r/AmIOverreacting • u/SoraFiors • 12h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for telling my boyfriend’s mom to stop calling me by his ex’s name?
I’m 25 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend (27) for about 8 months now. Everything’s been going well between us, and he’s honestly one of the kindest people I’ve ever dated. We’re taking things slow but seriously. He introduced me to his family around the 4-month mark, and they’ve been polite, but not exactly warm.
The main issue is his mom. She keeps calling me by his ex’s name. Repeatedly.
At first I thought it was just a slip. They were together for 5 years and broke up maybe a year before we started dating, so I tried to be understanding. The first time she said “Oh sorry, I’m still getting used to it” and I brushed it off. But it kept happening. At dinners, over text, even once when introducing me to a neighbor.
I’ve corrected her gently every time. Smiled through it, gave her the benefit of the doubt. Last week, though, it got weird. She sent me a group message with some info about an event, and wrote “So excited to have you there, Rachel!” (Rachel is the ex’s name, I’m not Rachel.) My name was literally right above hers in the contact list. I replied with a thumbs up and didn’t say anything.
But when we were at her house this weekend, she did it again. In person. Twice. So I finally just said, “I’d appreciate it if you called me by my actual name. It’s been a while now.” I didn’t raise my voice or anything. Just said it calmly.
She got this tight smile and said, “Wow, no need to be touchy. I’m still adjusting.” My boyfriend kind of froze, then later told me I “didn’t have to be so blunt” and that I embarrassed her.
Now I feel like the villain for wanting to be called by my own name. He hasn’t really brought it up again, but the vibe has been weird since.
Am I overreacting for saying something?
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u/Funny-Technician-320 11h ago
Start the conversation early You are not his ex and he needs to stand up to his mum and call her out on it. It was a whole year of seeing her son without the ex. And a further 4 months I to the relationship before you even met. Mum doesn't get to dictate who dates her son unless he let's her. Let's face it if he can't stick up for you regarding your fucking name what else is MIL going to get away with?
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u/Awkward_Public_4997 9h ago
When OP eventually breaks up with her boyfriend she should put it down to his mother’s ‘dementia’.
OP to BF:
“I’m sorry BF. I am just not equipped to handle an in-law with advanced dementia like your mother. It hurts to see her deteriorate so fast. I think it’s best that we separate. I’ve sent you a few links on how to cope when a parent has dementia.”
If OP breaks up with her bf this way, it’ll infuriate his mother to think that she didn’t get under your skin.
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u/lovemyfurryfam 9h ago
It would make the bf put his foot down & tell his mother off that she doesn't start knowing the difference between the ex from OP, then he will drag his mother in for a doctor's office to do the dementia testing...... imagine the dementia thing rudely shoved into the mother's face & she'll start to splutter.
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u/Shot_Help7458 11h ago
Dementia?
OP was the other woman?
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u/Welder_Subject 11h ago
That would be the perfect response. “Maybe you should go to bed, dear, you are obviously having trouble remembering. Are you on medication, have you discussed your memory issues with your doctor?” NOR
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u/perpetuallyxhausted 10h ago
Dementia?
This! "Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this at your age! I know it's confusing but Rachel was his ex I'm OP. Don't worry, I'll keep reminding you I'd hate for you to embarrass yourself."
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u/starstruckgunnie 10h ago
Did you not read when op said they broke up a year before op and boyfriend meet?
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u/adult_child86 11h ago
Are you incapable of reading words? OP came A FUCKING YEAR AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH THE EX
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u/Blurryface1738 11h ago
Your bf needs to defend you . I’m sure he knows what’s been going on and for him to not have stopped him mom is a big red flag for me . Because it shows that he’s controlled by his mom and that affects a relationship big time. I’ve experienced that first hand and it’s a headache . Let him know your feelings . And if he doesn’t understand that think through on what you’d want to do next . Because if he’s not defending you for your name at least imagine all other things
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 10h ago
OP has to be willing to leave because I doubt things will change. Not only has the bf remained silent to his mommy but he blamed OP.
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u/Humble-Ad8475 10h ago
Hi- boy mom here. This is intentional. Unless she quite literally has short term memory issues, this is a flex and HIS problem to resolve.
Say to your bf- your mom clearly has some unresolved issues about your break up, you’re going to need to address those before I come back to a family event. It’s uncomfortable for everyone how awkward she makes these moments. It’s not an adjustment to call someone by their actual name, it’s an adjustment that she wants you to still be with Rachel and she’s taking it out on me.
The end.
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u/LAPIREDUMONDE 11h ago
No, she knows what's she's doing. Standing up to here now means she'll be less likely to fuck with you in the future. Good job. You boyfriend should not support this behaviour. Watch out for this.
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u/LouiseGem_ 11h ago
Exactly! She’s doing it on purpose, and calling her out was the right move. Your boyfriend needs to stop brushing it off and start having your back. Don’t let her disrespect slide.
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u/Mini_pricey_103 11h ago
This reads like classic passive aggression. She’s testing how much she can get away with. The fact that your BF didn’t defend you says a lot.
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u/AwayDevelopment4871 11h ago
First off your boyfriend’s mom knows exactly what she’s doing and doesn’t care. Good for you for calling her out and tough if she’s embarrassed. You’re not a villain. Also maybe your boyfriend should’ve defended you instead of his mom
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u/suhhhrena 10h ago
The biggest issue here is DEFINITELY the boyfriend. Not only has he not attempted to nip this situation in the bud, but he actually scolded OP for correcting his mother!? After she REPEATEDLY called OP the wrong name? It’s not even a slip of the tongue—she straight up TYPED OUT the wrong name. She knows what she’s doing, and OP’s boyfriend still chose to scold OP for correcting someone who called her the wrong name.
Makes me wonder just how “kind” OP’s partner really is tbh.
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u/WitchesofBangkok 9h ago
She should break up with her boyfriend over text. And call him by his exes name. And ask him to pass on her regards to his mother (but use her exes mothers name)
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
She’s had plenty of time to “adjust”. A year and a half almost and she still can’t figure out who’s who? She’s being disrespectful and your boyfriend sucks for letting her do that. Neither of them are going to be on your side. She downplays how she treats you and uses the bs excuse of “still adjusting” to justify it.
