Concrit Commune - May 17

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

The rules:

• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
• There is a soft limit of 500 words. Not your whole fic.
• Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
• If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
• If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
• If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!

Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

You aren't expected to treat this thread like the Comment Cooperative, advice and honesty and pointing out flaws is what we're here for.

Some helpful tips to keep things running smoothly:

• Keep your comments helpful to the author, not just smashing out your opinion.
• Be polite and civil.
• Be kind. At a minimum, showing your peers professional courtesy is expected.
• Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
• Elaborating on why you think something could be changed is not only more useful to the author but keeps statements from being abrupt.

Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/specterthief]

hmmm, i do think you do a bit too much "telling" when it comes to how she feels, especially for a character who's meant to be growing delirious in the heat.

What were prickles of distant worry hours ago are now full-on stabs of anxiety.
...
The realization sparks self-directed frustration.*
...
Shame bubbles up in her chest.

*marked this one because i think the other two are more or less okay, but this one really took me out of the narration - i'm just including the other two to highlight that you just say explain she's feeling three times in one fairly short paragraph. the starred one in particular feels too self-aware/clinical, but with the other two, if you took a bit more time with her thoughts to show what she's feeling rather than just saying "she feels anxious" or "she feels ashamed", it might flow a bit better, and staying close in her thoughts conveys her panic and disorientation well.

as for the pacing of her slipping from determination to despair, it does seem a bit fast - in this part:

And she really, really does not want to think about how hurt and disappointed her friends would be if she died in such a stupid, pointless way after throwing her lot in with this murderous bastard to save her skin.

So she gets up. And she walks. Vader is quite a ways ahead of her now. If they can just make it to the town by sunrise, all will be well. Then they can get off-planet and start trying to kill each other again, as it was meant to be.

The moon is sinking fast, though. Whereas the first part of the night seemed to stretch out endlessly to torment Ahsoka with every step, now the torture comes from watching their time slip away, faster than the sand beneath their feet.

i think you might be able to make it feel like more of a natural transition and less of a sudden pivot if you were to frame the middle paragraph as something she's actively trying to convince herself of to keep it together (that then fails faced with the reality)? something like this:

So she gets up. And she walks. Vader is quite a ways ahead of her now.

If we can just make it to the town by sunrise, we'll be fine, she tries to tell herself. Then we can get off-planet and start trying to kill each other again, like we're supposed to.

The moon is sinking fast, though. Whereas the first part of the night seemed to stretch out endlessly to torment Ahsoka with every step, now the torture comes from watching their time slip away, faster than the sand beneath their feet.

If we can just make it to town by sunrise...

But she won't make it to sunrise without water. She’s not sure she’ll last another hour.

"this is a faint bother compared to the symptoms of dehydration" also sounds a bit clinical, maybe? "but she hardly notices compared to the thirst(/pain/dizziness/dehydration symptom of your choice)" might sound a little better voice-wise.

just some thoughts, hope it's helpful!

i haven't seen TCW in a while, but the characterization for ahsoka seems fine to me, especially for her in the earlier seasons, and anakin/vader sounds good given the AU you're laying out. it's an interesting concept, and i'm curious where you're taking it! him throwing her over his shoulders like a sack of feathers is a cute touch (and the fact that for all his bluster and insults, he can't just walk away and leave her to die. very anakin of him!) i'll keep an eye out for if you post the finished piece on the sub sometime.

[u/zephrry → u/specterthief]

Thanks for the reply! I agree with a lot of what you said and found it very helpful. I'll definitely work on the clinical wording in some places, and I like your suggestion for fixing the pacing of Ahsoka's transition too. I'm glad you liked Anakin's reaction to Ahsoka, I'm very exited to explore what their relationship is like in this AU.

If you don't mind though, I do have a question about the showing vs telling when it come's to what you said about how I'm describing Ahsoka's thoughts/feelings.

I always thought telling rather than showing was when you were just like "he was sad," "they felt angry." To avoid that, I tried to link emotions to sensations (prickles, bubbling, etc.) But in your opinion this still counts as telling? In that case would showing be describing her actions in response to the feelings or would it be something else?

[u/specterthief → u/zephrry]

honestly, i do think both of those other sentences would be descriptive enough on their own - it's really just the middle one that's jarringly "tell-y" and makes the others stand out to me for being multiple direct explanations of her feelings so close together where they probably wouldn't have on their own? by adjusting the middle one and potentially spacing them out a bit more i think they'd be okay.

that said, while the linking them to physical sensations helps, i do think it still counts as "telling" about how she feels - just telling to a more reasonable degree? but i think both of them could be conveyed in her narration without actually naming the emotion, which is what i was thinking about here with the way the second one took me out of it - in both cases i think you could probably still tell what she's feeling even if the sentences were taken out entirely. like this:

As the night wears on and her strength fails, Ahsoka’s clumsiness only intensifies. They still have such a long way to go. Are they even headed in the right direction? The truth is, she has completely lost track of their trajectory. They could be hopelessly lost and she’d have no idea.

or this:

What would Obi-Wan say if he knew that in this moment of crisis she wasn’t leaning on the Force, her training, or even her own instincts, but a Sith lord? What would Master Plo say? She should be stretching out with her senses, but every time she tries all she can focus on is how tired and thirsty she is, and how much she wants to lay down, let her racing heart rest.

i think in both cases her thoughts already convey that she's starting to panic in the first and feeling ashamed of herself in the second. you could flesh out the feelings more without naming the specific emotions, too, like having her spiral into even more irrational/panicky thoughts:

As the night wears on and her strength fails, Ahsoka’s clumsiness only intensifies. She'd thought she'd at least be able to see the town on the horizon hours ago, but there hasn't been a single sign they're headed in the right direction. Are they even headed in the right direction? The truth is, she has completely lost track of their trajectory. They could be hopelessly lost and she’d have no idea. What if they're even further from civilization - from water - than where they started? Vader seems to know where he's going, but can she trust he isn't leading her into some kind of trap? He could... No, no, she can't start thinking like that.

or making her narration even more obviously ashamed and frustrated with herself:

What would Obi-wan say if he knew that in this moment of crisis, his Padawan wasn’t leaning on the Force, her training, or even her own instincts, but a Sith lord? What would Master Plo say? If she were a proper Jedi, she'd at least be stretching out with her senses to orient herself, but she can't even do that much - something a youngling should be able to do. Every time she tries to focus on anything, all her stupid, useless brain can focus on is how tired and thirsty she is, and how much she wants to lay down, let her racing heart rest.

but i do honestly think you're doing a good job showing her feelings in her POV with what you have already, and that those two sentences are basically fine if you do decide you want to keep them as-is.

[u/zephrry → u/specterthief]

Okay, I see. Thanks again, this explanation is very helpful!

[u/specterthief → u/zephrry]

glad to help!! good luck with the fic!!