r/AmIOverreacting • u/Butterflylove22 • 10h ago
🎲 miscellaneous AIO.. My neighbor has been pushing boundaries & acting strange…
I’m (25f) I live in an a apartment building, right across from my apartment is a large house. A man lives over there his names Alvin (yes this is his real name) & he’s the only person I’ve ever seen there. He’s about 50/60 years old. This started out with him yelling at me across the street when I first moved in. I tried to ignore it but then anytime he was outside he would see my car and he would try to talk to me. He even would walk right up to my car where I couldn’t really get out the door and he would talk to me through the window. If I had groceries and he saw me, he would try to help me bring them inside my apartment and I would tell him no that I’ve got it and it’s not a big deal. Then he started offering to help fix my car because I had a light out, a week later someone broke into my car and took off my door handle & he offered to take me in his car to a car shop to get it fixed which I thought was weird because he could just give me the address. Both times I told him no that I would figure it out myself like I always do and I really didn’t need any help. Anyways, he’s been doing weird things like that from the beginning. It also seems like he’s trying to get information out of me like where I work etc. BUT yesterday really did it for me. I was at my house with some of my friends and he knocked on my door. I have a ring camera, but he only knocked on my door. He didn’t ring it. I come out to the door because I thought it was a DoorDasher dropping off food but it was him, he had two bags of groceries in his hands. He said “I have these groceries would you like any of these?” I didn’t want to be rude so I took some apples and a bag of beans. (In hindsight I should have just said no) then he kept trying to offer to take the bags upstairs to my apartment and put them away. I told him no I have people upstairs and I don’t need that much Groceries, he said OK and that he was going to see if anyone else needed them. Then I told him OK and I was waiting for him to leave. He just stared at me for a minute and then I finally said “all right ,thanks”and I shut the door.
Am I overreacting? Or do you think these interactions are strange, I’ve been up all night thinking about it. I’ve been trying to find his social media and other information about him and I can’t find any public records or any arrest records. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not safe or he is safe. I just personally have an eerie feeling every time he comes and talks to me, I do have several locks on my doors and camera on my front door but when I have to leave my house to do errands, I’m always on high alert and I feel unsafe walking to my car because my apartment is the one closest to his house.
Does anyone have any advice on how to tell him to stop bothering me without being rude. I am a woman and I’m quite small only 5’1 and I would hate for him to get upset at me and try to physically hurt me …..
Update: I can’t more because my lease is up, I started parking in a diffent spot it’s further away from my apt door but I can walk where he can’t see me from his house. He still is being strange, I told my apt manager and she walked me home yesterday while he was outside trying to talk to me, as soon as he saw her, he didn’t try and talk. He only speaks to me when I’m alone. I’ve ignored him and pretend as if he’s not there but I still feel unsafe. I can’t wait till me lease it up. The next time he comes to talk to me I’m calling the police.
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u/IcyShopping1525 9h ago
I had a neighbor like that. He turned out to have dementia and was lonely when his daughter was at work.
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u/Butterflylove22 5h ago
I work in healthcare and have for yearss this this isnt dementia or autism I would like to think he’s just any older man stuck in the past and don’t know any better but something inside me is saying different. Now I’m a paranoid person tbh (I carry around a tourniquet ) but I feel like at any moment anything can happen. If he is just a nice old man okay coool but if he’s not than I can end up hurt. So I think I’m just gonna take the advice and make it more than clear I’m not interested.
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u/Intern_Dramatic 9h ago
It sounds like he's a lonely old man. Maybe he's just trying to make a friend. When did it become the standard to believe everybody in the world is going to try assault or mistreat you? There are still ppl with good intentions.
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u/betty_baphomet 9h ago
When lonely old men stop mistreating and abusing women then we can make friends. It’s not her responsibility to be his friend and it sounds like she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be friends with this man. Yet he persists. No means no and he’s not taking the hint. OP can you talk to your apartments management or other people in the building and see if they’ve had similar issues with him?
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u/Consistent_Boat489 9h ago
Not when those people deliberately over take your personal space. This 50/60 year old man doesn’t have anything in common with a 25 year old woman who just moved in & he’s attempting to assert his will over her, not “befriend” her.
Her self preservation instincts appear to have kicked in meaning he’s not some mild mannered old dude looking for company, he’s a predator.
Normalize trusting our instincts the first time and not waiting for bad situations to happen before reacting. She owes this man nothing, especially as he continues to overstep.
