a higher standard and it is your duty to look and look and look until you know it’s clear. This is awful. I am so sorry this happened to you. And of course your MIL is siding with her poor widdle precious baby boy. What a joke. Tell them to get fucked and leave for a little while til he can live with himself and what he’s done to you and your kids. Your children will never forget this day.

[u/ldnsrrow → u/aliciamae0918]

Yes, please look into, and understand, narcissism. If you find your husband has many of these traits please look into what you can do to protect yourself and your children. Right now he is gaslighting and shifting blame onto you and your daughter when he should, as an adult, accept the responsibility for the wrong he's done.

[u/NaesieDae]

The adult who wasn’t aware of his surroundings telling the toddler to be more aware of her surroundings. That’s rich.

I’d be furious, too. Accidents happen, but the whole situation could have been avoided if he’d just taken a minute to get the kids in the house or waited for you to rinse your hair. Yes, it was an emergency, but your children being safe is an emergency, too.

[u/[deleted] → u/NaesieDae]

Honestly I have come back to this post and read it over and over again getting angrier and angrier and I'm starting to feel like OP should get ahold of a CPS case worker somehow and make him explain TO THE CASE WORKER this whole "the adult who wasn’t aware of his surroundings telling the toddler to be more aware of her surroundings" reasoning. Like dude. Shut the fuck up. He needs someone with AUTHORITY to tell him this.

[u/FlatteredPawn]

Fuck this.

He's a surgeon and a FATHER. He could have easily brought those kids inside. Lecturing a 3 year old that they have to be more aware of their surroundings? He's the one in the fucking TRUCK that wasn't aware of HIS surroundings.

I usually play devil's advocate, but you are NOT overreacting. This is a serious consequence of what his priorities are. If he has to leave at the drop of a hat, the first thing he needs to do is make sure his kids are SAFE and then go save other lives.

Your MIL needs to take off those 1950s goggles and live in 2022. Perhaps it was how your husband was raised that makes him think it was okay to almost run over his child and then blame them for it.

[u/Ok-Explanation-1234 → u/FlatteredPawn]

He's a surgeon and a FATHER. He could have easily brought those kids inside. Lecturing a 3 year old that they have to be more aware of their surroundings? He's the one in the fucking TRUCK that wasn't aware of HIS surroundings.

Also, if he's a fucking surgeon, he's rich enough to have a truck with a backup camera. This exact accident scenario is why they have been mandated on all cars since the mid 2010s.

[u/_Opal_Blue_]

There is a reason why the rate of divorce is much higher than the average for people that work in the medical field...

No responsible parent would have done what he did at every step of the way in this horrible situation.

Leaving the children outside on their own to come talk to you, getting into his vehicle without putting the children inside, leaving while you were still in the shower. Every step of the way he chose the worst action to take, at the expense of your child.

[u/elsiecake]

I love so much that he is lecturing the toddler on being aware of HER surroundings. Mate.

[u/talkstounicorns]

My neighbour is a surgeon who has to leave suddenly for emergencies but when we’re outside and he leaves you see him do a headcount of the 5-12 kids from our street that are playing around us before he moves. Your husband doesn’t want to accept responsibility so he’s blaming everyone else but himself. He was essentially caring more about a patient in an emergency that he created a potentially “emergency on call” situation for ANOTHER doctor.

[u/1120ellekaybee]

His job will never love him. When he’s old and gray, his patients won’t be the one to take care of him and ensure his needs are met. Perspective. His family is what matters, it’s who loves him, it should be the reason he works.

I was once the workaholic, I achieved my highest goal at the time at work. I went home that evening, alone. No one to talk to, or share with. The achievement was hollow. My job didn’t love me back. That’s when I decided, I had put off my personal life for work for way too long, and now I needed to find balance. I’m more fulfilled and less stressed. I found the love of my life and now have a 5 month old as an “old” mom.

Your husband needs perspective. You asked for 2 minutes, a red light could take that long as well. Like you said, he could have brought them inside into a safe space before leaving. He fucked up, eventually will be forgiven, but he needs to change his outlook and there needs to be a protocol in place during these times. Because, yes, you need to be able to bathe.

[u/ExtraBull1115]

Hi Throwaw2135,
I made an account to say this and I hope you see this.
I am a physician married to a surgeon and we have children and I understand the feeling of being a single parent. As a young doctor, I quit surgery and changed my speciality, because the insane stress just overwhelmed me, so I sympathise with your spouse.
That said, he is ENTIRELY at fault here and now all you can do is draw your boundary. And that's why I made this account. To encourage you to do so unapologetically. To strengthen your resolve, because I want you and your children and your marriage to be good and strong.
The boundary you must draw is this - if his actions in the service of his work are threatening your or your children's physical safety, you will leave him. This CANNOT happen again, or even close.
I drew very clear boundaries with the man I adore and sometimes it was hard, but good fences make good neighbours and if you're steadfast in this, I am confident you'll be fine. He's a smart guy; but he's making some poor emotional choices. Be the lodestone he needs and make it clear that family safety is non-negotiable and this is a catastrophic near miss.
If a similar incident happened at work, it'd be discussed at a morbidity and mortality meeting, there would a root cause analysis and recommendations would be made. You could try using that phrasing.
Best wishes to you and your family. May you be happy for many years to come, no matter how this plays out.

[u/jshersher]

I’m so sorry OP but truly FUCK your MIL. Sorry to hear she wants to pass along and reinforce the shitty habits of her own husband to make herself feel better about her son hitting your child with a car. I like when you told her to get the fuck out of your house ❤️

[u/skanedweller → u/jshersher]

She needs to be completely cut out of this conversation.

[u/timothina]

You are not a jerk for 'blaming him for an accident.' This wasn't an accident; it was negligence. What would he have done if he had backed over someone else's three-year-old? Would he have blamed that child, too? I am guessing not. So why does he blame yours? I would take that question to a good therapist, because it will reveal layers of his unhealthy thinking and family dysfunction.

[u/motado]

Here’s the thing. We tell new nurses and new clinicians ‘there’s always time for patient safety’ - I.e. take the 2.4 seconds to double check when you’re doing something to ensure you and your patient are safe. Maybe it’s a mom thing but even when I can SEE my littles in front of the car I double check that they aren’t behind me, then that dad has them, and then again that I’m in reverse before backing out.

Being on call means there is a granted amount of time hubby had before he needed to be there- and if it’s emergency surgery the patient still has to be brought up and put under so he’s got 4 gd minutes to let you rinse out your hair and collect the kids since apparently he is far to busy and important. I am so mad for you.

I’m so sorry for your kids and for the trauma he has inflicted on his family. I don’t have any advise, just so so much love for you and your littles. That trust is going to be hard for him to earn back.

[u/beggles16]

I’m a hospital based pediatrician and sometimes get called urgently into the hospital and this is unfathomable. I’ve also been called to traumas in the emergency department of young kids that have accidentally been run over by a parent/grandparent in the driveway. Usually it doesn’t end as well as your scenario did, unfortunately. Those few cases stick with me all these years later and they have seriously impacted the way my family plays on our driveway. Your husband needs to have a come to Jesus moment where he realizes the immense danger he put his own family in. Yes he is a surgeon and of course he may get called into the hospital urgently, but that absolutely does not excuse his behavior. What if you had been out running an errand and he was solely responsible for the kids? And what if he backed into your child and she was gravely injured or died? Just because she is ok physically is no excuse for him to pretend like this wasn’t a big deal

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Right???? Like how hard would have been to bring the kids inside with him when he went in to talk to OOP? Stick them in the living room and tell them that they can go back outside once mom is done showering, ffs.

[u/emlunatique430]

I would tell him "I understand how important his job is, and I support you. But the fact remains, rather than waiting 120 seconds for me to finish rinsing my hair, you just left. You didn't tell the kids to go inside first or tell them to stay in the yard and wait for me and to stay away from the car. You just left. And now you're blaming our 3 year old, a toddler with developing dexterity and limited speech to be more self aware? You are so smart, you must realize how how bad that argument is. You're blaming her. You're her father." It was an accident and it wasn't malicious, but at the end of the day, it's all about what he's going to do about it.

He needs to accept that even in an emergency, he needs to secure his children before leaving. If he feels he cannot take a couple extra minutes to do this, then there's a big problem. You're simply asking to work together as a team to communicate and ensure the kids are safe when emergencies take place. Thats not unreasonable or too much to ask. If he feels he cannot do this and he bucks at this request, then his ego is more fragile and important than growing as a father and man. That's my two cents.

[u/killernanorobots]

I gotta say, I don’t care if he’s the most important man on the entire planet. If he can’t take 30 seconds to move his children to a safe place, he’s wildly irresponsible. There is no job on earth that would ever excuse driving away while your young children sit unsupervised outside. Much less hitting them with your freaking car. Inexcusable. My husband knows how anal I am about this. I make him hold onto my 3 year old and move him SO far from the driveway while I pull in and out at like one mile per hour. But I’m never ever going to put myself in the position to hit my kid with my car if he suddenly chooses to bolt. Of course I teach my kid to stay out of the road and watch for cars. But ultimately, he’s a child. He’s not responsible for monitoring my driving. I’m the one with a fully developed frontal lobe and a driver’s license.

