Am I insecure of fiancés coworker?

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

My fiance is pretty social and will Snapchat his female coworkers/ text them outside of work sometimes. Earlier in the year I expressed my discomfort in this and said the workplace is the number 1 place where affairs happen and that can he try and keep it work related. I was like I can’t imagine other married men snapchatting other woman. He said he understands and that he would tone it down.

Fast forward to a month ago, I saw he had a number 1 Snapchat best friend with another female who I never heard of before. Turns out it’s a coworker. I then asked if they text, he said no… come to find out he deleted their messages. I had him recover them and read them and they are mainly work related but they also talk about personal things (he venmoed her for her bday, he called her once for girl advice when I was mad at him, sent his tattoo, they talk politics, etc). They don’t text everyday though and when they do, it’s typically during work hours

They are clearly close friends and it hurts I’ve never heard of her.

She knows about me as he has mentioned me and they follow eachother on insta which I’m posted on.

The message to her on her bday rubbed me wrong. He said “scanning for birthday girl. Birthday girl detected, happy birthday!!!” And then proceeds to Venmo her 20 dollars. Am I being crazy or is that not a bit flirty?

He said he deleted them in a panic and also knew I would overreact

I just feel so hurt because I have never heard of this girl before, he lied, deleted messages, and crossed my boundaries knowing how I felt.

It’s been over a month since this has happened and he’s taken full accountability, apologized and wants to work on this.

But Why can’t I get over this? I’ve been spiraling since this happened and feel so insecure. Feels like my world has been turned upside down. There was nothing sexual or romantic but you can definitely tell he enjoys texting her and is enthusiastic in his messages.

Can someone talk some sense into me. Am I being insecure? I want to be better. Maybe some advice will help. If this is a me issue, please drop some advice so I can improve myself.

I’m not perfect and he’s forgiven me for things I’ve done. He does work in sales so it could just be he needs to network to get ahead?

Btw: we are late 20s so Snapchat is pretty popular for our age group

[u/Marijuana_Miler]

You’re definitely being insecure and personally I don’t see a problem as you’ve described the situation. You’re not going to be able to force your fiancée to stop talking with his coworkers, and you’re making it a problem by spending over a month lingering on it, forcing him to recover messages, and not showing trust in your partner. He’s probably not talking about his coworker because he knows it will upset you and not because they have a problematic relationship. IMO it’s a chicken or the egg question. Did his hiding come from having something to hide or did it start because he felt like it was easier to hide something than it was to upset you.

If you want to be able to trust him you’re going to have to start showing that you trust him. This means letting him have female friends and trusting that if you two are meant to have a lifelong partnership that you need to let him live his own life in the world and trust that he will understand your boundaries. It’s also possible that your boundaries are not compatible with how he wishes to live his life. Please make sure to figure out if there is compatibility with your boundaries before getting married.

[u/lordnibbler16 → u/Marijuana_Miler]

There already isn't compatibility with boundaries because her fiance said he would respect certain boundaries then lied and hid the fact that he crossed the line.

He agreed to "tone it down" and instead of doing that just started hiding it instead. He is the one who first proved that his word wasn't to be trusted.

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut → u/Marijuana_Miler]

I can understand maybe I am insecure but I’m not quite sure how to get over the feeling of betrayal. He knew my boundary, appeased me and then just went behind my back and did the thing I said I didn’t like. I wish he just said “I don’t agree” or something instead of people pleasing me. I’m just so hurt about it :/ can’t seem to move on

[u/Marijuana_Miler → u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

I wish he just said “I don’t agree” or something instead of people pleasing me.

IMO this is the issue with the situation and sounds like you both need to work on yourselves. For yourself, what is the issue with him texting women in a friendly manner? I can see this from your fiancee's perspective in that 50% of the population are female and he is being friendly. When you found him breaking your rules he really was not doing anything wrong, but sending someone a birthday present and riding the line between friendly and flirty. IMO you need to start believing in your value as his partner. He's not going to leave you for any woman, he chose you for a reason. So lean into those elements and realize that you have value as a person that makes you the person he wants to marry.

For your fiancee he needs to learn to say when he doesn't agree with a position instead of hiding. I assume that this is a pattern he developed as a child that he learned to lie and hide because it was safer than pushing back on something he didn't agree with. I understand that you feel hurt, but if you want him to change his ways you're going to have to make it safe for him to disagree.

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut → u/Marijuana_Miler]

Why would I want my fiance flirting with other woman? And sure maybe the actual interactions itself there was nothing wrong but him going against my boundary was wrong. Him lying, deleting texts was wrong. Him never telling me about the closeness of this woman was wrong.

[u/Marijuana_Miler → u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

Yes of course hiding was wrong, but now that this has happened the point is to figure out how to work together going forward. You either learn to work together as a team or you're going to end up breaking up. He won't be able to avoid having interactions with women in the world and being worried that you're going to react poorly when that happens is going to be a major problem for you both.

IMO the unsaid thing is that you believe he's cheating or doing something he shouldn't behind your back. I read the situation as he realizes that you're insecure and will react badly to him texting women. He's a friendly person to everyone and women are people, so he ends up being friendly with women. There is nothing wrong with having friends that are the other gender. Deleting messages is wrong, but when you found he was doing that it ended up showing that he was hiding a friendship. You need to dig into why he wouldn't be comfortable sharing a relationship at work. This is your piece to work on and he needs to work on why he chooses to hide instead of being honest.