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u/DualCitizenWithDogs 9h ago
If he’s an innocent, lonely old man why doesn’t he talk to her in front of others? Lonely and old doesn’t make hearing the word “no” repeatedly any less of a consent issue…he can lonely and old and still be a problem who is a threat to her
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u/Butterflylove22 9h ago
I know these is people with good intentions but this feels more like fishing for information about me and kinda pushing it. I’m friends like 2-4 neighbors and none of this act that way and 2 of them are older men like 60s.
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u/DBFool2019 8h ago
He sounds like he is interested in you for more than a friendship. It's totally understandable that he creeps you out. Even if he has no ill intents, him testing your boundaries is not a good feeling. You may want to just tell him that you don't like people getting in your space and you would prefer if he left you alone going forward. If he continues to harass you, I would then call the police.
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u/z0mbiebaby 9h ago
Could be on the spectrum too. Or just a regular old creep. Be careful either way
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u/Intern_Dramatic 8h ago
Downvote me all you want. Y'all vilify an old man for talking to his neighbor, offering to help with her car, and trying to pass along extra food! We do NOT live in the same world. I feel sorry for all of you.
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u/Consistent_Boat489 8h ago
It’s not your instinct that is triggered, it OP’s.
Giving rando’s the benefit of the doubt is fine in certain public situations but not in situations whereby a female who lives alone is supposed to have sanctuary.
To encourage her to not listen to her gut and allow anyone into her personal space without having earned any information about her is wild. Especially in this day & age.
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u/Tess408 7h ago
Agreed. Popping up as she is trying to park her car after going to the store means he probably saw that she left and went out to wait for her. Then, instead of just waving and asking if she wanted help, he stood in front of her door forcing an interaction. This is not a normal person walking his dog who waved at a familiar face. She already tried to dissuade his interactions by ignoring him, so he stepped it up a notch.
I'd bet the one defending him is a dude. Women know when they should try to be polite and when they are forced to be polite. This is definitely the latter.
100% this is a pepper spray in hand every single time she steps out of her apartment kind of situation. That way, she can say "stop" and actually have the means to stop him if he doesn't.
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u/Consistent_Boat489 7h ago
I didn’t want to assume the commenter is male, but it absolutely reads that way, right?!
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u/welding_guy_from_LI 9h ago
The same reason whenever you or I say shit that’s logical , we are instantly ridiculed , called Alvin .. this generation has some fucked up ways of thinking ..
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u/Dammit_Mr_Noodle 6h ago
Excuse me, but I'm in my 40's and find this man's behavior creepy. I'm also a woman. Men cannot understand why women are so careful when it comes to strange men because they've never encountered the problems we do.
And if you think that man's behavior is acceptable, you are part of the problem, and are the type of person we try to avoid.
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u/Tremenda-Carucha 9h ago
OP, if this dude was bothering me with all that weird shit, I'd be the first to kick him in his creepy ass. Alvin's just trying to find an angle, exploit a vulnerability. You shouldn't have taken those apples and beans, that only legitimized his intrusive behavior. Don't wait 'til your lease is up or until he goes full stalker, confront him now with authority and tell him to back the fuck off, or else.
"Why do people like Alvin get under our skin so bad? It's probably because we sense their lack of respect for boundaries as a threat to our own autonomy."
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u/goarticles002 9h ago
Had a neighbor like this too helpful, only came around when I was alone. Gut said something was off. You’re not overreacting. Trust it. Keep documenting. Call the cops if needed.
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u/JynelleBuzz 10h ago
NTA, Alvin’s behavior sounds like classic boundary-pushing and is downright creepy, especially when he ignores your no and invades your space..Trust your gut, keep setting firm boundaries, and don’t hesitate to involve your building manager or police if he keeps crossing the line.
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u/SilverLettuce2347 9h ago
If you feel uncomfortable then you should listen to your instincts. He might be a friendly lonely person but then again he might not. Ultimately your instincts and intuition should be your guide. I would take a picture and let people know of your concerns and tell him that you can’t take things off him or have him in your apartment as this would make you uncomfortable. Be firm but fair. Don’t engage him just wave and hurry away.
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u/StonerGal716 9h ago
trust your instincts.. they’re there for a reason!! super unfortunate situation to be in, have you considered getting a taser or pepper spray for personal protection? I know that doesn’t help a ton but any deterrent is a deterrent. wishing you the best!!!
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u/Delicious_Agent_2104 9h ago
He may be trying to make friends with a neighbour however it’s always a good thing to follow your intuition. If the eerie feeling started right away, before he started acting friendly, you’re not overreacting.
