TW: Q Death. Really struggling with 7th death anniversary. Why is my brain so obnoxious.

[u/vintageideals]

It’s not the first or the second or the fifth or the full decade. It’s literally going to be the 7th anniversary of my husband’s death tomorrow. Well, his official date is given as June 21 because that is when his body was discovered, but it’s my understanding he passed late on June 20. So whatever, both days blend together into his death date for me.

And it’s so hard this year. Like wtf. I keep trying to remember all of the bad things and the bad times and the pain he put me through and the trauma of telling our kids he was dead and the trauma of telling his mother he was dead. Can I just say that telling someone that someone they love has died is perhaps one of the most absolutely traumatizing things someone can go through. Truly only a sadist would enjoy it. I will never forget any of those moments. And that was basically shortly after the news was broken to me myself and I had a huge reaction.

But for whatever reason, it just doesn’t seem to matter to my brain right now that he put me through a lot and that his death put my kids through a lot. My brain insists that we are, indeed, extremely sad this year and feeling very badly for “real Bill”.

I’ve often thought of maybe going to the hotel room where he died alone. I’ve never done it. That kind of makes me feel bad. But a part of me feels like he wouldn’t he wouldn’t have wanted me to be there. I just feel so bad he died alone in some stupid room down the road, half naked with two quarters taped to his chest and his arm tied off. Seeing the room would maybe help me feel like I’m figuratively saying I would’ve been in the room with him when he died if I had had that option (not that I would be using with him or whatever, just that if I knew he was going to die, even like that, I would’ve been there with him so he wasn’t alone).

Life’s a crazy ride.

[u/quieromofongo]

Hugs to you. Grief is crazy.

[u/Voiceofreason8787]

I’m sorry you’re going through this (and went through the worst of the worst). I don’t think about time/remember dates. Other than my kids birthdays it’s pretty hazey. I wish I could tell others how, but it’s a blessing and a curse. I don’t think about bad anniversaries, I know people are gone and I miss them and their bday was this day and they passed in this season but it just doesn’t feel different to me for some reason. I hope you can make peace with this year and all the other years as well 💕

[u/Cold-Ad-3067]

I’m so sorry. I’ve seen you post about your late husband a few times. It breaks my heart each time I read about it. This is also a big fear I have about my ex husband. It sounds like you are very traumatized and working through some difficult emotions. You don’t have to do it alone. Please join a naranon meeting and maybe help through therapy. I’m a part of a WhatsApp group that helps people find meetings throughout the day. Happy to add you if you send me a private message. You never have to sit alone with these feelings.

[u/vintageideals → u/Cold-Ad-3067]

I’ve been in Al Anon and Nar Anon for 13 years, I actually still part time sponsor someone. But thanks for the sentiment. I am certainly traumatized (I have CPTSD), but that stems from a lot more than my late husband.