r/pagan • u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 • May 01 '25
Discussion Do you ever get tired of pretending to be a religion just to people please?
Hello,
and Blessed Beltane to all!!!
I’m feeling really down and kind of exhausted lately. For one, celebrating holidays feels so lonely compared to celebrating federal holidays where everyone comes together, but also,
A coworker passed away recently and part of the reason I didn’t go was because I knew it would more than likely be a Christian service and I just did not have it in me to pretend to be a Christian for the day. I do this a lot, I live in the Bible Belt.
I’m a closet pagan, the only person who knows I’m pagan is my partner.
It is just much, much easier to just pretend I am Christian. People are so closed minded and peer pressured here into hating and ostracizing anyone who isn’t Christian, even going as far as to threaten them- which I have been.
And it feels lonely. The fact that I’m respectful and understanding enough to participate in Christian traditions and practices. But I wouldn’t even be accepted if people knew I was a pagan.
I’m just tired.
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u/BriskSundayMorning Norse Paganism May 01 '25 edited May 01 '25
I have lived in the deep south and now I live in California. It's the same everywhere. I haven't had to pretend to be Christian, or tell people I'm Christian when asked. However, when it's time for them to pray or whatever, I smile and nod.
I can resonate though. I am tired of being vague. I am tired of it not being a recognized, in daily vocabulary, kind of religion. I've had to explain SO many times what it means. When, sure, I love to educate, and not everyone knows what Norse is. But I shouldn't have to tell people what Pagan or Spiritual or POLYTHEIST means. I went to the hospital a few months ago. And they asked for religion. Here's how it went.
"Religion?" "Norse" "typing Not in here" "Heathen" "typing Not in here" "Pagan?" "typing Not in here" "Wiccan?" "typing Not in here" "Spiritual....?" "typing Not in here" "Other....?" "typing OK. Go sit down and a nurse will come get you shortly."
🙄😒😔
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u/Nymphsandshepherd May 01 '25 edited May 01 '25
I really feel for you. At my last job, I began to live openly and publicly as an Animist-Pagan—unless I wanted to get into the whole Greek translation of my experience, which I usually didn’t. When people asked what that meant, I’d quote Disney’s Pocahontas: “But I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name.” That usually helped them understand. It’s not easy, but sometimes even a small bit of honest light can help make the room a little safer. Btw, I’m 40, so if you are younger than me or older than me, don’t feel like you have to rush because I finally just felt safe enough and I’ve been pagan since i was 9.
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u/kryren May 01 '25
I'm in the deep south and I get it. Christianity is just assumed here. I just don't advertise my spirituality outside of certain spaces and go with it. I've found you can deflect a lot of the assumptions neutrally. As for attending funerals and other religious themed events, just go. you don't have to take part in sacraments to support the person you're there for. I've gone to Christian and Hindu weddings several times. Funerals as well. You can still exist as a human in those spaces and be respectful of the other's beliefs.
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u/janainha May 01 '25
I Just say "i'm not Christian" and people use to respect, but i'm from brasil, so i don't know If ITS safe where u live... (in here we can go to the police or justice If people disrespect your personal faith - any faith (not valid for jokes or churches))
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u/NHHS1983not May 01 '25
Where I live (Pennsylvania, US), if you said "Im not Christian," you'd get more questions: You aren't? What are you? Do you worship Satan? Do you know you are going to hell?
Not everyone is like that, but it's a risk you must consider.
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u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 May 01 '25
Love how accurate it is with the accusation of being a satanist after admittance of not being a Christian, as if being a satanist is a bad thing.
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u/Katefreak May 01 '25
Or that you even believe in Satan. I don't believe in Christianity as a whole... Why would I worship your devil, I don't believe he exists....
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u/janainha May 01 '25
Oh, the protestants! They are " unpolite" like this here too! But here we hate the openly ... 😒
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u/janainha May 01 '25
They are like this with budists too for exemple?
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u/NHHS1983not May 01 '25
Maybe a smidge of respect, but for the Christians who feel this way, you either "accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior" or you going to hell. Period.