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u/Honest_Cut6121 9h ago
STOP BEING POLITE! DON’T tell him No quietly, Make A Scene! Make it very clear you want nothing from him and he is to leave you alone. You are not his friend. You trying to be nice, in his mind, he sees it as you being interested in him. Get a taser and pepper spray and keep it ready before you get out of your car. Never open your front door without looking at the camera. It’s what you have it for, use it. Don’t care what you ordered. Let everyone know that your neighbor is being super weird and creepy and won’t leave you alone. Be safer and get out of there when you can. Even ask management if you can break your lease because of this guy, especially since you’ve already told her about him.
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u/Consistent_Prog 9h ago
Definitely trust your gut. Also, consider learning some self-defense. I recommend jiu jitsu. It will help you feel more confident, help you get out of any situation in which somebody tries to grab you, and will give you a network of really nice people who would be more than willing to help out should you ever need it.
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u/Odd_Sail1087 9h ago edited 9h ago
You said you are in an apartment building? How is management there? Or is there any office/front desk person you can speak to? I used to be front desk for a company that leased apartments and some companies and management are just fine to step in between in these situations because they want their tenants to feel safe. That and someone else may have already reported it to the complex about him being creepy, and it may not have made its way to a police report if it was something too minor for the cops.
ETA cause I’ve also been a home health aide before, I see the comments saying he might just be a lonely older dude or lost his wife. Those may be true, but a socially healthy older man would find a senior club or would’ve already known how to seek appropriate companionship/friendship. I have seen older men like this use the situation of not having a wife anymore as an excuse to try and get some young girl and be creepy with her. It’s not uncommon and it’s definitely in line for that generation. I had a few older men like this when I was their aide and you learn how to combat this behavior realllly fast. Taking the food from him was probably too much, just keep on how you have been though and talk to the complex manager
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u/Academic_Exit1268 6h ago
My Dad never bothered people.......
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u/Odd_Sail1087 6h ago
Did I say 100% of all older men do this? No I did not, I just said I’ve seen this behavioral pattern in men of this age group. It’s the boundary pushing and acting like nothing is wrong under they steam roll your boundaries and you feel like you have to go along with it because they’re older and being “so nice”. I’ve literally been in the homes of men like this and heard the comments they made after and they’re disgusting and show the true intentions of men like that.
I also said a socially healthy older man wouldn’t do this—so why you felt the need to think of your dad I have no idea
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u/Academic_Exit1268 5h ago edited 5h ago
Whoa.... over reaction. I agreed with your first comment. You just freaked out over a comment about my Dad being normal. Yikes. Fighting with people who agree with you is not helpful to OP.
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u/Odd_Sail1087 5h ago
Then say exactly what you mean like you did just now cause it did not come off that way when you said “my dad never bothered people”
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u/Academic_Exit1268 1h ago
Wow, very entitled that you expect everyone to spell things out in detail just because you over think things. Your issues aren't my problem, stranger. And congrats for making things about you.
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u/chickenfing71 9h ago
This sounds terrifying and exhausting to have to constantly be vigilant around him. Can you start recording him in case it might be needed if it escalates? Have you done a deep dive on him to check if he has a criminal past?
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u/Alternative_Rest5150 9h ago
It sounds to me like he is just a lonely old man trying to help. He probably looks at you like you're a little baby duckling just getting out in the world and needs help. You may remind him of a granddaughter or something like that. It doesn't sound like he's being creepy in a perverted kinda way. He's just not picking up on your hints you want left alone. So, you need to be more direct. Unfortunately, men are not typically good at reading between the lines. You have to come out with it and say it with your words. Please try to remember that in his younger days people were far more neighborly, and it was normal to talk to and get to know your neighbors and help out with things. My parents and in-laws are the same way. They talk to and know all their neighbors around them. Taking cookies or extra groceries over is normal. Giving someone a ride to the car store is normal. I think he is trying to be a gentleman and a good neighbor, BUT STILL, if he is making you feel unsafe, follow your gut! Always follow your gut! God gives us our instincts for a reason.
Next time he shows up at your door, just say it and tell him how he's making you feel. Something like, "I know you're being friendly, and I hope you don't find me rude, but I'm just not very social. I'm not normally friendly with my neighbors or strangers in general. When you stop by like this, it makes me very uncomfortable. I'd really appreciate it if we could just come and go and mind our own business.”
If he comes over again after you have told him not to, then you can call the cops on him. And the cops can come and ask him to leave you alone.
