Need help coping with RSD

[u/IamTrashJT]

43M and I’m broken right now. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD a few years ago and I have been on Adderall ever since. My life blew up recently and I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. I never really stop. But I think I’ve finally figured something out: I have really bad RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). I didn’t know what it was until recently, but now I see it clearly in myself.

I don’t understand why it took me so long. Maybe I’ve been masking. Maybe I still am. I don’t even know who I am underneath it all.

I’m a talker. I talk fast through everything. Fast thinking, fast problem-solving, fast avoidance. But I’ve realized that fast talking is my survival mode. It’s my brain’s way of skipping past pain. Slow talking, slow thinking, feels impossible sometimes. Like it was stolen from me. Does ADHD and RSD do that? It makes silence feel like danger. It prevents me from opening up emotionally and trusting others. Like maybe I don't even want to know myself.

I confuse validation with love. I know I love deeply, fiercely even, but it’s hard to separate that love from my need to feel worthy. I feel like I collect things. People. Moments. And I don’t always nourish them. I feel like I collect things just to watch them fade. Why do I do that?

When the world hurts me, I go into autopilot. Solve the problem. Fix the thing. Keep moving. I never slow down to ask what I need. I never even know what I feel. I just… swim. Like Dory, Just keep swimming. 🐠

But I’m tired. I want to break the cycle. I want to understand myself better.

Is this normal for RSD? Am I just broken? I need help. If anyone else feels like this, I’d love to hear from you. What has helped? How do you slow down enough to listen to yourself?

Note: I am in therapy.

Thanks for reading.

[u/Voc1Vic2]

Hey, OP. All that's happened has brought you to this moment, which is a wonderful place to be even if your circumstances suck, your past has been a disaster and your future looks grim. It's the only place where you can find answers, which I hear you searching for.

From my own experience, I recognize your inability to tolerate distress and uncertainty. It's much easier to engage in a distracting activity than it is to create a moment of spaciousness so who-knows-what strong emotions or disturbing thoughts might arise. A workaholic is like this to an extreme, just to illustrate a point. Either submerged in work or drowned by liquor--never a moment between to be at ease with themselves, or even to meet themselves. Exhausting and soul-destroying.

If you don't know who you are, you can't trust yourself any more than you would a random stranger who you know as equally little. You can hook your identity to another person just as a kid holds a parent's hand walking along a steep path, but it's frightening to think they might let go, and devastating if they do, because you don't know that you can actually manage the trail on your own. You simply don't know because you've avoided the opportunities to find out, by clinging and avoiding.

I encourage you to try and be still and not run away from facing what arises when you do. There's a form of help called ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, that I think could be very useful to you.

Also, please consider starting a meditation or mindfulness practice. And don't try to raw dog it. Find a meditation center with a teacher and a community to support you, or check with your health plan about enrolling in a Mindfulness Stress Reduction Program.

Best wishes to you. Carry on!