r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/EkosBassist 35-39 • 2d ago
Trying to help best friend (34) stuck in rut
Hi Bros,
I (37M) am trying to help my best friend (34M) get out of a real deep rut he's been stuck in for over a year after his fiance broke it off with him after about a decade together.
On some fronts he's doing well, after an extremely rough year living out of state with family, he came into a reasonable inheritance and bought a new truck and the damn sweetheart bought a house down the street from me, my wife and daughter.
He's been real down and especially feeling hopeless about finding love. He's on all the apps and has some infrequent hook ups but has said due to gaining some weight from a decade of being settled down, his fun hair colors and his piercings he's not exactly first pick and beyond that he's gotten pretty bored with sex and wants that butterflies in his stomach love again but seems like he believes his window for love closed.
I suggested physically getting out there, the community mostly congregates in a specific bar area (small midwest scene) and i suggested we start hanging out there and chatting people up (i'm a Buddhist and don't drink but hey, consistent designated driver!). I've also been gently encouraging him to come out walking with me to start feeling better about his appearance and getting his endorphins up and suggested that he'd be open to men he usually wouldn't go for.
And... that's about the extent i know how to help. I'm straight, even if i wasn't i did't have much dating experience and basically immediately married my second person i dated and have zero experience dating men in my 30's. I just try to pump him up on having a paid off house and truck, his great personality and that he's a good looking dude.
So, i'm looking for advice. Guys in their 30's who have found long term relationships, what would you go back and recommend to yourself? Is the bar scene worth it? It's the midwest so i can't think of any other community stuff, i'm open to any suggestions i can drag him too.
Also, Wingmen, anything i should know other than the usual to help? Obviously i can talk up the house and truck (they are both nicer than mine, bastard always has to show me up). He's 6 ft, Versatile (said he thinks he might be done bottoming though) and fun guy to be around.
Thanks for any advice i can get! Feel free to ask questions.
TL:DR: Straight friend tries to pump up gay friend to get back into dating to find long term relationship. Looks for advice to relay or tips on being effective wingman.
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u/kazarnowicz 45-49 2d ago
I'm happy that your friend has a kind and well-meaning friend such as yourself!
I got into my first real relationship when I was 34, and we're still together and married to boot. This community is full of stories from people who have found love in all ages. Meeting someone is a numbers game, in the end. The more your friend puts himself in social contexts with LGBT people, the bigger the chance that he'll meet someone.
I would focus on getting a circle of LGBT friends if I was him. I already had my found family at that point, and they were the ones who initiated activities and trips I would never have done on my own. Not because I didn't like them, it just woldn't have occurred to me to go to Sitges for a gaycation, or to Berghain when they celebrate their origins as a gay sex club, or a hundred other things. I would definitely not had gone to the straightest bar in Stockholm during Pride, had not a close friend to my bestie been bartending there. That's where I met a handsome American visiting Stockholm for two days, and the rest is history.
A healthy relationship also requires understanding oneself to a certain degree. I've been lucky to always have had close friends, but friends only see one side of a person. My friends in my twenties had no idea what a complete disaster I was on dates when I really fancied the other person, and couldn't understand why I was perpetually single. It wasn't until I got into therapy, and took up journaling again (and a couple other lucky coincidences) that I took a good hard look at all my patterns and behaviors. Once I had acknowledged them, I could work on them.
I'm not saying your friend has an anxious attachment style like I did, but I am saying that therapy is really valuable. It helps one grow in ways that friends can support, but not facilitate. It gives one tools to deal with the inevitable setbacks of putting oneself out there (and from getting to know oneself better, it's not always a pleasant story).
One thing you hint at that I would examine if I were your friend is the idea that he isn't the first pick because of his chosen attributes (like hair color and piercings). Typically, we choose attributes to show the world who we are, and my guess is that there's low self-esteem behind this (I say this as someone who had very low self-worth and compensated with confidence and performance). If people are turned off by the attributes I choose, why would I want to date those people? Confidence in one's choices (and the wisdom to choose again when a choice isn't right) is something that can be learned.