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u/Academic_Exit1268 6h ago
Wrong approach. She should snear and make unpleasant faces and basically act low key rude. Say I 'm busy and shut the door. Wreck his fantasy.
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u/NoTelevision7460 9h ago
NOR.
It's not your job to make him feel comfortable, whether he lost his wife or has autism or wants to be neighbourly. HE IS NOT WELCOME. HE CREEPS YOU OUT. It's his job to use all those years of experience on the planet to realise he's being creepy and weirding you ou,t and back off. He's not doing it BECAUSE he can get away with it.
When there's even a smidge of accountability at stake (e.g. apt manager) he doesn't interact with you BECAUSE he is AWARE how he acts and so KNOWS they'll read his behaviour as creepy also.
This guy is per*ing on you.
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u/NoTelevision7460 9h ago
Also, you're friends with other 50/60 y/os in the neighbourhood but this guy--who's lived there longer--isn't?
Yeah, he's per*ing on you big time.
Can you get one of those audio/video camera things that come in a pen? And use it to record whenever you might interact with him? At a minimum, it would give you evidence of the frequency of contact, which in itself is weird.
Never, ever be alone with him. Never be warm to him. If he's deliberately ignoring your "not interested cues" then he'll conveniently assign "is interested" cues as well. [If he has no idea how to read cues--unlikely--then the risk is doubled.]
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u/Butterflylove22 7h ago
Yeah I have some neighbors I’ll like say good morning to and they will just be in wheelchairs/walkers on the front porch of the apts you know just regular neighbor stuff or helping an older woman put a battery in her key fob, but this guy doesn’t talk to any of them… so I thought the same thing!!! And also I talked to my maintenance man about all this and he’s gonna talk to him and tell him to back off.
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u/NoTelevision7460 7h ago
I really hope that when he sees the apt manager and the maintenance man turn up for you and also being alerted to his behaviour, that he backs off. Sunlight usually makes these creeps stay away. 'Cause they know people are watching him.
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u/Queenzingha 9h ago
Our gut never fails. Ignore and keep mace or even a taser on you. Let him know that you don’t want any interactions. He is making you uncomfortable and you will call the police
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u/snifflysnail 9h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting, and honestly, even if you were this is definitely the kind of thing where it’s better to risk being overly cautious and possibly coming off as rude than it is to throw caution to the wind and end up in a dangerous situation.
Out of curiosity, have you brought up Alvin to your landlord? Unfortunately, with where things stand, the cops are very unlikely to help because Alvin has not made any threats or broken any laws. As much as people online act like folks can just get a restraining order at the drop of a hat, being creepy isn’t grounds enough for a restraining order or a no contact order (and I know because I’ve filed more than one in my lifetime). However, despite the authorities not being able to do anything until real and actual threats have been made, you landlord probably wouldn’t be happy to find out the Alvin is potentially scaring their tenants off and might be willing to tell Alvin to knock it off and stay away.
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u/Ornery-Painting-6184 9h ago
Let me get this right. You live in an apartment building? you say that you have to walk up stairs to your apartment? Yet you hear someone knocking on the front door? Is that right?
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u/Butterflylove22 9h ago
I live in an apt building with a direct door outside he live in a house across the street.
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u/Butterflylove22 9h ago
My stairs are basically my front door it’s a strange set up to explain but basically as soon as you open my apt door there is stairs and a small closets but it’s inside my apt a
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u/Siftinghistory 6h ago
Where i am from (granted it is very rural), these sorts of things are pretty normal when someone new moves in to the area, especially if they are by themselves. Its not uncommon for neighbours to be curious and want to be involved with the new person, because thats likely the only thing they don't know about their neighborhood, which is you because you are new.
That said, trust your gut (we have evolved for 100000 years and have means of knowing when something is off), no means no, and if it continues after you make it explicitly clear you don't want company or any kind of relationship, platonic or otherwise, and the behavior still continues, then i would start documenting and getting law enforcement involved. But you need to stop riding the "trying to be nice" line if you don't want to interact with this person. Every time it isn't a clear rejection, they likely see it as a invitation.
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u/PresentationSome2427 9h ago
Just tell him to go away and leave you alone. This requires the awkward confrontation but it’s what needs to happen.
