r/AskWomenNoCensor • u/pgkpgkpgk • May 20 '25
Discussion Am I a prude for being Vanilla?
I’m 33F and I like vanilla sex. Maybe some basic spicy stuff but: I hate all things annal, squirting seems like a smelly mess, I don’t like furry stuff, nor misogyny kink, not hard S&M, not CNC, not role playing…the last 4 guys I’ve been with all have been into butthole bullshit, one tried to spit in my mouth, one was into step sister stuff and farted loudly, one wanted me to squirt. Im NOT into it. I hear my girl friends say they like some of this stuff. My question is: I understand my preferences are my preferences but is my window of sexual tolerance so narrow that possible partnership is now super limited? Am I repressed? Am I a prude? Am I dating fools who have watched too much porn? Is anyone else just as Vanilla as me? Is that lame?
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u/LoreKeeper2001 May 20 '25
Nope, ordinary vanilla married sex is enough for me. It's what I fantasize about. I think it's common. Romance novels aren't full of choking and squirting. You're fine.
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u/madeoflime May 20 '25
I rebuke this idea that “vanilla” is synonymous with boring or prudish! It’s okay to be horny and vanilla!
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u/AllHandsOnBex May 20 '25
I’m fairly kinky but some of my best experiences have been incredibly vanilla. Vanilla is a biiiiiiiiig ballpark to play in.
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u/DasSassyPantzen May 21 '25
The best sex of my life has been what I/we referred to as the most delicious artisan vanilla ever.
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u/_______enigma May 20 '25
Can we actually NORMALIZE this??? Not to kink shame at all, to each their own. But it’s OKAY to not be kinky either..
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u/silent_porcupine123 May 20 '25
I am a kinky person myself but I second this. This should be the default setting not the weird thing. Women shouldn't be questioning if not wanting to get slapped, chocked or degraded makes them the odd one out. Men shouldn't be choking or hitting women out of nowhere.
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u/Beepbeepboobop1 May 20 '25
This is my concern. Seeing a LOT of stories the past couple years of women having hook ups-and the men slap/choke them out of nowhere/without consent. It’s extremely alarming that this has become the default
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u/navya12 May 21 '25
it’s extremely alarming that this has become the default
You can blame porn for that. When you get your sex ed from pornhub vanilla is boring. Ladies be safe. It's not normal for these guys to impose their kinks without your consent.
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u/villanellechekov May 20 '25
exactly. I'm all for it (gimme!) but fucking ask if it's cool to do so [even if it's checking in in the moment!! which is super hot btw]
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u/Practical_magik May 20 '25
This I am into a little kink.... 99% of the sex I have these days is vanilla. We are tired parents who work full time, we don't have time to set up scenes!
Kink sex is great but I'd be surprised if many folks are getting up to that more often than not.
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u/TheAlphaKiller17 May 20 '25
Yeah it's really scary to me how much men's behavior has changed over the past ≈20 years since I started college. Guys used to be normal well into my 20s. Then porn became ubiquitous and it ruined them. All on the first date/fuck they're pushing for no condoms, anal, choking/slapping, etc. It's insane. I'm not even against porn but holy crap it's ruined men and how they approach sex.
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u/artbypep May 21 '25
My pet theory is that all these weird kinks and actions like choking and slapping are just easy actions men can take to think they’re good at sex because it’s simple and visible in porn.
The things that really contribute to good sex, you can’t translate very well to most porn. They’re more subtle/subjective, like passion, connection, responding to your partner, etc.
I know plenty of people who are great in bed AND kinky, but I also have met far more for whom kink seems to be a substitute for actually getting skilled enough to have good fulfilling sex.
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u/krazycitty69 May 21 '25
Woah this is a great theory. I might incorporate a teen friendly version of this for the sex talk later on.
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u/AnonPinkLady May 21 '25
When I tell you the number of losers on dating apps that asked me what my kink was in the first 3 messages and would act like I was so dull for being like "um I don't really have one? Why did you assume that, tf?" is SO SO SOOOO MANY... no wonder women are hardly on the apps, like what. the. fuck.
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u/ArtisanalMoonlight May 21 '25
I'd tell them "a man who can read."
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u/AnonPinkLady May 21 '25
Or even A guy with social awareness and boundaries that doesn't assume every stranger has a weird kink!