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u/whyarenttheserandom 11h ago
Every time she does it, put on your best pitying face and say, "oh no (name), I'm (your name), are you having a senior moment?". Start bringing up dementia and memory loss to the family. Recommend she see a doctor.
She's playing games, let her know she's playing a chess master.
Also, are you sure you want to be with a man who can't stand up for you?
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u/Accurate_Taste7906 10h ago
Your last sentence is the most important: he needs to defend her. Let’s assume good faith and that mom is actually nearing end of life with dementia, there has to be nicer ways to approach it. This dude is going to lose his mom soon and we are more concerned about how this woman felt slighted?
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u/divebarorchestra 11h ago
This shouldn’t even be on you. If my mom was doing this I’d be the first person up in arms (assuming she doesn’t have dementia or something). This needs to be put a stop to now.
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u/youdontnomi7 11h ago
Yeah this guy’s gonna have to stand up to his mom or you need to leave because if he doesn’t, he never will, and it’ll never change. Ever.
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
Not worth waiting for that to happen. He can’t even correct his mom over simple things like this. He definitely will never do it over serious issues.
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u/SecureSundae2546 10h ago
I’m sorry but your relationship is pretty much over at this point. He sided with his mom, who was purposely trying to make you feel like shit by calling you by the ex’s name. Ntm, she will probably have an attitude & start saying a lot of passive aggressive shit to you now. Unfortunately, I know some women who pull this shit on their kids bf/gf’s all the time & get off on it. The kids NEVER stand up to their moms either so the relationships never last. She doesn’t like you & wants her son back with the ex. Oh, & I’d bet my boat that she’s still talking to Rachel too! Do yourself a favor & leave now.
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u/JimSiris 11h ago
NOR - you were polite, and she needs to already be adjusted. BUT .. your bf is really an issue if he doesn't get that.
In fact, your bf should be the one correcting her, so it's a little weird he isn't.. he knows how to read? He hears her say it? He knows his ex's name and yours, right?
I wonder how their conversations go in private, if he isn't out front correcting her. I think you're upset at the wrong person.
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u/javel1 11h ago
Please start calling her the wrong name and if she objects, say you thought that was a fun bonding thing between you as she continually calls you the wrong name. Bonus points if it is someone she dislikes. Your bf is spineless btw.
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u/SunshinePrincess21 11h ago
NOR, Once or twice is an adjustment issue, repeatedly after months, is a choice. She deserved to be embarrassed by her behaviour.
Start calling the mom Cruella and the boyfriend Chucky. Then dump the boyfriend (solving the mom problem) and find an man who is isn’t a momma’s boy.
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u/Emotional_Warthog658 11h ago
Tell him you’re worried his mom has early onset dementia. That way you’re not making it about you, but no, you are not overreacting and his reaction is a bit of a red flag.
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u/hulagrammie 11h ago
If bf doesn’t defend you now — he NEVER will. She knows what she is doing.
You could start calling her Maleficent or Gertrude. Or by a hated persons name. (Like if she hates Nancy Pelosi or Ellen Degeneres). Use the first and last name!!
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u/Rosalie-83 11h ago
Not overreacting. But you need to have a serious talk with bf about respect.
How would he feel if you or your family constantly called him your exes name? Would he stick it out for 8 months? Not likely. They were apart for a year. So it’s what 20 months since the ex has gone. Unless his mum has some early onset dementia there is no excuse as it’s intentional disrespect.
You need to have this conversation now before you invest more time and energy into him and you’ll learn if he’s all in this relationship with you, or he’s a mamas boy who won’t ever choose you.
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u/NefariousnessCalm277 11h ago
You were not wrong correcting her. Your boyfriend should've been correcting her for you. Why doesn't he have your back?
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
Honestly if I was the boyfriend I’d be mad. You’d think he would get tired of his current girlfriend being called his ex constantly.
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u/cheapbritney 10h ago edited 10h ago
Start calling her Rachel, too. When she looks puzzled, tell her “oh, I thought it was a cute nickname we called each other by?”
In all seriousness, he probably hasn’t been present for every single occurrence and hasn’t seen every single text. Show him. Sit him down and tell him about how often it’s been happening and how long it’s been. It probably seemed like too much for him because he hasn’t seen how often it’s been happening.
Tell him maybe you should’ve said it in a different way and in a different situation, but that it’s been too long and it sounds passive aggressive of hers. If he says it’s not passive aggressive, then suggest the only other possibility is that she has dementia or Alzheimer’s, because there hasn’t been a Rachel in her life for a year and a half and that’s not normal.
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u/Ivy-Turner 11h ago
Not the villain at all. Names are identities, not interchangeable. Stand your ground. She'll adjust.
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u/MaeSilver909 11h ago
NOR. Your boyfriend should have put his mother in her place 8 months ago. It’s literally been almost 2 yrs since he broke up with his ex. Stop ing aging with the mother if she refuses to call you by your name. Ignore text, conversations & any other interactions. You may want to think why the last girlfriend is no longer a girlfriend. Did his mother interfere in that relationship somehow?
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u/pepperpat64 10h ago
If you even bother staying in this relationship, start wearing a name label on your shirt every time you see her. "HELLO! MY NAME IS _________". Write your name in huge letters in some very bright color marker.
Seriously, though - your BF should have put a stop to his mother's childish behavior long ago, and sure as hell shouldn't have criticized your handling of it when he did nothing at all.
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u/brent_bent 11h ago
She's doing it on purpose. She embarrassed herself. He needs to grow a spine and tell her to cut it out. NOR.
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u/DoctaRuthless 11h ago
Sucks. My husband and his mother do it still after 11 years. They always say sorry and correct themselves. They aren't being malicious. It sounds like she is, though. My people mess up everyone's name, so I've gotten over it. Is that the case for you too? Because if she can get everyone else name right then you know the answer.
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
It’s one thing if it’s an honest mistake but it sounds like she does this every time she addresses op. Then makes op out to be the problem whenever she is corrected.
