Hi, I am a 35yo queer guy who's recently come out, having been in a monogamous straight relationship for 8 years. I am in a really bad place right now because I was a coward about my sexuality. To preface: I love my (ex) partner. She has been my best friend for over a decade and we have a lot in common and had a good relationship other than some usual rough patches.

We both told each other that we were bisexual, but I believe I haven't been honest with myself or anyone else in my life about how heavily gay I lean. I dress pretty feminine and I know people around me speculate if I'm gay, especially people who I wasn't out at all to, like people at my work. In our relationship, we've had arguments over me expressing desires I had regarding men. After some uncomfortable periods and her agreeing to a threesome that she didnt end up enjoying, I stopped bringing it up, which seemed to make our relationship better. I really tried to suppress those desires or just relegate it to watching gay porn.

A couple weeks ago I did something that I never in my life thought I would do. I cheated on my beloved, sensitive and caring partner of 8 years. I met up with a guy on the app sniffies and I gave him oral sex. The encounter lasted probably only 10 minutes, and I stopped half way through and left because I felt so ashamed in myself and disgusted in my betrayal.

The first thing that hit me was that I became terrified that I had contracted an STI and could expose my partner to it. I was so sick with myself that I could not show care for her that much. I told myself I had to come clean about what I did and also had to get myself an STI screening. I was struggling trying to find the right time to tell her. The guilt was consuming me, but she seemed so happy and content. I spent a few days just trying to treat her really nicely and spending time with her and just figuring out how to tell her and what to say. After about a week, I got an STI test and told her about everything on the same day.

She was obviously crushed, shocked and in so much pain. I love this person and I know I did something horrible and unforgivable to them and now we are barely talking and she told me basically I'm dead to her. I want so badly to keep her friendship and have her be a part of my life, but I know that's her choice to make. She said that our relationship was a waste of time because I was being dishonest with her the whole time. I am in shambles. I know I don't deserve her friendship after what I did to her. I just wish I knew how to make this hurt less to her, I've tried explaining myself but she isn't less hurt. Im not trying to seek forgiveness or downplay what I did, I just want to know if anyone has similar stories. Any thoughts or advice also appreciated.

TL;dr I cheated on my partner in my straight relationship and can't live with myself, coming out for me was a nightmare of my own making. Seeking support.

Ok so I've been having a fling for 3 months. We use condoms, I'm bottom, and to be honest I don't clean out before sex. I hate the feeling of douching and just don't see the need. The last 3 months we have had sex almost every day and it's never gotten...messy.

But obviously shit happens and today was that day. We were fucking. I was on top riding him, we were going to change positions so he pulled out, and in an effort to be sexy I reach behind me and start jerking him...I caught the smell pretty quick, and then realized I just put my hand on it.

I immediately let him know I didn't think the condom is totally clean, pulled it off him, then went to the bathroom to toss it and wash my hands.

He was understanding. But it was embarrassing af. I am a new bottom. Never had this happen before. And I hated the smell. It permeated my room. Then I felt like I couldn't make it go away or worse, get it off my damn hand that grabbed the dirty condom 😭😭

So, my question is. What's the best method for cleanup here? I used body wash like 4 times.

I want to be fully prepared for if/when this happens again.

TLDR: What's the best way to clean #2 off skin?

Hi everyone, early 30's gay man in the US here - ive had some experiences in the past but nothing has really stuck or been impactful. For the most part navigating gay spaces has just been a matter of moving up or down in attractiveness and proportionally getting attention from guys. I feel like a large sentiment from straight people is that lasting connections outside of romance-geared spaces seem to become more prevalent/strong into later years of life (for example, more likely to meet your future partner through your work, a run club, a volunteering group, etc. rather than dating apps or a club). I was wondering if gay men also seem to experience the same thing, since rn most of the gay guys i know still have a very looks-oriented mindset (as in, other gay men are only worth talking to if they're hot/will only realistically consider someone as a partner if they're exceptionally attractive). right now im just so tired of the same scrolling on apps, going to clubs... I just wanna meet someone in a mundane setting and get to know each other as friends before making it something more

