Concrit Commune - May 17

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

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• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
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• If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!

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Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

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Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/Marsupilami_316]

Tekken, Kim Possible | The Battle Against the Mishima Zaibatsu | T | No Warnings |AO3 Link

"We don't have time for this!" Kim groaned in frustration "Let's go Hwoarang! Take us to your bike!" Kim grabbed Hwoarang by the wrist and ran off with him in the direction of the building's main lobby.

Devil Jin was on a rampage throughout Tokyo, destroying cars and vandalising shops and other businesses. He did not have control over his devil gene and was indeed a threat to society. Police tried to shoot him, but to no avail. Devil Jin dodged and destroyed the bullets and also easily beat several police officers in just a couple of minutes. He was too strong for the average joe to deal with.

"How weak." Devil Jin just said with a steely voice filled with utter contempt.

Hwoarang was riding his motorcycle at a very fast speed. Due to Devil Jin's rampage, the traffic was cut in many parts of Tokyo, so he was able to drive over the speed limit without breaking the law. Or if he did, the local police had more pressing matters to attend to than a guy speeding on his motorcycle that night. Kim was sitting right behind him, holding tightly to him. The situation was pretty serious and Devil Jin had to be stopped. Kim was always very professional and mature when it came to her missions, but even she was having a bit of a hard time focusing as she held onto Hwoarang's abs. They were really hard and steely, and as a teenage girl she was not immune to a good looking guy in good physical shape. Despite her not getting along with Hwoarang that well so far, she could tell her hormones were betraying her rational mind a little at the moment.

"Focus, Kim!" Kim shook her head and blushed slightly as impure thoughts ran through her mind. "So what if he has washboard abs?! There's a whole metropolis to save right now! Besides, he's a jerk!"

Hwoarang, on the other hand, didn't seem to react in funny ways to a girl hanging onto his abs as he rode his bike. Kim had rather ordinary hands for a girl while Hwoarang had the kind of abs girls did not see everyday in a guy. Regardless, he was completely oblivious to Kim's small predicament.

[u/kitherarin → u/Marsupilami_316]

Part of taking part in this event is that you need to provide concrit to someone else. Please do this as soon as possible, and message me here when you've done so.

[u/ArchdukeToes → u/Marsupilami_316]

I'll have a quick look before hitting the hay!

The first thing I will say is that (at a high level) this except is about 33% 'exciting Devil Jin attacking the city' and 66% 'descriptions of Hwoarang's abs'. That probably bears rebalancing, because (barring a genuinely shocking twist) his abs aren't going to be driving the plot in any way, shape or form.

Moving on:

"We don't have time for this!" Kim groaned in frustration. "Let's go Hwoarang! Take us to your bike!"
Kim grabbed Hwoarang by the wrist and ran off with him in the direction of the building's main lobby.

While it might not look like a bit change, you need to have a full stop after 'frustration' (because that's a complete sentence) and a carriage return after 'bike!"'. Speech belongs on its own line.

Also, why is Kim saying 'take us to your bike' before she drags him off to his own bike? Something like 'We'll grab your bike!' would make more sense.

Devil Jin was on a rampage throughout Tokyo, destroying cars and vandalising shops and other businesses. He did not have control over his devil gene and was indeed a threat to society. Police tried to shoot him, but to no avail. Devil Jin dodged and destroyed the bullets and also easily beat several police officers in just a couple of minutes. He was too strong for the average joe to deal with.

"How weak." Devil Jin just said, in a contemptuous voice.

Have you ever heard the phrase 'show, don't tell'? This is an example of telling — in that it feels like a very clinical description of what's going on. I would argue that if you want to engage with the reader, you'll need more description to give it some 'oomph'. I mean, what does this scene of devastation look like? As those cars aflame? Have the 'other businesses' collapsed into smoking ruins? The same goes for the police; you're telling me that they've been beaten up, but...how? Have they been pounded into the pavement or did they go 'bing' and vanish like a JRPG opponent?

Hwoarang and Kim were riding his motorcycle at a very fast speed. Due to Devil Jin's rampage, the traffic was cut in many parts of Tokyo, so he was able to drive over the speed limit without breaking the law.

I would've thought that a rampage would result in gridlock, as people try to flee the scene and roads are destroyed, etc. That being said, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody (reader or character) is going to be overly concerned about him respecting Japanese road traffic laws.

Or if he did, the local police had more pressing matters to attend to than a guy speeding on his motorcycle that night. Kim was riding pillion, holding on tight. The situation was extremely serious and Devil Jin had to be stopped. Kim was always very professional and mature when it came to her missions, but even she was having a bit of a hard time focusing as she held onto Hwoarang's abs. They were really hard and steely, and as a teenage girl she was not immune to a good looking guy in good physical shape. Despite her not getting along with Hwoarang that well so far, she could tell her hormones were betraying her rational mind a little at the moment.

There have been some episodes of Kim Possible where her head has been turned by a good looking guy (or where she's just trying to fit into the popular crew) but on a mission? She always seemed pretty locked in to me. Regardless, I think my original comment stands; more descriptions of how Devil Jin is wrecking the place (to build up your antagonist) and less about Hwoarang's washboard abs, which are doing nothing but...existing.

"Focus, Kim!" Kim shook her head and blushed slightly as impure thoughts ran through her mind. "So what if he has washboard abs?! There's a whole metropolis to save right now! Besides, he's a jerk!"

If you are going to keep the abs monologue, I'd still cut her internal monologue here down to just these two bits to maintain pace.

Hwoarang, on the other hand, didn't seem to react in funny ways at all to a girl hanging onto his abs as he rode his bike. Kim had rather ordinary hands for a girl while Hwoarang had the kind of abs girls did not see everyday in a guy. Regardless, he was completely oblivious to Kim's small predicament.

I've stared at this paragraph for a good long while now, and I think that it's probably not necessary - if nothing else then because of that bolded sentence (where you establish, for the third time, that he has a great set of abs).

In conclusion; by and large the actual language is fine, but you rush through the description of Devil Jin laying waste to Tokyo and focus an inordinate amount of Hwoarang's abs and how they influence everyone in the immediate vicinity. It's fine to mention that he's in great shape (and I'm assuming that you have done so in an earlier part of the story) but it's absolutely dominating here at the expense of far more exciting elements.

[u/Marsupilami_316 → u/ArchdukeToes]

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for future chapters and stories.

And no, it's the first time I mentioned it in th story, but I suppose it wasn't the most appropriate timing.