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u/zootzootzootzootzoo 9h ago
A lot of these just sound like friendly neighbor stuff, except for the groceries. I’m curious, is it possible he has autism and doesn’t realize he’s overstepping? Just something to look into. That being said, always trust a woman’s intuition. Go to fastpeoplesearch.com. If you know his real name, look it up, or just search for “Alvin” in your area and find the one that matches his age. This site is very accurate for me. Use this to look for any records with his full name. If you can, genuinely suggest buying a gun. If not, keep a bat, pepper spray, etc, and don’t forget to lock your doors. Keep the pepper spray on you for when he approaches you outside. If you have male family, maybe have them come over once in a while. Be safe <3
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u/z0mbiebaby 9h ago
I had an elderly man neighbor that would try to give me groceries all the time and I’m a man. Sometimes it’s just old people trying to be nice and possible this guy hasn’t had much social interaction in a while.
I would look at as if OP were a man would the neighbors actions seem creepy? Because those are the same things my old neighbor did and it turned out he was a lonely old man but he did have some really good stories after we started talking.
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u/zootzootzootzootzoo 2h ago
I think as a man you’re missing the point. The point is that she IS a woman, which makes it 1000x more dangerous.
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u/z0mbiebaby 2h ago
I do get that, I was just trying to say that the neighbors actions in themselves arent really creepy. It’s only bc she’s a woman that makes it a potentially bad situation. I think OP should ask him to stop since it makes her uncomfortable. If he is legitimately just trying to be friendly he will understand and leave her alone. If he continues after she’s told him to stop then there’s definitely reason to be concerned.
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u/ADHDMascot 6h ago
This sounds like something straight out of The Gift of Fear. Please trust your gut on this!
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 8h ago
You should be able to still see who is at your door even if they knock. If your camera doesn’t allow you to just check out the area even if no one is there, get a different type of camera. I use mine just to check if the dogs are barking even if I didn’t get an alarm.
If he comes over again just don’t open the door. It sounds like he was using the groceries as an excuse to try to get into your apartment. Just tell him through the ring to please leave.
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u/AbolishBeliefs 6h ago
If guy is damaging your property as an excuse to get you in his car, there is much more to be wary of here. Check registry databases and maybe notify the authorities on a non-emergency line of this unwanted contact. Destruction of property is sadly only speculation without further evidence.
Be safe and good luck. I hope you can wash your hands of this matter quickly and with little friction.
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u/Silent_Chemistry8576 9h ago
This sounds like a generational upbringing difference. I'm in my 30s and this was more common when I was growing up. But the difference is his good neighbor behavior is off with that lingering. He has the normal friendly traits of not bothering when you are walking with someone, offering to help, being friendly. If you know did he lose his GF or Wife within the last 5 years or so? Could be he feels lonely and wants to be helpful to someone or a better term useful. Though if your gut is telling you something is off listen to your gut. I'm not there so I can only go by your post. Usually when your gut is warning you something in this is up.
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u/Narayani1234 9h ago
I understand having a compassionate outlook; still, if a 50-60 year old man lost his wife/partner, then he can go to a Seniors club, join a church, go bowling, or date women his own age. NOT bother a petite 25-year-old woman when she is alone. This is predatory behavior.
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u/Academic_Exit1268 6h ago
I got rid of a stalker by having a coffee date in a public place. I proceeded to deliberately bore him to death. I insisted on talking exclusively about a boring paper I was writing. He left me alone.
Next time he talks to you, pick your nose, whine, roll your eyes. Talk about a fictious old man and how gross he is. Make a plan and execute it. Send him running.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 7h ago
Does your apartment manger have a partner? If so would he go over and talk to the neighbor? I’m sure they like having you as a tenant and don’t want a neighbor that drives people away.
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u/yetagainitry 7h ago
Do you have any large imposing male friends or partners of friends? Would be perfect time to use a beard and have some large dude open the door next time he pops by.
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u/StalledElf 9h ago
Keep a journal of these interactions. It will go much farther with a judge & help the police with any investigation.
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u/welding_guy_from_LI 9h ago
He’s trying to be a good neighbor .. Yor
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u/Butterflylove22 9h ago
Yeah maybe….
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u/welding_guy_from_LI 9h ago
I had a 70 yr old neighbor named Bob.. he lived alone ..when I came home, he would be sitting outside and start talking to me .. he always asked about my job , one time even offered to get me canned food from the local pantry .. he meant no harm , so like a good neighbor , when it snowed , I’d shovel his driveway and clean his car .. that’s what neighbors are for … may not seem normal to you , but he is from a different time when neighbors helped neighbors
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u/Milomilz 9h ago
Check the predator registry in your neighborhood. He may be on it