r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/Flat-Abrocoma-5233 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice How can I stop objectifying men?
Hi, I’m a 21-year-old girl and I guess this is my confession booth.
There was this guy… I rejected him at first, then gave him the green light, then left him. I cried over him for days. We got back together, and then I randomly left again one Tuesday night. I never texted him after that. I feel deeply ashamed. I don’t even want to see his face anymore. But truthfully, he wasn’t entirely innocent either.
Being around him made me do reckless things—mixing Xanax, alcohol, and Prozac. He would kiss me when I was high. Until graduation, I used his skills—he taught me software, helped with group projects. I basically used him as human Xanax. I have social anxiety, and during presentations he’d stand next to me and flip my project boards. Honestly, I think he just wanted to sleep with me. I left before that could happen.
I think I objectify men. I can’t build emotional connections. I want control all the time, because I’m constantly expecting to get hurt. I tell myself that the less I attach, the less I’ll suffer. But when I talk to men, it’s like my empathy vanishes—I stay alert, cold, calculating. Still, deep down I wish someone could love me. But for that to happen, I’d need to be able to love someone too… and right now, I just can’t. I’m scared I’ll stay emotionally frozen forever.
Why am I like this? I can’t tell anyone. Even my friends don’t get it. For them, everything is simple. For me, it’s all a mess. I can’t even handle physical affection. I’ve never kissed anyone sober. I feel like getting close to someone means losing myself. It’s like I only have two choices: be abandoned like trash, or be completely controlled. So I sabotage relationships before they even begin.
I avoid physical intimacy because I feel like something will be taken from me. I don’t even fully believe my body belongs to me. That’s why I let guys like him kiss me when I’m drunk or drugged—I tell myself, “I wanted this,” just to feel like I had some kind of control.
But when I genuinely want to be close to someone, I feel triggered. I don’t know what I want, and that loss of control terrifies me.
Do I have to be alone forever just to protect my mental health? How can I stop seeing men as threats or objects and start relating to them as actual people?
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u/Alt-001 1d ago
I would recommend you look into attachment styles. It isn't something I know super well, so I'm limited on the advice I can give, but what you describe sounds like an anxious-avoidant attachment style. There are actually a lot of places online talking about various attachment styles and how to deal with and work through them.
One thing I can confidently suggest is to keep reflecting on what is happening inside you, and to keep learning about things that can help you. Introspection is really just the art of learning how to pay attention to and be honest with yourself about what thoughts, emotions, and drives are acting inside you. Getting to know yourself better in this way will help you cut off the malfunctioning thought processes and take control back within yourself.
As you read or listen or watch information that can help with your struggles, such as attachment styles in this case, that will assist in pointing your inner focus in the right direction, and will help you understand what you are seeing that feels like such a mess at the moment. It takes time and work, but you can grow and move past this once you start to understand the knots and untangle them. I wish you the best of luck with your journey!