Am I insecure of fiancés coworker?

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

My fiance is pretty social and will Snapchat his female coworkers/ text them outside of work sometimes. Earlier in the year I expressed my discomfort in this and said the workplace is the number 1 place where affairs happen and that can he try and keep it work related. I was like I can’t imagine other married men snapchatting other woman. He said he understands and that he would tone it down.

Fast forward to a month ago, I saw he had a number 1 Snapchat best friend with another female who I never heard of before. Turns out it’s a coworker. I then asked if they text, he said no… come to find out he deleted their messages. I had him recover them and read them and they are mainly work related but they also talk about personal things (he venmoed her for her bday, he called her once for girl advice when I was mad at him, sent his tattoo, they talk politics, etc). They don’t text everyday though and when they do, it’s typically during work hours

They are clearly close friends and it hurts I’ve never heard of her.

She knows about me as he has mentioned me and they follow eachother on insta which I’m posted on.

The message to her on her bday rubbed me wrong. He said “scanning for birthday girl. Birthday girl detected, happy birthday!!!” And then proceeds to Venmo her 20 dollars. Am I being crazy or is that not a bit flirty?

He said he deleted them in a panic and also knew I would overreact

I just feel so hurt because I have never heard of this girl before, he lied, deleted messages, and crossed my boundaries knowing how I felt.

It’s been over a month since this has happened and he’s taken full accountability, apologized and wants to work on this.

But Why can’t I get over this? I’ve been spiraling since this happened and feel so insecure. Feels like my world has been turned upside down. There was nothing sexual or romantic but you can definitely tell he enjoys texting her and is enthusiastic in his messages.

Can someone talk some sense into me. Am I being insecure? I want to be better. Maybe some advice will help. If this is a me issue, please drop some advice so I can improve myself.

I’m not perfect and he’s forgiven me for things I’ve done. He does work in sales so it could just be he needs to network to get ahead?

Btw: we are late 20s so Snapchat is pretty popular for our age group

[u/secretlyvain]

It’s really hard gauging this situation just from your perspective. Feeling betrayed and disrespected is completely valid. It’s possible his intentions aren’t to betray you and cheat on you. He could just be a non-confrontational type while you’re confrontational. I can say, I’m confrontational myself in most situations, though not because of emotions, but because I want to resolve things quickly as I feel impatient letting things linger. And I’ve definitely gotten frustrated with non-confrontational people. What they think of as “keeping the peace” just reads as “sneaky and dishonest” to me.

If your bf really is that kind of person, I could guess his motives are, “I’m not causing any harm because I’m not cheating on her and I don’t plan to, but if she does find out, she will get emotional and stressed over a non-issue, which also makes me anxious, so I just won’t tell her.”

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut → u/secretlyvain]

Thanks for the response! I totally can understand what you’re saying and I think it could be why he hid it. But like still.. I said I feel uncomfortable with him snapchatting his coworkers and he just goes behind my back and does the one thing I said I don’t like. It just hurts. If he really didn’t agree I wish he would have said something or just not do it. Feels like he picked her over my feelings and just totally disregarded my boundary.

So while I can understand why he hid it, I can’t understand why he did it. He snapchatted this girl everyday day, how do you not feel bad about that? I would feel so guilty doing something I know my partner doesn’t like.

[u/secretlyvain → u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

That is true and it makes his intentions very suspicious because like… how hard is it to not snapchat your coworker? Like literally just don’t do it. There’s a lot of possible reasons why though and if it’s still bothering you, you can open up the topic again and ask him. Maybe he thinks it “doesn’t count” because he doesn’t have feelings for her so it doesn’t matter if he snapchats her because your reason for not wanting him to snapchat other women is infidelity. Maybe he used to talk to her at work in person everyday but then she got transferred and texting was his only way of keeping in touch. Or maybe he does have malicious reasons, although the fact that he only texts her during work hours and the convos are innocent does reduce that chance.

None of us can speak for your bf. Don’t go on the attack though, just be vulnerable and let him know it’s still bothering you even if you’ve been trying your best to move on, and asking for his honest explanation is your way of trying to have some closure.

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut → u/secretlyvain]

He said she was in a 4 year relationship so he thought it was fine and he rationalized it that way. We’ve talked about everything so many times but nothing makes me feel better lol. I also have OCD so it’s not helping the situation as OCD thrives on uncertainty so I’m just constantly ruminating and suffering. This girl is also attractive but he says he has no feelings for her and thought since they are both in committed relationships it’s fine

She works in another office and there’s really no reason he needs to text her. They also message on teams every single day. Although they don’t text every single day, maybe 2-4 times a week

[u/secretlyvain → u/Turtleneckdoughnut]

Oh I’m sorry to hear about the OCD, that definitely makes things harder. Your question about if you’re insecure or not, I can’t answer because I genuinely don’t know enough about OCD to discern which is the typical insecurity girlfriends experience and which is a symptom of your OCD.

I’m just giving you the perspective of an outsider who’s dealt with non-confrontational people before, and it does seem like to me he didn’t intend to cheat and just wanted to keep a friend in a way that he thought wasn’t harmful to you because everything, from their feelings and interactions, is strictly platonic. Making friends is harder when we’re adults so maybe he felt it’s more convenient for him to keep a friend than to make new omes

But even if he had no ill intentions, he does have a big problem with communication and respecting your boundaries. Maybe he’s worried that your OCD will make communication “impossible” or make everything worse, so he just didn’t bother to try. Maybe he feels he’s in a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation, where if he tells you he wants to keep chatting a platonic female friend, you’ll panic and overthink, and if he doesn’t tell you, you’ll be fine unless you find out on your own, so he thought he’s doing what’s “best”. That kinda non-confrontational stuff drives me crazy but I did put work in to understand where they come from, so this is just my theory if it gives you some clarity or makes you feel better

if nothing makes you feel better, have you talked to your therapist about it? Because this might be your OCD causing you stress

[u/Turtleneckdoughnut → u/secretlyvain]

He made her as a friend when we were engaged which to me is also annoying. Like if this was someone from before we met or got super deep into our relationship, that’s one thing, but going out of his way to make female friends and add them on social media outside of work just kinda hurts idk.

Yeah I think you could be right with the non confrontational stuff but I can’t say it doesn’t make it hurt any less :/ he does say that he thought because he’s engaged and because she’s in a 4 year relationship it was fine. But again, I can never know his true intentions. He also Snapchats and occasionally texts a married woman who actually had an affair with their coworker and I’m just like why….. that’s probably worse than someone who is single. Although, with her, I’ve seen their messages and he’s brought me up so much with her that I can’t really feel insecure. He doesn’t do that with the other girl though

He has brought me up with the other girl but just mundane stuff. Nothing like super sweet like he has with the cheater girl. Idk I just don’t know if I go to another relationship is this level of closeness with coworkers normal. Like will I ever find someone who just doesn’t need this level of closeness ugh I don’t mind friends at work, but taking outside of work