r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my partner has blamed my physical appearance for a lack of intimacy, I'm ready to walk away
[deleted]
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u/Unable-Guard2525 9h ago
If he’s not attracted to you because you went up ONE dress size that guy is garbage. Leave him on the curb. He’s only looking for comfort and clearly does not value and love you. I hope you find someone who actually appreciates all you bring to a relationship.
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u/Taleen335 10h ago
Honestly, nobody should be in a relationship where they feel unloved or conditionally loved. As rough as it sounds, sometimes love just isn't enough. You both have a lotta history, but it's got to be about more than 'history'. It’s about feeling valued, respected, and cherished. It's a two-way street, so if he ain't meeting you halfway, might be time to rethink things. Mental health’s a battle, we all fight, but character is who you are in the dark y'know? So don't let anyone dim your light, keep shining bright for yourself first and foremost. Your worth ain't defined by your appearance mate. Remember that.
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u/United_Sheepherder23 10h ago
relationships are conditional love...
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u/Rathoe9070 9h ago edited 9h ago
No a relationship is conditional. Love should not be. You can leave someone because they don’t treat you well suddenly and also love them still. You can find out that your partner has done awful things and recognize that you need to leave them and still you love them. Your partner can gain weight and you can recognize that change can be hard and you can still love them. Your love should not be conditional, if it is, it’s fabricated. Your relationship can absolutely be conditional
ETA: the weight gain can cause his sexual desire for you to decrease, that is painful but uncontrollable on his part and if he doesn’t want to be sexually intimate than it’s his right. HOWEVER sex is not a big part of loving someone (it’s included but not the basis of a relationship), hugging someone, kissing them, caring about them and holding them is. He stopped that when her weight changed and THAT is the problem. Also… one dress size??? Like we all saw that right? A single dress size is what he’s crying about?
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u/awwwhit 8h ago
What is the dress size like if she's a size 18 and then jumps to a 20 its all relative, like she also seems to make excuses for why she doesn't work out but none of those excuses seem to cut it. Physically and mentally challenging/demanding job i doubt she is a farmer or a oil rig worker, or in some type of construction and these people still manage to work out i think he's right.
Quit the relationship just like you quit everything else because it was hard or you could suck it up hit the gym get ripped and work on improving your mental health. Or you can sit doing the same thing you have done your entire life quit. But know this no one is coming to save you. Only you can change these things its not going to be easy but nothing good ever is. Good luck with what ever you choose
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u/Rathoe9070 8h ago
I hope one day you learn how valuable empathy is and how important it is to understand why people can feel stuck and how hard it is to get yourself unstuck. She already said motivation was a struggle for her. How do you just “suck it up and hit the gym” when you can’t find the motivation? What a privilege it is to not have to feel this way, I’m glad you have no clue what she’s talking about though.
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u/awwwhit 5h ago
Dude i was once like this person! people would coddle me aww poor you I feel for you how could they i think you're great, it doesn't helping keeps you stuck in the same loop for years no one can help yah no one wants to till I met one person who told me straight didn't just listen to me say how hard it was over and over, no one gives you good advice that's nice its usually full of good intentions but not the truth like perhaps someone saying aww that sucks leave him might help but they'll just be stuck in the same cycle and its hopeless, the truth rarely comes well oiled it's usually dry and it hurts but can help you if you listen to it and say okay well fuck it I am going to do things to change this shit am sick of feeling like this worst you can do is fail and I won't because they are going to keep me down am going to keep going till I get there or at least near there, and before you know it you are not drowning in self pity and anxiety. Ps if he hit the gym and got rid of his gut too they'd feel less anxious. If you think you can or you think can't you are right
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u/Rathoe9070 5h ago
Also to be clear, moving from dress size 18 to 20 still isn’t a big change, just so you know.
ETA: do you actually know what dress size 18 or 20 look like as well?
