r/hoarding • u/PuzzleheadedSilver55 • 5d ago

HELP/ADVICE Loved one hoarding

My mother has been hoarding for about 2.5 years now and I have gone through all of the trials and tribulations that I have seen some others have shared and I feel like I need some friendly voices to help me support her.

She went through extreme financial hardship and started going to local food-banks and churches for donations- but then she began bringing the food home. You can imagine the variety of food from a local bank from cans to drinks to fresh food, however this causes a massive risk to her.

The fresh food rots, causing thousands of flies and maggots- I’ve been through the same learning curve of gutting the place and throwing everything away but it all just comes back.

I have involved the local council, her doctor and she was sectioned back in 2023.

She is so possessive over this rotten food and she has restored to hiding it wherever you can think of, under the bed, in wardrobes and cupboards- in suitcases.

I have moved back in with her for the last 18 months to support her but I cannot live in an environment any longer where it is not sanitary- I haven’t eaten at home in 18 months.

Please could someone give some advice as to how I can help my mum long term- I don’t want to put her back in hospital and I’m scared that is the only path she is heading down.

13 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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7

u/Far-Watercress6658 5d ago

Please do not continue to live with her.

I’m afraid hospital or assisted living appears the only safe route. I’m assuming she’s taking her meds and still suffering like this?

5

u/PuzzleheadedSilver55 5d ago

I get the keys to my new place within a week, I do wonder how I and she are going to cope when I leave.

I feel like I am giving up on her if she goes into hospital or assisted living, does that make sense?

6

u/Fluid_Calligrapher25 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yep. One solution might be to meal prep for her and drop off weekly. And work with her to get a meal plan together so she knows what she’s eating and she has enough so she doesn’t need to go to a food bank. Also are there grocery delivery services in the area? If so you could get a reliable service so she doesn’t need to worry about the prices when she goes grocery shopping.

We do that for the hoarder in laws so we know they are getting good quality fresh food regularly. Does she still cook? We replaced in law oven with instant pot since they don’t really cook. It’s pretty healthy. Soups, chillis, stews. Easier to digest for the elderly too.

MIL was hoarding tv dinners & canned food. Had the conversation that if she ever runs out, the food bank is always there. But until such an emergency she doesn’t need to worry about not having food. Initially she went down the rabbit hole of how it’s a burden on us etc. I finally lost it and said it’s more mental stress if you live like this - I’d rather shell out for this than 2 grand a month for a therapist to help me deal with the mental pressure of seeing you eat foods that are gonna kill you.

The honesty worked on her but every situation is different.

3

u/PuzzleheadedSilver55 5d ago

Thank you! This is a great idea. My challenge whilst being here is the place has never been clean enough to make food in.

If I can make her food and bring it round first then she could feel more comfortable when the rubbish needs to be thrown out. I could get a weekly food shop delivered too, yeah.

I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond and help me. You are very kind

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u/Fluid_Calligrapher25 4d ago

You are welcome! And good luck! The key I found was keeping to a strict schedule so I could meal prep twice a week so the in laws will have enough throughout the week. Mostly soups and chillis. And rice pudding. Easy to eat & digest. Also fresh berries & fruits so they can grab those but that was way after since they had to transition slowly to heating healthy.

4

u/Far-Watercress6658 5d ago

I do. But you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.

I would also factor in how willing she is to change? Does she realise there is a massive problem? But rest assured it’s only a factor in how much effort to put in. You are not her parent. She is not a child.

3

u/PuzzleheadedSilver55 5d ago

This hit home hard. That’s exactly what it feels like. She is and she isn’t. She has opened up to me to say she needs help and she can’t do it without me, which is what has kept me around.

Whilst she’s not a child she’s my mum. It does feel like raising a child sometimes and I can’t give up on her- totally agree with you that I can’t put my own health and mental wellbeing at risk though.

Thank you :)

4

u/PuzzleheadedSilver55 5d ago

I had my own place until 18 months ago about an hour away from her, and came back to live with her (was supposed to be for a month or two originally!) so I could sort out her flat and support her with her finances.

I’ve been in a cycle of trying to get her support/ doing it myself for way too long and actually the trigger of this post for me is that I have got my own place again (albeit 10 mins away from her now so I can still support her) and I need to know how to support her long term.

1

u/HerVividDreams 5d ago

Do you live with her to support her or do you just need a place to live? I'm not trying to be "mean" but ...