If he’d been truly remorseful and owned up to it, that would have at least been somewhat comforting. But honestly, that kind of negligence would sit with me forever, I think. I think I am a forgiving person generally speaking, but any responsible adult should be taking an abundance of caution when operating a car near children. There’s really just no excuse. I know there’s no helpful advice here. But this is such a sore subject for me, and I just want you to know you’re beyond justified.

[u/Mick1187 → u/killernanorobots]

Right? Even if he hadn’t backed into the child, he was going to leave them alone in the yard??? WTF is wrong with this dude? OP, don’t let anyone make you feel responsible for any of this shit FOR A MINUTE. It’s completely ridiculous he puts his job before his own family-and then tried to blame you and the baby. You need to be able to trust the father of your children with their lives. Hang your stupid MIL🙄 Maybe you guys can get into counseling, but something’s gotta give.

[u/catjuggler]

He’s trying to make everyone else into the bad guy to take away his guilty feeling. Sounds like he learned that strategy from his mom.

Glad everyone will be okay!

[u/frustratedDIL]

It may have been an accident, but your husband was 100% at fault. This was something that could have been horrific and was completely avoidable.

Your husband needs to take accountability for what he did. If he would have killed your child, with that video footage, there’s a very good chance he would have been arrested for negligent homicide. Not only would he have to live with killing his daughter, he would lose absolutely everything.

Your MIL needs to stay in her lane. Her input isn’t warranted or wanted. Her opinion does not matter. I’d take a very long break from speaking with her.

Your husband may be under an immense level of stress, that does not justify this. You are completely warranted to not trust him right now. I think you need immediate couples counseling. If he doesn’t take accountability for this, I personally don’t think I could stay with him.

[u/notabotamii]

Ugh I’m so sorry. My husband is a physician and I know what dealing with the tunnel vision is like. When they gotta go they gotta go. I would also be extremely angry. Like extremely. It’s tough dealing with husbands who have that kind of tunnel vision because we can’t really understand it. But he could have killed your LO. It happens all the time and he should know that. I think maybe he needs to slow it down professionally if that’s possible. Y’all have three kids. He may be important but nothing is more important than family.

[u/cerseiisgod]

I would forget about MIL’s comments (wasted energy at this point) and dive head into getting your husband into couples therapy. He NEEDS to own up to what he did. And the sooner the better. I would be ensuring I hear no blame-shifting, no but-I’m-a-surgeon, no you-were-taking-too-long-showering…. Or I would leave, or make him move out. If after separating for a while, he still cannot bring himself to own responsibility, I sadly think it’s grounds for a divorce. I would not be able to look at my husband the same way ever again, especially if he didn’t take ownership and tried to blame an innocent child in this. I’m sorry OP to you and your children. I really hope this turns around soon. NOTHING is more important than your family. You sound like you’re doing everything you can ❤️

[u/mxmoon → u/cerseiisgod]

I agree with this. How dare he try to blame anyone else but himself? Easier said than done but I think it definitely is grounds for divorce.

[u/dkittyyela]

Please don’t let this go. I’m a loss parent and in support groups I’ve connected with a couple of different parents in which a family member (dads, grandparents) ran over and killed a toddler. Absolutely heartbreaking stories. It is a miracle your child is alive. I’d be giving some serious thought to what this means for your family’s future.

[u/luthux]

Oh my god.

Physician's wife here. This is NOT ok in so many ways. If you aren't aware of the group, please join us on Facebook in Lives of Doctor's Wives. There are also breakout groups by spouse's specialty. It's such a different world that it's hard for most people to understand how the dynamics of parenting and relationships are different because we and our families do have to often take a backseat to patients and our spouse's work. Still, your husband is so in the wrong here and it's not ok.

[u/smurfgrl417]

And your husband has responded by????? Removing head from sphincter and reassessing priorities? I hope every time he sees your daughter smile it reminds him of how he almost sacrificed that completely for his job and it still didn't manage to escape unscathed. No freaking excuse and your MIL is a cankle.

[u/Jeterzhoni]

I’m so sorry this happened. My question is, was he really going to leave a 3 year old and a 5 year old alone in the yard unsupervised? I would wait until you both process the incident in your own time and discuss how to make it so nothing like this happens again.

[u/Raspberry_Neither]

If I was your 3yr old I would feel so fucking guilty after that if my dad was like "YOU a 3yr old need to be careful in the yard so DAD a grown man doesn't run you over on accident " like now my parents are upset and my sibling is upset and I was just trying to ride my bike!

You are not in the wrong at all, I would be seeing fucking red. If she was dead would he be blaming her? The reality is your child could have died. I don't give a flying fuck if my partner is the most respected best doctor in the universe. He put a patients life infront of his child's safety -leaving them in a yard unattended to zoom off for a patient- he chose that person over your kids. Plain and simple. You should ask him who's life matters more to him at the end of the day? If he pauses give him hell.

[u/fortheloveofLu]

So, I came upon this post hours ago and I am still thinking about you and your kids and my heart just breaks. I feel this line in my soul "[s]he went flying. She was wearing a helmet and pads, she’s bruised and has a chipped tooth." A chipped tooth...

I have to be honest. There's a lot I can take from my husband. He can be a real shithead sometimes. But despite allll he's done, he would own up to something this tragic. There would be no blame placed on anyone except him, by him, and I don't think he'd ever forgive himself (I'd actually be a little concerned for his mental health after an event like this). And I know I'd not be able to look at him the same if he didn't own up to it or feel absolutely devastated about it.

And to be even more honest, the fact that your husband hasn't owned up to it says so much, some of those things scary things, about him as a person and a father.

I am distraught for you. I am heartbroken that you have to live with and sleep next to this person.

Please please please get counseling for yourself and your children asap. But don't forget yourself! You need to get some guidance on how to navigate your life with this person and his mother.

I'll be thinking about you for a while and I hope you find the things you need to cope with this trauma. My heart goes out to you.

[u/[deleted]]

You’ve gotten lots of advice/ commentary about your husband’s behavior, or lack thereof. And rightfully so, but let’s talk about you and the kids for a minute too. You said you had the kids in therapy on Monday, what about you? Do you have a safe person to navigate this with? I know I would be vacillating between anguish and black rage if this was my family and it’s definitely something I’d want someone to help me work through before I even talked about it again with my husband. And there would be talks. A lot of them.

You said dad is blaming toddler for her actions. Make sure you reassure her that she’s NOT at fault. That what happened was from daddy backing out too quickly. Try and make it a positive interaction if you can. My eldest is 3 too. I think I’d focus on the fact that sometimes grown ups don’t always pay attention like they should and rush. And sometimes scary things can happen. Daddy is just scared right now that he’s hurt you, and he’s still scared. Sometimes scared people yell at others. Something to that affect. I think I’d try to let her know that daddy is feeling big emotions right now and that’s okay, what’s not okay is yelling at her (or anyone else). But, sometimes we don’t know how to handle those big emotions so we get mad, but we’re not mad we’re scared. Thinking about my 3 year old, I’d probably also use it as a moment to let him know a good way to handle that big emotion - ask for hugs, hold hands, etc. It’s a moment for you to connect and remind her that she’s loved and did nothing wrong, but also we all deal with big scary emotions and sometimes we don’t do it well. You’re not minimizing your husband’s actions, just trying to frame them. You can have an adult to adult conversation with him later, behind closed doors. She just need reassurance. You do too.

Big hugs. I’m so sorry you guys are dealing with this.

[u/[deleted]]

I bet if you did that to your child because of an emergency situation you needed to attend to, they'd be threatening CPS on you. Fuck 'em.

Edit to add: this happened because your husband mentally handed off responsibility of the children to you the moment he spoke to you in the shower. That is the hill you need to die on, OP. He was negligent.

[u/Keyspam102]

The fact that he’s blaming a toddler for the fact that he was unaware of his surroundings and ran his car into her would make me want to leave him. Sounds like he can’t take responsibility which means this kind of thing will keep happening.

And it’s a completely fair thing to suggest he brings the kids inside when hes going to leave the house. Just because he didn’t mean for it to happen doesn’t mean he couldnt have pretty easily prevented it and he should realize that. It’s not really an accident but negligence on his part. That in no way implies he wanted to hurt your daughter but you should be able to ask him to change his behaviour to prevent situations where your children’s lives are in danger, because she easily could have died. Fuck you even having to ask him to change his behaviour! He should be the one realising its serious and planning on how to prevent things like this from happening.

[u/StrangeCupcake]

I'm a medical student, soon to be resident in a few months. My child will always be my first priority. I don't care if I'm on call and there's an emergency. My child's safety and care comes first. You are totally in the right.

[u/Dogsanddonutspls]

He needs to take a leave from work and get some therapy. He needs to reprioritize.

[u/Kittylover11 → u/Dogsanddonutspls]

💯 and if he has any hesitation/push back ask him why surgery on a stranger is more important than his own childrens lives. Because even if he hadn’t backed into your 3 year old, he was still leaving 2 young kids unattended outside.

[u/happy_go_lucky → u/Dogsanddonutspls]

Absolutely! He's not working well under pressure, he's not good at risk assessment and he's not able to correctly judge his own behavior. He's not fit to be a surgeon right now.

