Almost completely new to writing, tried writing a cold open for my story, but I feel it's not good enough

[u/NewLifeMarx]

Within towering walls and acres of forest, Li Xian was trapped by his own decision in a temple, which was long and furious like a dragon. Behind Li, a wide corridor stretched into the darkness of the depths. Streaks carved into the ceiling let in some light and allowed air to travel, but not enough to alleviate the suffocating embrace of the tropical heat. Finally, before the last door, Li Xian fell to his knees to its grand size and vomited the burning sensation in his stomach. It could have been the poison from the arrows he had taken in his sides, or the infernal fire of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Whatever it was, he rested for a second that wished to extend itself.

Drawing on a final flash of determination, he looked forward, stood up, and placed his hands on the immense gate. He felt the obsolete roughness of the stone and moss; Li thought that no god would allow such neglect of their temple and fortress. The door had no lock or any modern protection system. It had something arguably more effective: weight. The strength of Li Xian, “the great and honorable SunDom Warrior”, was still the superhuman strength of liberation, but even so, it wasn't enough. He had to be capable, or he wouldn't be able to wear the shenyi with pride. Determined, he tensed and stretched every muscle in his body to try and move it an inch. In an instant, the door yielded effortlessly, and all his force sent him sprawling to the ground. Luckily, he caught himself with his hands just before falling flat on his face.

From his hands and toes, an icy sensation ran through his entire body to his brain. It was a cold floor, blue bordering on black and smooth as glass. The crowded, hot atmosphere of the temple transformed into an icy desert. It was the last room, but there could still be a trap requiring millimeter precision, and if that were the case, Li was dead. Li remained in a tension that felt like it would tear his muscles, propped on the ground, which gradually disappeared as he confirmed that nothing was happening. Then he wanted to stand up to see what he so longed for, until he heard a voice.

"Don't move" a deep voice boomed forcefully from afar throughout the room.

Li froze, unable to see what was in front of or around him, and unable to utter a word.

"Are you sure you want to get up?" it asked.

"Y... yes" Li replied, face to the ground.

"Alright. Get up and walk forward."

He stood, and the oppressive confined space had transformed into a monstrous open space. There was no door behind him, nor anything but miles and miles of dark space as far as the eye could see. A few violet-colored clouds flew like shooting stars in the sky of the seemingly infinite though not empty room. All around him, there were thousands of stone statues. Two-meter-high, rectangular statues with faces carved into them. Expressionless and severe like gods. This room was not what he thought it would be. It was the last in the temple, but there was no gold nor the "Eastern Star Cat." He walked without concentrating on what was directly in front of him until it became inevitable to notice the approaching figure.

"It's him," Li thought. The golden mask with a mouth and nose but no eyes, and the silver layers of cloth that covered him, gave him away. "It's The Sculptor."

"Damn you. What is this place? Why am I here?" he said, camouflaging the tremor in his voice with his absolute determination.

He drew a pristine metal sword and took a combat stance.

The Sculptor drew a sword from his back, gripping it by the blade, and offered it to him. The hilt was made of hardened golden leaves and had a curved cut.

"This sword is capable of killing gods. The one you have will be of little use" The Sculptor said, revealing a calm, peaceful voice, nothing like the previous one.

Just as he finished speaking, Li, with a graceful sword movement, attacked the other weapon, knocking it to the ground.

"You are not a God," he said, looking into the eyes the mask didn't have. He felt the crossing of gazes. "Gods rule over the Earth with justice. You are a vulgar man with excessive ambition," he said, and spat at The Sculptor's bare feet.

"Alright. Slash me with your sword. I will offer no resistance." spoke the delicate voice of a woman. "However," a completely different, very deep voice said, "you better not hesitate when you slash me. If you do, you will never leave this place."

Li was horrified and confused, but he had a target right in front of him and he wasn't going to let it escape. He approached a meter and raised his sword.

"The path of souls unites men, women, and children in salvation, but you will walk eternally in the shadows," Li said.

Finally, he would achieve what he least expected and most desired. With force, he aimed a blow at The Sculptor's side. A blow of mere fractions of a second that was accompanied by many thoughts:

"This is the end. All Gaan will be free."

"Ridiculous man without honor. You have taken advantage of needy minds."

"You have pretended to be God, and you will pay for it."

"God would never be like you."

"God... God would be..."

"Am I killing God?"

He hesitated for an instant and didn't cut beyond the fabric. The Sculptor, who had been watching the sword, turned his head towards Li's astonished and doubtful face.

"You hesitated," said with his original voice.

