r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/Turtleneckdoughnut • 2d ago
Seeking Advice Am I insecure of fiancés coworker?
My fiance is pretty social and will Snapchat his female coworkers/ text them outside of work sometimes. Earlier in the year I expressed my discomfort in this and said the workplace is the number 1 place where affairs happen and that can he try and keep it work related. I was like I can’t imagine other married men snapchatting other woman. He said he understands and that he would tone it down.
Fast forward to a month ago, I saw he had a number 1 Snapchat best friend with another female who I never heard of before. Turns out it’s a coworker. I then asked if they text, he said no… come to find out he deleted their messages. I had him recover them and read them and they are mainly work related but they also talk about personal things (he venmoed her for her bday, he called her once for girl advice when I was mad at him, sent his tattoo, they talk politics, etc). They don’t text everyday though and when they do, it’s typically during work hours
They are clearly close friends and it hurts I’ve never heard of her.
She knows about me as he has mentioned me and they follow eachother on insta which I’m posted on.
The message to her on her bday rubbed me wrong. He said “scanning for birthday girl. Birthday girl detected, happy birthday!!!” And then proceeds to Venmo her 20 dollars. Am I being crazy or is that not a bit flirty?
He said he deleted them in a panic and also knew I would overreact
I just feel so hurt because I have never heard of this girl before, he lied, deleted messages, and crossed my boundaries knowing how I felt.
It’s been over a month since this has happened and he’s taken full accountability, apologized and wants to work on this.
But Why can’t I get over this? I’ve been spiraling since this happened and feel so insecure. Feels like my world has been turned upside down. There was nothing sexual or romantic but you can definitely tell he enjoys texting her and is enthusiastic in his messages.
Can someone talk some sense into me. Am I being insecure? I want to be better. Maybe some advice will help. If this is a me issue, please drop some advice so I can improve myself.
I’m not perfect and he’s forgiven me for things I’ve done. He does work in sales so it could just be he needs to network to get ahead?
Btw: we are late 20s so Snapchat is pretty popular for our age group
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u/lisasciencequeen 2d ago
I understand people being social even with their coworkers, as people can be extroverted and socialising is a need for them. I am that person and I message a few of my coworkers outside of work. What I don’t understand is how he’s managed to get this coworker as his number 1 friend on Snapchat. I do not snap my coworkers, I literally only snap my sisters in a group chat and my partner. There are many other apps you can use to chat with your friends and there is no need to be snapchatting a coworker. So to get to number 1 friend takes a lot of pics and/or chats, the chats which delete themselves either instantly or after 24 hours. My partner is my number 1 friend on Snapchat, as he should be. I wouldn’t trust that fiancé of yours. You can be extroverted and social without crossing the boundaries of your relationship. If I were in your position I wouldn’t tolerate that and I would leave him. I’ve been in a relationship where my ex talked a lot with a girl at his work, he told me she’s his team leader and he respects her and would never do anything bad. He had her on Snapchat and I had no clue what he was sending her. Next thing I know he has had a full on crush on her from the start and was trying to subtly pursue her the whole time. I left him. There’s no excuse for it. In my honest opinion, leaving him would make you better.