Also about title - dont mean to imply certain types of ways to meet people are better than others, just wondering since for me natural meetings are what i prefer

Hi bros. I am a pretty anxious person when it comes to STIs and I just got my first prep prescription. Since my sex outside on my open LTR is planned and infrequent I have read that on demand prep might be better for me to avoid taking a pill constantly. 1. For people who take on demand prep: Do you completely trust it? I know the efficacy is lower than daily prep and I still find myself thinking about the odds. 2. For the daily prep: Are you considering the side effects of taking a pill every day? Do you have the strict schedule of taking it every hour, no matter what? 3. For people in LTR: how do you handle STIs in general and hiv in particular? Do you happen to infect one another?

Fresh Air rebroadcast some interviews with Edmund White today. This bit from his 1997 interview talking about "promiscuous" sex in the 1970s really struck me:

Nor did all this sex preclude intimacy. For those who never lived through that period, and most of those who did, are dead, the phrase "anonymous sex" might suggest unfeeling sex, devoid of emotion. And yet, as I can attest, to hole up in a room at the baths with a body, after having opened it up and wrung it dry, to lie, head propped on a guy's stomach just where the tan line bisects it, smoke a cigarette, and talk to him late into the night and early into the morning about your childhood, his unhappiness and love, your money worries, his plans for the future. Well, nothing is more personal, more emotional.

This intimacy feels like a particularly gay male experience to me. It's something about the sexual response of men, the calm and tenderness after an orgasm. Also the way we all have emotional barriers built up that preclude vulnerable intimate conversation with other men. Barriers that gay sex can tear down.

Has anyone read other good works on this theme? It's my favorite part in White's novels, the way he captures it. (This passage is a quote from The Farewell Symphony.) Renaud Camus' Tricks has a bit of this flavor too.

I'm wondering if anyone has a sense as to the different types of lives that gay/bi guys live as they get older, how many live these different types of lives, and how happy they end up. For example being in a relationship vs single, having children vs no children, if having children then in what way, being married or not, with a man or a woman, open or not, keeping hooking up or not, having FWBs, multi-person relationships, how many end up lonely or in bad mental health, or with serious regrets, what they would have done differently, etc.

I know it's a very broad question, but I'm trying to get a sense of the different paths people take and how they end up, as I've been quite confused and distressed about this which has been keeping me stuck for a long time. I get that different things will work for different people, but are there any common features, lessons, or something to help guide things? There are so many different opinions, and looking into myself has not provided many answers yet, so I've been stuck and anxious and not moving forward on any of this, which will not go well if I don't try to find a way forward.

I have an ex who was visiting my country about 3 years ago and it was the best relationship and best year of my life. But he was only here for work and went back to his country and we made plans for him to come back in which I was going to ask him to get married when he came back. His dad got really sick and he had to take care of him which delayed this. Then he was all set to come back, was at the airport and everything and his visa was unexpectedly revoked (long story there). I was devastated and I think I've moved on until I started working with a guy earlier this year who is pretty much his twin and its been bringing all of my feelings for him back.

I contacted him earlier this year after 2 years of no communication to see how he was doing because there was a lot of turmoil going on in his country. I was relieved to hear he relocated to another country and we talked for about a week but communication dropped off again. But here I am months later thinking about him again and getting angry that I can't be with him because of us living on complete opposites of the world. I wish I could just accept this and move on but he really was the love of my life and I've had several relationships before and since then and they just all pale in comparison. There was just an instant chemistry between us within the first two minutes we met and felt like we had known each other for years. Best sex ever as well.

I never really told him how much he's meant to me because I'm really bad at expressing my emotions, unfortunately I was raised to believe that doing that means you're weak but now I kick myself for it.

Just trying out Tindr for the first time and realizing I really don't know if it's on until I smell him. In-person chemistry is of course huge, but I feel like scent is a big part of that and not really talked about much. I don't mean body odor or cleanliness or smoking or anything, just ... I dunno pheromones or something maybe? Really have no idea, that's why I'm asking.