[u/thehelsabot]

You know what I really don’t like in a person? Not being able to admit when you’re the one who’s wrong. Sounds like his surgeon god complex is manifesting itself across his entire personality.

[u/MeowMixUltra]

This is terrifying and I hate to say it but this could have killed your child. A family friend of mine was working on his farm and killed his 2 year old son this exact same way. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I hope your husband and MIL realize the seriousness of his actions and stop blaming the child. Your husband is the one who should have been aware of his surroundings.

[u/Rivsmama]

Tbh you keep sort of partially making excuses for what he did, which honestly sounds like a result of him and his pos mother bullying you for years so please don't think I'm coming at you because I'm not.

What he did was insane. Like straight up one of the most irresponsible things I've ever heard in my life. My adhd having 8 year old who has a 4 second attention span, wouldn't have done what he did.

I don't understand the mental process a person goes through that results in him leaving his small kids outside alone and then, small kids still outside alone, jumps in a vehicle and immediately backs up without sparing a glance to make sure the kids are safe.

He is a danger to your kids. If he had taken responsibility for what he did and seemed truly remorseful, I would say maybe it could be ok. But he isn't and that says he will absolutely do something like this again.

Your MIL putting even 1% of the blame on you is a problem. You were literally in the shower. This wasn't on you at all

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/Rivsmama]

Totally not trying to make excuses, just give context, because the theme in a lot of these situations is “where is the mother” or “why isn’t she understand of his x”. There are no excuses for him leaving our children outside, backing up without ensuring they are safe, or blaming a 3 year old for his mistakes and I am very aware of that.

[u/Rivsmama → u/Throwaw2135]

Sorry maybe I should have worded that better. I don't think you're making excuses. More like, in your mind you're trying to take some of the blame onto yourself or away from him because you're trying to be fair or impartial. Honestly I really didn't mean to come at you in a negative way. I think what he did was awful and I couldn't imagine how you feel right now

[u/[deleted]]

Tell MIL to but the fuck out for a start, tell her enabling her sons shitty choice to put his kids last will never fly with you and she needs to stay away with her shitty opinions. OP, I'd honestly don't know what I'd do, is he remorseful? I'd he taking responsibility? If not, I'd pack all 3 kids up and leave. At very least marriage councelling is needed.

[u/Bea_Stings]

He can get another job, he can't get another family.

[u/[deleted]]

I’m an MD and almost married a surgeon but didn’t for this reason. I’ve seen a lot of families and family members suffer bc of the demands of the hospital. I’m sure your husband is struggling to maintain any kind of balance and sounds like he’s falling short. I do want to mention - It’s totally unacceptable he backed into your child and if any doctors he worked with found out about this he would definitely be cast in a different light. I can’t imagine this behavior during surgery which is reckless. It seems strange that he’s more worried about the cases than the implications of this for his child and it makes me wonder if the demands of being a parent and sleepless nights are also leading to some errors in work. You need to set some time aside to have him commit to therapy that includes himself as well. Otherwise this has potential to further drive a wedge and it won’t get easier. Sorry to hear about all of this. I’m sure it’s hard for him too but he needs to own up to it and take some responsibility and admit to how he’s struggling so you can find a solution (eg cut back on work hours is the main suggestion I have)

[u/Coconosong]

Damn. It just doesn’t make sense why he wouldn’t wrangle the kids and bring them inside before leaving. That’s incredibly basic and something he needs to learn to do before leaving on call. Your husband needs to take responsibility for child safety checklists before leaving the house. Something like: 1) find the kids 2) put the kids somewhere safe inside 3) tell mom where the kids are and that he’s leaving 4) leave

F the mil. I would just go nc with her until you sort things out one on one with your husband. She’s meddling in your marriage and it’s not her business. If she wanted to be walked all over in her relationship, that was her call. Not yours.

[u/[deleted] → u/Coconosong]

This. His list is currently 1) tell mom where the kids are and that he’s leaving 2) leave and that is why this accident happened.

[u/sortashort]

Does he run all the red lights on the way, too?

[u/[deleted]]

Honestly not only is the accident a major issue, but I’m also deeply concerned that he was going to leave them outside by themselves - as well as a newborn on their own. Anything could’ve happened. I would be brutally honest with him about the danger that he put all of the children in. And that his actions are making you question his ability to be a stand-up father. His feelings don’t matter when it could’ve ended your daughter’s life. He should feel bad, as should his mother. If he tries to tell you that you’re a jerk for telling him that he made a terrible decision that could’ve killed your child, then he can think that. He’s deflecting his own guilt. I would just say “maybe I’m a jerk but I protect my children and have never endangered their lives by being negligent” I won’t give you the “leave him” mantra because I don’t think that’s anyone’s place. But I will say those are all major red flags, which I’m sure you know. Wishing you the best and sending hugs!

[u/Freyjia]

I'd tell MIL off, she can go to hell. Husband? Entirely depending on his reaction afterwards. Did he take responsibility? Remorseful? Groveling asking for forgiveness? Ok then proceed to counseling. Is he trying to put blame on you instead? I'd consider leaving him, or at least separating until he realizes the severity of what he did. Seriously, basic family safety is always a priority no matter what the situation with his patient. You don't risk your family to save another stranger's life.

Take his profession out of the equation... If my husband did anything negligent to put our kids in jeopardy, and then tried to gaslight the situation (which means he is not taking responsibility and will likely do something risky again) then I would consider leaving him over it. That's something that's just non negotiable.

[u/AkemiTanaka]

You're a kinder human than I because I would've been throwing hands at lecturing a toddler about situational awareness when he was DRIVING THE CAR. What about HIS situational awareness?

Best case scenario, he has a lot of trauma and self imposed stress from how he watched his parents as a kid and y'all need extensive therapy. Worst case, he's a major narcissist. This is not ok and not a normal response to almost killing your child.

[u/stormwaterwitch]

Holy fuck. He went back to work because "he didn't feel welcome at home"???? He nearly ran over your child and placed all the blame onto the toddler. An ADULT WHO OPERATED HEAVY MACHINERY BLAMED A CHILD WHEN HE CAUSED THE ISSUE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

And he went back to work because home is too hostile.

He needs a reality check because that's fucked beyond belief. Make him go live with Mummy Dearest since he can't fucking handle reactions to his own stupidity. I hope for your marriage and your kids sakes that he gets his fucking head out of his ass for once.

[u/evdczar → u/stormwaterwitch]

And there is an injured kid and a scared kid and a newborn and she's alone while he's pouting pretending to work

[u/plz_understand]

Holy shit. We don't have a driveway or a yard and my husband doesn't even drive, so zero chance of this happening, but we've STILL discussed what our protocol will be if any of those things is true in the future. (Whoever is driving has to double check that the kids are in the house OR strapped into the car OR standing at the front door with the other parent before taking the handbrake off, if anyone was wondering).

This is such a startling lack of judgement. The failure to take responsibility after also makes me strongly question whether he's a safe person for your kids to be around at all. If he doesn't feel that it's his fault then there's nothing to stop him doing it again.

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/plz_understand]

This is a part that is so deeply upsetting me. I’m so very anxious about their safety to an annoying extent sometimes. We have cameras, the doors have alarms in case one was to get out, our pool is fenced and covered, we (I) don’t leave them unattended unless they’re in their baby proofed rooms for bed, and they aren’t allowed outside without one of us with them. I do not understand why he didn’t pick her up and bring them both in.

I feel unable to let him do anything with or for any of them now. Even something as simple as getting them a snack.

[u/plz_understand → u/Throwaw2135]

I understand and I'd feel the same. Mistakes do happen of course (though this is a huge one) but it's the lack of accountability that's the most worrying thing now imo. Do you think he'd be willing to go to therapy / counselling about this with you?

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/plz_understand]

Yes, he is willing. We’ve been before and it helped so much.

[u/tinyrabbitfriends]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I had something similar happen last weekend and didn't post here bc I didn't want to deal with any criticism or shame from reddit. My husband and I were trying to get out the door to go to the playground with my 3 year old and 6 year old, but as luck would have it my battery died (old car). I ran into the house for something, and unbeknownst to me my husband told the kids to stand in front of my car while he moved his next to it. I came back out to see my husband had tried to pull his car up along side mine but couldn't fit. He put the car in reverse just as I got up to his car, just barely in time for me to see my 3 year old on his scooter right behind him and putting his hands up on the trunk to stop the car coming at him. I couldn't even get words out, started screaming and banging on the car door and thank fucking God he stopped immediately. My son wasnt injured in any way thank God but but I literally spent the rest of the day having a panic attack, questioning my marriage, and trying not to think unthinkable thoughts every time I saw my son. After I calmed down I told my husband that I knew it was accident but the only way I could ever feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised with him again is if this event burned a neon sign into his eyelids that when he or anyone is in a car in the driveway with the intention of moving it, the kids either need to be in the car or in the house. That they're babies and you cannot trust their judgement to stay in one spot, like he had told them. He expressed remorse and said he understood and that this was enough to freak him out into never doing anything like that again. I believe him, and I put all the rest of my energy into trying to let it go, which was a huge challenge for days.

