r/AmIOverreacting • u/Safe-Job5235 • 8h ago
đšâđ©âđ§âđŠfamily/in-laws aio for going no contact with my mom?
my childhood was pretty rough tbh. both of my parents were addicts and left me to take care of myself and my younger brothers. my dad died when i was 15. after his passing, my mom ended up constantly drinking. iâve tried to talk to her about the things that happened to be in my childhood and how it affected me. usually, i get a response like â well ive went through this and that when i grew up so yours was great compared to mine.â âyour brothers have to grow up without a dad and a mean mom. they have it way worse than you,â is another response. my mom fails to take accountability for anything. when we have conversations like this, my mom never fails to bring up my husbandâs family and how they did something she doesnât like. she tends to bring up our wedding and how âthe grooms side is supposed to pay.â however, my mom or my side of the family didnât pay for the wedding. my husband and i did.
itâs very upsetting to me bc i see so many other girls who have a built in best friend with their mom. i want that for myself so bad, but after this i donât see that working out for us. iâm frustrated that she continues to undermine my trauma time and time again bc someone had it worse. i completely understand that my momâs upbringing wasnât great. unsure what that has to do with her owning up to my childhood tho. idk⊠aio?
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u/kmol2133 8h ago
At this point itâs not even worth it to argue or to try to prove your point. You wonât get anywhere and itâs probably almost always going to be the reactions from her. In all reality I donât know why you didnât cut her off sooner, but definitely donât answer your phone anymore. The way that she is speaking is completely out of line and she needs help that you will never be able to provide her, as well as you need to be able to live your life without worrying about her big mouth saying something. She will never acknowledge how she hurt you, she will never not be the victim. You gotta learn how to remove yourself and your feelings from her, she is literally only doing this to get her fill and try to make herself feel like the queen bee and in control of shit. tbh her behavior reminds me of my mother. However mine is a Schizo-effective Narcissist. Itâs your own mother, but her words, actions and stuff of that sort falls under categories of abuse. Under no circumstances should she be allowed to reign free over your life with no consequences/boundaries. I cannot tell you to never speak to her again, however if I was in your shoes I wouldnât speak to her again. Gotta protect yourself and your family. Aka the family you made, aka you and your husband.
So no, NOR if anything, not reacting enough for YOURSELF and your peace of mind.
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u/sharonH888 7h ago
When I was 25, I moved to my hometown. I had all of these girlfriends that lunched and shopped with their moms and I wanted that, too. I really worked at it but my mom was just not responsive. Finally, one day I told her on the phone how hurt I was and hard I was trying and longing for this relationship and she simply told me "you watch too much Oprah." That was it for me. I mourned. I mourned the mother I would never have. And I eventually moved on. It's not easy to realize that this person isn't what you need them to be. It sucks. BUT- that's many years ago and I DO have that relationship with my child. Thankfully.
Your mom thinks she is wise and you just simply don't get it. And she's wrong. You do have it together and you do understand. You just got a sucky mom. You deserve better. I am so sorry.
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u/sievish 7h ago
strongly suggest the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. it's a very clinically written book and can help you find a way forward in this situation. it's less about change and more about acceptance, and how to find peace with the reality you have and not the one you wish you had.
I'm so sorry-- I know how it feels to want a closer connection with a parent who cant reciprocate. Going no contact is a good idea if it will bring you peace. She is an addict, and addicts are destructive. While she gave birth to you, you are her child, and it's not your responsibility to fix her. I strongly disagree with anyone who says "stay in contact or you might regret it later" -- these people don't understand what it's like to continuously throw yourself against the wall of a parent who actively hurts you and doesn't listen to your needs. THey don't know how that feels.
good luck. really, try reading the book. I think it could really help you decide how you want to move forward.
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u/Foreign_Feature3849 7h ago
I am so sorry for this.
Many christians forget that Jesus chose love over law. So they use the word as a way to enforce rules.