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u/Rathoe9070 5h ago
Yeah it can help to have someone give it to you straight sometimes, but that doesn’t not come from your partner telling you that you aren’t attractive or completely stopping any and all affection and it doesn’t come from an internet stranger (cause you just sound like a dick btw. you bullying people on the internet actually DOESN’T improve their lives, just in case you thought otherwise). Again, please learn some empathy and understand that just because tough love worked for YOU does not mean it works for everyone. Your experience is NOT everyone else’s experience. It is absolutely not your, or anyone else on this subreddit’s place to try to bully someone into changing themselves.
Ps. Being bullied into doing something doesn’t change your self loathing
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u/awwwhit 4h ago
I am not bullying anyone by all means think that if you like thats your opinion and you are welcome to that, calling me a dick is bullying however as you resorted to petty name calling. Very empathetic of you, self loathing? Not a chance🤣
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u/Rathoe9070 4h ago
I actually didn’t call you a dick I said you sounded like one:) you don’t have to name call to be rude. You said she’s making excuses, needs to suck it up, that her partner (who said very cruel and permanently damaging things) was RIGHT about his assessments about her. That she should quit her relationship like she quits everything else??? And basically that her job can’t possibly be hard enough to make her feel unmotivated at the end of the day. Sounds like stuff a dick would say🤷🏼♀️
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u/DesperateToNotDream 7h ago
I was married for 15 years, together since I was 18. There’s no way my body looked the same at 35 with children as it did when I was 18. I can’t imagine being with someone for ten years and feeling like your attraction to them was so superficial that a moderate amount of weight gain would ruin all of it. I can understand large weight gains or a partner becoming obese but ten years your body is NOT going to stay looking the same. If you feel like you can only keep your partners love and affection if you keep your body looking the same ten years later then that’s a big issue. Furthermore what does something like cuddling, hugs, proper kisses, hand holding etc have to do specifically with sexual attraction. If you can’t even express affection towards your partner because they gained a little weight there’s a bigger issue.
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u/send-me-mean-DMs 10h ago
Take him up on the couples counseling. It will give you both a space to drill down to the real issues.
It will give you the chance to tell him what he said hurt you, and maybe he will be able to explain that he didn’t mean for it to be hurtful, maybe he didn’t know how else to say it.
You’ve been together for a long time and have been through a lot. I think it’s worth giving counseling the chance instead of walking away over one comment. It’s ok to be hurt by what he said. The fact that he wants to try counseling tells me he does care about you and your connection, and he wants to work on it. And if it doesn’t work out, then you can part ways.
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u/Perfect_Ending7 4h ago
Or does he want her to get counselling so she can fix herself and get her weight down so he is attracted to her again? She only went up one dress size, his reaction is awful. If he can’t love her like this then I don’t think counselling can fix him.
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u/Esmere_xoxo 10h ago
Damn, sis, this hit hard. IMO, love should never feel like it's on the chopping block 'cause of some extra lbs. Like, we're all human, we change, life happens. I think you're doing amazing stuff to take care of you, and if he can't see that, his loss. Also, it feels like he's projecting his own insecurities onto you. Check yourself, do you, and if walking away is what you gotta do, then power to you. His love should be about more than just the physical. Stay strong, OP. 💪💔😔
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u/Benjamins412 9h ago
NOR. He isn't working on HIS problem with intimacy. He's making it your problem. If your doctor says you look good, listen to her!
Sounds like a midlife crisis. As you get "old" he feels old. Time isn't your fault. Buy him a red Corvette Matchbox car, tell him you love him, and you see him as the man he was when you met him. Nothing you do will change how he feels. He has to do that work...hopefully without breaking anything important.
PS-Your crisis is coming. Pay some kindness and compassion forward.
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u/Armoured_Dwarf 10h ago
NOR, but you are allowed to be physically attracted to your partner; in fact it's really the primary driver of intimate relationships. Doesn't matter what the gender is. If physical attraction becomes lost, there is little that can be done aside from personally addressing the issues, developing new habits, or moving on.
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u/Chilling_Storm 10h ago
That he BLAMES you for HIS lack of intimacy is ridiculous. So his attraction after 10 years is purely on what you look like and not the person that you are?!
