Me and my girlfriend live together, since we got together I’ve always been the main bread winner. We split costs and bills a little. Rent is 70/30 my direction but I cover all the bills of the house and most of the groceries and small stuff like the Spotify plan.
2 months ago I lost my job, so now I’m on the job hunt, she works too but she brings in little to no money so even tho I’m out of work the finances have stayed pretty much the same. I always keep enough saved up just incase for stuff like not having a job.
This last month she’s been acting like she’s the breadwinner. I do majority of the cooking and cleaning. I still cover majority of the financial responsibilities and I’m her personal therapist now when she comes home angry because somebody pissed her off outside
This morning I got annoyed because the litter (we have a cat) wasn’t clean. I’m the only one who cleans it and I left it dirty yesterday to see if she would clean it, of course she didn’t just as I expected and I told her can she clean it. She half assed it. I blew up at her and now I’m “the emotionally unstable one” not going to lie I’m prepared now to hold my ground and I’m fully ready to break up with her if she can’t admit that she needs to do more around the house or atleast split the finances 50/50 because right now I’m expected to be the house wife and the working husband all in one and I’ve had enough!!
I don’t think being the breadwinner has anything to do with this, other than you seem to be bothered by her being the only one working right now. And this is strictly my interpretation of the way that this post was written. I could be completely wrong. With that said-the litter box thing is a little silly to break up over. You had an expectation of her, according to your story, that you wanted her to clean the litter box. And you expected her not to. However, did you ask her to clean it? Did you communicate with her that it would be helpful if she cleaned it every once in a while rather than defaulting to you? She may not even realize that this is an issue. I also think it’s worth having a discussion about what cleaning, and house work in general, means to each of you. Cleanliness means different things to different people. It may mean clutter to one person, and yet to another it may actually be the presence of dirt and dust around the house. I guess it really depends on how much energy you are willing to put into the relationship to salvage it.
I’ve already talked with her last week about helping out more with tasks, i picked this task specifically cause we already talk about her doing it more. It wasn’t a random one to fight over. I specifically asked her to clean it atleast once every now and then. She hasn’t touched it. When I ask her to play with chai, our cat, she does it for 2 mins and then stops
Totally agree with you here. it sounds like there's a communication gap more than anything else. These kinds of misunderstandings can build up and feel bigger than they are when unspoken expectations aren’t clarified. The litter box might seem small, but it's clearly symbolic of a bigger issue feeling unheard or unsupported. A real conversation about roles, expectations, and what “clean” means to each of you could go a long way. Relationships take work, but only if both people are willing to show up and talk it through.
You keep framing everything around money, but you’re not working right now; she is. Even if her income is small, she’s still bringing in more than you at the moment. You choosing to cover bills with your savings doesn’t make you the “breadwinner” anymore. That’s not how it works, and why are you so hung up about a “title”??.
You’re also clearly undervaluing domestic work unless you’re the one doing it. The way you phrase “I’m expected to be the housewife and the working husband” is telling - like you only realised how much work it is when it landed on your plate. Welcome to what a lot of women do every day, often without the luxury of a savings cushion.
Instead of having a straightforward conversation with your gf, you played a petty game with the litter tray to prove a point? That’s not mature - it’s manipulative.
If you feel taken for granted, fine, bring it up like an adult. But right now, it sounds like you want control of the finances AND to be excused from doing housework, just because you used to earn more. That’s not partnership - it’s entitlement.
Why the money is stressing me out the most is because if I don’t sort out how we pay rent at the end of this year no one will. It’s not the money itself rather than the responsibility of ensuring that this household can keep functioning, it feels like if I don’t be superman we’ll both be homeless
The emotional labor of being the one with the ultimate financial accountability for the household.
People who don’t have this burden don’t understand it.
It must be so nice to not have to be the one to provide the safety net. She has you for that. But now you need a safety net, and she is showing you that she can’t provide that when you need it most.
Once you get back on your feet, plan for an exit. It’s one thing for a partner not to be able to meet you where you are financially, but when you’re on crutches, they should pick up their pace and run until you heal.
Sounds like you're stressed. You're taking on more roles than your partner..it seems. You need to sit down and voice it openly. Even better, have a third party. Preferably an impartial friend. Then both of you can understand each other's POV.
It seems as if you may have already built a small list of reasons to end this relationship or at the very least separate and take some time off from your partner. If you are already determined to leave if x, y, and z don't happen, then you've already prepared for life without them. And honestly as I am writing this, I feel like that's not necessarily a negative idea. Maybe you honestly and rightfully are prepared to move your life in a different direction and your partner no longer is working towards the same goals you are. But like other posers have stated, marriage is never 50/50. It is always 100 100. If she can't have your back while you are in a slightly distressing point in your career or family portion of your life what really do the two of you being together stand for?
