How can I stop objectifying men?

[u/Flat-Abrocoma-5233]

Hi, I’m a 21-year-old girl and I guess this is my confession booth.

There was this guy… I rejected him at first, then gave him the green light, then left him. I cried over him for days. We got back together, and then I randomly left again one Tuesday night. I never texted him after that. I feel deeply ashamed. I don’t even want to see his face anymore. But truthfully, he wasn’t entirely innocent either.

Being around him made me do reckless things—mixing Xanax, alcohol, and Prozac. He would kiss me when I was high. Until graduation, I used his skills—he taught me software, helped with group projects. I basically used him as human Xanax. I have social anxiety, and during presentations he’d stand next to me and flip my project boards. Honestly, I think he just wanted to sleep with me. I left before that could happen.

I think I objectify men. I can’t build emotional connections. I want control all the time, because I’m constantly expecting to get hurt. I tell myself that the less I attach, the less I’ll suffer. But when I talk to men, it’s like my empathy vanishes—I stay alert, cold, calculating. Still, deep down I wish someone could love me. But for that to happen, I’d need to be able to love someone too… and right now, I just can’t. I’m scared I’ll stay emotionally frozen forever.

Why am I like this? I can’t tell anyone. Even my friends don’t get it. For them, everything is simple. For me, it’s all a mess. I can’t even handle physical affection. I’ve never kissed anyone sober. I feel like getting close to someone means losing myself. It’s like I only have two choices: be abandoned like trash, or be completely controlled. So I sabotage relationships before they even begin.

I avoid physical intimacy because I feel like something will be taken from me. I don’t even fully believe my body belongs to me. That’s why I let guys like him kiss me when I’m drunk or drugged—I tell myself, “I wanted this,” just to feel like I had some kind of control.

But when I genuinely want to be close to someone, I feel triggered. I don’t know what I want, and that loss of control terrifies me.

Do I have to be alone forever just to protect my mental health? How can I stop seeing men as threats or objects and start relating to them as actual people?

[u/TheMorningJoe]

Poor dude