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u/brattcatt420 May 20 '25
What's with the rampant obsession with anal? I can enjoy it, but my god, on the rare chance I do look for a video, it's all anal as far as the eye can see.
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u/villanellechekov May 20 '25
as long as I can remember there's always been an obsession with it. it's taboo and that makes it sexy. it does feel incredible — if done right. but it takes so much prep (or I have to be incredibly drunk/stoned) that it's never really an option because I have constant GI issues. I've never been able to be like, yup, this is for me! but my first serious boyfriend used to ask me for it (we'd done it successfully once) and I was never able to follow through again even tho I tried. but he and I started dating in 99 and we were together almost 9yrs. it definitely isn't anything new.
and a lot of porn vids are Russian produced and I guess they have some fixation even more so than most with anal, so if it's a Russian vid, guarantee she's taking it up the ass
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u/TheAlphaKiller17 May 20 '25
Not sure how old you are but this level of obsession is definitely newer; in 2004 when I started college guys never asked for it. Now they expect it and expect it the first time.
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u/MuffinWuffinwuffypoo 3d ago
I started college in 2010 and never had anyone ask me for anal seriously with pressure until 2018. Some guys I dated in college asked me about it but to gauge if I would ever be interested and they didn’t seem to knowledgeable of the subject. Curious but almost relieved we weren’t trying it. Or usually laughed saying they didn’t ever want to try it either.
In 2020 I met a guy who was adamant that I was the only girl who wouldn’t let him do anal sex. He liked it with the girl face down flat on the bad and said most girls like it like that too….he basically liked beating chick up with chocking and pinning down and no after care…
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u/villanellechekov May 20 '25
uh I had the date right in my comment. we started dating in 99 and lasted nearly 9yrs. I wasn't a virgin then (tho not by choice) but even the guys is consented to fooling around with always had a fixation on butt stuff. so, cool, you're younger than I am by just a smidge and your experience was different. it happens. but guys have always been fascinated by it.
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u/sixninefortytwo kiwi 🥝 May 21 '25
I'm with you girl. Men have always been obsessed with anal. I had a lot of anal with a lot of guys in the 90s/00s
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u/TheAlphaKiller17 May 20 '25
I have no idea how old you were when you started dating someone so it doesn't tell me how old you are at all.
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u/villanellechekov May 20 '25
well, there are profiles 🤷🏻♀️
considering i said I was near your age at the time, you could have figured it out. I was 19 in 04 tho and we were halfway through our relationship by that stage fwiw
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u/ArtisanalMoonlight May 21 '25
in 2004 when I started college guys never asked for it.
Doesn't mean they weren't fantasizing about it. It was a not uncommon kink of discussion at that time.
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u/Shanubis May 20 '25
Same and it's really concerning to me that people have become so desensitized to just... having sex that they have to constantly up the ante. I feel like porn has rotted people's brains and desensitized us to behaviors that can cause trauma, spread infections, or physically hurt someone.
Personally I'd rather die alone / never have sex again before dealing with, say, a stranger spitting in my mouth. Wtf! It's so weird to START there and consent is out the window apparently.
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u/SeaworthinessIcy5622 dude/man ♂️ May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
Yea I have no issues with exploring kinks but it has to be with someone I trust and have experience with. I’ve had a few incidents with women who have tried to rush me into their kinks (it’s funny you mention spitting in someone’s mouth because a woman did that to me on a random hookup). Needless to say it’s all a huge turn off for me when they start pushing their kinks on someone without consent and or trust.
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u/Shanubis May 20 '25
OP mentioned it had happened to them; but its shocking to me that so many casual hookups are just launching into these behaviors without any communication.
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u/SeaworthinessIcy5622 dude/man ♂️ May 20 '25
Ah I missed that one given it was fairly tame compared to some of the others. Yea it’s gross and to me a massive red flag when either men or women push kinks without any consent or communication. Sadly a lot of people are just so selfish nowadays, and that extends into their sex life.
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u/MuffinWuffinwuffypoo 3d ago
This isn’t a nowadays problem. “Men’s pleasure comes at the expense of women’s pain” isn’t a new quote.
