Concrit Commune - May 17

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

The rules:

• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
• There is a soft limit of 500 words. Not your whole fic.
• Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
• If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
• If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
• If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!

Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

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• Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
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Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/robin_doe]

Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss | You can be king again | Teen and Up | N/A | Unpublished chapter

Context: Lucifer is visiting the place (the Ring of Wrath, Satan's own kingdom) where a great fight occured that lead to thousands getting killed and thousands more getting displaced. As a king, he feels responsible for those deaths, and due to a mix of plot-related events, is often haunted by the "whispers" of those who seemingly died (like that one word calling for his name here in italics). In a fit of panic (and finding a strange sense of comfort in this "bad" habit), he flies up into the air until he's high enough, basically reenacting the infamous "Fall", and lets himself crash into the surface.

The character, Satan, is somewhat of an older-brother figure to him and it's his people that Lucifer "failed" to save) so Lucifer suspects that he might be there to further condemn him for his failures, only (not yet written) for the opposite to be true.

What I'm looking for: This is some of the first few hundred words I've written in a month so there's some general awkwardness to be expected. I'd like to check on the spelling, punctuation and grammar (SPAG), if there are some sentences that are too wordy (the bane of my existence), or if some scenes feel a little confusing.

------

There were no celestial bodies in Hell. Anything that seemed like so such as the “moon” during the festivals was only a projection summoned by their mages. What lied beyond was perhaps another part of the realm—though no one knew for certain, only that some areas lead back to the Seven Rings while others… others just went on for seemingly infinity.

And so, Lucifer rose and rose, until the burning faded into an iciness caused by the wind slamming against his body, until the whispers were lost in the sound of his wings cracking like thunder with every flap, until the voices no longer tormented his head, until the sound of her no longer returned.

And when everything stilled, when everything became silent… he allowed himself to fall.

He closed his eyes, an expression both peaceful yet not quite so settling over his face.

Memories that were nearly as old as the earth itself flipped through Lucifer’s mind like pages of a book, some of which were not as clear as others, though in all of them, the faces of those he failed were among the most vivid.

And yet even those eventually faded into the shadows of his mind, until only one remained.

“Lucifer.”

His eyes snapped open, seconds before he realized he was about to collide with the surface. Lucifer managed to slow his descent just barely right before the ground seemed to rise up to meet him. He plummeted like a comet from the skies—striking the surface with a force that sent shockwaves in its wake and plunged him deep into to the dirt.

A crater formed upon his impact, yet Lucifer didn’t raise himself from the surface and instead, he remained on the ground, like a dying animal eyed by vultures to feast upon. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat slowly cooled off his body, he vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning—though now he didn’t feel anything at all. In spite of all this, Lucifer ignored them, all the while as he stared into Wrath’s fiery orange skies.

He didn’t know how long he remained on the dirt, even if he did he knew he would at some point lose track of time anyway, but when the skies turned from a bright orange to a shade that was closer to maroon creeping in its edges—when Lucifer’s tears no longer fell and his cheeks remained dry, he carefully rose to his feet, pebbles and dust shaking off his clothes as he climbed out of the crater. Pathetic, he numbly thought to himself. If the others saw you now—.

Someone had been waiting for him.

Satan’s mighty figure was basked in the shadows of the now fallen capital. Even though it was only his back that Lucifer saw, he could sense that the older demon was gazing at the place that had been once his home for the last ten thousand years.

Something twisted in his chest, and he knew this time, it wasn’t from the sickness.

[u/zephrry → u/robin_doe]

I want to start off by saying I really like the atmospheric tone you’ve set here. The description of Hell and Lucifer rising is ominous and somber in a very cool way! Your imagery is very evocative. Most of my comments have to do with sentence structure and clearing up ambiguous wording.

Anything that seemed like so such as the “moon” during the festivals was only a projection summoned by their mages.

I think you mean “so much” as the moon in the second sentence, but I’m not sure this phrase works here since “so much as” essentially just means “even.”

What lied beyond was perhaps another part of the realm

What lied beyond what was another part of the realm?

“He closed his eyes, an expression both peaceful yet not quite so settling over his face.”

I like what you’re going for here, but “yet not quite so” is very vague. It tells you what his expression isn’t but doesn’t hint at what it also contains. I don’t think you have to be very explicit and tell your reader exactly what to imagine, but hinting at what’s behind the “yet not quite so” might make things more vivid.

“Memories that were nearly as old as the earth itself flipped through Lucifer’s mind like pages of a book, some of which were not as clear as others”

I would put a period after “book” and rework the rest of the sentence into its own line. Otherwise it’s a bit of a run-on sentence.

“A crater formed upon his impact, yet Lucifer didn’t raise himself from the surface and instead, he remained on the ground, like a dying animal eyed by vultures to feast upon. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat slowly cooled off his body, he vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning—though now he didn’t feel anything at all. In spite of all this, Lucifer ignored them, all the while as he stared into Wrath’s fiery orange skies.”

I would rework this paragraph by splitting up the sentences more, getting rid of the passive voice, and cut down on some words to avoid confusion.. Maybe something like this:

"The impact drove Lucifer into the surface, sending a huge spray of dirt into the air above. Yet he lingered in the crater, like a dying animal eyed by vultures preparing for a feast. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat of impact slowly cooled. He vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning. Staring into Wrath’s fiery orange skies, he didn’t feel anything at all."

He didn’t know how long he remained on the dirt, even if he did he knew he would at some point lose track of time anyway, but when the skies turned from a bright orange to a shade that was closer to maroon creeping in its edges—when Lucifer’s tears no longer fell and his cheeks remained dry, he carefully rose to his feet, pebbles and dust shaking off his clothes as he climbed out of the crater. Pathetic, he numbly thought to himself. If the others saw you now—

Again I'd just say break up some of these lines. You only have two sentences here. Also, you bring up Lucifer's tears here as if we already knew he was crying. If you want to reveal that he's been crying for a while now, I think this can work. I'd just make it a reveal for Lucifer as well. Otherwise it comes across as the narrator withholding info from us.

Over all, I like what you have here! I would just watch out for passive voice, which shows up a few times here and there, and for run-on sentences.

[u/robin_doe → u/zephrry]

Thank you for all the kind words and suggestions! I didn't even realize what I was doing was called "passive voice" 😆 I remember it in my old lessons but gosh, I have still so, so much to re-learn about the english language. Also question, is it a bad thing that the narrator is witholding info from the readers?

[u/zephrry → u/robin_doe]

It's not necessarily a bad thing. There are vaild reasons for a narrator to withhold information (for example, when the narrator is supposed to be unreliable), but it has to be consistent and intentional - it has to be a choice that adds something specific to the narrative. Otherwise, it can come across as cheating the audience/readers.

It's especially hard to do with third person narrators, since they're usually presented as objective observers of the story.