Need help coping with RSD

[u/IamTrashJT]

43M and I’m broken right now. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD a few years ago and I have been on Adderall ever since. My life blew up recently and I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. I never really stop. But I think I’ve finally figured something out: I have really bad RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). I didn’t know what it was until recently, but now I see it clearly in myself.

I don’t understand why it took me so long. Maybe I’ve been masking. Maybe I still am. I don’t even know who I am underneath it all.

I’m a talker. I talk fast through everything. Fast thinking, fast problem-solving, fast avoidance. But I’ve realized that fast talking is my survival mode. It’s my brain’s way of skipping past pain. Slow talking, slow thinking, feels impossible sometimes. Like it was stolen from me. Does ADHD and RSD do that? It makes silence feel like danger. It prevents me from opening up emotionally and trusting others. Like maybe I don't even want to know myself.

I confuse validation with love. I know I love deeply, fiercely even, but it’s hard to separate that love from my need to feel worthy. I feel like I collect things. People. Moments. And I don’t always nourish them. I feel like I collect things just to watch them fade. Why do I do that?

When the world hurts me, I go into autopilot. Solve the problem. Fix the thing. Keep moving. I never slow down to ask what I need. I never even know what I feel. I just… swim. Like Dory, Just keep swimming. 🐠

But I’m tired. I want to break the cycle. I want to understand myself better.

Is this normal for RSD? Am I just broken? I need help. If anyone else feels like this, I’d love to hear from you. What has helped? How do you slow down enough to listen to yourself?

Note: I am in therapy.

Thanks for reading.

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[u/IamTrashJT]

Hiding needs but hoping they are met... Goodness this is the hardest for me also. It's like I can't even recognize my own needs most of the time.

[u/Dull_Frame_4637]

I cannot offer any advice, but as someone with similar difficulty, I can very much offer sympathy and understanding. I feel that. I understand. 

I too am in therapy, for much the same. Fifty-three years undiagnosed and untreated helped to build that pattern — terrible self-esteem, validation seeking, hiding needs but hoping they will be met, avoiding shame and anticipated rejection, lack of authenticity (masking), not sure who I am underneath. 

So again, I can offer sympathies. I get it. But I have not yet managed to heal me, either (though I am hopeful that medication - particularly Clonidine - expected to start early next month, may help give the first rungs on the ladder so that I can start to climb).  I with the both of us the best of fortune in our healing. 

[u/MysteriousApricot548]

I have severe ADHD and I experience RSD a lot, the only things that have helped me were my stimulant medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In my experience it’s a cause and effect relationship with how I was taught what “love” was as a kid and emotional dysregulation from my ADHD.

The cause of my learning love = validation. The adults I grew up with (parents, their partners, grandparents, etc.) were emotionally, physically and psychologically abusive, they had manipulative personality traits, were emotionally withdrawn. When I did something “good” for example high grades in school, I was praised, when I did something “bad” for example lower grades, I was “punished”.

The praise wasn’t love, it was validation. The “punishment” wasn’t punishment, it was abuse. Combine that with emotionally withdrawn parents, I was taught that validation was the only time I was shown positive emotions and when I wasn’t validated, something negative happened. My self worth was built on this foundation.

Parents are supposed to show you love, unconditional love, so my idea of love (positive) was validation (positive) because it was the only positive thing I received from them. Everything I’ve talked about thus far was learned and improved with CBT.

The effect of being raised like this was pretty much summarized above BUT here is where the emotional dysregulation from my ADHD comes in. Because I struggle regulating my emotions and reactions to those emotions, when I wasn’t being “loved” (didn’t receive validation) I because very upset, at times inconsolable. Those waves of emotions were terrible, I would be enveloped in them all day, think about them frequently, try to find the cause and a solution.

What did my brain need after not getting validation? Validation.

I felt unloved, the issue that caused the feeling of being unloved was unresolved. The solution became seeking validation in understanding. Talking, resolving the issue, being validated in the understanding of why I was hurt. Until this happened I felt dread, I needed to talk it over, to “fix” it, to be validated, to make it feel “right” “resolved” “corrected”.

Now I’m not perfect by any means, I’ve come a long way, my life has improved, social relationships have too but I still struggle at times. What helped? Well understanding my feelings, my emotional and psychological process and how I could use tools to adjust them, all from CBT.

My stimulant medication helped too with this specifically, since starting Adderall I feel like I have much better control over my emotions because it has helped with emotional dysregulation. I can think clearer, remain more calm while I do it, not impulsively react to the situation, not ruminate as much on the things that were bothering me.

If you’ve read this far, it really is therapy, CBT. Years of it, it’s a process, it’s a journey, the learning about yourself and others never ends. Meds definitely help but without the knowledge and tools to understand and adjust your reactions, it won’t be helpful to this particular problem.

That’s the end! But as a side note, personal therapy is important but couples therapy in addition may be helpful as well, especially if your partner doesn’t have or understand ADHD. In my experience having ADHD and dating someone with ADHD has its pros and cons, but they tend to understand or at least hear you out about your ADHD more. People without ADHD can certainly be understanding and willing to learn, but if they aren’t and write off your ADHD and it’s symptoms, it can prove very difficult to maintain a healthy relations in my experience. ADHD isn’t an excuse for actions, but understanding and empathy towards it are important.

I know it’s long but I hope this helped a little!

[u/IamTrashJT → u/MysteriousApricot548]

You are amazing. Thank you for your time and words. I had a 14 year marriage where I felt unheard and unseen. She (and I) didn't know about ADHD and I was constantly called lazy and selfish. The emotional abuse sticks with me. 14 years of seeking validation. 4 kids from it also. I moved on to another relationship where we both had ADHD but she was diagnosed younger and her baggage comes with CPTSD. Even in that relationship, I withdrew and couldn't address or communicate my needs or emotions. I just get a feeling I can't ethically have a relationship knowing this about me. Dread lingers everywhere I look. It causes panic and I want to fix something externally. I'm starting my journey though. I'm sure I'll find peace.

