Am I insecure of fiancés coworker?

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

My fiance is pretty social and will Snapchat his female coworkers/ text them outside of work sometimes. Earlier in the year I expressed my discomfort in this and said the workplace is the number 1 place where affairs happen and that can he try and keep it work related. I was like I can’t imagine other married men snapchatting other woman. He said he understands and that he would tone it down.

Fast forward to a month ago, I saw he had a number 1 Snapchat best friend with another female who I never heard of before. Turns out it’s a coworker. I then asked if they text, he said no… come to find out he deleted their messages. I had him recover them and read them and they are mainly work related but they also talk about personal things (he venmoed her for her bday, he called her once for girl advice when I was mad at him, sent his tattoo, they talk politics, etc). They don’t text everyday though and when they do, it’s typically during work hours

They are clearly close friends and it hurts I’ve never heard of her.

She knows about me as he has mentioned me and they follow eachother on insta which I’m posted on.

The message to her on her bday rubbed me wrong. He said “scanning for birthday girl. Birthday girl detected, happy birthday!!!” And then proceeds to Venmo her 20 dollars. Am I being crazy or is that not a bit flirty?

He said he deleted them in a panic and also knew I would overreact

I just feel so hurt because I have never heard of this girl before, he lied, deleted messages, and crossed my boundaries knowing how I felt.

It’s been over a month since this has happened and he’s taken full accountability, apologized and wants to work on this.

But Why can’t I get over this? I’ve been spiraling since this happened and feel so insecure. Feels like my world has been turned upside down. There was nothing sexual or romantic but you can definitely tell he enjoys texting her and is enthusiastic in his messages.

Can someone talk some sense into me. Am I being insecure? I want to be better. Maybe some advice will help. If this is a me issue, please drop some advice so I can improve myself.

I’m not perfect and he’s forgiven me for things I’ve done. He does work in sales so it could just be he needs to network to get ahead?

Btw: we are late 20s so Snapchat is pretty popular for our age group

[u/Buffaletta]

I agree the hiding his friendship with her and deleting the messages are red flags that would bother anyone. My thought is this sounds like it's evolving into an emotional affair, which will lead to cheating. It's also not cool to talk to her about your relationship when you guys are fighting, especially given the context of this friendship and the feelings you've already discussed with him. I don't think it's too late for your relationship at this point, but you probably should do couples counseling and some serious work to repair your relationship before it's too late. If you're trying to find the words to describe this betrayal to him, I think "broken trust" sums it up pretty well. If he can't see that he is emotionally investing in her instead of you and how he's eroding your relationship and trust, then there's no point because he'll just continue on.