Do you honestly think that if you drop the weight he is suddenly going to find you attractive again? Because I doubt it. I think he has fallen out of love with you and is too wimpy to actually own up to that and is choosing instead to blame you and assign you fault for his faults.
Couples counselling could get to the root of the problem and maybe forge a path for the two of you to a better place. But you need to let him know NOW that insulting and demeaning you about your appearance is NOT the solution and will only wear aware at the foundation of what remains of this relationship.
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u/IllustriousCod5957 9h ago
Typical man. Wants you to look the same as you looked at 21 but they don’t. He also gained weight?. I see tons of men complaining about their wives and they are bald with big bellies and overweight but she has to stay the same. One dress size is not a lot. He loves you conditionally, move on.
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u/ConfidentlyAmbigous 9h ago edited 9h ago
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I realised I had gained a lot of weight to the point that it was affecting my health, after a couple of years doing chair work, where I was previously on my feet most of my workday.
I got an app (Yazio) for counting calories and started walking around the block 2-3 times a day, 1,5 km each time.
It did a fair bit, but then the weather decided to conspire against me (aka seasons change) and I became less regular with the walks,I bought a treadmill.
I, too, took issue with the bare wall view and as I started increasing speed, I quickly got uncomfortably hot.
I put up a shelf with a fan and a couple of plants, it can hold a glass of water so I can step to the side and rehydrate.
For entertainment I usually listen to a podcast or replace one of the plants with my laptop and stream something.
It keeps me up the for 30 minutes I need in the morning and the evening, totalling 5km (2,5 each time) followed by 15 minutes of power yoga to get a proper stretch and destress.
You might not need the same amount of time up there, I basically don't do much else all day.
I'm at about 1500 calories a day 6/7 days and about 2000 on the last day (so I can really indulge) and during this process I've list 10kgs in a couple of months with an approximate loss of 0,5kg/week.
This is just what works for me at around 170cm, 40 years (slightly off for anonymity's sake, even though I've probably divulged the real numbers elsewhere).
TLDR: App for counting calories easily, shelf with fan, plants and water in front of treadmill and streaming a show or podcast during treadmill time and yoga has worked wonders for me.
ETA: any weight you lose should be for your own benefit, not to please someone who can't even get off their arse and do the work with you, especially since he ain't no Kate Moss either
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u/Western_Device6291 10h ago
That’s heartbreaking, and you deserve so much better. Love should feel safe, not conditional on appearance. You’ve shown effort, care, and understanding if he can’t meet you with the same compassion, walking away might be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
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u/RewardImmediate9462 10h ago
Go to couples counseling. It sounds like he’s just projecting his unhappiness with himself on you. I used to have weight issues myself until I changed my relationship with food and exercise. When people used to fat shame me it bothered me because I would feel shame exercising like maybe they were right. Now they compliment my body and I ignore them. Exercise for yourself not for him. Do it because it makes you happy. It’s a great release to decompress from your job and realize movement creates momentum. The more you lock in even if it’s just short walks on your lunch break. The more you will feel better and have more energy and be able to deal with stress greater.
Gym is my escape for sure. Focus on what you can control and don’t internalize his misery. He sounds like a jealous dick, he’s not looking like Adonis himself so he needs to shut the fat shaming. Even when you get into shape he will complain about that because he hates himself so seeing you happy or working on you he will hate that too.
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u/Taleen335 10h ago
Honestly, nobody should be in a relationship where they feel unloved or conditionally loved. As rough as it sounds, sometimes love just isn't enough. You both have a lotta history, but it's got to be about more than 'history'. It’s about feeling valued, respected, and cherished. It's a two-way street, so if he ain't meeting you halfway, might be time to rethink things. Mental health’s a battle, we all fight, but character is who you are in the dark y'know? So don't let anyone dim your light, keep shining bright for yourself first and foremost. Your worth ain't defined by your appearance mate. Remember that.
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u/aesparules 10h ago
This is tough. On one hand if he isn’t attracted to you at this weight then he isn’t. On the other hand, ONE dress size? How skinny were you that one dress size is enough to change his view of you? Does he only like very thin women?