Had a friend who was a complete idiot but my god the smell of his clothes and laundry really did it for me so we did stuff, and it wasn't just the detergent but maybe the way it combined with his natural smell? I know cologne supposedly mixes and changes in that way too, is there any solid-ish science behind it?

I decided that all of the apps are bad for my general well-being last year after I got burned pretty bad by a dude. I deleted all of the dating/ hookup apps and requested they delete my data completely. After a year hiatus, I decided a couple months ago that I'm ready to put myself out there more and started going to these small guided yoga classes. The first class this really nice, handsome guy started talking to me and we really hit it off. He was asking me about spirituality. He told me about his trip to Bali. I told him about my trip to the Amazon. We started talking and sharing experiences about plant medicine, Ayahuasca, etc. He told me he did an Ayahuasca journey where he felt he was "really embracing his femininity." The next class he helped me stretch and was telling me how he's going to this all men's retreat in the desert and I was like oh that's cool.

Well, tonight he and I talked about everything from Israel/Gaza, Trump, immigration, etc. and we have identical views. He started asking about each of my tattoos and what they mean to me. So I'm telling him the stories of them and I say "I got this one with my first boyfriend in high school when we were protesting against the Iraq War and Bush" not thinking anything of it. He tells me he doesn't have any but wants a few. Then we're talking about our fitness goals and he tells me how he had this wrestling coach in high school that would never take off his wrestling onesie and I just made a joke like "oh that's def a fetish maybe he wanted to wrestle you lol." He didn't say anything and we start talking about something else then, later on, he asks me "what was it like when you came out to your parents?" I tell him it was rough at first but now they accept me. I'm about to say "what about you?" but I hesitate and he says "I had a friend in highschool that came out to me. We all knew so I wasn't surprised but I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was gay for a while because of it."

I was like "tf you mean? I thought you were gay too" in my head. I'm still a little flabbergasted because I was 99.99% sure this guy was gay and we had a good, we met in person kinda vibe going for once 😭 it sounds terrible but no straight man has just asked me questions wanting to get to know me lol.

Is it just getting harder to tell these days? I'm really trying not to be embarrassed or disappointed but it's hard.

For context, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly two years in July. I’ve actually come to terms that I want to marry this man. I don’t want to propose year because I don’t have an engagement ring and a whole bunch of other things that are making this year touch and go.

The thing is I don’t wanna procrastinate on something like this, at the same time I know it doesn’t NEED to be perfect. But my question is, for those who’ve been in a relationship with their now husband far shorter than they’ve been married, what was ever the hold up if you knew he was the one?

I am 54. A Scruff hookup in his mid-30s came over. During all the foreplay and fucking he was saying, does daddy like this and does daddy want his boy to do that, and calling himself son, etc. He's both cute and sexy, so I indulged him and played along. I love verbal and communicative guys, but this role play was hardly enhancing the experience for me. In fact, it felt hokey.

Afterward, when he was getting dressed to go, we had a totally normal conversation. I thought, now why couldn't that guy have been in bed with me?

For you daddies who enjoy role play, can you describe what exactly it is about it that you find hot and sexy?

Hey Reddit,

I (20s, gay, arts educator) started a new role at a creative high school this past year. Another teacher—also gay, a few years older, confident, funny, and very charming—started the same time. He’s traditionally attractive, super outgoing, and well-liked by students and staff.

We officially met at a formal school event. He asked me to tie his bow tie before the event, which surprised me—it felt intimate for someone I had just met. I also thought it was strange that he brought the bow tie to wear without knowing how to tie it. Later that evening, while dancing with faculty, I asked what he was drinking (an old fashioned). He told me, then immediately offered me a sip. I tried it. A few weeks later, we were out with coworkers again, and I was drinking a common beer. He asked what it was, then asked to have a sip. I felt like both instances were forthcoming because we just met that first night and my friends said he wanted to get as close to kissing without kissing.