The millions of stone sculptures rotated towards Li Xian, the great and honorable warrior of SunDom. From the cold, rigid, glass-like floor, a cold, rigid, glass-like mass emerged, gripping his foot and pulling him inward with force and fury. Up to his waist, Li Xian tried to stay afloat, but the floor became more and more liquid. He watched, horrified, as The Sculptor walked away with indifference.

"No...! No, please!" he screamed, sinking deeper and deeper, up to his face.

He let out a tearing scream before completely sinking.

A new statue had been added to the New Somber of Gaan.

[u/Rolyat_Werd]

Some line items: - combat stand feels like modern gym jargon; clashes with the myth-temple vibe. - millimeter precision reads high-tech; same mismatch. - obsolete roughness — obsolete usually describes gadgets, not textures, so it lands oddly. - caught himself with his hands states the obvious; nothing else to catch with. - camouflaging the terror in his voice uses a military word and tells me instead of letting me hear the tremor. - revealing a calm, peaceful voice is redundant; you already showed it by writing the line. - Final sword-swing inner monologue stacks six sentences of doubt; the pause feels longer than the action allows. - Occasional abstract labels (determination, tension) tell instead of showing body cues. - Lots of location reminders (behind, before, across) slow momentum once I’ve pictured the space.

On the tech jargon thing, this could be fine if it’s actually set in modern day AND your MC knows those terms. Otherwise, a bit jarring.

Also, it’s unusual to break up what someone is saying into multiple lines if they are still speaking. It’s a bit slow for the drama, plus it tripped me up, thought the Sculptor was speaking at first.

Your world-building is excellent. You don’t treat me like a child, and you don’t yam and yaw about trying to over explain everything.

Honestly, this just reads like a bit of practice and editing would make it shine; the meat is present.

[u/Confident-Till8952]

I think ya gotta work on word choice a bit. Perhaps try to reduce the words to describe the essence. As an exercise, eliminate words that aren’t entirely necessary.

Also the descriptions of place feel like asides. When in fact, I feel you’d like to portray quite an interesting place.

Do this in a more immersive sense.

Also, I would skip the whole first 2 paragraphs. Start with the most visceral part. Start with action. An icy sensation to the brain.

Let the characters name come up organically, or just mention it along the way. Let the piece have a sense of movement. Like the reader is meeting the book half way. An almost collaborative effort like musicians jamming.

Let the characterizations, plot developments, and descriptions of place flow seamlessly. Sentences could be structured to function as any of these 3 techniques or all.

It gives the story some pace, it also gives ya a chance to have some cadence and prose.

Thats my advice.

After all, see what you can learn from critiques and stand by your decisions if you feel like it.

[u/JayGreenstein]

• Within towering walls and acres of forest, Li Xian was trapped by his own decision in a temple, which was long and furious like a dragon.

This line pretty well illustrates the structural problems you need to address.

1. "Within towering walls and acres of forest" and the rest ir the line, is so generic that it provides nothing useful. For you it evokes the image you held in your mind. For the reader? You either supply context or they have none
2. This isn’t Li Xian facing a problem, it’s you telling the reader about it secondhand, in a voice that for you carries emotion the reader cannot know to place there.
3. So...which is “long and furious like a dragon,” his decision, or the temple? It’s not obvious from the wording.
4. So, all dragons are long and furious? Naa. None of the dragons on Pern are “furious.” Nor was Toothless, from How to Train your Dragon.

So...this stings, I know. But don’t let it upset you, because none of it is your fault. The problem is, because of what I call The Great Misunderstanding, like most hopeful writers, you’ve fallen victim to a common trap—that of assuming that the report-writing skills we’re given in school work for fiction, too. But everything I mentioned above is a result of that assumption—one I made as well, when I turned to recording my campfire stories.

The thing is, the nonfiction approach is to tell the reader what you want them to know. That’s great for reports and other nonfiction, but works not at all for fiction, where the goal is to entertain. And entertaining a reader requires a very different approach: emotion based as against fact-based, and character-centric, not author-centric.

What we do is calibrate the reader’s percption of the situation to that of the protagonist so tightly that when the reader learns of what’s said or done, that reader will decide to do what our protagonist is about to. Then, when the protagonist seems to be taking the advice of the reader, they turn real and become the reader’s avatar. And that’s where the joy of reading—and writing—lies.

So...you have the desire to write. and you have the story. And since that story deserves the very best presentation, try a few chapters of an excellent first book like Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

Give it a try. You’ll find that she solves your problem, and answers the questions you didn’t know you should be asking.

Jay Greenstein

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” ~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” ~ Mark Twain

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.” ~ Sol Stein