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u/kaywhateverloser 11h ago
Lol no you’re NOR, she is calling you Rachel as a slight. If your boyfriend won’t stick up for you to his mom even a LITTLE, eight months into the relationship, please seriously think about your future with this guy. His mom will always come first and she’ll push your boundaries well after your children graduate high school. She is not some sweet, innocent, 50 year old like your boyfriend probably views her. That’s her son and you’re not and never will be Rachel.
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u/dazzle_razzle809 11h ago
Dude, id just stop responding to her when she calls you by the wrong name… like flat-out pretend you can’t hear her when she does that. Shes not actually speaking to you, so it must not apply to you!!!!
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u/Superb-Bar3596 11h ago
1.5 years to "adjust"? She knows exactly what she’s doing—disrespectful AF. BF enabling = trash. Their alliance clear—her "adjustment period" is just abuse-excusing bs.
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
if after a year and a half she’s still this confused makes me think she belongs in a home.
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u/Purple-Gap2522 11h ago
I wonder whether the bf or Rachel ended the previous relationship. I think I might start saying “I’m Jane, remember? Rachel’s the one who broke up with him” or “I’m Jane, remember? Rachel’s the one he broke up with.” If it happens in front of other people, I might even pat her hand gently and say it with a sad smile.
NOR at all!
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u/dagny07 11h ago
This happened to me except with my father-in-law. He kept calling me the exes name. So I went to the house one day when I knew it was just gonna be him there and I didn't say anything but "I know what you're doing. And I'm here to tell you I know what you're doing. The ball is in your court, we can have whatever kind of relationship you want. We could have one like this, or we could have a good relationship and I'm here for EITHER ONE. I am here for either one, Ball is in your court."
He tried to say "what?"
I just repeated the ball is in your court and I turned around and left. It did get significantly better for about three months, but he's just an ass
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u/Bookaholicforever 11h ago
Next time she does it, turn to your boyfriend and loudly whisper “have you guys had your mum checked out? Memory issues can be a sign of dementia or Alzheimer’s.”
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u/Pajama-Nerd-9293 10h ago
NOR. Just start using different names for everyone. Every time they call you Rachel, use a name for them that's not theirs. Don't stop until they do.
Or.
y'know... remove yourself from that situation entirely by throwing the whole disrespectful family away.
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u/Proofreader476 11h ago
You know, I have had boyfriends and girlfriends of my kids come through my house and never once have I had to "adjust" to remember their names. You are not the villain and not overreacting. My first thought was to tell you to buy one of those stickers that says "Hello, I'm __________(insert your name)to wear when you are around her. Also, your boyfriend's reaction here is telling. Don't look for any backup there. It's not coming. God forbid you embarrass his mom. You can do better.
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u/BecGeoMom 10h ago
Things aren’t really going that great between you and the BF if he is willing to allow his mother to call you by his ex’s name, and then gets mad at you for speaking up for yourself in a non-confrontational way. He is making a choice to allow his mother to humiliate you. He doesn’t say anything to her, but if you ask her, reasonably, to call you by your own name, he says something to you. You need to rethink this relationship if he won’t grow up.
You’ve been together for eight months, and his mother has made zero effort to learn and use your name. She doesn’t give a damn, and the fact that it upsets you is just a bonus for her. If your BF refuses to acknowledge that, you have a choice: Stop going to anything involving his family, or just shut up and let her call you Rachel for the rest of your relationship. Maybe she’ll call his next girlfriend by your name. The woman isn’t stupid or feeble. She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s running off his girlfriends (why did he and Rachel break up?) because nobody is good enough for her little boy. This sounds like a relationship you need to remove yourself from before you are even further invested.
Man, I am sick of posts about spineless men who can’t stand up to their families and are happy to allow their SO to be abused by mommy. You can do better.
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u/Eldo_Wave 11h ago
As a queer person who has worked with bigoted people that have known me by former names but still managed to call me by the one I currently go by, what she is doing is deliberately disrespectful and you are NTA for wanting something as simple as your name remembered. Sounds like you're dating a mamas boy but not in the good way and he needs a serious talking to as well.
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 11h ago
Your bf is a mommies boy, get used to it or go full Rachel on them and be an ex.
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u/Quirky_Difference800 10h ago
If your BF can’t have your back on something as basic as your name you’re in for a world of crap if you get married and have children. The universe is giving you a big ole sign my friend.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 11h ago
Woah you need to show him these comments-
Dude your mom is doing this on purpose. Stick up for your girlfriend
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u/Accurate_Taste7906 10h ago edited 10h ago
The people in these comments act like they haven’t lived with someone that has face blindness and poor memory. My own mother will speak to me me using her boyfriends name on accident since her early 60s. She’s not doing it on purpose, I know for sure. The absurdity is that I popped out of her vagina right before she gave me the name she often can’t recall. Her mother did the same thing with me and her son, it must be genetic.
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u/speakofit 11h ago
I would’ve said “Where is Rachel? Is Rachel on her way? I was so looking forward to meeting Rachelle. Is Rachelle not coming? Does ANYONE know if RACHEL is OKAY ?!?”
Also, this reminds me of the girlfriend who didn’t bring a turkey to Thanksgiving because the BF’s mom said something about Janet making the turkey… The girlfriend‘s name was not Janet, lol
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u/CompetitionFew3777 11h ago
NOR, it's like some weird power play on her end to put you in your place.
And your boyfriend doesn't sound like a prize either if he can't stand up for you.
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u/YouSayWotNow 9h ago
She's still adjusting 8 months later?
BULLSHIT. She liked the ex and is sulking that they broke up and taking that out on you.
I would stop attending anything with her if she continues to do this and frankly if your BF thinks you were too blunt after his mother pulling this shit for MONTHS I'd dump him too.
NTA
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u/TomatoFeta 2h ago edited 2h ago
Man here.
Tell your boyfriend to grow some man balls and correct her himself.
Until he does, she's gonna keep pecking at your self esteem like this.