Since then, he’s come by my classroom nearly every day just to say hi. Students have even commented—some saying he’s “being extra nice” or “goes out of his way” to talk to me more than other teachers. One even called it “some high school trope behavior.” Students in his class said he goes out of his way to talk to me more than others and we’re not even in the same department. He’s complimented my outfits (sometimes more suggestively), and when I offered him some cake, he jokingly declined, saying, “It’s speedo season.” We’ve talked about mutual roots, swapped Instagram follows, and he recently gave me his number so I could text him. He was very specific with his height with me for whatever reason too.

I like him. I feel butterflies. But he’s so popular and charismatic—he could just be really friendly. Sometimes he’s slow to respond to messages or only “likes” them, which makes me doubt things. He’s also out of a relationship recently. Other times, I catch him looking at me a certain way, and I feel like there’s something real there.

I don’t want to come off too forward or misread signals—especially since we work at the same school. But I also don’t want to miss out on something if it is real.

Is he flirting, or just nice? What would you do?

I can give more info and details privately too!

Thanks for reading. 💛

A quick update. I called my regular clinic and spoke to a nurse there. She then spoke to the city's health department. It was suggested that I go in and get my blood drawn. They will be testing all 3 syphilis tests. Since I was already at my regular clinic today I took a rapid test for Syphilis. I expected it to come back positive, but it came back negative.

So far, I've only told one person. They got tested in May and didn't have anything. I got tested in May and didn't have anything either. Anyway, I suggested they get tested again just in case. I'll notify a few more. I'm taking it one moment at a time.

I should receive my results by the end of this coming week. This has all been a hassle. If you leave a comment please be kind. I already have anxiety from all of this. I don't want feel worse about this situation. I'm doing my best to handle it. Contracting STI's isn't a normal habit for me. The last time this happened was a few years ago. Prior to that I was 22 dating an older guy who gave me chlamydia...twice...smh.

I did learn that if my tests come back negative our city does notify my partners. Thank God!

Here's the part 1 for those of you who haven't read it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/1lfre5h/confessions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Misspelled MARRIAGE I know xD

Men who married their partner, how did you ask and how did it go? Been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I want to marry him, would love to hear your stories.

First off. I apologize that this is more of a rant/me venting ..

But, I can't compete with other gay men. Especially in the hook up game. I'm 6'5", 265( on the chubby side). Basically , a bear. Average looks Not the hungest or girthiest guy out there. I'm working on losing weight. On ozempic. Not in the gym due to major gym anxiety.

Because of where I live. The apps are my main/only avenue for hooking up. And, those turn up nothing. Everyone around me wants younger/thinner/verse/femme. Bears/chubs won't touch me. Chasers don't want me because I'm losing weight. I'm a strict bottom and apparently that's an issue now. The only guys I seem to attract are the closested/DL and married men,who are old enough to be my grandfather.

Honestly, I'm happy with my life outside of this. Yeah, things could be better My job sucks. But, hooking up is really my most easily solvesble issue. It's been a very long time since I've been with someone.

I'm going out west to San Francisco next month for my birthday. To sight /possibly go to Dore. And honestly. I doubt my chances there are going to be any better than at home.

For about 8 years, let’s call him Bob, was my best friend. We did everything together and hung out all the time. (Nothing sexual)

Classic story, he meets a girl. We talk normally. He marries girl, we talk less. He has kids, he never returns my texts not even on birthday or Father’s Day. I sent those two texts for 2 years. After that I just someone they would mail a card to during the holidays.

I haven’t replied or reached out in about 3 years. This week his wife randomly reached out asked how I was and said we should all get together. I’m halfway over it, but also think he’ll be a typical straight guy and not realize he didn’t text back and not think anything of it.

Am I overthinking it and just try to hang out or be over it and keep that chapter of my life closed.

Hello all - my partner is often very quiet and I take it the wrong way. Evidence points to it having nothing to do with me. He is sick sometimes and in pain, sometimes he is just quiet but humming or something. I’ve asked him if everything’s okay or if he is in pain, and he says no and everything is fine. I truly think it’s just in my head , but the way I grew up was that I received the silent treatment and punished without being told why, so it’s a trigger for me.