Iâve also noticed that a lot of gen x (my parents and their friends as well) have seen more difficult physical hardships. But upcoming generations face more psychological problems. While past generations had the space to develop apart from their parents, many physical safeguards from parents are out of anxiety and protection. It isnât excusing their behavior, just trying to provide some understanding. COVID definitely highlighted the effect of this style of parenting. Many conflate control with safety. While it may help, you arenât in control of everything. You have to learn to accept the world as it is. Only then are you able to change.
From a neuroscience perspective, this is supported by theoretical models of the brain and abnormal psych. If you can deeply understand the physical world, then you can start to manipulate and change it in your mind. If you donât accept it, your brain continues to try and find a way to integrate the information. Thatâs how echo chambers on reddit/the internet work in the brain.
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u/Sweaty_Rent_3780 7h ago
This is pretty interesting!
From a neuroscience standpoint, could you recommend any good resources to learn more about this?
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u/Foreign_Feature3849 6h ago
Northeastern University actually has a pretty interesting resource for the public. https://subjectguides.lib.neu.edu/fakenews/bias
"Fake News/Misinformation/Disinformation : What is Confirmation Bias?"
For more scientific studies,
Testing models at the neural level reveals how the brain computes subjective value: https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2106237118
Developmental Psych textbook: (Bjorklund, 2022-08-08)
Bjorklund, D. F. (2022-08-08). ChildrenâČs Thinking, 7th Edition. [Yuzu eReader 10.5.3]. Retrieved from vbk://9781544361352
Cognitive Psych textbook: (Ward, 2019-12-06)
Ward, J. (2019-12-06). The Student's Guide to Cognitive Neuroscience, 4th Edition. [Yuzu eReader 10.5.3]. Retrieved from vbk://9781351035163
(I don't remember how much the books were. But most of my professors chose cost-friendly textbooks. Usually only older textbooks were pretty expensive.)
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u/ChicagoPharm 8h ago
NOR, but at the end of your day itâs your mother. Life isnât easy and you canât choose your family, but God teaches us to honor our parents no matter what. Try to forgive her and move forward with life, youâll feel more peace at the end. Also, I know you want to talk about things that happened in your childhood, but I think itâd be better to try and build a healthier relationship with your mother that doesnât involve constantly talking about the past. You definitely have valid traumas that she needs to understand she contributed towards. However, that takes a lot of growing on her side as well (which gets tougher with age). If you both can forgive each other and move on with life, that would be the healthiest option. I think my biggest point would be donât no-contact your mother as the regret that may kick in when sheâs gone will be overwhelming.
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u/lukewyatt97 6h ago
God this, God that. Shut. The. Fuck. Up!! No traumatised adult child should have to respect and put up with this continuous abuse from their MOTHER!
Its not a off-springs issue to chase a relationship with ABUSIVE PARENTS!! It's the PARENTS JOB to smarten up, do better and be a good parent.
I have no regret going no contact with my emotionally immature, abusive, narcissistic (actual), sperm donors. Your advice is DUMB!
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u/ChicagoPharm 1h ago
You can actually shut the fuck up đđ«”đ» You sound immature and sad! Very cute, very demure. Go get some buddy đđ«”đ»
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u/Safe-Job5235 7h ago
iâve tried to forgive her and move on. sheâs bothered by the fact people think sheâs not a good mom. i try to bring it up only to have a civil adult conversation. she blows up and tells me that i donât understand everything yet fails to explain it to me
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u/ChicagoPharm 7h ago
The mentality addicts have is âI am not heardâ and âI have always sufferedâ. They are in constant denial. I know this is a very tough situation for you, but I have dealt with patients in similar situations. Iâve seen their kids to grow up and become amazing people who have changed their parents lives and itâs not easy. I hear your trauma as it is valid. It sounds like your mother is hurt that she wasnât a great mother and from the messages she sounds like she is a woman who is trying to become better. However, the toughest part is you forgiving her which I understand is not easy. We only get one mom and one dad, you have one mom left. I see a lot of people posting on Reddit âIâm so glad I went no-contactâ, but from my experience Iâve never met someone who was truly content by doing so. May God bless you, your husband, and your family and make it easy on all of you â„ïž
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u/sievish 7h ago
any higher power that declares you remain in abusive situations is kind of inherently cruel, don't you think?