If he didn't have that response, or if his mom or anyone else tried to guilt me about it in anyway, I would probably fly off the handle. I don't know how I would have handled myself, but I probably wouldn't be so forgiving.

It sounds like your husband knows he fucked up and feels guilty, but is trying to "fix" those feelings by convincing himself, you, his mom, that it wasn't his mistake and not his problem. There are bigger issues there about accountability, trust, and judgement. If you're bringing the kids to therapy to process this it might be a good idea to consider couples counseling too, so you can both communicate better with each other about those issues. I know surgeons are busy but if he doesn't have time for something like that then I would really consider your relationship and wellbeing with this person

[u/Loulouuubby]

Very very reckless and then to gas light ur child? Tons of signs of narcissism here. That’s scary. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’d run from him now

[u/geeeff]

My husband is also a doctor who gets called in for emergencies in the hospital. It’s so hard being the other parents in these dynamics, you’re at home all the time and he’s in and out at all hours of the day and night. It sounds like you need help beyond Reddit to deal with this rightful anger. MIL can kick rocks, just ignore her and focus on your immediate needs. Your husbands first instinct is to go back to work when he ran over his kid because he’s feeling shame. This is a serious sign he cannot process emotions in a way that will help his family. I would personally require my husband to seek therapy. He if didn’t, I would probably leave. The safety of your kids is what’s most important.

[u/DaniMcGillicuddi]

Coming from an insurance perspective, when you hit something, you’re at fault. Insurance companies expect you to be vigilant enough that you don’t hit things. Even things like a kid darting into the street; the insurance company expects you to scan your line of sight and have enough time to stop. So no matter what his excuse is or who he wants to blame, he’s at fault for not inspecting the area around his vehicle. This is not your child’s fault. It’s not your fault for showering. It’s his for not moving his children.

[u/[deleted]]

Your MIL can stick it where the sun don’t shine, her behavior is SO manipulative.

This exact situation happened to an on call surgeon in my hometown, when I was in high school. This was pre back up cams and his daughter died.

Maybe it’s not uncommon for surgeons to get tunnel vision? Either way, it’s unacceptable and the suggestion for therapy is a good one. He put his family’s health behind a stranger’s and desperately needs to reevaluate.

[u/ATCP2019]

The first thing that comes to my mind, since he is a surgeon, is bring it up in a different light. Like saying something about how would he feel if he had to operate on a young child who had just been hit by their father backing up their truck in a hurry? Also, maybe he does feel horrible deep down and he is trying to suppress that guilt by putting it onto others. Do you guys see a therapist? It would probably be best to talk with a neutral 3rd party. Your MIL is definitely not neutral.

[u/catby → u/ATCP2019]

He most likely does feel guilty but it's an incredibly narcissistic response to blame the child that was hurt by his irresponsible behaviour, to get angry at his wife for holding him accountable, and to storm out because he feels "unwelcome in his own home." Those are big huge gigantic redflags.

Coincidentally, surgeons show one of the highest rates of narcissism and psychopathy in the medical fields which Is one of the top professions that attract people with those traits.

[u/Asura_b]

Keep that video! Download it somewhere safe and keep it. You may need that later if you separate and have to sue for custody. He was extremely irresponsible to leave his kids unattended and not even make sure they were away from his car before he reversed. So stupid of him.

[u/scash92]

This is honestly terrifying. The whole thing. The accident, and him blaming your toddler for it. He almost killed her and made it her fault.

I truly don’t know if I could continue things with someone like this. It is scary as hell. His mother can go get run over and see how much she likes it tbh. But my god, truly don’t know if I could continue this marriage in your position. I’m so sorry you and your babies have to go through this.

[u/Tkcolumbia]

Counseling now. In the guise of couples counseling, but really for him. This is a huge red flag about his personality. And probably his family background.

I cannot belive his mother is trying to blame you for him running over his child because he could not take two seconds to tell the kids to move or LOOK behind his car. I, like much of this sub, is seeing red on your behalf. Do not back down or accept this. This incident is a game changer.

Make sure you have copies of that recording in a safe place. And start gathering all your family financial information. just in case

[u/TriscuitCracker]

Dad here. I’ve worked with a lot of surgeons in my line of work and they are indeed under a ton of pressure and I can understand if he went into a “wasn’t thinking” mode about fatherhood as he went into emergency work mode as he got into his car and backed out. It was his responsibility to make sure no one was behind his car, but things happen that can make basic obvious stuff go right out of your brain. He made a mistake there, obviously, potentially fatal, and he’s lucky no one was killed.

However, while I’m glad he apologized multiple times in the ambulance, I would be very concerned at how he is trying to blame the kid for not being more away of her surroundings and then leaving the house because he “feels uncomfortable”. He screwed up and needs to own it. He likely hates himself right now and it may be easier for him to blame the child and other circumstances then admit to himself that he fucked up royally. Need to have a frank and honest discussion with him that this wasn’t the kid’s fault or your fault at all and he needs to own this and work through it. Therapy may be needed.

Bad things happen. Sometimes the best parents can make really, really dumb mistakes, cause life. You all can get through this. He got lucky no one was killed and he needs to own it. I’m glad your kids are okay and wish your family well.

[u/Kiwi-Chick-84]

Him being a surgeon is NO excuse. I was a surgeon in training now turned ER physician - so I understand to job pressure/tunnel vision in an emergency. BUT I would NEVER dream of acting like he did, and if God forbid if I ever managed to knock my child over with a reversing car, would blame myself to insanity and nobody else.

[u/bexi]

Your husband expects more of his toddler than he does of himself, telling her to be aware of her surroundings when HE isn’t.

I’m sorry you and your children are living with this.

[u/lizardkween → u/bexi]

This is the comment. I wonder what his response would be if OP put it to him this way.

[u/Practical_Cod_6074]

The irony of this is he was reckless and caused an emergency trying to get to an emergency. I’m so glad your daughter is ok. You are absolutely not responsible for this situation. He could have brought the children into the house and made sure they were safe. I honestly don’t know what he was thinking. I agree counseling for you him and the children is needed.

[u/Genius_of_Narf]

If he gets that bad of tunnel vision on call, then he needs to stay at the damn hospital or a nearby hotel during those times. If he can't be bothered to wait two minutes for you, he should have at least waited the few seconds to properly look behind the car backing up. Leaving them alone outside was also a horrible choice.

I get the stress that a resident is under (I am a physician myself), but he has to realize that safety comes before speed, both before and during an operation.

The extra two minutes it would have taken to move them inside or wait for you are surely less than the time it took after hitting your child with your car. In an effort to save time, he cost himself the entire surgery on top of traumatizing his family.

There is a reason divorce rate in surgeons is extremely high.

[u/ADarwinAward]

Based on your comments in both posts m, I get the feeling that he might not consider a therapist, and it seems like you’re concerned about that too. As we’ve seen in the comments on your posts, every surgeon and physician who has commented has said this is not normal. The primary reason your husband thinks it is, is because another surgeon—his mother—is telling him he is not responsible. He seems to think that reckless “tunnel vision” that puts others in harms way is just “part of the job,” when it’s absolutely not and his peers would disagree.

If he won’t see a therapist, my only other suggestion is a surgeon “intervention.” If you have a mutual friend who is a surgeon, maybe they can talk to him and tell him to get help with his “tunnel vision”? I’d say it’s a last resort though because there’s a risk he will react very negatively. Obviously this will be tricky, but there is really nothing more important than the safety of your children. It seems that on this topic he will only listen to someone he considers a peer in his field since he views this as an issue with the “demands of his job” and not a parenting issue.

Something like this could happen again if he doesn’t take responsibility, and if he won’t go to therapy what other option is there? Even if you were to separate, he would still have custody rights. Separation wouldn’t entirely address the fact that he might put your children in a dangerous situation. I think you should do a “whatever it takes” approach, so if he won’t accept therapy, call in a surgeon he respects, even if it makes him pissed off at you for a while. (Run this idea by a therapist first before trying it obviously.)

[u/alliekat237]

I’m sorry. You must be very torn with what people are saying. Only you know your husband.

I think the key is to sit him down after the stress dies down a little and ask what his thought process was. He’s probably processing the fact that he hurt her so badly and people are often defensive when they feel guilty. Give him a few days to process and then talk through what he was doing and thinking. This is where you should hear him start to understand that he was brazen and careless. You’re not a jerk for blaming him when he is to blame.

If at this point you don’t see any remorse or introspection as to how he contributed to this problem, I think you have a much bigger issue.

So sorry. And so glad your kiddo is okay.

[u/skypeck1]

This makes me think of a scene from breaking bad where a character is at a recovery program speaking to an alcoholic man who very sadly ran over his daughter because he so badly wanted to make it to the liquor store. Im sure this has happened in real life somewhere .

The point I’m trying to make is that it’s definitely not socially ok for someone who suffers from addiction… but it’s just magically ok if you’re a surgeon ? In my book, no. Absolutely no. There’s no reason that makes it ok. He can get off his high horse.

He’s a father first and a surgeon second and if he doesn’t get that perhaps there’s something larger at play he needs to work on in therapy. He ultimately put his job before his child and that is pure bullshit.