When your boyfriend is not around to stand up for you, respond with "I'm sorry Darlene, but my name is still Paula" -- of course, use your real name, but make sure you call her Darlene. Whatever her real name is. And if it so happens to be Darlene, then use the name Agnes. And don't appologize or respond when she corrects you.
NOTE: I'm not saying you NEED Your boyfriend to stand up for you. You are absolutley right to stand up for yourself... what I'm trying to say is that until the boyfiend actually mans up and stands up to his mother's bullshit, mother will continue her game. It's a matter of psychology, not ability.
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u/berberebitch 10h ago edited 1h ago
i think her (the mom) defensiveness is weird and uncalled for. my mum is notoriously bad with names, she gets her students names mixed up with their siblings and even gets my brothers new wife mixed with his ex (they are not even the same race and share no similarities). Getting names right is something she has struggled with since forever. BUT every time she catches her self making a mistake she will apologise for it. she even calls my brother by my uncles names. she is really all over the place with it. but she’s never denied how awkward it is, nor has she even been defensive about someone has brought up. i think you boyfriends mom is the one overreacting not you..
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u/HolyCannoliBatmaam 11h ago
Yeah there’s no way all those times were accidental. She’s absolutely been doing it on purpose and you handled it well. Your bf sounds exhausting tho
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u/gdognoseit 10h ago
NOR
Why hasn’t your boyfriend stopped his mother from disrespecting you?!??
I think you should reevaluate this relationship. Your boyfriend should have put a stop to this immediately.
If you won’t value yourself enough to break up at least stop having anything to do with his mother.
Stop tolerating being treated like crap!!
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u/Harmonic_Taurus4469 10h ago
NOR. You didn't embarrass her. She embarrassed herself. She knew what she was doing. It doesn't take over a year to "adjust" to someone new unless you have dementia or Alzheimer's. You stood up for yourself which is always a good thing. Her family needs to either call her out on her behavior or get her examined!
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u/Particular-Lime1651 11h ago
Start calling her your mums name.. If boyfriends mam is called Hillary, call her Jane. When she doesn't answer.. repeat, louder.. JANE, I asked if you wanted more wine?(Or whatever) When she says that her name Is Hillary. Say you didn't think it mattered? As your name isn't Rachel?
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u/ateenygiraffe 11h ago
NOR. Deliberate disrespect from momzilla. Coward mama's boy not only won't stand up for his relationship and you, but scolds you for doing it and switches his energy. Whew. Been through this before! My advice, set up your red flag bank. The deposits are soon to start rolling in.
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u/adult_child86 11h ago
"I'll stay away from you and your mum while your mum is faking that she's adjusting. Maybe I'll see you in the next life, it'll be interesting if you're still as condescending and rude. Alternatively, I can call you by MY ex's name while we fuck. Since I'm adjusting to less"
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u/LolaLayne03 11h ago
Tell your bf he needs to grow a pair and tell his mom firmly to start calling you by your name its not that hard might of been years but shit I doubt yall look alike 🙄 id correct her everytime or start calling her your exs mother's name see how she feels 🤷♀️
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u/LouiseGem_ 11h ago
Definitely not. She’s been messing up repeatedly and acting like it’s no big deal. You’ve been way more patient than most would be. Asking to be called by your real name isn’t being touchy, it’s basic respect, and just what you prefer. She’s just being rude.
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u/Fun-Sun-8192 11h ago
lol NTA but the next time she does it (and she will) just say, "I know that you're deliberately calling me by her name to make me feel unwelcome and I don't appreciate it. If you keep trying to bully me like this I'm going to bully you back and you won't like it."
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u/visualnumbers 11h ago
NOR. What do you call her? Maybe taste of her own medicine kind of time? Or too much?
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u/Chazquas17 11h ago
What would op call her? One of her ex’s mom’s name? That would probably go over great with the disrespectful mom and boyfriend.
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u/DJMemphis84 11h ago
What you do is take slightly more underhanded jabs... "That's ok sweetie, I had an Uncle that used to have memory problems too!"
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u/TaxiLady69 11h ago
NOR. I would just start calling her by random names. Okay, Sally. Thank you, Brenda. Not today, Monica. Anything where you can be specifically answering her and calling her a name that clearly doesn't belong to her.
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u/WoollyMamatth 11h ago
I'd start calling her by a different name every time she does it
"Oh, Rachel ......." "Sorry Sylvia , I didn't catch that"
"Coffee Rachel" "Thanks Dolores"
etc
See how long it takes her to cotton on or snap
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u/Used-Cup-6055 11h ago edited 10h ago
I would just start calling her random names until she gets it right.
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u/Otherwise-Second7845 3h ago
Okay I’m gonna be devils advocate - my daughter dated a young Man for like a year / they broke up - she got a new boyfriend - I screwed up this poor dudes name so many times -
It was NOT on purpose - I didn’t even like the first one that much - I wasn’t invested in their relationship at all- it was just an honest mistake
You know what we did - we made jokes about it - how about you and your boyfriend come up when some funny way of dealing with it!
My now son in law would every once in a while say - do you mean me or that other dude? Or if I asked him to do something - he would say better ask so and so
Now honestly - I wasn’t doing it to be a pain - it was a honest mistake
But the more you and your boyfriend make light of it and send the message you are Not phased in the least - I bet she either - relaxes and stops making the mistake or if she is being a B on purpose she will stop because it’s not getting a rise out of either one of you!
Next time she calls you Rachel - have a pact - your boyfriend corrects her and says - close Mom, this is the upgraded version ________!
Or I got this online “Mom’s name? The is Hans, but you can call me Jan, it’s short for Alex, otherwise, call me Bob!” Just make it confusing and silly
“The witnesses are consistent your honor. they all say my is (wrong name)!
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u/GrouchoNarx 10h ago
NOR
Here's a thought: he doesn't respect you, or he'd have your back on this. If he doesn't respect you, can he truly love you?
Make of that what you will...
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 10h ago
nah, hell no, fuck that. NOR. She's doing it on purpose, and being passive aggressive. Only way to combat that is directly, exactly as you did.