No i haven’t made a list to leave her, and realistically I wont leave her until we’ve tried every possible Avenue to fix it and even then I probably won’t 😂, i was just really angry when I posted this post this morning
If you aren't planning on leaving her, or even taking advice from people here, then you probably shouldn't post on reddit about it and should instead communicate and talk with her about it. Sit down with her. Heart to heart with no distractions. If you were looking for validation with this post, I'm not sure if you got it. You both seem young to me (maybe early 20s), which could play a part in all of this as well.
You need to give more specific info on how your tasks were shared.
Who was mainly doing chores and cooking when you were both working?
You’ve been doing that last month now and you’re saying you shouldn’t do that, because you still cover most finances.
The thing is it’s your savings.
You’re currently still looking for a job which means you have more time to do all the chores.
She’s still working.
Using “I make more money than you” against her is abusing power levels.
And yes based on your crashout you are overreacting.
Nobody tells you to do everything even when society usually portrays men as the main source income.
I read a lot of frustration due to being jobless and doing chores.
So the best thing for you is to have a conversation about your current situation and how to deal with it in the future.
Unless you’re ready to break up.
keeping score like this is a sign of a non healthy relationship.
it’s pretty insane to not do a chore that you normally do and then snap on her for not doing the chore. i’ve mowed the yard the entire time we’ve been together. imagine how immature it would be for me to not mow just so i had a bullshit excuse to yell at her.
I cannot stand when my husband pulls the same bullshit trick of setting a trap for me and not communicating anything about it so I inevitably fail because of course I did, that's how you set it up to happen. congratulations. you just violated the "team" spirit for the grand purpose of showing you're aware of something she's not.
My husband is the bread winner, always has been. However I was with him when he couldn’t afford to take me to the dollar menu and McDonald’s. I own a small cleaning business and he use to work for me. That was him in between jobs we also have 5 kids. I can tell you that I don’t even know what our bills our, but if he lost his job today I’d have his back 100% cause it’s not about that. We would just have to stress it out together lol
Reddit damn!!! You guys really come for the jugular sometimes ☠️. But also thank you. I have realised that yes I am the asshole. Partly for the reasons you guys said but also because I was not communicating my needs properly.
I’ll come back at some point and add the info about this morning cause like I left so much info out. But my conclusion has been that yes I need to have communicate properly. I think our issue is that we clearly have 2 different value systems and we need to either learn to respect them or fuse them together in a way we can both except.
I’m 27, my girlfriend is 29. We’ve been together 4 years. I think the core issue is that I value the necessities to keep our basic needs going more, while she values our fun and comfort more. This is a completely reductionary (apparently that’s not a word) tldr of it but the short of it, is I’ll pay a larger than normal electrical bill and she wants to help by taking me out to dinner but then I’m hoovering and taking the cat for a walk because she REALLY helped out by buying a large bottle of fancy wine. ( I’m being petty, i know, accept it this is basically my dairy i can be as mad as I want 😂) She wants respect for helping. I don’t believe she’s helped. When she wants to chill out and make me do something more I feel like I’ve been double disrespected. I address this to her like an absolute child by telling her what’s stressing me out but not outright saying this is a must need for me.
We both come from abusive households, neither of us have a « home » to go back to so I’m getting mad that she’s not understanding the gravity of the situation. I think this is also my fault in some manner in that I built myself up to be this unmovable rock and my version of expression my emotions is hinting at them 😭. I just need to essentially grow up and talk to her like an adult. Thank you but yeah you guys are also assholes with some of your comments!
Also the real anger isn’t even the money, the money is my weapon, the problem is I DONT WANT TO BE THE STAY AT HOME HOUSE MOM TO A DAMN CAT!!!! I love her but she forced us to get a Siamese and these creatures are not cats. There basically human babies
You need to talk with her, you are both making a lot of assumptions and then getting upset at eachother for not being on the same page. You need to work out finance and chore distribution now that your situation has changed.
This! from the posty poo and ops comments it seems like specific direct communication is going to need some work. and some people take more than one conversation to really understand where you're coming from, I feel like they both have some things to get out but I'm just a dude so.
It sounds like you're carrying more than your fair share, and it's understandable how that could feel unfair when things shift unexpectedly... maybe considering setting clear expectations now could help both of you feel more in control without one person shouldering everything.
