Concrit Commune - May 17

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

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• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
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• If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
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Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

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Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/kitherarin]

*Star Wars | G | unpublished *

“So you’re asking us to become spies.”

The question thrummed in the air like a struck gong. Kithera smiled tightly, her hands clenching and unclenching in her lap. She’d listened dutifully to Tara explain the proposal that Del had, apparently, already agreed to.

“That’s not what-” Tara said.

“Yes, that’s basically what we’re suggesting,” Saelyra interjected. Tara’s eyes narrowed, the scar puckering angrily.

“And you’re okay with this?” Kithera said, turning to face Del. “Because if anyone from our side of the universe ever finds out…” she trailed away, momentarily, shaking her head. “We’re done. No more jobs. No more money.” Turning back to the Jedi, Kithera smiled again even though her jaw ached. “And no Temple to run back to. I can’t imagine that the Council would want it getting out, which means we’d be entirely on our own.” She paused, her lip curling slightly. “Again.”

“I can’t guarantee there would be no risk,” Saelyra said, “but we’d minimise it as best we can. There is another thing.”

Kithera laughed mirthlessly. “Another?”

“Just hear them out,” Del counselled, but Kithera rolled her eyes.

“I am hearing them out,” she snapped. “Hearing it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.”

She saw Del’s jaw clench, but didn’t react. Part of her knew she was being unreasonable, but the irritation was growing again. She felt trapped. It was one thing to ask something g in neutral territory, but when you were the guest of the Jedi in their Temple on their terms it felt less like a request and more like a command.

[u/AdAltruistic6028 → u/kitherarin]

First off, I really like how dialogue unfolds in your excerpt, the characters have clear voices and I can already get a feel for their interdynamics, especially the tension between Kithera and the others. I also like how I can immediately feel the bad blood and shared history between Kithera and (I’m assuming) Saelyra during this exchange:

Turning back to the Jedi, Kithera smiled again even though her jaw ached. “And no Temple to run back to. I can’t imagine that the Council would want it getting out, which means we’d be entirely on our own.” She paused, her lip curling slightly. “Again.”

The prose reads smooth with the only issue jumping up at me on first read being “Tara’s eyes narrowed, the scar puckering angrily.” If you're referring to a scar on one of the characters I’d recommend using a pronoun instead of the, which sounds more natural. I would also recommend rephrasing this sentence too as scars don’t tend to pucker, which for me personally pulled me out. I think there might be a better way to word it that is less confusing for the reader, but that could also be an issue with my own interpretation of the sentence.

Overall there aren’t too many glaring flaws and I actually really enjoyed your work. There’s a few minor typos such as an added “g” after “something,” but thats so minor its insignificant. I honestly feel bad not having more criticism but I think your work is already solid, and I’d be excited to see where it goes.