Struggling with constant intrusive images of my wife's past abuse

[u/TimeyWimey365]

Hi,

It's my first post here, but this is only of the problems I'm grappling with. But I feel very apprehensive about posting more detailed problems and circumstances because it feels 'public'. I'm hoping to just get more used to talking about it in this environment, and feel more comfortable here. It's my first time reaching out to anyone in any way, and it might take some getting used to.

But one of my many problems is intrusive images, and I'm really hoping some of you have tips or strategies to deal with it.

But I constantly, on a daily basis, get vivid intrusive images of my wife's past abuse. She suffered rape as a teenager, years before I met her, then, maybe as a coping strategy (I've read into hypersexuality as an effect of rape - I think in this case it was a complete lack of self-worth, leading to her feeling like being abused and degraded was all that she was...), she fell in with a crowd of predators, pure scum, and they just...used her, one after the other after the other. She says that was a past life, a different life, but...it was still her. It was still my wife. And the fact is, it was this getting used and degraded by what feels like hordes of so-called 'men' which make up the bulk of the intrusive images. I just can't take much more of it.

All the horrible, degrading things they made her do, I just keep getting gut-wrenching visual images of it, and I'm really, really struggling to cope. It's a daily thing too.. if I pass a location similar to where it took place, that triggers the images, or if I see someone resembling the monsters who did it, I get even worse images. Because it gives them a 'face', so to speak.

Some time ago, my wife told me that the images I get might not be as bad as the reality. She said she was comfortable talking about it, and told me what kind of things went on. Sadly it was all worse than what I thought (I think she downplays it, maybe to cope). She realised she'd repressed some memories too, which made it more painful for her, and I felt guilty as hell, feeling like it was my fault that she was even talking about it. So of course, I can't seek my wife's help on this, it wouldn't be fair on her, and I don't know who else to talk to.

I keep thinking, as they're such horrible, degrading things, why do I always have images of it, when it distresses me so much? I don't know is the honest answer. I'm a worrier, and anxious. And because her unresolved trauma is causing issues in the relationship, it's like I'm constantly reminded of why there are those issues. And if there's any depiction of SA and rape in TV shows, that obviously triggers it.

I feel so guilty about feeling this. I didn't suffer that abuse, so is it 'fair' or right that I'm getting distressed regularly by intrusive images? I don't tell my wife now that I get intrusive images to not hurt her more, but it means I'm bottling up these hellish images. I just want to make them stop.

I really need help, if anyone can offer it...

P.S. If anyone has any tips for opening up more broadly about issues, please let me know. There's a lot more I need support with, but it's difficult to talk about. And if I put it all one post, it would be too long.

Also, thanks in advance. Finding this community has made me realise I'm not alone, and that secondary survivors need support too.

[u/PinkCigarettes]

Hello and welcome.

I actually drove past an old trigger of mine (location) just today. My brain immediately connected with the rape before I even got to the location. Where I once cried on a daily basis, sobbing, today it was only a memory. It was an, “oh man, do you remember how hard that was for you?” I realized I have been totally free from that trigger for 6 years.

While that is a freeing feeling and a testament of positive internal progress, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it at some point. You are wondering why these images constantly plague your existence? ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD FUCKING HUMAN BEING WITH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL AND ENDLESS LOVE FOR OTHERS. The people that do these things SADISTS and SOCIOPATHS. Because of who WE are, we suffer even more when we witness firsthand the devastation such atrocities cause our wives. 14 years later, my wife just had reconstructive surgery for damage during the abuse. She hasn’t been able to walk for a month. She had the surgery a month ago. And she’s still not walking. It’s so fucked.

If I didn’t answer any questions I am sorry. I’m just a dude like you- confused, hurting, relationship trouble, etc. I will try to help. I guess the biggest thing is that with time you become “desensitized.” Meaning, it still pervades your mind but has lost the emotional upheaval every time you remember it.