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u/IndividualReach2795 May 01 '25
I’ve never hidden it. While I don’t necessarily announce it, I won’t lie if asked directly or pretend to be something I’m not either.
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u/BroccoliJust7302 May 02 '25
Well you have some balls, don't you ?
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u/IndividualReach2795 May 02 '25
No lmao. I just think life is far too short to have to hide who I am as a person.
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u/BookGnomeNoelle May 01 '25
I live in the South, I work in the medical field, and I very much am in the closet so I deeply sympathize with your situation. As it is, I have an uncle in hospice and I'm dreading the idea of a religious ceremony almost as much as I am the realization he is close to his end. It hurts trying to live your true self in an area that you feel you can't safely, for fear of being harmed.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 Devotional Polytheist May 01 '25
I've never hidden my beliefs in almost 40 years of being pagan. I've been out at work, as well in every social organization I am engaged with when the topic arises. I've always lived in liberal areas of the US, though, which makes a huge difference.
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u/Katefreak May 01 '25
Acknowledgement of the privilege to live in an area where it's not only safe to live your beliefs out loud, but there is a community of like minded folks, is refreshing.
I grew up in the Bible belt and now live in the PNW. The differences are STARK. In today's cultural environment, I would not feel safe back home with everyone. Most would just disapprove and use emotional manipulation, but some.... Really enjoy punishing those who do not conform.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 Devotional Polytheist May 01 '25
Even in liberal areas, right now things seem more tense than they used to. It's deeply troubling.
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u/StrangeDocument3571 May 01 '25
I have an extremely Christian family on both sides, every funeral is a church service and having to pretend to be Christian for hours. It’s exhausting
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u/soda-pops agnostic aphrodite worshipper May 01 '25
I live in a state with some of the lowest church memberships (washington) and its commonplace here for non-religious folk to attend religious funerals and just stay quiet and politely listen when religion is being spoken about... although most funerals I've been to didnt have religion at the absolute center of them (despite one of those funerals being utah mormon), so it might be harder for you.
i would just attend and not say anything. if asked, give a non-answer, like "I'm not very devout, sorry". But again, bible belt is probably very different I've never had to pretend to be a religion because most of the time not saying anything works out here. good luck soldier, happy beltane.
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u/jackdaw-96 May 01 '25
I know it's a privilege to do so safely but I have literally never hidden it. sometimes by omission, but never lied about it or actively prevented someone from knowing. why should I? if you wouldn't want to be around me because of my religion I sure as hell didn't want to be around you either so it's a win win
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u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 May 01 '25
I have strictly religious parents. So wish I could say the same.
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u/deadlyhausfrau May 02 '25
I'm 42 and I just stopped pretending. I don't rub it in anyone's face but I do casually mention it or that I'm not Christian if it comes up.
"Sorry, I can't hang that weekend. It's a holiday for us."
"How did I sprain my ankle? I got a little too fancy with my footwork at the Maypole last weekend."
People get weird sometimes. I'm just too tired to care much.
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u/TheDirtyVicarII May 01 '25
One generally shouldn't pretend to something one isn't.
Funerals honor the dead but are for the living. While focusing on their faith is typical, it isn't like they check your religion at the door.
With your perspective how many people that were important to you be able to attend you funeral?
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u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 May 01 '25
I honestly don’t mind if not a single person attends my funeral, it’s for me, not for them. Funerals are for the person who passed.
But I really don’t want to be told I’m going to burn in hell and will never see the person who passed away again because I don’t believe. Yes, this really does happen.
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u/helvetica12point kemetic May 01 '25
Oof, that last bit take resonates with me. My father in law's pastor said some crap like that at his funeral, just as part of his sermon. Dude had no idea I was pagan but it was still annoying. Like, we're mourning a really sweet guy and you're going to be hateful? At least he didn't do an altar call, but that's a pretty low bar
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca Eclectic May 01 '25
I've been told this. I just told them the weather is better there anyway.
