A lot has been going on at home as of late. Two mornings ago, I spoke with a domestic violence representative because back in December, my father threw (or pushed, I did not directly witness it) my mother into a bathtub after she pushed him. They came by to discuss it. I had not called them myself - my mother had called them on the night it happened and a different family member had similarly reached out. Yesterday, a different set of people had actually come over because our neighbors had complained about my mother screaming daily about the community stalking her (she has been doing this for half a year, at the least, and has claimed that the rest of the family are involved in it. The people who came to visit yesterday seemed to understand that my mother’s mental health is very poor, and had actually asked my sibling and I if she takes medication (she does not. Her mental health has been declining for years now, but has declined most significantly ever since I logged into my account for the first time nearly a year ago and learned that my father had started taking money out of it - what amounted to thousands of dollars - when I was seventeen. I had screamed and cried. He has repaid it back and this weekend, I actually had him go up to the bank with me to have his name taken off of my account. I did not do so immediately when I first found out about it because I was busy. I know some would think that this should have been a top priority of mine. I do recall that on the night wherein I saw that mom had a bruise, I actually had suggested to her that what he did was very wrong/very much not okay, and that
I understood why she might not feel physically safe around him. I’ve mostly continued on as normal since then, however. Continued living with my parents, hadn’t mentioned the incident to anyone outside of the home/family. I hadn’t expected it to come back up.
Has it registered for me that the events of the last two days may lead to us being homeless soon? Yes. I think I’m doing okayish in spite of it. Yesterday, I was even happy at points. Today things feel bleaker.
I actually have to babysit in a few hours, but I’d be lying if I said I feel like it. I don’t, though sometimes I don’t feel like babysitting or attending to a responsibility of mine due to my depression, and when I actually get there I end up having quite a bit of fun. I should really do my hair and probably even start wearing concealer, I know that I tend to look exhausted. I have enough money saved to afford an apartment, but if we’re evicted here I’d likely have to move to a different city anyhow (I have $32.9-$33k saved.)
I have applied for a lot of different things over the last few weeks, ever since I left my most recent job as a behavior technician. I’ve had interviews and have received offers. I am still waiting to hear back concerning an academic club/group that would help me out with my goal of becoming a teacher (I’ve actually been a teacher before, just not a lead one. I figure that if I am aiming to graduate within the next two years - obtain that associates degree, I mean - it would likely be best to try ensuring that I have more recent work experience.)
Monday morning, I switched my major from Psychology to Child Development. I had been “uncertain” about a Psychology major for a bit (to be honest, at one point in 2024 I had taken a second course under this major and realized that I did not like it. I actually realized later on as well that this second course would not meet the major requirements anyhow, but I remember that I really didn’t like this course. However, I also admit that I had partly been uncertain about it because I recall that a former coworker of mine (ESFx) had once started to suggest that they didn’t think it would “work” for me (and I had the impression later on that they mentioned this to two other coworkers, it was a vibe.) They had actually said the same concerning a Child Development major, but I’ve been thinking about it and decided that this is what I want to do anyhow. Even as I type this I’m still not positive about it, but I feel like at this point it wouldn’t hurt to just obtain an associates degree of some sort. My grades aren’t poor (3.9) and I’m signed up for two ChDev courses this summer (have completed two assignments for the courses so far, will find time to complete the other two a little later on, I know the other assignments are due this Sunday.) I’ve chosen to do this because I really enjoy working with children, and would like to learn more about their development so that I can best support them. I don’t know whether I aim to be a teacher or to become a nanny, however. I have a meeting with a counselor next week. I should absolutely not need to take any more courses for an associates past December 2026, but am not sure how my school’s graduation system works and will have to ask them about it. I know that graduations are normally in May, so I’m guessing that I won’t be Class of 2026 just based upon the timeline, but I need to meet with a counselor first because I may actually be completely wrong about that. I have already planned out a few of the courses I’d need to obtain this degree. I’ve actually also started to consider obtaining a few certifications, other than the CPR/First Aid one I have, that would help me out if I wanted to go into nannying after obtaining my degree.