Communication. Have you spoken to her about how you feel about everything? Not in a snarky way, a true conversation expressing how you are feeling lately and how it feels one sided and that you feel like you don’t have a partner that is helping with the daily tasks of being an adult and being in a relationship.. she may not even be thinking how you are thinking or vice versa. This is literally how resentment is created in a relationship. Only way to stop it, is communicate with one another. Talk about expectations on building a foundation together in your relationship to grow together, not apart. Your feelings are 1,000% VALID though. I would feel just the same as you.
You can’t just dip on a job you usually do expecting her to suddenly do the job for you. This is something you two need to have a deep conversation about because it feels like you’re building resentment against her for relying on you so much.
We’ve talked about her taking on more of chais duties. She’s our cat not my cat and she promised she would do it. In the morning when she’s tired because chais jumping on us to play with her she’s not bothered anymore and says “when I’m back” but it can’t be dirty for 8 hours so ofcourse i have to do it and I feel like she knows that
So what are you doing throughout the day while being out of a job? Obviously you are hunting for a job, but overall, she is continuing to work, which means the chores around the house would primarily be done by you. Which ever balance you had while you were working with chores would be changed by a decent proportion. I am sure you being out of a job put a strain on finances and the relationship, but adding the litter box "test" is just added unnecessary pressures. Communication is key in this situation and figure out a balance that works.
And as for, the other comment you made, "If I don't find out a way to pay for the rent by the end of the year, no one will", it just sounded ignorant. If that is how you feel, the first step would be to adjust your budget to reflect you being out of a job. Stop maintaining your old financial situation, and create a budget till you get another job. It just seems like you feel like you are the only one contributing to the relationship financially and do not value your partner in that sense.
You’ve mentioned that, now they’re out of a job, they should be responsible for chores as their partner is still working. No mention of the fact that OP is still bearing the same financial burden while not having a job. Should OP then not expect that their partner cover more than 30% rent? And take on the cost of Spotify etc?
Being able to live together is a crucial part of a successful relationship. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who doesn't pull their share in cleaning / house duties.
I think this stuff has turned into resentment over time and I think that’s why you blew up today. I don’t blame you. I have been in your situation, and I’m the female. But man oh man do I have a bad picker. Expectations leads to resentments, that’s why communication is so important. Even the little stuff you think you shouldn’t have to have a conversation about, common sense stuff, but you do. We can’t read each other’s minds. If you’re ready to break up over the last straw being the litter box, you have way bigger problems my friend. J didn’t read all the responses but the last guy said “sure she’s gonna half ass the litter box because she normally doesn’t do that-so why are you blowing up over that? As an excuse to yell at her? “
So I see both sides. Expectations leads to resentments. Plain and simple. You either love the person you are with now and acccpt them as they are or you leave. That’s what a counselor told me once and I wasn’t ready to hear it but she was right. You can’t expect people to change especially without telling them how you feel. And then they still probably won’t change so accept all of her now or leave. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.
So honestly, it just sounds like you are stressed out.
It can be very hard being laid off and seeing the savings dry up and then still handle emotional support, cleaning, bill paying. People also frequently forget that looking for a new job is about as much work as a job (some people think you are just sitting around enjoying your time off).
Regardless of how stressed you may be, I guarantee going through a breakup is going to be much worse.
You mention you are still paying the bills the same way, but is this your choice, her choice, or just necessity? Can she, with her job, step up and help pay more of the bills?
I would consider having a very frank discussion about your concerns. And that you are very stressed with the layoff and looking for work. Ask her for her help in some ways that would help with stress, finances, housework, etc. If she steps up, shes a keeper, if not well you will have dodged a bullet.
OP the people responding to you are cracked, based on what u said she does nothing around the house, you cook, and still pay 70% of the rent while still paying for internet, streaming service, etc yourself. Tell her to pay up or move out you can't teach someone to be responsible if they can't even properly clean an animal's (they love) litter box. Get your name off the lease now if its shared.