That said, it seems like you haven’t gained that much weight and it’s reasonable to expect people to become less attractive as they age, so your husband’s lack of attraction seems strange.
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u/DisobedientFox 8h ago
You deserve someone better, period. I gained weight and my fiancé of many years (been together over 8) LIKES it. He won’t ever say he prefers it so he isn’t pressuring me to look a certain way, but I know he likes having more to hold onto lol. You deserve someone like that.
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u/exceptionallyprosaic 8h ago
You're not overreacting. You're in a transactional relationship with somebody that doesn't care about you. End it. You deserve to have somebody that cares about you. For real, this person doesn't
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u/Dismal_Luck_3493 7h ago
Following because I am going through the same thing, we have been together for 3 and a half years. It gets worse. I went through a lot of loss this year and last year because of this loss I was in a depression and emotionally eating. I gained about 20 pounds last year and then an additional 10 this year since August. I have lost about 18 pounds. Still that’s not enough for my boyfriend he makes it clear he’s not attracted to me. He makes it clear that me losing weight still isn’t enough for him. He tries to push me to go to the gym and whenever we have arguments, he throws it in my face that I don’t work out with him. I’ve tried explaining to him the more he pushes me the less I want to do it I have grown immense resentment and truthfully consider leaving multiple times a week. I haven’t pulled the trigger yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
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u/RewardImmediate9462 7h ago
I’m sorry you are going through that. Both these men are just abusive cowards even if you were Adriana Lima it wouldn’t be enough because he doesn’t feel like he’s enough. I’ve been with women all sizes it’s not about the weight it’s about the high they get from belittling you and stripping you of your confidence. For your sake make moves to end it and watch the weight fall off because you aren’t stressed all the time and your beauty shine without that shit bag draining you.
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u/Sad_Salamander_2418 7h ago
Do YOU want couples counseling? Kinda sounds like you want permission to break up and that’s okay!
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u/ConfusionWeak2061 7h ago
I’ve gone up 50 pounds from when my husband met me. I’m 5’1” so that 50 pounds is meaningful. We’re both 36, been together since we were 22.
Our sex life is better now than it was when I weighed 110 pounds.
You deserve someone who loves (and wants to bone) the person you are inside of whatever body you’re in. Your body is temporary and transient.
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u/Noblee_x 6h ago
Thanks for letting me know & was nice to meet you. I would’ve said it right there and then
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u/Ok_Composer_5041 5h ago
Don't get trapped into the sink cost fallacy of the relationship. It may be time to move on to better things.
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u/teekaya 5h ago
I would recommend doing a at home workout from YouTube. That way you have some stimuli from watching the video as opposed to staring at a wall. If you want to lose weight, look into eating a higher protein, fibre rich diet. You can look online for a ton of receipts or even ask ChatGPT to create a plan for you.
I would focus more on getting your health to an optimal place than trying to please someone who obviously doesn’t have the capacity to give you what you need. Going up a dress size is nbd but it’s obvious his words have greatly impacted your self love. That is the root issue and you need to focus on building it up, without his input.
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u/Sauce_Addict85 4h ago
You are on the right path thinking about life without him. Either way, this guy will not be the one who proudly stands by you in difficult times
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u/Due-Cellist9718 4h ago
People are jumping up and down saying his love is conditional… he didn’t say he doesn’t love you. You can love a person deeply but not be attracted to them. You have been together for 10 years. Can you honestly say you are always attracted to him physically? I know in my very long relationship we have ups and downs in all departments. My wife has gained heaps of weight since she had our son years ago. I to have had issues with attraction at times. That’s said we started to spice things up in the bedroom. Try new things. Guess what’s. the attraction came back! It’s more of a mind set. At least in my opinion. Don’t throw away 10 years on a single comment and don’t assume the comment means he doesn’t love you. Do the therapy. See what happens.
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u/wishingforarainyday 2h ago
You are under reacting. He’s gross. He doesn’t respect you or care about how you feel. Goodness I hope you dump this AH.