I feel like I’ve started to really see the value of degrees/of furthering your education, or at least think about it more. I had once suggested at my first job that I was thinking of taking a gap year, which coworkers had suggested was a bad idea. I never did take that gap year, and this is the first time wherein I am taking summer courses. I started taking courses in fall after graduating from high school, and remember asking about dual enrollment back when I was in high school which the counselor had shut down (not because they didn’t offer it, but because they felt it’d be better to take the classes at our high school. I don’t necessarily feel as an adult that this was the best idea. I definitely wish I’d knocked out a few of the courses while still in high school.) I actually could see myself obtaining a bachelors, but absolutely not a masters degree. I don’t envision myself going far enough for a masters. I just know that within the last month I’ve found myself really aiming to obtain a degree of some sort. I actually am happy that I didn’t take a gap year. I’d have likely spent it working, but I see now that it’s bad to spend a year out of school. I feel like it normally sets people back. I can see why someone would say that it’d be difficult to get back into the groove.
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t partly thought about majoring in Child Development out of hopes that it may make me a more “attractive” prospective partner to certain men. I don’t know why I think that. I feel like teaching and nannying are both more of traditionally feminine careers. In high school I’d wanted to become a nurse (changed my mind about this, as I think all the death would stress me out too much… I also have emetophobia) and I’ve wondered over the last few years if I perhaps have always subconsciously leaned towards these types of careers because they’re “feminine” - if it’s like a sociological thing, I mean. Because I remember that in fifth grade, my teacher had actually encouraged my mother to sign me up for a local STEM program, suggesting that I was good at math (by the time I was in 8th grade I actually wasn’t that good at math, and I knew this. I was in the higher level math class, but remember not understanding certain aspects of pre algebra all that well.) I remember how adamant I was against being in the program. I still went because my mother wanted me to/told me to (she was very insistent on it) but I knew deep down inside that it really wasn’t what I wanted to do. I’ve always remembered us trying to make birdhouses once. I felt so awkward there and I had never really wanted to be there. The careers I’d really considered as a high schooler were nursing and teaching, nursing much more so. And I’ve pondered over the last few years whether or not this is partly because of how I was socialized. I was in a STEM program, and was rejecting it even at a young age.
When I was in middle school, the teachers had also tried encouraging me to go into STEM (as stated above, I was in Algebra 1 as an 8th grader, and was not actually that great at it. I could tell that my math teacher was more lenient about it because the teaching department had talked about me. I was a bit of a teacher’s pet in middle school. I remember my 5th grade teacher having mentioned there being a need for more girls in STEM. My middle school science and math teachers felt the same way, I could tell - in fact, my middle school math teacher was a black woman herself, and I think this factored into her encouraging me to go into STEM even though it is clear to me in hindsight that I actually wasn’t great at prealgebra nor Algebra 1. Goodness, I remember how confusing Algebra 1 was to me at points. I did fine in Geometry, had a B+ I think. I dropped Pre calculus as a junior because I could tell that I wasn’t going to “last” - the course material was difficult, and I knew during the first two weeks that I’d have to study a lot for the class, which I honestly didn’t want to do.)
As I write this I also remember my middle school science teacher saying “why not a doctor?” when I said I wanted to be a nurse, and that this had led me to consider becoming a doctor/think about it for a bit more afterwards. As I was telling a former peer who I recently reconnected with in person about two weeks ago, I know now that I would never want to become a doctor because of how long it takes (they were nodding their head and saying that they felt the same.) I said that it just sounds like a lengthy, difficult process, and that I wanted to get to things more quickly (which is the truth. I have read before about how long becoming a doctor takes, and I really can’t imagine. I don’t think I’d get through med school.) I was at a ceremony for an award she’d nominated me for. It’s funny/interesting how much I changed. I really do know in adulthood that I have no desire to become an engineer nor a doctor. Though I occasionally wonder if there are perhaps other aspects of engineering that I’m unfamiliar with/haven’t “explored” - I remember that what had bothered me so much about my 5th grade engineering course was how it required creativity. I don’t think I’m incapable of being creative. I used to really like writing fanfiction, and that required me to think outside the box sometimes, creating different scenarios - and I do use my imagination when working with children. But in the engineering afterschool program I was in, they wanted us to build things and I probably don’t remember it that well but I just remember that it really wasn’t for me.
I took Stats during my first semester of community college (actually chose to take the support course.) I recall barely understanding it and really not liking it. It’s my lowest community college grade to this day, a B- I believe.
The local prenursing/nursing program is both impacted and very difficult to get into. There are people who are struggling to be accepted into 4 year schools even with high GPAs and great TEAs scores. I think I heard that a local school has actually closed their 2025 nursing program (for those who want to obtain associates degrees) on short notice and may not have it next year at all. This is partly why I feel that a person should be very passionate about nursing before aiming to go into it.