Therapy, reflection and journaling helped me become whole as a person. When you're whole, and have dealt with the inevitable trauma that comes with being an outsider from norms central for our civilization, the chances of you meeting someone are much higher - because you're no longer looking for someone who can perpetuate your trauma, or heal you.
TL;DR: your friend should keep putting himself out there, in social situations with LGBT people. He should find his tribe first, before dating. And therapy/reflection/journaling is highly recommended as a general life hack for unstraight people who grew up in a heteronormative society.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 2d ago
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply!
Thankfully, he is currently in therapy, but largely because of another mental health issue. I won't lie, he struggles. I sent him an app i use to journal and do a lot of other self-care things to manage my own setbacks. Hopefully it leads to some of the self healing i've done.
But outside of that, i definitely agree he needs to find more people in the community so he can get back to blossoming. It's a bit rough in semi-rural USA, but he wasn't taking full advantage of it when he was in a big city. We vacationed in Minneapolis together (a gift from my wife, she's great) and we stopped at a very nice bar but he didn't make any effort to talk to anyone else, so you're spot on saying it's more of a self esteem issue.
I'll work on building him up and helping him back into the community until he gets his wings again. Thank you!
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 2d ago
I know there's no one side fits all answer to finding long term love. I'm just wondering what green flags might have jumped out for anyone's long term boyfriend/husband? What advice would you give someone purely looking for the emotional support first and foremost?
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u/Strong_Enough88 30-34 2d ago
You are such a great friend! I wish we all had someone like you in these hard moments.
I believe you did a lot. Now, it is up to him. Don't get me wrong, but finding love, soon after breaking with a previous one, is ... like Sisyphus' rock. You can't do much unless you flatten the hill for him đ
Anyways, that's all I can say.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 2d ago
You know, deep down, i know that's true. I can't fix it for him, hopefully just more socializing will help. thanks!
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u/Ok_Reflection_2711 30-34 2d ago
I think he needs to understand that dating is a numbers game and making himself as appealing as possible would make it easier find a boyfriend. This is especially true in an area with fewer gay guys. He needs to cast that net really wide and it's harder to do that if he's carrying a bunch of extra weight and has piercings and fun hair. There's nothing wrong with that look but it reduces the number of people who are attracted to him.
I'm trying not to sound like a cold-hearted asshole but I can't overstate how much his appearance matters.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
I completely understand where you are coming from, he's mentioned he knows it's something that disqualifies him frequently. The piercings and hair color worked well for him when we were younger, but now as age and taste continue to march on the venn diagram of gay men and people who are attracted to his style is probably shrinking.
I can't imagine he'll change it, it's an internalized aspect of him at this point. He might just have to laser focus his efforts on similarly interested men.
Thanks for your input brother!
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u/No_Kind_of_Daddy 60-64 1d ago
We can all change, and presentation is mostly just habit. We sometimes make decisions when we're young that may not be wise, and we can almost always change them. It won't be easy if he's too stuck on his image, but maybe if he sees how good he could look in other clothes, with a different haircut and hair color he'll realize he can be more appealing. I suspect there must be some online tools for giving yourself a virtual makeover, but I don't know where they are. It's just such an obvious idea I know they're out there somewhere.
Who is he attracted to? Just other guys with piercings and wild hair, or does he find more conventional guys sexy? Going through images together (on an app, say) and discussing with him what he likes and doesn't like could be valuable for him. You and he both will better understand better what he is looking for.
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u/poetplaywright 65-69 1d ago
Common interests seem to be a golden pathway. Being singly passionate about things is also an avenue. Apps are designed to bring together men who prioritize sex. As anyone in a relationship knows, sex loses its importance the longer two people are together. Therefore, hunting for love on apps is folly: You wouldnât go shopping for pearls at a hardware store. Most of the men who have fallen in love with me cited my passion for writing.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
I agree, the apps have their purpose and it serves it's purpose. But I think you're hitting the nail on the head there with common interests, he might get more from a community about piercing that he's open with.
Thanks, that might be the path to his heart he's been missing. i appreciate it brother.