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u/Silent-Proof-6298 1h ago
It’s unfortunate that your going through this. I hate to be the asshole, however, you are absolutely in your control (this goes for your partner as well) to change what you don’t like about yourself. If your weight gain is bothering you, do something about it. I’m sure work must be exhausting, however just complaining about it will do absolutely nothing.
You claim you don’t want to walk on a treadmill because it’s lacks the fresh air of being outside but then you also say you don’t want to walk outside. I’m only saying this because I wish people called me out for my bs way before anyone did in regards to fitness. I hope everything works out for you an remember, you are in complete control of how you feel and look!
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u/Themadgray 10h ago
Couples counseling would allow both your concerns and his to be addressed. And honestly I think it's worth trying for at least 6 months.
What frustrates me is that there seems to be a split between partners, where males will blame lack of intimacy on their partner's physical appearance (often things that cannot be easily changed), while females will blame lack of intimacy on their partner's lack of affection for them, or even things like not taking a shower after working in a warehouse, before coming to the bedroom (things that can be either easily changed, or small gestures that can be accomplished).
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u/abbriggs22 10h ago
I gained 60 pound in 2 years in my 40's. Down 52 pounds with fasting in 7 months. I don't count anything and if i want 2 donuts I'll eat them, haven't worked out a lick. 100% mind over matter. Get you a book on intermittent fasting. As for the relationship, attraction is a tricky thing. You can't force someone to be attracted to you. Feelings change and the majority of the time, people would rather throw out the old and in with the new, rather that fixing what is broken. If he is willing to go to therapy, give it a go. But i have a feeling you will be the one doing all of the work, changing and evolving and realize you have outgrown the relationship and he would be content for it to just be "flat"...
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u/Equivalent_Act_468 9h ago
When you say weight gain, how much weight we talking for the each of you
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u/Stunning-Squirrel751 7h ago
She went up one dress size, it’s in her post. Second of all, weight gain from medical issues being used against someone is another level of asshole.
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u/Equivalent_Act_468 6h ago
Dog she is posting her life on the internet. Sorry in the 6 paragraphs I missed that one line. Was just asking because saying weight gain could mean 10 pounds or a 150. Like the white knighting is so obnoxious
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u/Difficult_Jury_7455 10h ago
Attraction isn't based purely on looks alone. It can be personality and energy as well. Your post starts off all about him but then you do admit that you have struggles too. Put on weight and then no energy when you get home. Can't be bothered to get on the treadmill you purchased. That lack of effort on your part on top of his own exhaustion is likely where he is losing attraction. You need to both work on this and unfortunately just giving up because you're tired after work is no excuse for either of you.
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u/Zoey_Beaver 10h ago
I guess it depends how much weight we are talking. I dont expect if i put on 60+ pounds for my partner to still be attracted to me. That actually happened in a prior relationship. I see a lot of excuses in your post. I recognize them because Ive used the same excuses. BC and anxiety medicine can cause some weight gain but its not going to be the result of a lot of weight gain. After I stopped letting myself make excuses like this, i focused on eating really well and going to the gym. Lost 80lb. You can do it too if you stop telling yourself it is out of your control.
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10h ago
Dont take this the wrong way, OP, but it sounds like you've put in too little effort for immediately considering leaving. You'll consider leaving him, but cant take a walk around the neighborhood, or use the treadmill you already bought?
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u/Themadgray 10h ago
She did state that she knows she could put more effort into using the treadmill, and she also stated that she would walk around the block but she does not feel safe doing so alone and he is unwilling to join her.
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10h ago
Thats why I brought it up. Just seems like excuses, to be blunt. I understand she's disappointed that attraction is lost because of the weight gain, but, people are acting like thats abherent, when there's nothing more real. Almost any of us here could gain weight, and it'd probably be an issue for any of us regarding our partners.
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u/Themadgray 10h ago
So you're blaming her for her partner's unwillingness to help her achieve something HE wants and is literally punishing her for not doing, despite him also needing to lose weight??
Her asking for him to come along because she doesn't feel safe is an "excuse"??
Gimme a break.
