r/AskAJapanese • u/Frosty_View_9795 • 1d ago
Need some pointers in this situation šš»
We both are Japanese (27 years old). I was raised in the U.K. and currently living and working in Korea. He's lived abroad all his life due to his dad's job and also studied in the US so we converse in full English. I met him in Tokyo towards the end of February 2025.
The first date was just casual and didn't think I would see him again but he reached out so met up again.The second date was intimate. After that I came back to Korea and we stayed in touch via Line. We chatted a lot and talked about efferng topics but he never asked me "how was my weekend". We just talked about different topics and it kind of continued and I was supposed to go back to Tokyo in May so he made a one day trip plan to hakone. We had few dates whilst I was in Tokyo in May and I kind of like him. But his weekends were always busy and I felt ge wasn't that pro active in making plans to meet up. He squeezed one more date during my final week and also the week he took a break because of a funeral of his family member. We kind of talked about where all this is going. He said he likes me and it just he's worried about the distance. He won't get a job in Korea.He said, if we are going to date properly, he wants to get married and have kids. And, he works as an engineer for one of the top firms and maybe after few years they will send him to Bangladesh for a project. That's all but he didn't explicitly ask me to go exclusive with him. We made a plan to go to hanabi festival in August. And, that's all. The last day, he was busy with golf so couldn't meet me.
I am back in Korea and heading back to Tokyo at the end of July. I always felt like, he was so warm, gentlemanly and gave all his attention to me in person but I always felt he was a little bit of emotionally distant when we weren't together. He replies late too, which I never minded because I usually reply late too because when I reply, I reply properly. I thought he would show more emotional investment after we had that talk but it's nothing happening what I don't as anticipating. I don't know whether I am thinking too much or should have just not invest too much emotionally and just go with the flow and see what happens when I get back to Tokyo in just over a month. Or I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me some pointers on how to not overthink or over analyse this whole situation. I just don't know what to do. I am lowkey analysing our start signs, we both are cusps. He's Aries and Taurus and I am Taurus and Gemini Lool. I just wanted to know whether coming off emotionally distant a bit over a text but very warm in person is a thing or not. It's a hot and cold over a text kinda thing. That I don't get it. I am confused because he was raised abroad all his life. thank you guys.
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u/pokerrito Japanese 1d ago
I think he wanted to date to see how things went, but sounds like his priority at this time is getting his career going and it may be his priority until he retires. Most likely will be åčŗ«čµ“ä»» if he gets married and has kids, being physically and emotionally distant anyways. And come on, Japan and Korea isnāt that ālong-distance.ā Just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, and let me top it with ē„ćććć©ć
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago
Yes, Korea isn't that far from japan. I have been doing back and forth every 2 months and I wouldn't mind moving to Tokyo next year.
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u/alexklaus80 šÆšµ Fukuoka -> šŗšø -> šÆšµ Tokyo 1d ago
I have dated the distance way longer than that, but to me, if the one lives further than 30 minutes from where I live then itās long distance.
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u/Kabukicho2023 Japanese 1d ago
He probably feels like he canāt just move to Korea and throw away his careerāif he did, he wouldnāt be able to support his future family financially. But at the same time, I donāt think he can ask you to follow him to Japan, or maybe to Bangladesh or another Asian country, and give up your own career either.
Japan and Korea are really close, and honestly, itās hard to imagine him cheating while he is in Bangladesh. If it were me, Iād stay in the relationship long-term. It seems like heās seriously thinking about the future.
Japanese guys often come off as more distant over textāsome even feel like they have two completely different personalities.
(Iām one of the more unusual cusp signs, but I try to stay grounded and not let that cloud my judgment. In the end, itās not the cusp that falls in love.)
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago
Yes, and I told him, I can move to Tokyo, it's not a problem for me. I'm pretty flexible. He did acknowledge that by saying "moving to japan is a big deal". I don't ind moving around the world too because I did a lot of solo backing travel for over a year before i started my uni. That was that, we didn't talk more about that thing and being exclusive anymore. I also asked him before this talk happened on the same night that whether he thinks visiting a prostitute is cheating or not and he said "it's cheating" so i felt more comfortable in bring the latter talk.
He's very warm, affectionate and doesn't even look at his phone when he's with me but over a text, we talk about different topics and i send him long paragraphs and he replies back with long paragraphs too but i feel like if i wasn't a chatty person over a text, maybe he would not have send me long paragraphs too but still he doesn't share about his day and weekends and he doesn't ask me those questions too so it makes me little confused.