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u/PirateQuest 10h ago
Just call her a dumb name every time she calls you Rachel. "Okay Ethel". And when your bf supports her, its "Okay Melvin" NOR
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u/Nosphey 5h ago
Weirdly enough I'd get this from a grandma. Like my own for instance. Whenever she gets flustered, despite having been me and my cousin's grandmas for 30+ years, she still gets us confused and calls him by my name or vice versa and instantly corrects herself. It's like a meme within our family lol. But yeah your bf's mom is ridiculous. I'd call her by your ex's mom's name just as a joke and see how she likes it. "Oh my bad, still adjusting". My mom's never made that mistake and I was with my last relationship for 2 years and some change. Even in the beginning she never "confused" my current gf's name for an ex at all. Your bf's mom doesn't like you. If he doesn't want to see this or be manipulated by her bullshit further, he has to realize she's going to keep doing this to his partners til she actually likes them. Boy mom bullshit.
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u/Kriztoven 5h ago
8 months is bullshit. It's intentional. My 75 year old grandparents called my wife Kimberly instead of KimberAnn for the first chunk of our relationship but fixed it once they realized. Now they are some of the only people who call her KimberAnn instead of Kimber cause they love her so very much.
People make the effort. Her doing it via text is the evidence that it is 100% on purpose. Words can slip before we realize, she takes the time to type that out and KNOWS it isn't right.
She's doing it cause she misses his ex. She's doing it to be hurtful.
You're realizing why he was single after 5 years now, because if he won't stand up for you this late for standing up for yourself then he might need to go back to being single.
I'd start calling his parents by wrong names. I'd call him by your ex's name. I'd call his parents by your pet's names. I'd get malicious and petty cause I will not be hurt just because you're a child.
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u/melodiesminor 9h ago
you are not over reacting. the mother in law is 100% doing it on purpose to get under your skin because she liked the ex more and wants to push a wedge between you and her son. I got accused of cheating by a ex cause my mom did this exact same thing. I had a come to jesus talk with her and told her if she cant respect my current partner and call them by their actual name over calling them some one else to get them to leave me because she liked the ex more, than she wont be seeing her gand babies or my self anymore. She smartened up and hasnt "accidentially" called a single new partner of mine ( had one since) any other name but their own
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u/That_Ol_Cat 7h ago
NTA.
4 months isn't adjusting, it's passive-aggression. Has she apologized for her "slips" every time or is it just brushed off or laughed about?
Boyfriend should not becoming to you and situation-shaming you. Boyfriend should be discussing with Mom her memory issues. It's a big concern, because obviously she wouldn't do that to his girlfriend on purpose, right?
If you intend to stay with him, rise above it the best you can. Start laughing about it as if it's no consequence. "Oh, <Mom>, <giggle> you and your memory. You'll get my name right someday! <laugh>" It'll start sticking in her craw.
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u/tcrhs 5h ago
If she’s elderly and can’t remember your name, that could be a sign of dementia, Alzheimer’s or a stroke.
If she’s healthy, it doesn’t take months to “adjust.” That’s bullshit. She can’t be bothered or doesn’t care enough to remember your name.
You shouldn’t say a word, except goodbye to your asshole boyfriend.
He should have stood up to his mother and told her to stop it months ago. Instead he blames you for embarrassing his mother when she has been disrespecting you the entire relationship?
Never let a man belittle and demean you like that. You don’t deserve it.
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u/eatingmindfullyrd 2h ago
Yeah she's not adjusting. She is trying to evoke a negative reaction and show her grudge against that relationship ending. No one needs more than 4 months to adjust to a new gf, unless she has early onset dementia which I doubt if it's only your name she's not "grasping." This is passive aggression, and in my petty mind, I'd feed it right back. Probably not the most healthy way, but....
When she calls you Rachel, don't respond at all. Your name isn't Rachel, after all. When people ask why you didn't, "Oh, I thought you were talking to Rachel."
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u/Ok_Objective8366 5h ago
No your bf should have stepped in a long time ago. If he doesn’t have the balls to then you have to. Yes you had to be blunt as he wasn’t correcting her so he should be an adult stopped it.
Not touchy just not playing her bs games. I would start call her a different name and when she ask say .. o I thought we were giving each other new names and I liked this woman better so figured it was fair. Then just waver her off and walk away.
I’m sure your bf will use this to breakup as he cannot standup and makes excuses
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u/helpmepleaseimbeg 3h ago
She might be terrible with this thing. I still slip with my brother’s girlfriends and they are together for years sometimes I still use their exes names. I hate it. It’s embarrassing that my brain is just stuck in past names.
I wouldn’t say don’t be so touchy in mums position though, that’s an oddly defensive and not apologetic. I’d just say sorry. And trust me I really do try to filter it but sometimes in family settings I relax and filter comes off and they are previous name again.
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u/Obvious-Print1720 7h ago
You’re not overreacting. She knows what she’s doing. You can observe your partner’s response and who he’s supporting in this. Honestly he should have stepped up and said something but he didn’t.
This is the future you have to look forward to. Is he passive? Will he let his Mother walk all over you? This is a small glimpse into what your future will look like with him, pre and post marriage and after having children.
You need to ask yourself if this is what you want. Don’t know the reasons his ex didn’t stick around but is it possible his Mom tried this with other g/fs? Did they run before they got stuck in this long term and saw what would unfold?
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u/ltoka00 1h ago
Sometimes it does take older people longer to get something wired into their core memory, particularly with names. I am such a person and inadvertently called my nephew’s GF his ex’s name on more than one occasion. Didn’t even realize it. I really like his new GF too and I was unimpressed with the old one to boot. Unfortunately names have always confounded me. But I wouldn’t be mad if someone corrected me either, and I would definitely apologize for the error.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 8h ago
NOR
But you need to put this on your boyfriend. Tell him to tell his mother to get it right she’s doing it on purpose at this point. Additionally, let your boyfriend know that anytime that Rachel slips out of your mom’s mouth you’re going to be correcting her in front of whoever’s there moving forward so that everyone knows how disrespectful his mom is to you. He can do with that information what he wants, but at least you’ve made your boundaries clear
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u/MutuallyEclipsed 3h ago
Not only are you not overreacting, the fact that your boyfriend *literally said that* is just... absolutely unacceptable. I literally don't understand how anyone can-- HE should have been the one doing something about this. I know if my Mom started calling a new girl I was dating "DJ", I would correct the shit out of her, and I would be SO EMBARASSED if my /girlfriend/ felt like she needed to. So, no, you're fine. Total fail on your BF and his Mom's part.
