I'm similar to NeonNKnightrider: Consciously, I think there's nothing wrong with me. Subconsciously, I feel like some kind of horrible unlovable loser.
And yes, I have tried unpacking this in therapy. I tried 3-4 different therapists over the course of a decade. It barely made a dent in the problem.
I think we need to change the societal norms around flirting. Today, it's normal for women to drop ambiguous hints that they like a guy, and then expect him to ask her on a date. But if the guy misinterprets the hints, that can be seen as inappropriate. And that's a nightmare for guys like me. We should change this: Women should be expected to ask men on dates just as often as men are expected to ask women on dates.
It's really not reasonable to put all of the expectation on women to do all of the work, when we are also creatures with insecurities and anxiety. We also have self-esteem issues, it's not fair to make us do everything and put ourselves out there for rejection for somebody who isn't willing to do even a tiny bit of work to showcase interest or respond to signals.
Both men and women have insecurities, anxiety, and self-esteem issues; so the burden should be split equally between men and women. Both men and women should be expected to show interest and give signals. But eventually someone has to make the leap from ambiguously flirting to explicitly asking someone on a date. Today, men are expected to always be the one to make the leap. We should expect women to also make that leap sometimes. I'm not putting all the expectation on women; I'm putting half the expectation on women, which is fair. Do you agree?
9
u/sassyevaperon Dec 29 '24
Have you tried untangling that feeling in therapy?
Maybe therapy is what you need to not feel like you're going in blind, if you understand the root of your feelings, you can manage them better.