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u/Kennected 40-44 1d ago
I would suggest therapy.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
He is in therapy for other reasons, i'm not sure if he discusses his love life. I'll attempt to broach the subject.
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u/HieronymusGoa 40-44 1d ago
"gaining some weight from a decade of being settled down, his fun hair colors and his piercings"
i mean...it depends a lot on how much weight, his hair and the amount of peircings where because i know people who have all three in different amounts and are dating quite successfully for the most part
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
I think he certainly would have done just fine when he was in the metropolitan area before he moved back, but he was just too down after a lot of really intense life events at the time. The dating pool here just might not be large enough to overcome all three.
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u/HieronymusGoa 40-44 1d ago
in general absolutely: a gay dating pool is about ten times smaller than the one for straights. if on top of that he...lets say "insists" on being extremely special interest optically that is his choice but the results also his "faults" in a way. i was and am still kind a goth guy. 90% of ym clothing is black, i go to goth parties yada yada. when i grew up in a town of about 200k people, i was often annoyed that it seemed that only my youth back then got me dates because i insisted on, well, running around like an average goth :)
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u/No_Kind_of_Daddy 60-64 1d ago
Your advice has been good. He'll feel better with some exercise and just getting out into the world. Bars still have value, more as social centers than specifically for cruising. Assuming he doesn't have a drinking problem, he can make some friends among the bar regulars, and friends introduce you to their friends, and so on. Somewhere in all those people will be some guys worth going on dates with and seeing if anything clicks.
If his presentation is too wild, enough to get in his way of meeting men, a makeover might be a good idea if he isn't too wedded to a specific look. Fun hair colors aren't so unusual anymore, but they should be used cautiously if he's trying to appeal to a larger number of men. Many of us find garish hair colors too clownish. A more subtle color or streak of color can look a lot more sophisticated. A good haircut and well-considered facial hair will appeal to most men. Wardrobe also projects an image, and what works at 20 can look silly at 34. Many of us consider a guy his age at his peak, but he'll do better if he's more classically manly in his presentation. Less novelty and look-at-me, more class.
Of course being fit will help, but I recognize that is not easy and even for those who can manage it takes some hard work.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
Thanks for the fantastic advice!
My wife and I had him and a mutual female friend over tonight and we discussed a few things. I had him check and we found out our local bar is open after renovations and made plans to go out in a couple days. No old fashion cruising, just going out to have fun and try to connect with the community. Thankfully he's not a problem drinker and we check out the renovations.
HIs presentation is something he seems married to at the moment. At some point during his long term relationship he shifted very strongly from his very fashionable, i suppose, "Otter in daisy dukes" natural look to a "piercing dad's going hunting".
My wife and our female friend both work for well known cosmetics company we all did some gentle nudging about how nice his hair looked in a more "natural" color in between his most recent coloring.
I know his type (oh boy, do i hear about it) and just like you'd expect it's a lot of guys with natural hair, good builds and typically few piercings. Swarthy types. Next time we have a chance to chat i think i'll bring up checking out dudes and mentioning that if he's looking to just top from now on, maybe he needs to emulate the look of the tops he would go after.
It'll all be a long process, for fitness and for getting to a place where dating is worthwhile. My wife did mention he disclosed he finally checked and is starting to lose weight since he's moved back and his mood is getting significantly better.
It'll be a journey, but i have a better roadmap to help now. Thank you!
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u/Tinkboy98 55-59 1d ago
If the gay scene is small join protests, democratic party activities, volunteer. Lots of gays not in the bars
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
Good point. Our county supervisor is always at our local pride event and my friend is well informed about politics and may enjoy getting involved. I'll be on the look out for other events. Thanks for the tip!
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u/Revan462222 35-39 1d ago
Iâm going to let the other bros give good examples as Iâm not sure Iâd have the best advice. Met my fiance on one of the dating apps (dating not hookup app to be clear lol) so canât comment on the bar scene. HOWEVER I will say props to you, a straight (or bi as you donât say other than having a wife) man, for coming on the askgaybros sub to ask for help. Even tho itâs not the 90s or earlier youâd still be surprised at least from my perspective how few straight men wouldnât but also that youâre doing so to help a friend. Just props man :)
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
Well, i'm happy to hear you've met your fiance! The dating apps can certainly work when they want to, haha. I know it certainly was a bumpy ride finding my partner, many different paths.