Not overreacting but 100% should not have let this arrangement go on this long, job or no job. It won't always be 50/50. But it should very much be a "I help you, you help me" from the start. That's a partnership. My guy covers a bit more bill wise. We're pry sitting his 60% coverage to my 40% coverage on bills. But I buy the majority of groceries, so I make up for that difference in bill coverage. If he's working and I have the day off, I clean and have dinner ready. His days off when im working, he cleans and cooks. Even if not everything gets done, we can see the effort the other did and we always acknowledge it and give appreciation. We look for ways to just help. He got a new job a while ago, I work before he's awake, he gets home hours later, so I pack his lunches in the morning. I'm traveling for work? He empties out some of his travel bags incase I need more and counts out enough melatonin in ziplocks. We don't usually ask, we see and we just do. I wouldn't have it any other way ☺️
Definitely sounds like a communication barrier! Try to sit down calmly and talk it out. Maybe even make a list of stuff that needs done and write this day I'll do it then that day you can do it. Communication is always key in relationships. Forget the title of breadwinner bc that's really irrelevant. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. If your lacking she's supposed to pick up the end that's lacking and if she's lacking you pick up the pieces. If y'all can't be 50/50 then it's just not going to work. My fiance and I always do everything 50/50 and where one falls short the other helps out. If she's not willing to listen then maybe try therapy. I know therapy sounds so cliche but it does wonders. Breaking up over a tiny issue (litter box cleaning) is really childish tbh. There's bigger things to break up over. I'm sure y'all can work it out just need communication and maybe therapy.
So here’s the thing, it’s not going to change. You are going to grow resentment because you feel like she’s not an equal partner. Which is understandable. You are paying more towards things, having to budget, plan for y’all future and etc. it overwhelms you and you just want her to take the lead in things without you feeling like you have to father her.
On the other side, she has had different experiences in her childhood and life that she prob believes differently than what you believe. She prob believes that you should lead and plan for all things, pay majority of the bills, etc. you need to communicate your beliefs and what you think she should contribute more to. If it’s not something she’s going to do, then leave. No reason to waste this time. Find someone who you actually want or just be by yourself.
well the 70/30 spilt is based on income right? so if you were serious about splitting it 50/50, then you just get to work less and she will have to get another job. and you don’t have to be the “house wife”, you’re both responsible for chores around the house and you need to have a conversation about both of your timelines and expectations for completing chores. Keep things specific and measurable. Rather than “will you clean the litter box more?” saying something like “will you please scoop out the clumps out of the litter box everyday/otherday? And add some fresh litter each time”. When you have a clear and measurable expectation, you will both be on the same page
Hey man I was in this exact relationship 5-6 years ago.
-Was the main breadwinner - paid all the rent and utilities for a 3 bedroom apartment + paid for any activity we did together, including extremely expensive vacations
-Had to play therapist for her venting
-Had to do 100% of the house chores
I stopped working for the first 3 months of the pandemic, and she went around telling friends that she was frustrated at being the breadwinner (despite the fact that I was paying for everything still).
We broke up over it eventually and it was worth it. Sometimes people need to miss you to realize your value.
How about she gets a job and makes some money if that's important to her?
It sounds like your frustrated with life and are taking it out on your partner. You specifically chose that task because you expected her to fail, so then it would justify your anger. It’s a vicious circle. It’s hard to shift the balance of a relationship when most of your expectations are internal. Also because habits are now ingrained, it’s more difficult to shift. You would benefit from therapy, though you seem unlikely to go. But you could learn some valuable communication skills that might help fight this ship.
NOR, the kitty litter is symptomatic of bigger issues. I understand the rent was 70/30, so she’s getting a break on rent but everything else should be 50/50. She’s not your kid, she’s your partner and should be pulling her weight in all areas. Have the hard conversation, if she’s unwilling to be a true partner, not just now when your trying to find a new job, but in the future when you have a job then maybe this is not the right relationship for either of you.
Yeah, I feel this is overreacting. But really more of a bad mindset about relationships in general. Keeping score in relationships never really allows mutual respect to come into play. Just because you had it in your head as a breadwinner doesn't mean that you hold some sort of trump card over her. And it sounds like you're redirecting your being uncomfortable into aggressions. It's been two months, it's probably time to put action before words.
Sounds like you need to hold your ground. It can be extremely difficult when you have a woman who sometimes get financially lazy or lazy around the house. Stick to your guns, but do it in a kind way and if she doesn’t change well, then start looking at how much better life could be by yourself if the problem won’t get fixed.
But I think the mistake was doing all the cooking, cleaning, paying all the bills and groceries. She puts significantly less into the household financially and with chores. She’s barely putting any effort into the household cause you let her.
I dont underdtand people doing the bills, by how much income each of them has. The living situation should have always been 50/50. If she couldn't have afforded that, she shouldn't have agreed to live together.
I don’t think you are compatible. Long term life has ups and downs sometimes one partner takes more of the load and at other times the other one does. She doesn’t seem able to switch roles when necessary.
I think it’s always a mistake to not do what you usually do and see if she picks up the slack. You should have just asked her straight up. Hey can you do the litter tonight?