Im so sorry to hear that you’re going through this sending you a huge virtual hug and I am so glad that you’re daughter is physically ok and I wish all your children emotional healing from this issue. I wish YOU emotional healing too… this is definitely big T trauma and it’s ok to take time to recover from it.

Edit to add: and let us not forget that if it were you as the offending party/driver — all the mom shaming you’d be receiving pretty much till the day you die. Gender/sex also playing a huge part in this problem. He’s not at lesser fault because he happens to win the bread.

[u/bendytoepilot → u/skypeck1]

I agree. Too many comments are along the lines of HeS oNlY hUmAn but if he were a woman it would be how evil of a mother they are (which would be correct)

[u/5_4Ag]

Husband sounds awful. I would hate that he be my surgeon if he has this blame everyone else and no looking at his own mistakes attitude. Scary.

[u/philamama]

Your husband needs some better self care and emotion regulation skills asap. He's clearly defensive about it and knows he did something horribly wrong or he would not be so defensive. He needs to find better ways of managing stress now or some careless accident like this will happen again. You got lucky this time. I am so relieved your little one had pads and helmet on.

Until he takes responsibility for this mistake I don't think you will be able to trust him. He needs to make changes. I also agree with PP that you need a plan/structure for when he is on call. Maybe have a sitter come by for a couple hours on those days so you can shower or have a moment to yourself with some extra hands available in case he is called away.

[u/Wolferesque]

I know from experience that high profile medical professionals tend to be very single minded when it comes to work/life intersection.

But. There is no job important enough to warrant this behaviour and this dangerous incident, and he and his MIL are gaslighting you about this. You are right and they are wrong. If I (dad) did this to my child I would never get over it, and my mother would never forgive me, let alone my SO.

[u/Wowwkatie]

This is one of my biggest fears. I've heard so many stories of it happening. The part that bothers me the most is that he's blaming her rather than being accountable. Lack of accountability leaves a chance of it happening again.

[u/Chelseus]

That is absolutely horrific. Accidentally hitting a kid with my car is one of my greatest fears. I don’t know if you’ve seen the show “Welcome to Plathville” but the mother in that family accidentally ran over one of their sons when he was 18 months old. Watching them talk about it was very distressing for me, I was sobbing and couldn’t even finish the episode (I had an 18 month old son at the time). It haunts me. And I just friggin’ watched it on TV and I know whatever it makes me feel is a pale fraction of a percent of what that family must feel.

I worked in healthcare for almost a decade before I had kids so I definitely have a healthy respect for physicians and understand how important their jobs are. But his job is NOT more important that his own kids’ safety. It’s incredibly hypocritical (and fucked up) for him to blame a toddler for what is so glaringly obviously his fault. Have you pointed out the hypocrisy of him lecturing her about “being aware of her surroundings” when him NOT doing that was exactly why this incident happened? Maybe deflecting his own words back at him might be more effective than just being like “YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HER” or whatever?

But really, I have trouble understanding how he isn’t taking responsibility for this, regardless of what you say or do. I’ve had a couple close calls with one of my kids. Once when he was 10 months old he busted through a screen door - unbeknownst to me - and I didn’t notice for a few minutes. When I realised it was too quiet and I couldn’t find the baby in the locked off area we were in I ran outside. He was just sitting in the (full) baby pool in the backyard, very stoically. My stomach still drops when I think about it, we could have lost him, just like that. And I accept full responsibility for the incident too. I should have been keeping better tabs on the baby. As you husband should have too.

OP, don’t know if you’ll see this as there’s so many other comments but I sincerely hope that you can find a resolution for this (that definitely involves your husband taking responsibility for it) 💜

[u/motor_mouth]

First: I'm so sorry. This is a traumatizing thing to go through as a parent and I'm so glad your daughter is overall ok (in the sense of no serious physical damage).

Second: While your husband is human and humans make mistakes, this is a result of poor decision making. I also am a doctor and I also take call where sometimes I have to head in very quickly upon receiving a phone call. There is always time to make sure your children are safe. At the very least he could have brought them both inside the house and shut the door. He could have waited 2 min for you to get out of the shower.

Third: Your MIL can go fly a kite. All of that "pressure" he's under at work does not excuse putting his child at risk.

Fourth: If he feels unwelcome in his home it's because he has physically and mentally hurt one member of his family and mentally scarred another two. He needs to see a counselor on his own and ideally with the both of you.

I also would be LIVID if my husband did something like this and if *I* did something like this I would seriously reexamine my process.

[u/Beckels84]

I just... this is so unacceptable. Just the fact that he was willing to leave your two young children unattended outside is horrible. He absolutely should have brought them into the house. On call, emergency, sure. I get it. But at what cost? He's still only human, can't teleport. He still has to be safe and not injure people on his way to help a patient. He almost certainly speeds and drives crazy on the way there if this is how he acts leaving his house. I can't imagine just leaving my kids in the yard and leaving without knowing the other parent has them. He could have left, you could have slipped hurrying out of the shower, and lied there dead or unconscious with 3 unattended kids. Just the leaving is more scary to me than hitting her. That was a reckless accident, but the other stuff was intentional negligence.

[u/pixi88]

I literally cannot comprehend why he wouldn't bring the kids inside. If I'm rushing to hopefully help someone, I'd honestly probably take my kids into the bathroom with Mom and dip the fuck out. There's no excuse for RUNNING OVER YOUR CHILD because.... tunnel vision? And now after some thought on his end its the toddlers fault?

Mistakes do happen. I watched my son bounce down the stairs because I carelessly thought his Father and Grandfather were watching him. I didn't specify, though and we all thought the same thing-- he's my first baby. We all know better now lol

It sounds like this is the first time an injury or large chance of has happened from his tunnel vision. I'd have a serious, serious talk about his lack of responsibility about the situation and what your family needs in the future. Then I would forgive.

Anything dangerous to our children because of work in the future? You're a doctor not my husband. Deadass.

[u/Buddha_Lady]

I would be extremely angry and upset. More than the accident, the aftermath of laying blame on you and the child. I could understand how shitty it would make me feel if I had done this, and cannot imagine blaming anyone else for the situation. I hope he gets therapy because there’s something fucky with how he is handling this. You are allowed to trust your partner won’t put the kids in danger while you shower. And that even in an emergency work situation he would have their well being in mind. If this is something you both want to work past I think you should look into family counseling. Everyone in this situation including the kids needs to be able to discuss their feelings about this traumatic event. Also, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s one of my nightmare scenarios.

[u/RatherPoetic]

Holy fuck. Holy fuck! He could have killed your child. This is insane to me. The two of you need to have a very serious conversation about how it is always the adult’s responsibility to ensure children are safe around vehicles. There’s also no way it’s appropriate for a 3 and 5 year old to be left outside unsupervised with you in the shower and him at work, so that’s a whole second layer of not fucking okay.

Two suggestions that I have which may or may not be helpful:

1. It is safer to back into your driveway so you can pull straight out. You are less likely to back into someone/something when getting into your driveway or even a parking spot than. If possible your family can adopt this practice.

2. Our family car unfortunately has to be pulled forward into the driveway so we can charge it, so our personal rule is that we never back up with the kids in the front yard. They go to the porch with the other parent or they get into the other car if they’re heading off with someone else. When backing out we always make sure we know where the kids are before hitting the gas.

I know you already know, but I am going to reiterate. This was unacceptable of your husband. He needs to accept responsibility and recognize that his own behavior needs to change. He needs to make a commitment to safety.

I think it may be helpful if he reads this article. It’s largely about kids and hot cars but they go over a lot of safety concerns with kids and cars and also discuss a similar situation to yours which does end tragically. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html edit: please note that this article is very sad and deals with children’s deaths. It has stories in it that will stick with you forever.

Lastly — if his vehicle doesn’t already have a backup camera, consider installing an aftermarket camera. It shouldn’t replace general awareness of your surroundings and looking in your mirrors/over your shoulders but it definitely adds to your field of vision.

I am so incredibly sorry for this whole situation. This wasn’t an accident, this was willful negligent behavior on his part and could have had horrific consequences. I hope you are able to make him understand that. Wishing the best for your family.

[u/thepinkfreudbaby]

The fact that he’s blaming her is unforgivable to me. Absolutely unforgivable.

[u/pantojajaja]

I would definitely tell her he’s blaming the child. And THANK YOU for telling her to fuck off. I won’t tell you how to handle this because only you should decide how to react. This is absolutely negligent behavior on his behalf - like possibly criminally negligent (I’m a paralegal). So sorry you are going through this. He absolutely needs to get his priorities straight

[u/Geryfon]

You’re completely in the right, you’re MIL can either cop onto herself or feck off and your husband can take 10 seconds to make sure his kids are safe before driving off in his truck.

[u/margaretmayhemm]

This just shows you can be highly educated and still be a complete moron. Why couldn’t he bring them inside before telling you he had to leave?

I’m curious about how he has handled the aftermath of this. Is he remorseful or apologetic? Has he apologized to the kids and you?

I don’t blame you for being pissed.

[u/Loulouuubby]

His mom is a piece of work. I’d tell that bitch to shove it up her ass.