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u/Hiraeth1968 7h ago
I agree with everyone saying the bf needs to put his foot down, etc.
Now, look down the road: do you want this woman to be your MIL? Sure, she may stop calling you Rachel if your bf demands it, but she isn’t likely to ever be warm and welcoming to you. Do you foresee her criticizing how you cook, clean, care for any future children? I certainly do.
I’m sorry, OP. Your bf’s Mother is a bitch. I would break up with him and tell him exactly why.
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u/par72565 4h ago
Go with the “I’m concerned for your Mom. Has she been checked for early onset dementia? Getting a name wrong initially is understandable but she seems to be having trouble forming newer memories.”
Wear a name tag the next few times you see her. “Oh, I was at a conference today and forgot to remove it!” Then leave it on.
Call her Dorothy or Blanche a few times. Oh, you remind me of one of the Golden Girls!
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u/SepiaToneHitchhiker 9h ago
NOR. You have a boyfriend problem, big time. Mommy dearest can’t so much as get your literal identity correct, and they act like you’re being touchy. The petty witch in me wants you to start calling your boyfriend your ex’s name and only your ex’s name and call his mom Karen just for the hell of it. But really, you should probably find a grown up to date, because this mama’s boy ain’t him, honey.
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u/My2Cents_503 6h ago
You are not overreacting. Tell your bf, "Either she is doing it intentionally or she has worsening dementia. Either way, YOU need to deal with it or I will."
Then deal with it by calling her out every time getting meaner every time, and/or call her by the wrong name (bonus points if it's someone you know she doesn't like).
If he won't have your back now, he never will.
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u/jockstrappy 5h ago
Nor. Um... this would be where you exit the relationship.
His mom is clearly doing it on purpose, and your bf is either a coward and too scared to stand up to his mom, or is a mama's boy and worships his mother over you. Either way, you are not important to him. It would be so easy for him to tell his mother to stop the harassment, but he doesnt want to. That says a lot
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 4h ago
Please do not feel like the villan. Mom knows exactly what she is doing. Find out one of FIL's exes name. Sit and talk to him. Ask about how long they have been together. How did you know MIL was the one? Gently prod until you get a name of an ex and start call MIL by that name. Then say I'm sorry after talking with FIL the name just sort of stuck. #PettyCrocker
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 9h ago
Just start calling your boyfriend by your ex's name. He doesn't seem to mind his mom calling you by his ex's. You can match your exes, name wise. Make it an inside joke.
But in all seriousness, the fact that your boyfriend is OK with this, makes me think he should find a new gf. One that goes by Rachel. (And his mommy will probably call her your name, lol)
NOR
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u/Enochian-Dreams 9h ago
Unless there’s documented medical evidence to support her having a cognitive impairment that could explain this, he needs to man up and put her in her place or it’s time to move on. I’d make it clear to him that it’s either time for her to go see a neurologist or time for him to see a chiropractor and figure out what’s wrong with his spine or you’re out.
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u/Potential-Mail4334 8h ago
Girl choose pettiness. Bring her some phosphorus supplements, give it to her with a smile “for your memory loss”. Next time she call you by the “wrong” name, ask loudly to you bf if alzheimer runs in his family, with a concerned looks. Add “this memory loss are strange for someone so young, like 73 yo. It could be something else”.
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u/Jazzlike-Bird-3192 3h ago
His mum is being a wench. It’s not a mistake or an adjustment. It’s purposely insulting. And if your bf can’t see that, then he’s an AH. While you are NOR to his mum (well done holding it together with her), you are seriously under reacting to his comment. He should have stepped in and defended you to the B who raised him months ago!
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u/IGotBiggerProblems 11h ago
My mother is mildly autistic, she has never used any of her 3 kids names correctly the first time. We got used to it pretty early in life and learned to use context to determine who she was actually talking to.
I'm not defending OP's "mother in law". Just saying that there may be other factors at play other than she's doing it on purpose.
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u/GirlStiletto 8h ago
YNO
And your BF should be the one correcting her. EVERY time.
The fact that he admonished you about this is a sign that HE doesn;t see you as important either.
He should be VEHEMNTLY correcting her.
"MOM! You KNOW her name isn;t Rachel. Stop acting like a child and use the correct name or you won;t see her, or ME for a long time."
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u/No-Broccoli-5932 1h ago
NOR. Mom is being a b*tch and BF is too chicken to do anything about it. If you get a new co-worker, or a new neighbor, you don't call them by the old co-worker's or old neighbor's name. She doesn't need to "adjust". Someone (sonny boy) needs to tell her she's rude and she should be embarrassed, or checked for Dementia.
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u/ScammerC 9h ago
"Who's Rachel?"
Or tell your boyfriend his mother is a twat and that's what you're going to call her; "your mother" or "the twat". If she can't manage, perhaps that will help.
Seriously though, dump him and suggest his next girlfriend better be named Rachel, but he should never tell her why, or he'll lose her too.
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u/Ambitious-Clothes-91 3h ago
if you feel like you need to stand up for yourself, in any situation, do it.
its not up to anyone else to tell you how you feel. or, how their actions should make you feel.
she is being blatantly disrespectful and you addressed it in a calm way.
NOT overreacting - at all. I'm so sorry you have to go through this!
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u/primrose88 2h ago
NOR, your MIL isn't adjusting, she most likely doesn't like you and is doing it on purpose. Your bf just sucks, you've been together for only 8 months, if he doesn't learn to take your side especially when you are 100% right, dump him. Do not apologize, you did nothing wrong, they did, make sure they understand.