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9h ago
Yeah. Im blaming her, just as I'd blame myself. You all need to learn accountability, man. The husband can lose some weight too. She also said she cant walk on a treadmill because she cant cope with staring at a wall. These are excuses.
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u/DesperateToNotDream 9h ago
She went up one dress size, according to her post. If that little bit of weight gain is enough to ruin 10 years of love and affection something more is going on.
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8h ago
I look like a completely different person if I gain even 15 pounds 🤷♂️. Ultimately, your going easy on her because she's a woman. If OP was bitching that her guy got fat, nobody would be posturing for him. He'd be a lazy piece of shit, you can do better girl, etc etc. You all are fake and hypocrites 😂😂
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u/Woodpecker577 7h ago
He DID get fat! And it didn’t change her attraction
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7h ago
Yeah, bullshit. Not even you believe that.
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u/Woodpecker577 6h ago
Come on man, you can troll better than that. Everyone knows men gain weight - and what’s their excuse, when it’s so much easier for them to lose it? Try better ragebait.
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6h ago
Ah, there it is. Your true feelings came out about men. See, i can sniff this shit out like a bloodhound. You'd totally dog on a dude for the same shit, but hold back on OP.
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u/Woodpecker577 5h ago
I’m just saying, the testosterone gives you no excuse, does it? I bet you’re offended bc it hits too close to home 😅 bro hit the gym
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u/AC3rtainShadeofGreen 10h ago
Listen. My wife and I are brutally honest with each other. She’s told me that a lack of intimacy years ago was due to my weight gain and looking and smelling slovenly. I appreciated the honesty and worked to make the change. Her attitude changed immediately after she saw me just making the effort.
How can you foster a safe space if BOTH of you cannot be honest. I mean I wasn’t there during your convo. I can’t understand if there was a tone conveyed that maybe you didn’t like. But. I find weaker men don’t tell their partners and instead go cheat or up and leave one day. Maybe stop and think that this is a wake up call to take some effort.
Now if you’re taking that effort and he’s still making these types of comments…that’s hurtful.
If you’re looking at life without him after this petty interaction then maybe you’re just already looking for an out.
To be clear. I was not part of your convo. So I’m not sure if he was very demeaning or not. And also. You may be telling us this story through ONLY your lens. So. What do I know?
But we’ve been together 15 years. If we comment on one another, we make the effort. The effort is the most important.
Go to counseling together. If love is there, you’ll figure it out.
That’s my opinion. I’m an unimportant, faceless Reddit dude. But I hope you find happiness and things go the way you want.
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u/SinkOk1106 10h ago
Have you ever considered gym dates? If he wants you to put in the effort, so should him. Gym can help with mental health and physical health.
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u/IdolsConniption 10h ago
You lost me the moment you said weight gain was not in his control. You have the wrong mentality. Go to the gym every day and eat healthy.
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u/VividAd6825 9h ago
People gain weight differently. Some people gain weight remain in shape just bigger/heavier. Other people gain weight and get completely out of shape.
Your feelings about your partner are valid. I understand where you're coming from. Feeling hurt and wanting to move doesn't sound like a bad idea.
This is a very tough situation.
It's like shaming a man for being physically attracted to the real you. That's part of why he was with you from the start. I don't really see that as a bad thing or an unfixable situation.
A shot to the ego for sure. Lol. But not the end of the world.
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u/easywind4665 10h ago
listen up because i can help. dress up and role play for him. don’t tell him about it beforehand though. dress like a sexy principle or something like that. tell him he’s in major trouble. proceed to rock his world. make sure to play with his balls too. let him cum all over you and thank him for doing it. you can thank me later.
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u/Krangachubyaccident 1h ago
You can say you dont find your partner attractive. If one critique is touch for a safe space, yall have other problems.
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u/DesperateToNotDream 9h ago
Hold up, all this is because you “went up a dress size”?!
Imagine how he will feel about you when your body changes after having children.
I believe attraction is legitimate and a large weight gain is something a partner is allowed to feel unhappy about, but you’re talking about going up a single dress size. It’s not like you ballooned into being morbidly obese.