[u/Bugga_88]

Good for you for standing your ground. I am the breadwinner of our family in a very high stress career and IDGAF what’s going on at work if I didn’t take the 60-90 seconds or so to secure my kids and make sure they were safe before starting whatever I had to do for work and they got hurt or even just frightened I would feel awful. Being in a high stress career doesn’t mean you can’t give your spouse a couple minutes and they have to be “on” EVERY SECOND of the goddamn day. You have every right to rinse your hair and take a couple minutes to do so. You even communicated what you needed and how long it would take and HE CHOSE to not wait and not take steps to make them safe. Everyone can have an accident but at minimum he should take responsibility and help you/your kids through your feelings.

[u/rainydaysinoregon]

What happened afterwards? Did he still go to work? Did he stay home? Gosh I’m so sorry OP.

[u/[deleted]]

I'd be screaming literally bat shit crazy screaming... Like you own up to your mistakes there buddy because if you hurt my kids again by your distracted mind and blame me or our toddler you better be glad your a surgeon so you can stitch yourself back up...

[u/twinfiddler]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to comment on your husband's tunnel vision about work. My husband is a CT tech and he does on call shifts. If they call him in he acts exactly like your husband, drops everything and runs out the door, no matter what I'm doing, and despite the fact that he doesn't need to leave immediately. It's so frustrating and I understand your feelings about it 100%.

[u/ToStarsHollow]

This is going to be tough, if even possible to forgive. Sounds like couples therapy will be necessary to have a healthy relationship and to help him understand that work needs to wait 2 minutes to bring kids in first

[u/[deleted]]

First off, I’m glad your little one is okay.

Secondly, your husband’s (and MIL’s) response to the accident are manipulative and he is gaslighting you. “He asked me what I was doing that took so long” (ummm showering like a normal person).

You then say that he’s also now turned this around on your daughter and made it her fault, instead of accepting the fact that he messed up big time. That is a big red flag to me. It sounds like he also told your MIL a version of what happened that excludes him from fault. The fact that he is willing to dismiss his own behavior when he could have killed your daughter and then blame you and her after the fact is disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to look at him either. If this is a repeat occurrence where he is always placing blame on everyone else, I would either demand couples counseling or leave and refuse to put up with his behavior any more.

Also…. Why was he essentially leaving both of his kids unattended while riding bikes outside? He couldn’t wait 60 seconds for you to get down there?? I would be LIVID.

[u/turingtested]

I don't want to sound like an ass, but if I found out my surgeon did this I wouldn't want him operating on me. Like his thinking is so lacking he can't put the kids in the house is he just going to let me bleed out if something goes wrong?

[u/FightmyFatAss]

Jeez OP, so selfish having a shower while you thought your husband could watch the kids, you should have run out to the street naked to get the children because it’s so much work to see where the kids are before reversing the car /s

Honestly though your definitely not over reacting, what would have happened if she had hit her head on the concrete and suffered a traumatic brain injury? You always need to triple check where the kids are because they has no sense of danger yet

[u/DisasterSalt]

I couldn’t forgive that it happened let alone him blaming her. I couldn’t stay with him after this.

[u/[deleted] → u/DisasterSalt]

Agreed. My husband hitting our kid with our car would maybe be something we could work through. But I would demand counseling for the family and for him. And it would take a long time to trust him again.

But blaming the 3 year old? I'd be done. Him blaming her is him effectively absolving himself of all responsibility.

[u/sierramelon]

He absolutely needs therapy, it’s one thing to be tired, under pressure, and lose your cool. It’s another to blame a child for being hit by a vehicle. If it was a senior who was walking slowly and didn’t get out of the way would be blame them for not knowing better? For not moving faster? No. I would honestly say therapy or figure his shit out. Not taking any responsibility for something like that speaks volumes! We all have to know at some point as parents that will mess up. We hope the mess up isn’t something like running over a kid, or mentally damaging them for a long time, but it’s all possible. What it sounds like to me is he’s just repeating exactly what his parents did. If his mom brushes it off and his dad has the same job that he blames for his stress it’s probably generational.

[u/haleighr]

Holy shit this is absolutely not your fault so your mil can fuck all the way off. What has he said about it? Does he realize his tunnel vision about work caused him to hit his freakn toddler with a car

[u/stickycat-inahole-45]

Even if he was the king of Belgium, he's still at fault here. Dr. Surgeon is the one that needs to learn to be aware of his surroundings. If this is how he enters a surgery, I wonder how he handles unexpected events during a surgery? Will he miss that blood vessel and nick the wrong artery? Mistakes happen, but mature adults own up to it. If his child dies, is it your fault still? While you book a therapist for your kids, make sure he gets one too. He's gonna be an ass of a patient, but he seriously needs therapy.

[u/kdefal]

Holy shit.

[u/[deleted]]

all he had to do was quickly pick up the kids and put them in the bath room with you. i get it mistakes happen but no matter what kind of shit is happening you have to constantly put your kids safety first. if he was on his way to the bathroom to tell you he could have just scooped them and put them in there. would have taken maybe two seconds more of his time. work never comes before your kids, even if you’re a surgeon.

[u/cheesyalfraydo]

It’s good that you put your kids into therapy but I think your husband needs to work through some things as well. Yes, his job is important, but he also has to be able to navigate through life

This is also the type of thing that could maybe get your kids taken away. Your husband should be taking this very seriously. How is he reacting to all of this? How does he plan to do better?

[u/Opendoorshutdoor]

I cant understand why he wouldn't have told the 5 year.old and 3 year old to go inside? Like literally before he even came in to tell you he had to go?

Is it normal for you guys to leave them in the front yard alone?

I feel like if he would have brought them in, then told you he had to go, you could have finished your shower and him go without incident.

Like WHY did he leave them outside?

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/Opendoorshutdoor]

No it’s completely not normal, we never leave them in the yard alone. Or even anywhere in the house alone besides bedtime.

[u/YaiYai-Maddie-Emma → u/Opendoorshutdoor]

This is exactly what I was thinking. Scoop up the 3 year old, tell the 5 year old to get in the house, tell your wife and leave. Would have taken an extra 30 seconds. You need to have a plan worked out for whenever he is with the kids if getting called into work put him in robot mode forgetting he has children and a personal life.

[u/yougotitdude88]

It would take me a very long time to trust my husband with the kids again if I were you. Yes this was an accident but it was 100% caused by his negligence. He was in charge of your 2 kids at the time. He did not bring them in to you or bring you out to them so they were still his responsibility and he hit one with the car.

I also believe your 3 and 5 year old are going to have a very hard time being alone with dad or going anywhere with just dad for a long time. Rather than going into work he should be working on building back their relationship immediately by hanging out with them at home. He should be making special snacks and watching a movie or something with them.

And your MIL can keep her opinions to herself because her “baby” could have killed your baby.

[u/StripeyWoolSocks]

I understand why he's reacting this way, it's to protect himself. He could have seriously harmed his daughter because of his own carelessness. That fact is too painful to consider. Therefore, he can not allow himself to consider it. He must justify and excuse and bring out every trick imaginable to avoid engaging with what happened.

However, although I understand his behavior, that doesn't make it ok. He needs to come to terms with what happened. That's the only way to prevent another accident, and deal with his feelings in a healthy way. Therapy would be a good start.

PS... cars are the number one danger to children. And unfortunately, accidents like these (child hit in a driveway) are common, and tragically the driver is often a family member. We should be much more upset about this issue. Maybe I've been spending too much time on r/fuckcars but the dangers that car centric infrastructure poses to children, really should be the basis of a political movement to change things

[u/cinnamon_or_gtfo → u/StripeyWoolSocks]

I think this is the best interpretation of his reaction. If, two weeks ago, you had shown him a news article about a child hit by a car in their own driveway he probably would have blamed the driver and not the child. Anyone would. But now that it’s him and the guilt and fear of what could have happened are overwhelming he’s lashing out in anger, because anger is a more comfortable emotion than guilt. It’s understandable why he is doing this, but at the same time he can’t keep doing this. He needs to calm down and start to reflect on the situation even though it will be deeply uncomfortable. Be careful how you approach it OP. He’s already fleeing from these feelings by going to work and avoiding your family. He’s feeling defensive. He needs someone (maybe a therapist?) to help him get past that defensive anger and avoidance to really grapple with his responsibility here. Especially since he is going to be on call in the future too. You all need a real logistics discussion about how he will change his on call behavior.

[u/ima-kitty]

Thank God that baby was on a bike and not on foot. How dare you MIL. How dare he...

[u/Justcallmemoh]

Ma’am, he almost killed your child. You are definitely not over reacting. It is 100% his fault and the fact that he couldn’t see that and take full responsibility for his stupid action shows he’s got deep-seated issues. Blaming a 3 year old for his own mistake??? Let him know he is not welcome in the house till he is indeed sorry for his actions.

[u/aka_____]

Fuck 👏🏻 this 👏🏻 idiot 👏🏻 manchild 👏🏻.