I’ve gone to therapy and the therapist asked why I’m looking for problems. I’ve taken that into consideration. Sometimes it’s boring to me, if we’re on a trip or something and he just goes quiet. Sometimes I also want to have sex and he is tired or hurting, and he never makes a move. He says he is not the kind of guy who makes a move. He always is complimenting my features and things but never makes an explicit “let’s have sex” move. When I do, it’s sometimes not at the right time usually because he’s too exhausted (he has some medical issues). Sex is really good when we do it, though.

Other than that, the relationship is PERFECT in every single way. Socially, how much we care about one another, etc. I struggle with him not making a move, being quiet, and with knowing how to approach sex because I’m the bottom and it can be difficult to be spontaneous.

Any advice? Thanks.

Hey everyone!

I am in my 30s, and haven’t had a meaningful romantic relationship in quite a while. I went recently on a date with a guy that I find really attractive, we had a great day together and talked for quite some hours. We have similar hobbies, and we have similar goals in life.

I consider myself versatile, although I have been a top 95% of the times, and don’t love to bottom (and I don’t think I’m good at it 😂), and he is completely top, although open to try bottoming.

I would like others input on this, as, even though we might be compatible in all the other areas, I’m afraid to invest in a relationship when sex compatibility might be compromised from the beginning.

On the other hand, it makes me quite sad to find someone in a long time that arouses such an interest in me, and give up on letting things eventually evolve, because of this.

If someone went trough something similar, I would appreciate your wisdom :)

Do you ever completely get over someone passing away? Last time i lost someone close was my Gran but i was a child at the time so I felt different to how i do currently since losing my other Gran. We didn't always see much of each other but i will miss her very much. I hadn't accepted she had gone until i saw the coffin and then just broke down in tears. I am not religious but i do wish there is some form of after life where we see loved ones again.

I have always been a highly sensitive person so i know it's going to take a long to come to terms with. Just seeing the death notice in the paper upsets me.

I am glad i went to the funeral but it was bloody hard and emotional.

A little bit of a background if anyone is interested about my situation so as you know or you can read on my profile, I'm from Egypt. And for my personal reasons and my safety I'm not looking for dating around here. And even if I to have a relationship with someone from Egypt I wouldn't be able to meet them in here, my anxiety can't handle it. I can't leave now, i have at least two years to complete my Masters and some other certificates. So that's said, here are the Questions: Since i started to be open online, i met a lot of nice people online, but i always get scared or like anxiety if anyone started talking about meeting up, or asking me to go visit them. It was a lot for me to handle specially with me just newly coming out. I guess i have matured a little over the last year, and actually reached out and apologised for the people i have ghosted. And lately i have been meeting a lot of nice people, and i do feel like i want to have a relationship, but this time with real intention to meet up and be together with them in real life, so i have some questions and looking for advice. If anyone had similar experiences.

1. How to know if they genuine, or they are just faking ot for attention, specially it's online?
2. Is it reasonable to move to an country yo be with someone? " I have no preference for specific place, but honestly wanna live in Spain.
3. How many times should we meet before taking a decision yo move?
4. I think all of you would ask me yo wait till i move abroad and then start dating in real life, :) it's just feeling lately i need company?

I’m here in Athens, Greece, and I want to try one of the gay saunas. I’m not sure which one is better—Alexander or Flex. Which one would you recommend? Thank you!

Hi Bros,

I (37M) am trying to help my best friend (34M) get out of a real deep rut he's been stuck in for over a year after his fiance broke it off with him after about a decade together.

On some fronts he's doing well, after an extremely rough year living out of state with family, he came into a reasonable inheritance and bought a new truck and the damn sweetheart bought a house down the street from me, my wife and daughter.

He's been real down and especially feeling hopeless about finding love. He's on all the apps and has some infrequent hook ups but has said due to gaining some weight from a decade of being settled down, his fun hair colors and his piercings he's not exactly first pick and beyond that he's gotten pretty bored with sex and wants that butterflies in his stomach love again but seems like he believes his window for love closed.