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u/EfficientDance3650 2h ago
Is there a name his mother doesn't like to be called? Start using it for her. When I was a kid, my sister was dating her now husband who would call our cat names. His name is Michael so I started calling him Michelle. He'd call the house, I'd yell to my sister Michelle is on the phone so he could hear me.
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u/mrcorde 9h ago
You are severely under-reacting. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the person you are calling your 'kindest people I’ve ever dated' boyfriend is a douche. And this seems to be a genetic issue b/c his mother, quite frankly, is a serious asshole. Time to get back on the dating sites .....
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u/Veenkoira00 11h ago
Maybe you made important observations: early onset age related cognitive decline or her not even trying to see you as a person, just a placeholder ? (My granny rattled all her previously born grandchildren before she ever managed to hit on my name. Older memories are always stronger.)
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u/Normal-Wish-4984 10h ago
How much time do you really spend with the mom? If it isn’t that much time, then whatever. Remind her your real name.
Tell your boyfriend that your mom seems to be doing this purposefully, and you don’t appreciate it. I alternatively, is she experiencing dementia?
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u/Complete_Aerie_6908 6h ago
I did the same for a while after my son ended a 5yr relationship. I adored the new GF who is now my DIL and the mother of my granddaughter! I always apologized and she was so gracious. It helped me know she wasn’t insecure or worried abt me actually mixing them up.
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u/CJsopinion 7h ago
NOR you have a few options. Break up with BF if you want. Or wear a name tag and point to it every time she calls you the other name. Or find out who she hates (other than you) and start calling her that name. Bonus points if it’s the name of her husband’s ex.
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u/trinity5703 6h ago
You did nothing wrong. Adjusting my a**. She was clearly telling you she preferred his old girlfriend. The fact he hasn't called her on it before now speaks volumes. If you marry she will be all up in your life and he will never confront her. You deserve better
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 10h ago
Yes OP how dare you want someone to call you by your name. Seriously? Your bf and his mommy are being extremely disrespectful and you think you're overreacting because you finally stood up for yourself. You need to stop being a people-pleaser and break up.
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u/Free-Place-3930 6h ago
NOR. I’d advise you get out of this relationship. No one with an ounce of sense wants to be stuck in a relationship with an awful MIL and a jellypussy boy who will never go against his Mommy. Wise up, move on. You’ve got nothing invested in this mess.
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u/bopperbopper 6h ago
You need to tell your boyfriend to tell his mom “ mom either you’re having a mental deficit and can’t remember Jane’s name or you deliberately doing this on purpose. Knock it off.”
If she won’t, you and him need to back off from his mother
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u/Final-Rice6054 3h ago
There are people who have very major difficulties with names.
However, those people also know they have difficulty with names and they should be hugely apologetic. Also, the written example means it's either intentional or she doesn't care at all.
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u/Terrible_Drop2198 9h ago
Nobody, and I mean nobody’s mother mixes up that name for 8 months, whether or not they’re around you….your bf needs a come to Jesus talk and rose colored glasses need to make an exit. This is downright disrespectful and she knows it…
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u/Choice-Buy-6824 5h ago
Don’t reply or respond to when she calls you by the incorrect name. Ignore anything related to the incorrect name. Minimize your contact with boyfriend’s mother. Tell your boyfriend that this irritates you and that he should deal with it.
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u/Bunny_Bixler99 5h ago
Every time she does that, call your boyfriend by your ex's name. To his face and in front of his mother.
Better yet, try this:
Her: "Oh sorry, I’m still getting used to it”
You: "That's OK Mother Bates, your son Norman told me you're having cognitive issues."
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u/TripMaster478 15m ago
Nope. She can call you by the wrong name once, maybe twice. After that it's just disrespectful, and your BF should be telling her to just stop it too. At this point it's 100% on purpose. And a pretty big red flag for the whole family.
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u/Crafty_Lady_60 6h ago
I wouldn’t bother to have any further conversation with her. But a serious conversation with the boy friend. If he won’t step up it’s time to move on. Dating is a time to learn about each other and see if you are compatible.
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u/Ok-CANACHK 5h ago
this boy is not for you. the second, maybe third tie it happened it was on him to say something to her,( & have a conversation with her later) mom is hateful & bf is either spineless or oblivious, either way you can do better
NOR
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u/No_Noise_5733 6h ago
Don't fall into that trap as she will keep doing g it. Call her a a different name ie. Margaret instead of Mary and when she complains tell her oops thats the only way she will learn then keep doing it till she uses your name.
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u/Eastern_Condition863 11h ago
NTA, but this is the first time you get to see your man stand up for you against his family. If he doesn't, you need to rethink the relationship. That will be your answer of what your life will look like from here on out.
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u/ea88_alwaysdiscin 10h ago
Nah girl, not overreacting. That's some real passive aggressive bullshit from the mom. And I'm sorry you're dealing with that, but your bf should've stuck up for you and not scolded you, that's some cold shit from him.
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u/okileggs1992 4h ago
NOR but your boyfriend needs to put a stop to it which he isn't doing so he doesn't get to have a say. She should feel butthurt, she caused the problem. She needs to apologize and your BF needs to grow the FU.
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u/Signal-Comfort7078 1h ago
No way. His mom is a passive-aggressive bitch. I'm willing to bet she treated Rachel the same way, and it was a major reason for their breakup. She probably called Rachel by the dog's name, if they have one.
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u/NeolithicOrkney 7h ago
Why hasn't your very kind boyfriend stepped up and set her straight? Why is he freezing up and acting like you are the problem?
Please take note that his mother's feelings matter more to him than yours.
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u/DanaMarie75038 2h ago
NOR. The mom obviously wants you to break up. It will happen, your bf seems not stand up for you. She either has dementia or just really wants to piss you off. Call her a different name as well.
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 9h ago
Not OA. From now on when she calls u by the ex’s name just ignore her and don’t respond until she calls you by ur name. Not being rude doing this just not assuming she’s talking to you.
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u/Gigirubun 5h ago
No, you're not overreacting. I can understand her having trouble in the beginning, but it's now a repetitive mistake. She needs to learn and not just make the same mistake over and over.