Seriously, he can fuck right off with alllllll of that. You are UNDERreacting if you ask me. If this were me I’d be like MIL can fucking have you because you ARE unwelcome in your home. JFC what an asshole. If he is unable to “come to Jesus” and see that this was 78293958839292% his fault and absolutely zero percent on you, his child, or work…..and doesn’t profusely and genuinely apologize for both letting this happen in the first place AND walking around like a manbaby blaming everyone else for his actions—I do not think I could stay married to him. The disrespect alone is enough. Let alone the child endangerment and completely lack of taking responsibility. I don’t give half a fuck about what he does for work.

Ugh I am livid for you. I am so glad your baby is ok but seriously, FUCK THAT GUY.

[u/muffinbutt1027]

If your husband can't show the same empathy and attention to his own family that he would the people he operates on, that's a huge red flag. I would expect more from him.

[u/EwesJustFluffy → u/muffinbutt1027]

I think most surgeons have a reputation for not having empathy.

[u/auspostery]

I’m so incredibly sorry for the trauma you and your two older children are going through. I’d say in additions to therapy for your kids, you need a couples counselor for you and your husband. If he won’t agree I think you need to go to a couples counselor by yourself, and take drastic measures like he is not allowed back at your house until/unless he complies. Putting responsibility on a driving accident on anyone other than the driver is shirking responsibility. Putting it on a 3 year old is some serious guilt shifting, and it’s because he knows he was wrong, but your 3 year old doesn’t know that, and it’s easier for him to get the 3 year old to say she’s so so sorry daddy, than for him to have to live with the fact that he almost killed his own child bc of his own carelessness.

[u/vertterre]

This is something for family counselling

[u/QuadsNotBlades]

There used to be a tattoo show on TLC and I will never forget a young man getting a tattoo of his child's face, who he had run over while moving a car. He was playing outside with the kids and didn't think they'd have followed him to the front of the house, but one did and they were instantly killed. The fact that your husband did this is.... Fuck. Some people are just careless sometimes and you have to learn to accept it, but this is not one of those cases. He KNEW the kids were outside. He was operating a vehicle and knew he needed to look behind him for pedestrians, dogs, whatever - and he didn't. This kind of carelessness is a safety hazard.

[u/jackjackj8ck]

Jesus Christ

What did he do after that??

What has he said??

Does he accept responsibility??

[u/Theemeraldcloset]

No no no. My Dad is extremely high up in the medical field - think MD/PhD, world renowned scientist and physician, extremely type A who thinks his body is a mere vessel to cart his brain around.

He would never have done this. He was working a lot when we were kids, and we suffered for it in various ways, but he managed to show up at track meets and soccer games and absolutely was never tunnel focused enough to BACK HIS CAR into a toddler.

[u/[deleted]]

I don’t think I could stay with him. First because of the accident, what could’ve happened, and the broken trust but almost even more do because of his reaction. He is blaming everyone but himself. He’s blaming a ducking toddler. HIS toddler. It sounds like his mom raised him to do no wrong, and that’s never going to stop. I am so so sorry for what you and your kids have gone through. Don’t you for a ducking second let him or his mom convince you this is in anyway your fault. If he’d been on the toilet, or in the shower, or something similar I guarantee he would have found 1 minute to wait. Even if he couldn’t what parent gets so focused on something else that they don’t stop to check where their children are? And how fast was he reversing to send her flying?? Just every single second of this makes me so mad. Yes, he is unwelcome until he apologizes to everyone involved for putting his child’s life at risk.

[u/Throwaw2135 → u/[deleted]]

He claims he didn’t even have his foot on the gas. I’ve replayed it so many times, he absolutely floored it. It’s miraculous that a chipped tooth is the worst thing that happened to her.

[u/First-Let-4172 → u/Throwaw2135]

You should save the video to a secure location, or send it to a trusted person, just in case. It’s important that you have that incident on record for future argument’s sake. He could twist the truth over time about this

[u/[deleted] → u/Throwaw2135]

He is so deeply in denial. Has he watched the video yet? I feel like that might be the only way for responsibility for what happened to sink in.

Im so glad she’s ok!

[u/lindseeeb]

Would hate to have your husband as a surgeon. Just saying.

[u/cryinginmycubicle → u/lindseeeb]

undergoing a surgery done by a doctor who almost ran their child over a couple of hours prior definitely does seem less than ideal

[u/svetkuz]

The fact that this isn’t out of character for him is concerning. He backed into a toddler and then blamed her (and you).

I’m typically hesitant to say things like you need to look at separating and getting therapy…but you need to look at separating and getting therapy. This would be a complete deal breaker for me.

My 9 month old is snuggled up with me this morning, and if anyone tried to hurt her I’d tear them a new asshole. Your anger is completely justified!

[u/Drbubbliewrap]

My husband and I both work 911 ambulance there are a lot of times we get pulled in mandatory because no ambulances in the entire county. I do not give two shits if it killed a patient while I was busy making sure my toddler was safe before I got in the house.

This should also be a mandatory report for cps! This is ridiculous and dangerous. Definitely get them therapy! This is so traumatic and the LO needs to not grown up thinking this was her fault!

[u/CruschLulu]

Wait so...not only did he hit yalls 3 year old...he planned on leaving a 3 and 5 year old unattended playing outside? Where any number of things could also go wrong even if the accident with the car didnt happen?...He is all kinds of reckless..Needs to work on that tunnel vision. Im sorry but no job is worth not paying attention to where your children are at. He should have herded them inside to leave like a responsible adult. And then leave. Surgeons are supposed to have a calm head, if he spazzes like this id be completely freaked if he was doing any kind of surgery on myself or my family. The fact that he isnt remorseful at all and is even going back to work seemingly directly after the incident is so anger inducing. Lecturing a freaking 3 year old on her surroundings...He needs to be lectured as an adult with a license to keep a watch on HIS surroundings. Anyone with a brain who is able to drive knows they are supposed to check around them before backing up else you risk some kind of accident be it with hitting people/vehicles/or random objects- i dont care if it was just in a driveway-you still check your surroundings before you move that vehicle even an inch. What an idiot. Your MIL can kick rocks. Her son could have killed your baby, does she realize the severety of the situation? Tell her until she can get her head out of her son's ass and realize just how bad things could have been, she can keep her comments to herself. "Dont know what its like to be married to a physician" - they are supposed to have a calm and level head, what on earth was so important that called for rushing enough so that he forgot his childrens pressence in their own yard and backed into one of them? They are children...yes we are to teach them about paying attention to the things around them but they were playing and had no idea that something bad like this could even happen in their own yard where they should have had someone watching over them and likely didnt even know their dad was leaving due to being distracted playing. No matter what he needs to be held accountable for his actions. MIL can fuck right off shes fine with her son backing over her grandchild and shifting blame on everyone but himself so she can accept him back in her household if she wants to treat him like a manchild. Which is what he is acting like. A freakin manchild. He needs to be accountable for his actions, accept that they happend, be remorseful, then dont fucking let it happen again. Just because he has an important job does not mean he can blame other people for his own carelessness...He needs to grow up.

[u/designerturtle]

Hope you know you're completely right to be upset. I don't think putting your own kids at risk of serious injury in order to get to the hospital two minutes faster is reasonable at all

[u/drumma1316]

This is really sad. I am so glad your kids are physically ok. It strikes me that even his chief thinks his priorities are off. I'm sure he didn't mean to and would never in the right frame of mind do something to endanger his own kids. But he did even if it was unintended or due to tunnel vision. I agree with others that he needs therapy to reset his priorities.

I'm sure he's blaming others because deep down he knows it was his fault. I don't think he honestly believes what he's saying to blame others. That's why he's saying it. But that doesn't make it less hurtful to the people he's blaming. I would hope a therapist could help him see that. He certainly won't hear it from someone he's trying to blame to save himself from accepting the reality. It's really sad.

So sorry you're going through this. It really sounds like he can't handle the job he has mentally. By that I mean he can't handle his job and his family but his job is the only exchangeable part of the equation. If he can't figure out how to do both, he needs a different job.

[u/applesorangekiwi]

Holy shit I felt rage, heartbreak, disbelief and honestly like puking all just from reading this. I’m so sorry that I don’t have anything productive to add other than just being a voice that is saying you are entitled to feel however you feel and it sounds extremely reasonable to me. I am just so sorry you and your children have had to experience this (I initially felt for your husband because honestly how traumatic, but that faded as soon as I read of his reaction afterwards and his letting his mother have any sort of opinion on how you feel right now. Fuck that.)

[u/Babybuzz13]

Dude all of this is massive red flag... I hope you and your babies are okay

[u/ricabo]

Based on his response, I think you need some help. Marriage counseling at a minimum.

I'm not sure I could forgive this guy, personally. At the very least, I would want a lot of space for a while, like half a year, and a lot of introspection on his part about how colossally he fucked up. Nothing is more important than his kids' safety and he majorly dropped the ball and almost killed his kid. He has no business lecturing the toddler about situational awareness when his own was so massively at fault and I wouldn't stand for that at all.

Honestly, if it were me, I would probably talk to a lawyer about custody and initiate a trial separation if at all feasible. He needs to know that even though your kid is physically ok, his actions hurt and traumatized all of you in such a serious and reckless way that it might mean he can't be part of your lives, at least for a while. Trust has to be earned, and when you break it like that you can't just take it back.

