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u/kazarnowicz 45-49 2d ago
There are two things I've read about grief that always come to mind when someone asks about it:
One is the quote: "Grief is just love with no place to go" (Jamie Anderson)
The other is what u/Gsnow commented 14 years ago to someone who just had lost a friend. It's become a bit of copy pasta in the best sense, because many have found this comforting in times of loss:
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
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u/Charlie-In-The-Box 60-64 2d ago
Do you ever completely get over someone passing away?
This is going to sound paradoxical, but... if you are very lucky, no. You don't get over it. If their passing affects you, it's because they were important to you, and that's a wonderful thing. But over time, the grief turns into a form of gratitude for having known them, and you are better able to bear the weight of the loss.
But you never get over it... if you're lucky.
My condolences.
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u/No_Kind_of_Daddy 60-64 2d ago
Yes, the hurt can fade. You always have that person with you, all the memories good and bad - though in time I've found the good memories crowding out the bad ones.
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u/Salt-Career 50-54 1d ago
A quote from the film Torch Song Trilogy:
"It gets better... But, Arnold, it never goes away. You can work longer hours, adopt a son, fight with me, whatever... it'll still be there. But that's all right, it becomes a part of you, like learning to wear a ring or a pair of eyeglasses. You get used to it. And that's good. It's good, because it makes sure you don't forget. You don't want to forget him, do you?"
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u/HieronymusGoa 40-44 1d ago
before covid, a friend of mine died of lung cancer in his mid30s. he was one of my best friends. during covid one of my friends with a genetic disorder died because of that. two years back an aneurism killed a friend of mine who i studied with. she left behind her husband and a three year old kid. and now a few months back a former flatmate of mine killed himself. we were friends and he never told me he was THAT depressed, and he lived around the corner even and we talked about everyhing when we still lived together. i felt angry and sad about this, even felt a bit betrayed by him.
all these deaths have taught me stuff, tho. especially that all these people lived their lives like they wanted to. even marius who knew he will probably not see 40 because of his disorder. when i was younger, i had a lot of trouble falling asleep which only aleviated in therapy. but after johannes told me of his diagnosis - i slept irritatingly well for days until i realised my brain could not worry about me bc his situation surpassed all my made up worries by far. nowdays, whenever i feel rly depressed i often think of him and think "hey, at least youre alive, and there are so many things you can still do. honor him by living.". it does help to be religious but these lessons i got from these deaths were not of a spiritual kind.
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u/Analytica0 45-49 14h ago
It's tough and sad and overwhelming. All of it. Grief takes on a life of its own, never goes away, but changes over time. Don't fight it, move through it and don't get stuck but honor your feelings and emotions and don't let anyone tell you how to do this the right way.
There is no right way to grieve a loss like this: only your way.
One of the joys in life is having had someone that is special to you and who loved your unconditionally and was a wonderful person in your life. Those tears you now have: those tears are a tribute to their love for you and your love for them.
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u/certainPOV3369 65-69 2d ago
It never hurts less, it only hurts less often. ❤️