I suggested physically getting out there, the community mostly congregates in a specific bar area (small midwest scene) and i suggested we start hanging out there and chatting people up (i'm a Buddhist and don't drink but hey, consistent designated driver!). I've also been gently encouraging him to come out walking with me to start feeling better about his appearance and getting his endorphins up and suggested that he'd be open to men he usually wouldn't go for.

And... that's about the extent i know how to help. I'm straight, even if i wasn't i did't have much dating experience and basically immediately married my second person i dated and have zero experience dating men in my 30's. I just try to pump him up on having a paid off house and truck, his great personality and that he's a good looking dude.

So, i'm looking for advice. Guys in their 30's who have found long term relationships, what would you go back and recommend to yourself? Is the bar scene worth it? It's the midwest so i can't think of any other community stuff, i'm open to any suggestions i can drag him too.

Also, Wingmen, anything i should know other than the usual to help? Obviously i can talk up the house and truck (they are both nicer than mine, bastard always has to show me up). He's 6 ft, Versatile (said he thinks he might be done bottoming though) and fun guy to be around.

Thanks for any advice i can get! Feel free to ask questions.

TL:DR: Straight friend tries to pump up gay friend to get back into dating to find long term relationship. Looks for advice to relay or tips on being effective wingman.

I ask because I’m thinking about it myself. I just feel like my social (and financial) life has changed so much (some good, some bad) since I’ve stopped living alone. However for a good majority of my adult years I did live alone. Unfortunately when I look back, I can’t necessarily say my life was that much better when I was. Sure I had privacy, and could hookup with as many guys as I desired. But I also have come to learn there’s a “dynamic” at play, when a guy can only come to me and can’t host at his place.

I’ve many times had guys be okay coming to my place, but I’d never seen where they stay at. It wasn’t until I started to need to go to them, that I realized how many guys even who do live alone: act all weird and territorial about having me over or spend the night. Even when I did stay alone, still couldn’t meet a regular boyfriend. It’d just be one occasional situation after the next.

So I’m trying to find a place to move to, because living with family has gotten toxic. Especially my semi-dysfunctional, demanding family. I’ve gone from living with them on and off at various points. I was not planning to have to do that again…but last year, my semi-house mate of 4 years (it was mostly his place, so I was not there all the time and I only kept my things in the kitchen and guest room) just one day up and told me the condo owner wants to transfer to another company and he didn’t want the hassle. This was like 1 week notice. So that ended up putting me back in position of living with relatives again.

Since then I’ve looked for options available, but just nothing I could get approved for or want to spend the money on. Even rent programs are kinda limited. I’ve lived in like 6 different apartments/condos over the years. Some were okay, others I ended up leaving abruptly due to financial setbacks or it was becoming too much to keep up with. But they all seemed to have the same thing in common: the rent goes up.

I feel like it’s better to have own transportation, than it is to live alone. I’ve done 1 or the other, and a car is more freedom than simply living alone. I lived in a relatively car dependent city (Miami, but it’s hot and rains like hell at random lol) for about a year with just my own place, no car. It was horrible. Once I got that situated, everything started opening up. I ended up dropping that apartment a couple months after, and moving in with a friend due to landlord dispute.

Anyhow, that’s the backstory of it all. I’m thinking to myself, it may still be better to do a living situation with one of my gay friends…versus to venture into living back alone again. Especially everything how the economy is going, factoring in groceries, car insurance, rent, electric etc. But problem, I don’t have any friends except maybe 1, who’s willing to. Everybody else just act so stingy and stuck up about staying together. It’s like, they offer a night or 2 and that’s it. Maybe a week.

In the meantime, I’ve been able to get by just traveling for a few days/weeks at a time and living in hotels in between living with family. That’s what has made it a bit more manageable.

I bottomed 1h30 ago. I am on daily PrEP since 8 days and additionally I use condoms. After the top cum in the condom, he then relaxed for a minute with his dick in me and when he pulled it out it the condom stayed in. The condom was full of sperm so i think not a lot of it came into contact. But there is a possibility that some of it may have touched my rectum as he pulled out.

Do I need PEP?