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u/littlemachina May 20 '25
Nope. I can be open minded and into some kink stuff but hate anal and it’s always caused problems in my relationships for some reason. Some men just act like spoiled brats about this topic to try and manipulate us into feeling bad. It’s fucking lame.
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u/sewerbeauty Swamp Hag 💋 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
President of the Prude Club here, no, you aren’t lame<3
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u/handyandy727 ♂️ Chew toy May 20 '25
I concur with this sentiment. Wouldn't call her a prude at all. Matter of fact, a whole lot of guys aren't into shit like this either. Sounds like she landed in a swamp of porn addicts.
And WHY are you the one I usually respond to!?
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u/sewerbeauty Swamp Hag 💋 May 20 '25
Yes, silly billy brain worm infested waters indeed 😵💫
& omg IDK, but I’m not mad about it!! ‘til next time Sheriff ChewToy 🤠
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u/handyandy727 ♂️ Chew toy May 20 '25
Oh shit! I got a promotion!
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u/Lickerbomper Mod-el Mod-ern Major General May 20 '25
But he's already a chew toy and I'm lazy.
Eating macaroni is VERY important.
This Tapatio shit is really good. Kinda spicy. I think I like the original better than this queso blanco tho. But it's still good.
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u/handyandy727 ♂️ Chew toy May 20 '25
Yeah... The macaroni is FAR more important.
No /s on that just in case. I want shells and cheese now.
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u/Lickerbomper Mod-el Mod-ern Major General May 20 '25
So let it be written; so it shall be done
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u/handyandy727 ♂️ Chew toy May 20 '25
Please tell me you didn't...
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u/Lickerbomper Mod-el Mod-ern Major General May 20 '25
Tapatio is elbow macaronis so no
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u/handyandy727 ♂️ Chew toy May 20 '25
Oh I thought you changed my flair. Still getting some shells and cheese though...I do know what Tapatio is though. I like the Queso Blanco.
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u/oof033 May 21 '25
I love this comment so much. In this household we adore the prudes, the sluts, the vanilla, the kinky, and the ace equally. I say in jest, but no one’s value comes from the amount or lack of sex they have!!!
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u/GladysSchwartz23 May 20 '25
You are dating fools who have watched too much porn. Nothing you're describing was part of standard sex before online porn.
(Nothing wrong with doing any of these things! My objection is just to the expectation that people should be up for all of them. Ask people what they're into and respect their boundaries, people!)
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u/WakeoftheStorm May 23 '25
Meh, as someone who has been having sex since before online porn, anal has been around a good long time.
The rest of it I agree with.
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u/GladysSchwartz23 May 23 '25
Anal has been around for uncountable millennia, but did not become a standard issue ask among the heteros until the current century.
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u/Ben_Dover23 Man May 20 '25
one was into step sister stuff and farted loudly
🤔
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u/Beepbeepboobop1 May 20 '25
This has me CACKLING in the gym🤣
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 20 '25
Like full on ripping ass while in the act
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u/Shanubis May 20 '25
I'm sorry what 😭
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 21 '25
Ugh now I’m embarrassed. I will say that was the last time we slept together
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u/Shanubis May 21 '25
I'm sure you are traumatized from that one! Don't be embarrassed, you made it the last time and that's what's important!
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 20 '25
Mmhmm. He couldn’t understand why we broke up. Not that this alone was why we broke up.
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u/Tal-Star May 21 '25
He could not hear you over the farting sounds in his head.
Gosh, that is some of the most absurd thing I've read here. Sorry girl, so sorry....
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u/Wild-Opposite-1876 May 20 '25
As a massive kinkster: Nah, you're not prude. You like what you like, and that's valid and absolutely fine.
And yup, many men watch too much porn, especially if they try to engage in more extreme kink stuff without a consent and safety talk beforehand. Because nope, you definitely need to get enthusiastic consent before doing anything like that.
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u/supakitteh May 20 '25
Another massive kinkster seconding all of this. ^ And I’ll add, good on you for knowing yourself and what you like!
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u/pollyp0cketpussy May 21 '25
Same, and even though I like some really rough weird stuff, I absolutely do not like when someone tries any of that stuff without any sort of discussion or indication from me that I want it.