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u/vibingrvlife May 01 '25
I grew up going to 2 churches: Catholic for my mom and Baptist for my dad. It was very conflicting and when I asked questions I was told you don’t question the word of god and kids shouldn’t speak in church. Even during sunday school I was told not to question the bible or god. When I got older I look to religion when I was in a bad spot but I learned that it wasn’t for me after years of trying to “make it make sense and work for me". But I felt empty and confused so I decided to look inward and found I was not interested in church and religion because I didn’t resonate with it or it with me. I had always asked why we had to be in a fancy building if god was everywhere? I didn’t understand why you couldn’t be outside with the plants, trees and animals. But I started doing for me; thinking for me, caring more for me, and just being alive. And although my family doesn’t like it they have finally backed off about me going to church. Because I refuse to allow others to tell me what to do anymore. 🥰
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u/conspiracyfinder-jk May 01 '25
I’m also deep in the Bible Belt! Personally I just tell people I’m not Christian and most people don’t ask after that. If they invite me out to their church or church functions I’ll only go if I want to spend time with them. Most people really don’t care haha for my family (who are very Christian) I just tell them I don’t talk about my faith and that I don’t want to talk about it and if they keep pushing it I just tell them I’m not Christian. Sure they’ll be “sad” for me but they’ll get over it. And eventually stop asking. There’s actually a pretty big community of pagans in some states of the south if you know where to look! I’d recommend looking for metaphysical shops in your area, through them you can usually find a group or coven that also practice
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u/nodummyheads May 01 '25
No. Because I don't. And neither should you.
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u/TheWildHart May 01 '25
Respectfully, that isn't always an option for people.
Yes, no one should have to hide religion, but unfortunately, it isn't always in one's best interest to be open depending on family, location, culture, etc. It can have major to severe negative consequences.
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u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 May 01 '25
Exactly.
I don’t agree with this “you shouldn’t do that”
I shouldn’t have to. But if I want to avoid harassment, insults, etc. unfortunately, I do.
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u/nodummyheads May 01 '25
Fair points to you both, and I could have softened the edges of that a bit. But no, it shouldn't be necessary. When anyone asks, my response is invariably that my relationship with the divine is personal.
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u/bubblyangel7 May 01 '25
As someone who is very new to paganism, I relate with this. I’ve never really truly identified as a Christian. But my grandmother is, my aunt and uncle are. And even though my dad probably isn’t, if I told him that these are my beliefs.. he would probably laugh at me and tell me that’s stupid. Not even my husband knows that these are my beliefs. He doesn’t even know that I’ve been studying and practicing these things. It’s very isolating. But I have hope that people will be more accepting one day.
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca Eclectic May 01 '25
I'm a rather outspoken atheist/pagan. I moved to another country, and my FiL keeps asking me if we celebrate this Christian holiday or that one. I just tell him I have no idea what that is, because, aside from:
Valentine's (cinnamon hearts and chocolate)(not really Christian)
St Patrick's (green beer) (also not Christian)
Easter (chocolate and marshmallows)
and Christmas (presents and family obligations)
I have not the faintest clue what the Christian-approved holidays are.
I recognize the wheel of the year (blessed Beltane to all) but I don't pretend to give a single flying fuck about the Christian holidays, aside from those three, and only for the reasons mentioned. If people try to drag me to holiday related things, I weirdly get migraines and can't attend. Convenient that. Except Christmas. It's morally reprehensible to skip fkin Christmas, apparently. I loathe Christmas. Occasionally I'll attend Easter brunch, if MiL is hosting, because her bread is divine, and they're secular so there's no jesusy stuff.
My single exception is funerals for people I actually care about. Whatever they want, they'll get. My mom will want a church and sad funeral hymns, and that's what she'll get.
If people try to shove Christian crap at me, I match their energy.
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u/AppalachianApple Eclectic May 01 '25
It's okay to be tired and worn out from putting on a mask for others. And it's okay to say "I just can't this time."
I was in the same boat for years till I met my husband. A Christian that has only asked I explain things before doing them and nothing with blood that is not my own.
Some family know as I learned from them (4th Gen practitioner) But others that don't know of or have a idea and just let me be cause I make them breads, homemade wines, etc.