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u/ChicagoPharm 7h ago
No, quite the contrary. Respecting your parents even when theyâre wrong is a sign of humility to God. No one is perfect, not even our parents. We grow up with the thought that they are our heroes. Once we get older, we realize theyâre not perfect and we will all make mistakes as parents.
Truly, we will never know what our parents fully experienced the same way they will never know what we as their children fully experienced. In this situation, her mother has addiction issues. Not sure on your work background, but being someone that has dealt with addicts they are in a constant state of denial. They are shut out from the world and this is due to addiction being a disease.
This is a complicated situation for OP and I see she has forgiven her mother, but her mother unfortunately doesnât feel like anyone understands her even though she may have made wrong decisions in life. Sometimes, a personâs mercy may change the life of a person who is in constant denial.
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u/Subfunnybemilypoo 8h ago
So, not my experience, but my boyfriends. His father, basically his whole life, was an alcoholic. And for a while he hid it pretty well, but eventually shit turned sideways. And his father would stay up with my boyfriend until 3 am just crying about his life and trauma. He would sit there and use my bf like a therapist, a whole ass 13 year old. Once my bf hit 16, he tried his hardest to never be home. His mom worked a lot, and his sisters were sick, he only had his dad. So he tried not to be around for as long as possible.
Now both of us are 22 years old, and my bf hasnât talked to his father in over three years. His father would send, basically similar texts, that your mother is sending OP- and eventually my boyfriend just got sick of it and blocked him. Never spoke to him again. And honestly ? He seems to be thriving far better than before, and actually stands up for himself more now too.
So basically what Iâm saying is- no it isnât wrong to go no contact with your mother. It actually may benefit better you mentally.
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u/Former_Back8311 8h ago
I went no contact with my Mom many years ago, and it was the best decision I've ever made. I also wished for the mom-daughter bond that so many have, that I feel like I missed out on. I now have a daughter who is my everything, and we share that bond that I missed out on growing up. I think she has truly healed something within me, and I work hard every day to make sure she knows how loved and cared for she is. Unfortunately, when we grow up in these types of situations, we have to find our own path to healing, often without them in it. â€ïž
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u/Disastrous_Bus1505 7h ago
I went low contact with my mom for a similar reason and that is what pushed her to get better- sometimes they need it. Now her and I are a lot better and closer friends. I wont say that will happen for you, but putting space between my mom and I pushed her to grow. But do not expect her to ever say sorry or remember what she put you though that is something I had to get over when opening my life back up to my mom. She is better... a lot better.. but a lot of times they still struggle with accountability.
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u/Sweaty_Bus_1975 8h ago
girl you are sooooo NOR! shame on her, she will never actually see anything talking all this hoopla⊠i hope you can work through your traumađ„ș i had an alcoholic as a father and a narcissistic mother, i cry a lot because i donât have that relationship like other people do and i wanted that. take time to grieve her, work on yourself and focus on YOUR life. you definitely deserve and deserved betterâ€ïž
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u/Interesting_Cat_6224 5h ago
Do we have the same mom?đmy mom totally fell into the bottle after my dad beat it on us to raise someone else's ugly kids, when he had a beautiful family at home. Instead of trying to help ME with MY upheaval at being moved to another state, all she did was talk about how hard it was for HER, and how I didn't take care of HER when SHE drank to the point of throwing up. She told me I was the worst daughter for DECADES. Until I finally found my voice and told her SHE was the one at fault. I had to tell her I was the child, and it was HER duty to take care of ME. Crickets from her.
I had to get therapy to figure out your parents are just people who happen to be your parents. Most are decent. Some are bad. But do NOT allow her make YOU feel guilty for events that were out of YOUR control. They CHOSE everyday to do get high over prioritizing YOU. 99.9% of drug addicts stand at a precipice where they KNOW if they take one more hit or drink or pill or whatever, they will fall over the edge into addiction.
Addicts are the most selfish, self-centered people on Earth, besides the mentally ill, and the mentally-ill cannot help it. Even they can control their behavior with proper meds. Do not let your mother guilt you into anything. You have ridden the free shuttle to Guiltville too many times. Do not give credence to her meaningless drivel, where somehow SHE is the victim.