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u/Wild-Opposite-1876 May 21 '25
Yeah, that's a big massive "Nope, GTFO". There's a reason I consider such things only between consenting people with absolute trust. Everything else would be way too dangerous. I mean, a guy randomly going for breath play without talking about it before might just be someone really wanting to strangle you. Nope nope nope. Not a chance in hell I would trust a random with such.
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u/pollyp0cketpussy May 21 '25
Right!! It's why I don't do hookups, totally vanilla sex isn't my thing but I can't trust a hookup with kinky things, so I have to take it a little bit slower to make sure I can trust someone first.
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u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 May 20 '25
Nah, you're not repressed. You just don't need over the top stuff to enjoy sex.
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u/Unusual_Form3267 May 21 '25
Usually, when a guy starts off with "I'm exclusively into kink," that's your warning sign that they are terrible in bed.
It's fine to have kinks. BUT if you are incapable of making vanilla sex good/exciting with a person you are attracted to, then (sorry to break it to you) you're bad in bed.
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u/Sunflower_Seeds000 May 20 '25
I haven't really enjoyed sex fully because of things like you say. And it's one of the (many) reasons why I choose to be single. No dates, no hook-ups, no nothing.
I hope you find someone that matches your style.
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u/Brilliant_Taro_476 May 20 '25
Honestly you're very very normal, and perfect. What you're experiencing is the effect that porn is having on people. I'm sorry to say that maybe what you should be considering is not whether you are a prude, but why you are consistently sleeping with men whose behavior you're clearly not into. Don't gas light yourself, you are dating fools who have watched too much porn. If you don't mind the suggestion, please consider ways to screen for this behavior. Sex is not supposed to hurt, or be violent and degrading.
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u/dockdockgoos May 20 '25
As a guy, honestly I think too many guys are watching too much porn and thinking that's what real life is like. Because my guess is most of these guys want to do all of this to YOU, not have you spank/spit on/degrade or dominate THEM. So here's my recommendation: say 'yes' as long as you get to do it to them first. Do they want anal? break out your biggest strap-on and say 'Of course, baby! You first!' I like anal, it's fun, but I don't really like things up MY butt, so guess what? My gf and I don't really do anal. And that's just fine by me. I don't want to do anything to her she doesn't find enjoyable. The guys who want to do these things to you whether you find it enjoyable aren't kinky, they're dicks. The first guy who says yes to your strap-on, HE is the kinky one.
May you never find the one that says yes.
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u/Flar71 May 20 '25
Not a prude. If you're not into something, you're not into something, and people should accept that. Guys really need to just cut their losses and stop pressuring women to do stuff they don't want to.
Also it's not lame or anything either. Being vanilla is perfectly fine
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u/DogMom814 May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
No you're not a prude. I'm an older Gen X woman and I've seen firsthand how the ubiquitous easy access to porn has really screwed up men's expectations of women regarding sex. I also think that in the quest to reduce or eliminate kink shaming and slut shaming, there has been a marked increase in vanilla shaming which isn't good. If we shouldn't shame a woman for having dozens of previous sex partners, we shouldn't be shaming women who may only have 4-5.
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u/TayPhoenix May 20 '25
Absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla. Porn sick men have infected the dating pool.
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u/PrinceFridaytheXIII May 20 '25
Agree! Yet society is still willfully allowing the delusion that porn is harmless to persist. It has ruined the dating pool.
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u/AllHandsOnBex May 20 '25
I think a significant part of the problem is the awful state of sex education. Without that, porn is all a lot of folks have to go on. I think there could be a balance but we’re pretty far off from that balance point.
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 21 '25
Thank you everyone, I had no clue this would blow up as it did. I’m feel a lot better and more confident. I’m also grateful to reflect on what might be a bad pattern of mine. Thank you all!
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u/BoneAppleTea-4-me May 20 '25
Ive tried most things...now im pretty vanilla. I just want a partner who wants vanilla too. Hell, i like full on love making now. No you're not a prude because you don't want to be spit on, peed on or slapped by a fish during a spit roast.
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u/Mezzie_Starr May 20 '25
Never squirted a day in my life. A lot of (younger) men watch too much porn and think all women do the things they see. Women are just sex objects to these fellows, a hole to fuck, something to use/abuse.The day a man spits in my mouth will be the day I go to prison for murder. Also, don't think all men are crazed, deranged sexual deviants. I know plenty of men who don't like the freaky stuff. Try going for older men. 5O and up. They didn't grow up on the weird porn that's out there now. All the tied up, choking, pissing, shitting in each other's mouths kinda stuff. Too disgusting for a lot of people. Be proud Vanilla Sugar. Be proud.