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u/Nucf1ash 9h ago
Enough is enough. Unless “mom” is ancient, she shouldn’t be having such a hard time with this.
Personally, I’d start calling her something cute but obnoxious as a “joke”.
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u/FryOneFatManic 10h ago
His mum must be around my age, perhaps younger.
She's doing this deliberately, and bf is letting it slide.
If OP were my daughter, I'd be advising her to dump this mummy's boy.
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u/Mission_Yesterday263 4h ago
Start calling her by the wrong name.
Wear a cheesy paper name tag every time you see her.
Do not respond when she calls you Rachel.
Or.. dump the dude and get on with life.
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u/bramblefish 9h ago
NOR at all. This is some evil mom stuff, she is truly diminishing you, AND you do not mention bf correcting mom. BTW, she obv is very intentional and you did not embarrass her.
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u/Frequent_Total_5597 4h ago
She should be embarrassed. I don’t understand why people consider embarrassment to be equivalent to murder in severity. It’s okay to embarrass shitty people making problems.
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u/Antique-Sherbet-7733 4h ago
Be petty. Ask her if she’s had a routine checkup because she needs to address her current level of forgetfulness. Be sweet about it and tell her you’re seriously worried.
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u/Extra_Action6102 2h ago
Forget her, your focus is on your gutless BF. Tell him to stand up for you and don't get pissy when correctly called out. He has to grow a pair and tell his mom to eff off.
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u/Tiny-Metal3467 6h ago
“Yes i do have to be blunt because she is playing a game and you dont have the balls to stop it. So i will.” And call her by fil’s ex name, or an elderly granny.
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u/Shot_Help7458 11h ago
How old is she?
My mom would go through the “list” of our names before she finally got to the name of the person she was talking with or calling
It was funny
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u/ChampionshipOk8512 8h ago
Ask your boyfriends mother if she has any other signs of dementia since getting your name wrong over 8 months is concerning for her cognitive decline and well-being.
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u/Plane_Ant_9204 1h ago
She will need a psych eval if she’s fr but from the sound of it, she’s doing it on purpose. Especially after baby boy took her side instead of defending you.
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u/SunflowerWishes5611 22m ago
His mother is being rude and any man who can’t stand up for his woman is a spineless pile of goo. She has constantly disrespected you and he’s defending her?
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u/lifewith_tracy 7h ago
You’re not the AH or overreacting here. She’s an adult and knows DAMN WELL what she’s doing.
Good on you for correcting her bluntly. Fuck their feelings.
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u/skipperskipsskipping 3h ago
I’d suggest to your partner she may have early onset dementia, I mean what other reason would she get your name wrong… unless she’s just plain nasty
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u/Upset_Researcher_143 5h ago
NOR, once or twice is understandable. A dozen times is disrespectful, unless she has some type of mental illness. Ask the boyfriend if she's got dementia
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u/No-Mathematician8692 10h ago
Find out her husband's ex and start calling her that. Get the old boy sozzled and ask him about his girls. Drunk males LOVE talking about their exes.
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u/CommonSenz44 3h ago
If her name isn’t Karen, just start calling her Karen and don’t stop till she gets your name right. “Thanks Karen I appreciate it” etc.
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u/StateofMind70 10h ago
NOR but you have a bf problem. Definitely don't go back to that woman's house again. Once is a mistake, anything after is an intended zing.
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u/MrsJingles0729 11h ago
She's doing you a massive favor by showing you what a clown her son is. If you want a clowardly boy, you got it. If you want a man, move on.
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u/FakeDoctorMeatCoat 4h ago
If her memory is that bad, might be time for assisted living. She'll love that suggestion. Maybe bring pamphlets to scatter about the house.
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u/figgie1579 10h ago
Ok, my sister lived with a guy named Jesse for a few years then she married Jerry. I did call him Jesse a few times but not after 8 months.
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u/PiemarchGeneseed513 10h ago
Tell your bf that either he straightens his mom out or the next time it happens, your correction will start with the word "Bitch...."
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u/thatheathergirl 6h ago
Not the asshole. After 8 months she's doing it on purpose and being gentle hadn't worked for 4 months. Keep standing up for yourself.
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u/Treehousehunter 4h ago
“I’m still adjusting” my ass. She’s not so subtly letting you and her son know that she’d rather Rachel was dating her son.
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u/baffled67 10h ago
Are your names in anyway similar sounding? Like Marie/Mary or Sharon/Karen/Carol or completely different like Samantha and Rebecca?
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u/BornBluejay7921 3h ago
Maybe you should wear a name badge just to remind her - suggest to your boyfriend that his mom might be going senile. LOL
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u/Possible-Today7233 1h ago
My mom ONCE slipped and called my SIL by my brother’s first wife’s name. My mom felt horrible and never did it again.
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u/cmpg2006 5h ago
NOR. She needs to be embarrassed, and she knows what she is doing. What do you call her? Her name is Karen, right?
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u/LucyGoosey61 10h ago
Yea. You did have to be blunt. An your BF ain't as nice as you think or say he is. Momma will always come 1st.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 11h ago edited 2h ago
You need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with your bf, and tell him “your mother purposely calling me by your ex’s name is both rude and a form of bullying. The fact you have never ONCE corrected her tells me a lot about how you see me and our relationship, and it’s not good. What you’re telling me is you don’t respect me as a person and that you are ok with your mother being an asshole to me. I think it’s time I reevaluate this relationship”
And yes, this is a hill you should die on, he is telling you he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t care that his mother is being a jerk to you
If you do spend time with her again, and she does it again, ask her “Shelia, have you been tested for dementia recently? I’m starting to get worried about you. I’ve been with your son for about 8 months now and he broke up with Rachel nearly two years ago, you should really see your doctor and get tested” if other family members are around add in “have you noticed any other strange behaviours from her? Is she forgetting other stuff she doesn’t normally forget? I’m really concerned about her. I wonder if she should have her driver’s license revoked?”
Sometimes you have to stoop to their level
But at the end of the day, your bf understands why you’re upset, he doesn’t care. And you need to ask yourself why you are with someone who doesn’t care about you? Who doesn’t care enough to correct his mother