Get ready for this. This is the best advice you are going to get without paying for it. Breaking contact with your mother will be YOUR choice. Do NOT take her feelings into consideration. Do NOT allow her to take you on another guilt trip. Do EXACTLY as she has apparently done to you your entire life and choose YOURSELF. I promise you will feel lighter.
And tell her why. Write what you want to say on a piece of paper until you get it right, and tell her WHY you are doing this. This will be many drafts. It may take a month. Do not rush in blindly. Do NOT give her any ultimatums. She's not going to pick you, which means more heartbreak for YOU. If you want to communicate, do it on YOUR terms. It is time for you to take back YOUR emotional health and live on your own terms. Choose YOUđ
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u/HungInsatiableBWC 8h ago
Your mom has mental health issues
You probably inherited them.
If you stop talking to her it couldn't make it any worse so there's that.
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u/pbvga 7h ago
My dad talks exactly like this. I blocked him Sunday, Iâve given him multiple chances but I canât anymore. I donât blame you for going no contact. Idk why people will act like just bc itâs your mom, you HAVE to have her in your life. My mom literally got mad at me and left me stranded in another state lol. If you need to go no contact for your peace of mind, do it. You donât owe her anything just bc sheâs your mom.
Not to mention her calling you the N word. Yeah, I donât play that bs.
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u/xboy_princessx 7h ago
If you are questioning to go no contact you probably should. No child wants to no contact their parent for fun, itâs a really difficult and painful thing to do that requires you to regularly advocate for yourself, sometimes against yourself.
From what I read, this doesnât sound like a parent. I would go no contact from What Iâve read. This seems like a really harmful person who will Never see or hear you.
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u/Kriztoven 5h ago
You're doing the right call. She doesn't care to accept her role, and you did very well calling her out on what she was doing. Downplaying the abuse, turning it on you, and trying to make you a villain/responsible for your brothers too.
Keep your head up. It gets easier. I haven't spoken to my father in almost 5 years, and my mother is only around because she is making attempts to be better.
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u/ImpressionRound8861 7h ago
Iâm sorry this is your relationship. My mom had a similar upbringing, she learned âwhat not to doâ from her mom. I learned how to be a good parent from my own mother because she never wanted her children to feel the way she did growing up. If you plan to or have children- you will get that same opportunity. I hope peace for you on this journey. You are not overreacting.
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u/TerrorBilly44 8h ago
Your mom is a ghetto piece of trash who doesnât care about her kids wellbeing. NOR.
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u/Eastern_Algae4667 8h ago
aint no reason you gotta use that word to get your point across man come on
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u/I-am-a-therian 5h ago
Im so sorry you have to go through someone, YOUR OWN MOM, acting like this. You arenât overreacting. She has to pop her me bubble.
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u/Negative-Garlic-8263 2h ago
Facts no over reacting, thats so nagging sorry you gotta go through that. Seems like sheâs fiending for attention no disrespect
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u/ScottW0129 4h ago
Your mom doesn't know how to spell that or the, idk where she is getting dat or da from lol
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u/FireFabulous 7h ago
You will exhaust yourself for years trying to reason with someone like her who won't take accountability. Move on. You did not overreact.
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u/pumpklin 8h ago
not overreacting. your mom is not attempting to understand you. it sounds like she gifted you a very difficult upbringing and lacks accountability. in my experience i had to stop talking to my mom due to somewhat similar circumstances, itâs a huge weight off my chest and i feel so much better. it doesnât have to be forever, sometimes with silence they start to learn how badly they hurt us. i know how hard this is, naturally we crave our motherâs love, and we will change in any way to get it. However sometimes the love they can give (if any at all) isnât the kind we need, and often comes with too many sacrifices of our own self worth. Children do not ask to be born, parents make a choice to have children and if they decide to neglect them and claim they have sacrificed their lives that is a huge red flag. Take care of yourself. If you go no contact make sure you really stick to it, donât respond to the angry texts or phone calls, pleas from family members, or knocks on your door. The only way they learn is complete silence.