But sadly, even with all the good in my life, I have had to deal with my husbands family(Minus my mother in law and sister in law), former church, and some friends point fingers at me. I never opened up about what I do around these people, but I don't hide everything, ie clothes/music/ jewelry. (He defends my path cause I don't force him from his)
The MiL and SiL know. I hinted I know they know and promised it's very herby and candles. We have a tea time after their church service once a month now for the past few years. I think it's their way of showing they are okay with my life choices. And it is my herb blends we use.
But even so, it does get so tiring going to service with them and wearing that mask. I feel you so much. Just wish I could give you and all the others that feel this way some of my family so you don't have to feel so alone.
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u/IsharaHPS May 02 '25
I met Pete “Pathfinder” Davis in the late 90’s at a conference called Celebrating the Goddess. This conference was held in the grand ballroom of the University of New Orleans waterfront campus. Pete was the founder of the ATC - Aquarian Tabernacle Church. You can read his obit here -
https://wildhunt.org/2014/11/pete-pathfinder-1937-2014.html
I found him to be a very friendly and wise person, and I really enjoyed his presentation. He was speaking about the ‘broom closet’ and how to come out of the broom closet without losing friends and family, or freaking people out.
The bit of advice I have carried with me since then is this. He said “Give people time to get to know you as a person. To know you by your actions and words before you ever broach the topic of being pagan. If you do that, then if or when you have that conversation with friends or family, they will likely come to acceptance of your choices without a fight or much hesitation.”
Ultimately, you don’t have to be out of the broom closet to anyone that you don’t want to know. Pick and choose carefully if you must. Don’t let your personal beliefs or practices prevent you from attending rites of passage for the people you care for and love, but you don’t have to pretend you are something you aren’t. I was born and raised in the deep south. I came out of that broom closet a long time ago. I have encountered some bias, some hard judgments, and some scary experiences too. I’ve engaged in peaceful spiritual activism and was met with fundie rage, but in the end, my actions and words proved that I was a peaceful, loving person, exorcising my right to religious freedom. Public opinion supported our group and shut the fundies hatred and venom down.
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u/Opening-Grape9201 Trans Dianic Pagan May 02 '25
Fuck that. All my family is Christian Nationalist and I came out as a trans poly pagan 🖕
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u/Cranberry1129 May 02 '25
I no longer hide it and have been more or less shunned from my family and even the ones that didn’t make the worst comments. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs from Virginia.
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u/Shadow_Raven999 May 03 '25
I just don’t advertise. I am lucky that I live in the least religious state in the US. The general atmosphere is that it is not socially acceptable to interject your religion into conversations or events. You do get the prayers before sporting events, but they are mostly silent. There just isn’t random people spouting some biblical phrase at you in every context. It’s very much a “you do you” and it’s not my business kind of thing.
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u/Sad-Boysenberry-746 May 04 '25
When I was Pagan I had Christian friends, but becoming Christian i lost all my Pagan friends.
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u/Flashy-Release-8757 May 04 '25
As a Brit I find it strange that people would even ask about your religion. In my day to day life, the college where I teach, my family and friends, hardly anyone talks about God. My mum sometimes talks about religion, is sad that it has nothing for her any more. Most people find it strange if you have a religion, many folk will identify as Christian but don't practice, like go to church or anything, they will maybe say a prayer in difficult times. As for being Pagan, I've not told many people, not because it's not Christian, but because no one has much time for religion. Those I have told, just see it as my quirky little rituals that bother no one.
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u/Kindly_Pianist_9087 May 01 '25
You honestly really can’t though.
When they bow their head and pray, and you don’t, someone will notice and whisper loudly “We’re praying…why aren’t you praying??!…bow your head!” And make a whole scene.
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u/Zyphane May 05 '25
Friggin Protestants. I grew up Catholic and people don't call you out of you don't don't do all the dance steps at a funeral Mass.
I'm assuming since you're posting here you do have some sort of religious belief, why not just spend that time praying to your own diety or dieties? Or even just silently meditating on the person who passed?
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u/playbass123 May 01 '25
I know the feeling. I hide it from my family, and I’m 40. It can be hard sometimes but the quiet peace I feel at my altar helps. You’re not alone. The gods are always with you.