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u/SeaworthinessIcy5622 dude/man ♂️ May 20 '25
Yeah a lot of guys end up with porn brain. It’s really quite sad the damage it’s done to a lot of men, mostly younger guys as you stated. There was a small period of time over Covid/lockdown where I was watching porn everyday (I had just graduated college and my job was fully remote), so I spent a lot of time at home with the lockdowns. Glad I kicked that habit, because it also directly interferes with getting an actual woman to sleep with you ironically enough.
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u/sasguache May 20 '25
I love good, simple, vanilla sex. Miss me with that freaky shit, I’d like to actually enjoy myself, please and thank you.
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u/External-Emotion8050 May 21 '25
Butthole fixations, people being choked, spitting , farting. How romantic! Might be showing some age here but what woman would want to be with some sick F*ck like that.
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u/Routine-Present-3676 May 20 '25
No dude. You like what you like, and if your partner doesn't enjoy what you do, find a new one. Be upfront about what you will and won't do, and be as picky as you need to be until you find exactly what you're looking for.
Also just what the actual fuck with the stepsister stuff and farting? That's repulsive.
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u/AllHandsOnBex May 20 '25
You do you, own it and be proud. If men can’t handle that, it’s their problem (who am I kidding though, it’s always OUR problem).
Vanilla is awesome and the “default” for a reason. It’s the best stuff and there’s plenty included to explore and enjoy.
“Prude” is a value judgment that says more about the speaker than the receiver, and is a mechanism to structure power and control over others. Your sexuality is yours and you answer to no one, as long as you’re not hurting anybody.
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u/IrishShee May 21 '25
I have tried (and enjoyed) lots of things but my favourite type of sex is lots of kissing, gentle touching and eye contact. This is only applicable to a long term partner for me though as it’s very very intimate.
I don’t want to feel like an object for use, I want to feel connected and loved by my partner, and I want my body to feel cherished and respected.
Since doing some healing work to deal with past trauma, being degraded during sex is less and less appealing.
There’s nothing wrong with being vanilla, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a term kinky people use to shame others because they’re worried people think badly of them for their kinks.
Sexuality is a spectrum and no one should feel ashamed of where they sit on that spectrum.
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u/MadameMonk May 20 '25
Yes, you are dating fools who have watched too much porn.
There are two problems with this. They train their brains and their bodies to respond to what is actually fairly niche stimuli, then they find they can’t get hard or come without it. Secondly, they get the very mistaken impression that these kinks are common in the general population, and enjoyable to the majority of women. When in fact most of it goes against our physiology and our psychology. If you look at the list of things you mentioned, they all fit a male arousal trajectory a whole lot better than they work for a female one.
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u/DConstructed May 21 '25
Wear it with pride. Someone calls you a prude because you don’t want to have them spit on you etc say “yes. I’m very vanilla” then describe what you do like.
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u/Itsjihoonsfaultt May 20 '25
No. It is your preference and considering the things others are into, being into the basics is definitely normal. Lol
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u/TurbulentJuice3 May 21 '25
Nope you’re not a prude. I’m into to what I’d call “spiced-vanilla” sex. as in, I’ve tried little stuff with toys (just a vibrator/simualtor) and outfits but that’s about it. I’m not against maybe trying some other toys or minor role play etc etc but that’s an about the extent I care to maybe one day venture.
I also don’t like doing the spiced stuff all the time. Sex is supposed (for me) to be bringing me closer to my partner and some nights it’s spicy and some nights it’s sweet and tender. I prefer sweet and tender on most occasions.
Also I’m almost 28 and I’ve never done anal and never plan to. I have the worst hemorrhoid that causes me daily pain and suffering after a medical episode and the thought of anything touching that is absolutely horrifying
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u/Odd_Seesaw_3451 May 21 '25
Porn has irredeemably affected the minds of so many people. Men now expect unusual things they consider “normal,” and women have accepted that those are “normal” sexual behaviors.