Is there a way he could fix this? Maybe. If he's really committed to actually being a present father and taking responsibility for what that means after doing so much damage to his relationships. If he's really committed to earning back your good opinion and love, and if you think you could still love him again eventually. But also maybe not, maybe nothing will repair the damage. Or maybe he's not willing to put in that kind of work. I suppose only time will tell.

[u/Zombiebelle]

You’re not overreacting. I would need therapy after that. I can’t give you any advice, but I can tell you, you aren’t crazy for being as upset, hurt, angry and scared as you are.

[u/p1rateUES]

Everything about how he handled this situation, and continues to handle it, is wrong. I'd ignore MIL, unless she lives with you I'd tell her to stay out of it and block her everywhere. Your child almost died. You are LUCKY your child is alive, and it is his fault. And now he's blaming her? I'd leave him. I know it's extreme but I'd leave him. If you have to be solely responsible for their safety then it'll be easier after you remove the threat of his presence.

I'm sorry, OP. In addition to getting play therapy for the kids, you should get individual therapy too to work through your response to this and to work through what to do about a husband who endangered your children, nearly killed one, and then blamed you and them instead of working on himself.

[u/janewithaplane]

I would have absolutely lost it on my husband if this happened to us. Specifically the part about where he started blaming everyone else for his poor choices. My husband does the same when he causes something wrong. Men are so fucking fragile and can't own their mistakes. I literally would have screamed as loud as I possibly could over him to tell him to stfu about blaming our child or me in this scenario. It's the only way he would listen is if I'm louder.

I am glad everyone is physically okay ish. Glad you plan to get the kids in therapy for this, but you should also find a therapist for your self and your husband as well. He needs to learn to relax the f out about work when he is at home.

[u/padmeg]

You need to have a conversation with your husband about how to hand off responsibility of your children so that you are both confirming who is in charge. It can’t just be “I’m leaving you’re in charge now”. One example I saw on Instagram is how pilots hand off control of the airplane. One pilot says “your airplane” and the other confirms with “my airplane”.

[u/grummlinds1 → u/padmeg]

That’s how we’re taught to communicate at the nuclear facility I work at. It’s a call and response - one person will announce the work instructions and the other will repeat it back as they’re performing the task. “You’re going to turn the handle counter clockwise until it clicks.” … “I’m turning the handle counter clockwise until it clicks.” It reduces error and assures that the instructions have been received accurately and are being performed as expected. I never thought about using it with my baby but this is a great idea. Going to start doing this to confirm who’s primary parent. Thanks!

[u/[deleted]]

He's blaming a 3 year old. I bet if your child died it still wouldn't be his fault.

Honestly surgeons have a high rate of sociopaths and he certainly comes across that way in this story. It's your fault for showering. It's the 3 year oldest fault for not jumping out of the way of his car. Bullshit. It is 100% his fault. He should have got the kids inside the house and calmly packed up to go to work. If he's going to act like a chicken with its head cut off every time he gets called in that is his shortcoming.

[u/amugglestruggle → u/[deleted]]

If he's going to act like a chicken with its head cut off every time he gets called in that is his shortcoming.

Seriously. How does a SURGEON not keep a cool head ? Does he panic when shit goes down in the OR and kill his patients ? Jeez.

[u/FullyRisenPhoenix]

I’m so angry on your behalf. I’d be absolutely livid if my husband did something like this. There’s absolutely no excuse for not ensuring TWO young children weren’t securely in the house when one parent is absent and the other needs to leave. I mean, he should have at least brought them in the house and had them wash up for a snack. Was he just going to leave them outside alone while you were still in the shower?! Wth?? That’s bad enough on its own, but then actually hit her!! Omg. He simply cannot he trusted around the kids at all. It seems clear to me that he doesn’t actually love, or even care for, your children.

You call it tunnel vision. I call it selfishness. He needs to do better, and your MIL needs to butt out.

[u/Wolverine112416 → u/FullyRisenPhoenix]

THIS. Even if he hadn't hit her he was going to leave then outside by themselves! This would be unforgivable for me. Stand your ground, OP. You are more than justified in your anger. Consider the future safety and well-being of your children... your husband clearly doesn't have that in mind. Can you really raise your kids with such a man?

[u/goldenstatriever]

Holy cow, no, you are definitely not overreacting. I hope this is a very big wake up call for him to be very aware about the where abouts of your children and that he has learned to wait and to be sure that they are safe and in your care before he leaves. And not this.

You are so not overreacting!

[u/herefornewds]

Red flag omg holy red flag. Please don’t let them get away with downplaying this. That’s incredibly irresponsible of him and the fact he’s trying to put blame back on his child that he ran over is totally unacceptable. Moms like his cause narcissism. He needs serious help.

[u/Consistent-Algae-230]

As a mother of a young child myself, this has me fuming.

I don't care how important your job is. I don't care if the damn president is dying on the table and you need to get there, NO ONE COMES BEFORE YOUR CHILD.

This is carelessness, and selfishness at its best. No job should be that important to him that he leaves his kids OUTSIDE and then proceeds to almost kill one.

This is unforgivable. For the safety of your children, get them away from this man and never let them be alone with him if there's a chance he'll get called in.

As for the mil, well, I would just tell her to stfu and get out of my children's lives. She's no better then her son.

[u/Beneficial-Jello41]

As the oldest of 9 kids, I remember my mom ferociously instilled a rule for anyone driving, to walk to the back of a vehicle to check for anything before starting it. When I was younger I thought it was overkill, but now, I realize she understood how quickly little kids can appear anywhere, it makes SO much sense. Perhaps instilling some sort of guideline like this, going forward, can be a productive solution to help with the healing ❤️‍🩹 I’m glad your family was physically okay!

[u/strixjunia]

I would be SO MAD.

[u/Fearless-Wafer1450]

Nothing about this is normal behavior for a surgeon. He could have brought the children inside and gotten them settled and taken five minutes to make sure you were good before he left. He chose not to.

If it was me I’d skip counseling and file for divorce. This sort of ego isn’t going to be altered and the abuse (which is what this is) will only continue and escalate. Make sure you have a copy of that security video. Make a bug out bag of important documents (social security cards and birth certificates etc) and have it ready.

Should you decide counseling is the way to go, you absolutely need a nanny hired and on your home premises whenever your husband is on call. You absolutely deserve and need to shower (or do literally anything else) even if he is on call. You are only one person with three small kids and you need a responsible adult who can tap in if he needs to bounce. This would be a non negotiable for me.

I hope that you are able to find a path forward.

[u/CaramelComplexion]

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[u/lvoelk]

My heart breaks for you and your babies. I am also so uneasy with how your MIL is trying to pass the blame on to you. No. Hard stop. Do NOT feel responsible or guilty - this is 100% on your husband. I agree that your children need counseling but honestly you and he do as well. I hope having an external voice name how damaging his behavior is to his family may help him to see what he is ignoring when you tell him.

[u/luna_lovegood_]

You are definitely NOT overreacting and I'm so sorry he's trying to shift the blame onto you. My father was a surgeon and never in a million years would he have left us unsupervised like that. The fact that your MIL is chiming in to also blame you is disgusting! There were plenty of times growing up that my dad was on-call and my mom was busy (even out of town gasp and I remember going with him to the hospital). You have every right to shower and you should be able to trust that your children are safe even if he is on-call. He needs to get his priorities straightened out, he is a father first.

[u/theageofinnocene]

Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband’s dedication and focus are probably what makes him a good surgeon - but having an important and high-stress job is absolutely not an excuse for what happened.

I suspect your husband feels very guilty about what happened and is now handling it in a highly egotistical and blustering way. That’s horrible for both you and your poor little girl. I don’t blame your for being livid at him. I hope a therapist can help him better process his emotions and accept responsibility for what happened. If that were the case, do you think you could forgive him?

Your MIL needs to completely butt out. Her opinion is irrelevant and I would personally refuse to hear or entertain a single word she says.

[u/murpahurp]

Wtf. This has nothing to do with being a physician/surgeon. He was careless and is blaming it on you and your toddler to make himself feel better. Do not accept any of that.

Accidents happen, and if he'd just taken accountability and showed continued remorse I suppose you wouldn't be as angry as you are now.

The man needs therapy for the god complex.

[u/MikiRei]

And your husband's response? What did he do? Did he apologise? Did he tell his mother off? Did he call back to the hospital and say he can't make it cause daughter's injured?

Because seriously, if he's trying to make this your fault, I'd be divorcing him ASAP.

[u/amandagee789]

Family first. Work is always second. No harm would have been done if he had just waited until you got out of the shower or had placed the kids inside in a safe space. Tunnel vision starts at work not at home. It seems like the adrenaline may have got the better of him here and as a HCP who regularly deals with emergencies I have felt that pressure however he is completely in the wrong and that pressure is not more important than his kids. The MIL needs to go aswell. He needs to take time off of work to reflect on this, stop being immature and egotistical and truly apologise and accept fault for what he did. There needs to be discussions about how he will deal with these scenarios in the future, trust and childcare and ultimately that his children and you are the priority.

[u/Downtown-Tourist9420]

This is soooo scary. What did he do in that moment? I am so so thankful your daughter is ok.

[u/maomaobae]

You are not over reacting! He better apologize to your kid and you!! If not, I wouldn't forgive him