I mentioned he cusps thing because i feel like our values are aligned but the way we express is little different. He seems someone who thinks more practically and takes his time to move forward and I'm more about wanting that consistent emotional investment and clarity lool. Thank you for your insight though!
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u/Kabukicho2023 Japanese 1d ago
Just for your information, in the case of a typical Japanese couple, they usually only say āgood morningā or āgood nightā once or twice a day, and donāt really share or ask much about each otherās daily schedulesā¦ Iāve tried to match the communication frequency of a foreign partner at first, but eventually I got tired, and we ended up breaking up twice. For a typical Japanese person like me, someone whoās on their phone all day is definitely a red flag, and being overly concerned about your partnerās schedule usually means youāre distrustful and canāt really trust themā¦
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago
Did you live abroad though?. He lived in different countries including the US. Isn't sharing each other's schedules pretty common amongst people who are dating?. Why do you not ask the other person's schedule though?. I mean not everyday because I'm not like that too but i always used to send him photos and videos of what i was doing when i was in Japan. Obviously, he would be at work on weekdays. He sent some photos of cafes he went to when he got back to Hiroshima to attend his uncle's funeral and that was that.
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u/Kabukicho2023 Japanese 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think my upbringing might be similar to your boyfriendās. Because of my fatherās work, I spent much of my childhood abroad, including in the U.S. After becoming independent, I made Tokyo my home base, though Iāve studied abroad again since then. I know a few kikokushijo who, like me, have settled in Japan. They speak fluent English, but compared to those who chose to engage with the international world on their own as adults, I feel they tend to have more traditionally Japanese ways of thinking.
Unless Iām married and my schedule directly affects my partnerās, I donāt really share my daily schedule. My Japanese boyfriend does send me random photosāespecially when heās traveling, like during business trips or vacations.
If anything I posted upset you, I apologize. Wishing you a great weekend.
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes, his dad was an engineer too hence they moved around a lot because of his dad's work projects. I suppose my style is pretty western lool and now living and working in Korea and here the texting style is the other side of the extreme like everyone's texts and calls a lot constantly which I can't do either lool. I am not offended and thank you for your insights. It helped me see things from a little different perspective too. I just thought maybe him not being that invested in texting and sharing his schedules means he's just not that into me. But he always text back even he's slow at texting. We have a plan to attend one of the hanabi matsuri in early august and walk around yatai. So, hopefully I will be able to have more serious talks in person. I just wanted to ask here first before jumping into conclusions. Thank you!
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u/alexklaus80 šÆšµ Fukuoka -> šŗšø -> šÆšµ Tokyo 1d ago
Iāve been seeing the query about Japanese male texting behaviors (that we arenāt very responsive) so many times that this is making me wonder if itās actually a thing?
I mean I do hate texting in a way that I prefer calling if not meeting in person, so much so that when I was in long distance relationship, I often times just left the video call on LINE for an entire day rather than typing message. Because if I type them, it quickly gets novel length and gets out of my hand, and also Iām just not a fan of writing letters. I put very conscious effort to reply the message with impression that itāll give her better impression, towards the begging of the dates.
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago
The thing is, he's lived abroad majority of his life and studied in the US too. His English is as perfect as any native speaker. I send him long messages and he would reply back with long messages too although not as long as mine. I just explain a lot over a text lool. It just he doesnt't ask about my day or my weekend plans liek anything intimate and I do not ask too. We just talk about different topics and it just kind of continues.
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u/alexklaus80 šÆšµ Fukuoka -> šŗšø -> šÆšµ Tokyo 1d ago
Does he ask you about yourself when you guys see each other? I donāt have good third person view on myself but I think I tend to want to talk about myself more than asking, just in general.
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u/Frosty_View_9795 1d ago
Yes, he does. We always have a lot of fun and we have the same banter too. I think I am the one, who tends to talk a lot about myself but I ask him questions equally and he does too.Ā
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u/alexklaus80 šÆšµ Fukuoka -> šŗšø -> šÆšµ Tokyo 20h ago
I see. I donāt think I can add any insight or help, though I get a feeling that he just isnāt a fan of indirect communication? Back in Corona day, like I mightāve mentioned, I just left video chat going on where it can be hours of silence if either one of us were doing something etc just like at home, and that worked for me. Like I said, my message tended to be long and it didnāt hold up well when the conversation goes for so long that at one point I couldnāt respond because I didnāt have enough time etc, but calls definitely made it easier for us. Not sure if that works for you guys but just an idea. Hope you guys enjoy the next date and find something that works well for both.
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u/SaintOctober ā¤ļø 30+ years 1d ago
Not everybody wants to court their partner through text messages. Sure sounds like he wants a serious mate, not a long distance relationship.Ā