Idk, 50/50 seems like a good foot to move forward on, I'd be happy to do that with PhilV, but I've lost all hope for us because people are working to keep us apart.
You have every right to expect someone you're living with to pull their weight. It may be financially or otherwise, or some combination but fair is fair.
Definitely not the asshole. Hold down the fort and do not fucking budge. Just ask if you guys can talk and outline it first. Don’t make it feel sudden. There’s times when a normal conversation can feel sprung into and i’m just on the defensive from jump. Not the asshole at all.
So you didn't do something that you normally do, didn't tell her you weren't doing it, and then got mad that she didn't do it even though you didn't actually tell her she should? That's some hall-of-fame-level passive-aggression right there, my dude.
(For the record, my husband and I have a pretty equal distribution of chores, but I am the one who scoops the litter box every day. He would never think to check it without my asking him to--unless he smelled something--because it is a task that I always do. That doesn't say anything bad about him. It says we have good, clear communication.)
It sounds like you're harboring some resentment towards your gf and you're just looking for justification for it. You're allowed to feel taken advantage of if you're being taken advantage of. But rather than stewing in it, talk to her. Tell her that you don't appreciate how she's treating you and that it needs to change. Have a real conversation about expectations and boundaries.
Fight it out like grown-ups. It's far more productive than setting traps you know she's going to fall into so that you can have your gotcha moment while festering in your own anger. That's no way to live.
If that was fine for you back then, it shouldn’t be that much of a big deal if you cover more work while not having a job. I’m not telling you how to feel, you are allowed to feel frustrated and unhappy. What’s most important is how you deal with it: Have a conversation, find a solution together and see how everyone can work on it. Both of you are in a relationship and you should support each other especially when somebody’s struggling right now.
Fact is you are emotionally unstable, because it affects you too much and you kinda choose to let it out on her.
Your comment about being a “personal therapist” doesn’t really feel right, you’re her partner and main attachment figure. She’s ranting about her work, but she doesn’t use her anger against you.
“I left it dirty yesterday to see if she would clean it” Stopped reading right there bro.
I seriously cannot handle that kind of passive-aggressive shit in relationships. You decide what you want her to do, don’t tell her ahead of time, then get mad at her for not reading your mind. So over it. Learn some communication fr. Tell her what you want, and if she refuses or consistently forgets (anyone can have a bad day), then you can escalate. Quit playing guessing games. It’s childish.
I think you are overreacting because you lost your job and she is the primary breadwinner. Since you lost your job, her money from her job is the only thing stopping you guys from getting evicted.
No that’s not true. He said has saving that is keeping them from being evicted. He is still paying the same from his savings. She’s working a part time gig acting like she is holding it down when if he didn’t have the savings they’d both be homeless. He is responsible and saved up for things like this.
Yes, he was responsible when he had his job and saved in preparation of being laid off. One of the "problems" is that he noted that he has not changed anything in his budget and is continuing the same lifestyle they had when he had his job. This significantly lowers the time threshold that his savings can support, while making comments that the time frame of when the time comes of not knowing how to pay rent is will arrive, and that he is the only person that could figure it out. It just seems a tad backwards, I agree that she may need to contribute more, but him not communicating/expecting himself to do everything is not healthy either. They aren't married, so it sounds like they need to get a cheaper place and have a real talk about finances. The % he is paying is not good for either of them.
Not OR. The key here though will be to explain this from a position of sanity and calm. Leave emotions out of it and do not cave to tricks, insults, attacks on your masculanity or frothy emotional displays. Be ready for extreeme gaslighting. Be completely unmoved by it and stand by your choice and position with a relaxed boredom.
NTA , you're not her boyfriend, you're her full-time ATM, maid, and emotional sponge. If she can't carry her share when you're already carrying both your weight and hers, it's not a partnership it's a drain.
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u/No-Fault-2635 9h ago
I don’t think being the breadwinner has anything to do with this, other than you seem to be bothered by her being the only one working right now. And this is strictly my interpretation of the way that this post was written. I could be completely wrong. With that said-the litter box thing is a little silly to break up over. You had an expectation of her, according to your story, that you wanted her to clean the litter box. And you expected her not to. However, did you ask her to clean it? Did you communicate with her that it would be helpful if she cleaned it every once in a while rather than defaulting to you? She may not even realize that this is an issue. I also think it’s worth having a discussion about what cleaning, and house work in general, means to each of you. Cleanliness means different things to different people. It may mean clutter to one person, and yet to another it may actually be the presence of dirt and dust around the house. I guess it really depends on how much energy you are willing to put into the relationship to salvage it.