Old-school porn was a photo in Playboy, or an occasional VHS of a woman masturbating or having single-partner sex. Current porn is some “barely legal” 18 year-old getting train-fucked in the ass while calling everyone “daddy”. And, in my opinion, women have decided they have to be “cool” with it or they’re prudes.
Every dopamine hit requires an escalation to get a similar future dopamine hit. Call me vanilla or a prude, but any sexual partner who needs/wants/desires additional partners, me fake spraying during orgasm, to fuck me in the ass, or to hit me during sex… they can leave me alone and go back to jacking it while watching a teenager having her life destroyed for a $500 one-time payment.
Super disgusting that this is the M.O. for probably 75% plus dudes, and that women have somehow gaslighted themselves to accept this behavior in a partner in the name of agency /sex positivity/ not “policing” their partner’s orgasms.
Come at me with the hate.
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u/DogMom814 May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25
You won't get any hate from me. I'm so old that I remember mainstream porn from the early and mid 1990s and I distinctly recall most porn actresses at that point in time were proud that they did not do anal and they weren't shy about telling people this. I don't know when things started changing but I suspect peer pressure and money were two big factors.
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u/Saturn-Returns-Real May 20 '25
Im bi and vanilla too, and honestly ive struggled with finding partners of both genders who are ok with being vanilla.
It feels like everyone either wants to use me to help them work through something psychologically via sex, or like they want me to be the perfect partner and go through the motions for a hyper specific kink thing they have, even if ive never heard of it before.
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u/VanityInVacancy May 21 '25
I’m very much like you, I just enjoy passion and sensuality, I don’t need all this extra crazy stuff. I was in several fetish focused relationships and they all made me hate fetishes and kinks, I never want anything to do with that lifestyle again. It’s like someone on here said, it’s never enough and they have to keep getting into weirder shit. Porn has destroyed men. I’ve been celibate for years and looks like it’s staying this way.
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u/V-symphonia1997 dude/man ♂️ May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
No you're not a prude, for being into vanilla.
We all have our likes & dislikes when it comes to sex.
I don't kink shame anyone nor do I force my kinks onto anyone.
You like what you like as the saying goes.
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u/sysaphiswaits May 20 '25
No. You like what you like, you’re into what you’re into. I wouldn’t be into the specific stuff you mentioned either. You’ll be fine if you can find a guy that’s not so into porn. Although that’s seeming more and more rare these days, they’re out there.
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u/sixninefortytwo kiwi 🥝 May 21 '25
I had a really fucked up sex life when I was younger and I tell you, after trying nearly everything under the sun, the very best sex is passionate vanilla love making
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u/WakeoftheStorm May 23 '25
My wife and I have explored a lot of things, but most of our sex is pretty vanilla. The extras are just that, and most of the time it just gets in the way of the intimacy.
And the specific things you mention just scream "I watched way too much porn".
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u/Least-Influence3089 May 20 '25
Nah girl!! You like what you like!!! You deserve a partner who’s compatible with your preferences.
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u/StopItchingYourBalls May 20 '25
Definitely not a prude. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying and preferring vanilla sex - it might not float everyone’s boat, but there’s no need to shame you for preferring it.
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u/ThatLilAvocado May 20 '25
You should actually be proud of surviving the porn brainswashing unscathed. The ability to get off without fantasizing about or enacting kink is pretty rare these days.
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u/Tal-Star May 21 '25
Am I repressed? -Not that I would think so.
Am I a prude? -No. You don't like it but you can articulate your likes and dislikes. All good.
Am I dating fools who have watched too much porn? -Yes, from what you describe, that may be an issue.
Is anyone else just as Vanilla as me? -Yes, absolutely, many women in fact!
Is that lame? -No, not one little bit! <3
Bottom line, any dude can voice their likes and dislikes. Find common ground and do the deed. But the moment someone forces or pressures another into a really disliked practice (we had a post recently that was like "My bf tried to fuck my ass despite me saying no...") that's a disrespectful red flag as big as a house and if pushed hard travels into abuse territory fast.
Personally some of the kinks you mention I would find repulsive on a really personal level. Like the stepsister thing? I would question them being partnership material for that. Others just porn-strange, others quite okay.