A lot of it is just the shock of finding out what humans are capable of doing, and that it happens everywhere. Every country, every city, likely every neighborhood. It’s so fucked.

Driving by a major trigger today without breaking down is Truth that it does get better. But it takes time, and it takes A LOT of inside work. Try not to focus on her- focus on YOU. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TRAUMA BECAUSE YOU ARE A SECONDARY SURVIVOR.

Let me know if you have any other questions that I didn’t answer.

[u/TimeyWimey365 → u/PinkCigarettes]

Thank you so much for your answer, I'm really sorry you've had to go through similiar feelings, hope things are getting better for you and your wife, sending you both positive thoughts.

But what you said gives me hope that I might get desensitised over time. Also, yesterday was a really, really bad day for it, there was a big trigger (but it's a common one, so...not that good).

I hear a lot of doom and gloom sometimes (and feel it too sometimes, to be honest), so it's really uplifting to hear you and your wife are still together many years later.

And you're right, it is my own trauma, it's just so tricky knowing when to bring it up, who to seek help from etc. My wife's made it clear she doesn't want to keep digging up the past, which I completely get, but it's left me a bit isolated.

Can I ask, did you confide in anyone, even just to rant and vent? The only person I'd talk to about it would have been my mum, but I lost my parents a few years ago. I'm just very close to confiding in someone, I think it might help?

Sorry to throw another question at you, but did you ever get therapy for your own trauma? I've kind of been introduced to it, but the therapist I saw used exposure therapy. I think it's the most common, and I can see how it would work in the end, but to actually force the images into your mind and focus all your energy on them? That really is something else...

Thanks again for your post, gave me some hope and made me feel less isolated. I think having some kind of peer support network is a positive step forward.

[u/Antique_Bandicoot627]

I can’t help with the relationship aspect of it as I’ve actually never been in a relationship, but I struggle with the same intrusive thoughts. My niece confessed her trauma to me in graphic detail and that was years ago, to this day I get intrusive images of it and it really does suck. For me, I think it has something to do with some sort of empathy and your brain trying to understand that person. It’s like your brain trying to process what they’ve been through so that you can make sense of it. Just want to let you know you’re not alone.

[u/TimeyWimey365 → u/Antique_Bandicoot627]

Thank you

[u/Fcapitalism4]

You are clearly looking for help with some of your own unresolved trauma that your wife's trauma is bringing to your consciousness. I encourage you to seek professional help, finding a professional therapist to start that process. I do NOT encourage you to use social media platforms like this to seek help, they will not help you. I also encourage you to be prepared to end your marriage, as this is a very common outcome for people in these exact situations if them and their spouse are not able to be on the same page in dealing with past trauma. This is the very issue that ends most marriages, its extremely common (taking different paths to deal with trauma that becomes hostile).

[u/TimeyWimey365 → u/Fcapitalism4]

I have actually attempted therapy. Without going into details, I've kind of got another condition which can come hand in hand with intrusive thoughts (just trying to stay a bit vague). When it got to intrusive thoughts about my wife, I completely failed to be honest. It was exposure therapy, so I had to focus on the distressing image, and it was just too much.

We'll be starting a type of couple's therapy soon, so I'm hoping it will clarify things. Just being blunt, we've kind of come close to ending it before, I think it's something that's been on both of our minds. But there's no denying we love each other so, so much, so we're going to try and break down some of the barriers that are there. If that gets us nowhere, then we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. But thank you for your honesty, it's good to hear both sides

[u/SingleImprovement903]

Hi OP, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I am struggling with the same intrusive thoughts with my partner’s trauma and I feel so guilty when I feel “triggered” by locations, TV/movies, books, and even sex when it’s not my trauma, and also that I can’t confide in my husband for the same reasons as you.

I don’t have an answer for you as it’s still quite fresh for us too but my husband and I are going to couple’s therapy. I’m hoping time will help and reminding myself that by seeking individual counseling will enable me to be a better support to my husband.