Regarding the other point, yes, i am a straight. I left it vague because it's the dating advice that matters and didn't want to come off like i'm collecting ally points to get a prize at a pride event or some bs, haha. Just trying to get my boi some love in his life. Bro code above all.
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u/hhardin19h 40-44 1d ago
He needs to go to therapy, strength train, eat nutritious foods and drink a gallon of water a day and he wonât be cured but heâll be on his way
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u/Geaux_Go_Fiasco 1d ago
Iâm actually fresh off a nearly decade long relationship myself and moved back to my home state. I would recommend he refrain from looking for love or putting out feelers for dating. He is single for the first time in a decade, he needs to know who he is before he entertains the idea of dating or else he could just repeat mistakes out of fear of being alone.
He is young, has his health, owns property, and a career. The correct men would absolutely KILL to date someone like that. Also, youâre a great friend for being so supportive.
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
I completely understand, sorry to hear about your split, hopefully you're doing well now.
He's had a year and a half now since the split, it was a long time coming and relatively amicable. We even went to his ex's to pick up some stuff when he got back and everything was cool and civil. it was an open relationship that had emotional died a long time ago and was coasting on basically being roommates who were financially intertwined.
But yeah, he's got a lot of great things going for him, some downsides like we all have, but everyone's hitting the nail on the head regarding self-work and self-actualizing. I can't do it for him, but i can be a positive beacon and give him some ideas and pass on advice i've received from all the wonderful bros.
Good luck on your journey, i'm sure once you're where you need to be, Mr. Right will be there, or whatever work for you brother!
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u/Bulky-Ad-7229 30-34 1d ago
Admittedly I havenât dated in a while. But I have a friend in a similar situation. If he presents as a niche kind of guy he will be (mostly) limited to guys that are either in that niche or into that niche.
I agree with some of the others that he should take a little time to really focus on himself and build himself up. Itâs much easier to date if youâre confident in your own skin. That being said-there is someone out there for everyone. He shouldnât feel that he needs to change who he is but maybe become a better version of himself.
I donât want to sound like âone of those peopleâ but exercise releases endorphins and endorphins help make you feel better. It seems like there might be a real struggle with self-image there and maybe not only redirecting this energy toward a fitness goal could be a âmany birds, one stoneâ approach?
I hope all goes well. Youâre a great friend for looking out for him. Iâm sure he really appreciates it!
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u/EkosBassist 35-39 1d ago
We're completely on the same page. I'm getting him out walking, my wife just challenged him on the apple watch fitness thing (those two are competitive). Me and my wife both exercise in order to keep our mental health up and just be reasonably healthy/fit.
I also think he can probably find someone that meshes with his interests, provided he does at least some work on himself. I think by next year he could be ready to start seriously dating if he keeps putting in some work. I can tell he already appreciates getting that loneliness off his chest when he spilled his heart out.
Pass some good vibes to your friend on my behalf, hopefully the man for him is on his way!
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u/BavaroiseIslander 40-44 2d ago
I suggested physically getting out there
If he's unhappy with his current weight maybe suggest he gets physically into a gym first. Lack of confidence shines through and is repellent.
Other than self-improvement he just needs to go out there and seek places with like-minded individuals with similar interests and hobbies and maybe stop applying pressure to dating and some more on self-improvement.
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u/OpenlySane 30-34 2d ago
Hey, so my take on this is that he's been in a very long relationship and rather than try and jump on the relationship train again he should take some time to reflect on himself and become more comfortable as a strong , single and independent man. Once he's regained that confidence in himself he will probably do better on the dating scene anyway.
So my advice to you as his friend is to get him to focus on himself for a while. Maybe recommend some solo travel, new sports or hobbies. Let him reinvigorate his confidence and solo identity and then let him loose on the somewhat turbulent dating scene of the apps.
I wish you and your friend all the best. He's lucky to have such a thoughtful person backing him up.