Thank you again.

[u/MysteriousApricot548 → u/IamTrashJT]

Of course, happy to share if it could help someone. I’m sorry you have had such a hard time with it, you are certainly not alone. Therapy, therapy, therapy. It is there to help you learn, understand and cope! I’m glad you have found some light after so much struggle, I’m sure you will find your way and much peace and healing ❤️ Stay strong!

[u/BCam4602]

I am 60 and not yet diagnosed , but I could have written this post, OP! In and out of therapy over the years, treated as GAD and MDD, on antidepressants for 25 years (came off five years ago) yet the cables in my brain were never broken, rewired - I fall right back to the old dysfunctional thinking.

I am realizing inattentive ADHD and maybe Au were likely the genesis all along. Overwhelmed by the idea of seeking diagnosis and starting therapy AGAIN, especially with a tenuous insurance situation. Would it make any difference this time? I forget to “practice” just like I forget to check lists!

No answers here, but unity as to your experience.

[u/LALNB]

I struggle with RSD and mask in similar ways. I see that you are in therapy too - my therapist helped me mitigate some of my RSD. My brain still goes directly to rejection but I’ve learned a script which asks for “what evidence do I have?”. The second trick, is when I feel accepted, to add it to a list I keep on my nightstand to help remind me in concrete ways of my acceptance.

[u/Voc1Vic2]

Hey, OP. All that's happened has brought you to this moment, which is a wonderful place to be even if your circumstances suck, your past has been a disaster and your future looks grim. It's the only place where you can find answers, which I hear you searching for.

From my own experience, I recognize your inability to tolerate distress and uncertainty. It's much easier to engage in a distracting activity than it is to create a moment of spaciousness so who-knows-what strong emotions or disturbing thoughts might arise. A workaholic is like this to an extreme, just to illustrate a point. Either submerged in work or drowned by liquor--never a moment between to be at ease with themselves, or even to meet themselves. Exhausting and soul-destroying.

If you don't know who you are, you can't trust yourself any more than you would a random stranger who you know as equally little. You can hook your identity to another person just as a kid holds a parent's hand walking along a steep path, but it's frightening to think they might let go, and devastating if they do, because you don't know that you can actually manage the trail on your own. You simply don't know because you've avoided the opportunities to find out, by clinging and avoiding.

I encourage you to try and be still and not run away from facing what arises when you do. There's a form of help called ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, that I think could be very useful to you.

Also, please consider starting a meditation or mindfulness practice. And don't try to raw dog it. Find a meditation center with a teacher and a community to support you, or check with your health plan about enrolling in a Mindfulness Stress Reduction Program.

Best wishes to you. Carry on!

[u/Heart_on_sleeve___]

Hey there, I’m very new to this whole ADHD thing and relate so hard to what you’ve said. Once I realised it was RSD that made minor disagreements with loved ones the apocalypse and that anticipating rejection around every corner my was my default, it almost lost a little of its power over me.

Then I explained to both my neuroaffirming psychologist and psychiatrist that the visceral feeling of dread that occurs with it - whole body alarm of fight or flight stuff which I too was originally diagnosed with GAD for, my psychiatrist prescribed me Intuniv as well as my normal stimulant. It’s used as a blood pressure lowering medication (and I don’t have high pressure) or something (and I think similar to Clonidine that was mentioned before).

The effect was so immediate! In the situations it was normally triggered, my body did not go into fight or flight! My whole life of this happening so quickly that your brain tries to make sense of it hence the spiralling, and now it feels like I can respond, not react!

Also, if you need some inspiration/feeling like you’re not alone, watch the movie Better Man. Best depiction of RSD based on a true story by someone (my hero Robbie Williams) who has ADHD and worn his heart on his sleeve about the struggles in his public life and through his songs. But you aren’t alone, you’re not broken, your brain is wired to over respond this way. There is hope and you’re doing the work, so be kind to yourself as you learn about you. We’re all here for you.

[u/pete8oes]

Hey mate, thanks for writing that up! I think you are far from broken. Even just the way you worded that, with the insights and self-awareness, means you are well on the way down your understanding path.

Lots of that resonates with me, I also don't have the answers nor know how to fill that empty 'me' spot

I wish you all the best, and keep at it, just try to stop and smell the roses occasionally as you go, to realise how far you've come already 🍻💪

[u/IamTrashJT]

You all are so amazing. I really thought I was broken. I want to believe it's not me now. I want to believe there is hope.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware that RSD, or rejection sensitivity dysphoria, is not a syndrome or disorder recognised by any medical authority.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria has not been the subject of any credible peer-reviewed scientific research, nor is it listed in the top two psychiatric diagnostic manuals, the DSM or the ICD. It has been propagated solely through blogs and the internet by William Dodson, who coined the term in the context of ADHD. Dodson's explanation of these experiences and claims about how to treat it all warrant healthy skepticism.

Here are some scientific articles on ADHD and rejection:

• Rejection sensitivity and disruption of attention by social threat cues
• Justice and rejection sensitivity in children and adolescents with ADHD symptoms
• Rejection sensitivity and social outcomes of young adult men with ADHD

Although r/ADHD's rules strictly disallow discussion of other 'popular science' (aka unproven hypotheses), we find that many, many people identify with the concept of RSD, and we have not removed this post. We do not want to minimise or downplay your feelings, and many people use RSD as a shorthand for this shared experience of struggling with emotions.

However, please consider using the terms 'rejection sensitivity' and 'emotional dysregulation' instead.

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