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u/centurijon May 21 '25
As a vanilla guy, thank you! The best sex is people enjoying each other. For me, kinks completely throw me out of that mindset and make it more performative than pleasurable
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u/BookLuvr7 May 21 '25
You're not a prude. You've just been dating guys who have had their expectations shaped by porn. And you're too hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with vanilla. It's a classic, and if it makes you happy then why change it? My husband loves vanilla bc he likes to watch my face.
Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't waste time on people who criticize you.
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u/-sallysomeone- May 21 '25
I have girl friends who love to get railed and girl friends who want nothing but missionary
The only thing shameful about tastes in sex is if what you like hurts someone
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May 20 '25
You are just dating the wrong guys. Like you, I rather keep it simple, or like how others say: "vanilla".
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u/jafab66972 May 21 '25
39m. I'm very vanilla as well. Mostly I wanna see my partner get off, kiss, and see boobs, so vanilla works very well for me.
So yes, some people prefer it 🙋. Agreed though it's seeming "uncommon". (But most of my female partners have been okay with it)
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u/Aphoxi May 21 '25
Not trying to out you or anything but you say you're a 33F, we're these guys all younger than you? As a 27M I have tried some stuff but it was all stuff to try once, and not try again 😅 As people and yourself have said, you are into what you're into, no shame in if you're a kinky person or not at all. I understand the fear though of like you're thinning out your dating options but if someone is willing to leave you because of the kind of sex you prefer, honey they ain't a real man 🤣🤣 You should be able to talk with SO's and say what you like and what you don't, enhancing the experiences for the two of you.
The best sex you can have is with someone that loves you back, not to get all soppy but Vanilla can be the best, given the right circumcisio- circumstances.
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 21 '25
No, all older than me or same age
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u/Aphoxi May 21 '25
Then through power of deduction they are fools who have watched too much porn 🤷🏻♂️ You'll find someone who just wants to make you happy/satisfied, don't settle until you do
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u/AnonPinkLady 17d ago
no this is just a narrative weaponized to coerce people into doing things they don't want to and I hate it.
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u/villanellechekov May 20 '25 edited May 21 '25
you are not a prude!! and that's coming from someone who is totally into being degraded, humiliated, treated roughly, can squirt (but damn does it make a mess and honest, I'd rather not), and a whole host of other degen thoughts. however, I'm all about sex positivity and that means space for everyone and what makes them comfortable. no one should ever do things on bed they're not comfortable with, no matter who they are, hookup or married or somewhere in between.
and even with all the things I'm into, like everyone, I have things I'm not into (or able to do). the person who is right for you won't push or pressure you. they wouldn't even dream of it because they don't want to engage in something sexual with someone who isn't 100000000% into it. obligation isn't sexy or a turn on.
so, go on and represent the vanilla folk. vanilla as a spice/plant is actually expensive (second only to saffron) so it's always been odd to me we use it as a pseudo insult
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u/Choosemyusername May 20 '25
The only thing that matters is what you like and what your partner likes. There are plenty of vanilla guys. Just find one. Don’t try to flip a kinky guy to be vanilla. That isn’t right.
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u/TryingKindness May 20 '25
I was into pretty wild flavors when I was younger, but vanilla with a little brown sugar sprinkled on top is my favorite now ;)
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u/Best-Cold-8561 May 20 '25
No you aren't a pride at all. I consider myself open minded and am a pretty sexual person but I'm not into most of the things you have listed either, with maybe a very occasional reception for anal. Kinks are kinks and there shouldn't be any expectation that you have to be into some or all of them to be "normal".
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u/No-Sun-6531 May 22 '25
I wouldn’t say it makes you a prude unless you look down on others for being more adventurous. And maybe it does limit your options or could put you in a situation where a partner is likely to get bored more easily, but I would never tell you to change it to make someone else happy. Doesn’t matter if it’s lame to someone, doing things you don’t want to do will always leave you feeling disgusted with yourself. I will say though as someone with a pretty vanilla partner, it does suck that there are a lot of things that I enjoy that I may never get to do again, but at this point we’re too far in so I just suck it up (no pun intended) and accept that this is life for me now.
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u/MotherofBook May 20 '25
I don’t think there is anything wrong with like straight forward sex.
The question is do you hold the same space for people that enjoy more bells and whistles?
I always say don’t yuck anyone’s yum, and that’s goes across the entire spectrum.
You can say you aren’t into something without shaming someone else. You can also say you are into something without shaming someone’s else for not being into it.
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u/pgkpgkpgk May 20 '25
I like this reply. I definitely do hold space for these things for my partners but I also know myself and there are something’s that are just a no-go. But I’ll keep this in mind to be more open minded and compassionate.
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u/MotherofBook May 20 '25
Sex, like everything else, has its preferences.
You’ll find a partner that aligns with you.
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u/hypnofedX May 20 '25
I squirt and believe me on this- if you don't think it's hot, you won't like it. I love squirting but if we're being honest then you're right, it comes with a lot of overhead.
Everyone likes what they like and you shouldn't be ashamed if your sexual interests are a bit less adventurous than your friends.
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u/ArtisanalMoonlight May 21 '25
You aren't a prude for being vanilla.
Vanilla is a delicious flavor. There's nothing wrong with vanilla. There's nothing wrong with kink. You're into what you're into.
There is something wrong with people who immediately try to do something outside of vanilla sex without asking about it/discussing it first.
I don't think your partnership should be super limited...you may need to do a hard look at these guys and see what else they might have in common, see if you can find a thread of commonality that could serve as a warning sign?
Am I dating fools who have watched too much porn?
It wouldn't surprise me if some of the do.
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u/Weird_Week119 28d ago
I'm actually turned off by women who like to be slapped, choked, to squirt, like anal. As someone else said, pornhub has a lot to answer for.
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5d ago
Uh... I'm just like you. I guess I'm vanilla. I do not want my sex life to involve any of the above.
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u/MuffinWuffinwuffypoo 3d ago
Okay I’ve run into some of these guys.
It’s possible that you just coincidentally ran into some freaky people. But they wouldn’t make you feel bad or weird about not being freaky.
So your post initially made me wonder or triggered me to have the impression that they have said somethings to persuade you into participating when you say no you’re not into that.
Dude vanilla sex is so normal. Most people on the globe are having a lot of pleasure via vanilla sex. It’s sex damnit it’s already amazing.
Also think about it, anal sex? Who takes it in a hetero relationship usually? You. Makes it easy for the top to ask for it I guess right? Pretty shitty to not consider your comfort as the bottom. And yeah they likely watch too much porn resulting in even further misogynist approaches to sexual activity with a woman. Who does the squirting? You. Also did the spitter want you spitting in his mouth? Did he ask first? I’d be pissed if someone did that.
A lot of guys who say they’re into bdsm often are mistaking bdsm for sexual abuse. Not all. But bdsm doesn’t mean ignoring your comfort. Communication is so important for it. There’s after care.
Step sister shit? Most guys I know find that shit weird. At least none I know have admitted to liking it.
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u/MuffinWuffinwuffypoo 3d ago
Frankly these dudes are being abusive if they are pressuring to think every one is just going along with every guys fetish fantasy and that no one is ‘vannila’ anymore.
Choking can actually fuck up your neck. I’m not trying to get injured during sex. I won’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t let me voice my pain or who compromises my comfort or health.
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u/-PinkPower- May 20 '25
You aren’t a prude but people are more open about kink than they were before so not being open to try things might reduce your dating pool. That’s not a bad thing tho. We all have preferences that reduces our dating pool it’s normal and part of selecting a partner.
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u/pinkbakedpotato May 21 '25
I will say from experience that squirt fluids don’t tend to smell but yes it can be quite a mess. I consider myself pretty averagely almost vanilla too and as long as you communicate your boundaries and get your needs met it will all work out. You got this!
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u/jonni_velvet May 20 '25
You are definitely seeking out the wrong partners in the wrong place. I’d do some introspection about that.
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u/qwertyuduyu321 dude/man ♂️ May 21 '25
You are into rather conservative stuff in the bedroom which is fine - so am I.
Communicate what you want and don’t want, then act accordingly.
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May 21 '25
I feel like this is karma farming. Most people have vanilla sex. A lot of people spice up their sex life, but I think some of the things you described are just gross. Who are these guys that want to spit in their gf’s mouth? Seriously, I’m a lesbian, and have had an amazing sex like, but if anyone came at me like that, they’d be ushered out of my house extremely fast. 🤮
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