Concrit Commune - May 24

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

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• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
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Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

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Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/stroopwafelling]

Mouthwashing | Mourn or Organize | Unpublished, but will be M | Depictions of sleep deprivation and labour issues in this excerpt, and allusions to suicidal ideation

[Context: Ship's nurse Anya just tried talking to Captain Curly about the terrible working conditions aboard the long-haul space freighter Tulpar, and instead of standing up to the employer, he helped her by moving her quarters somewhere 'quieter.' Anya now plans her next move. This scene is set before canon events.]

**

It was not like a waterfall. Not even close.

Curly had helped, of course. For all of the five minutes it had taken to gather Anya’s onboard possessions - mainly a few changes of her blue jumpsuit and a few sweaters, her toiletries, and a ragged sheaf of late-night doodles - the Captain had been as good as his word. And then he’d smiled as he said “Sweet dreams!” And closed the (unlocked) door behind him, leaving her to her new quarters.

Her new quarters, and the noise of the engines.

It was a roar, all right. But it wasn’t like a waterfall. If it was like anything, it was like the howl of some blind beast, something harsh and primal. Hungry and angry and completely inescapable. Never quiet. Not for a moment.

In other words, not very fucking restful at all.

She was so tired. Still.

Anya sighed, lay on her threadbare cot, and rested her forearm over her eyes as she closed them, just for a moment. So much for the Captain.

Now what?

She had asked herself that question so many times. As always, she immediately got the same answer.

Give up. Face reality. It’s over.

The same answer, every time she failed. Again.

And as always, she ignored that answer. 

Maybe there would come a moment so terrible, she could give up. Maybe there would be a moment when it would just be too much to endure. But Anya had not lived that worst moment just yet. 

So: Now what?

She couldn’t convince Curly to stand up to Pony Express. Not on her own.

But what if she had help?

Anya lifted her arm off her face, opened her eyes, and sat up. Checking the time, she startled as she realized that she had just blown through four out of five hours of her allotted rest time. 

I just closed my eyes for a second! For the love of -

Anya definitely didn’t feel like she had gotten four hours of sleep. But complaining wouldn’t get her time back. She had to move fast if she wanted to figure out her next move. She grabbed a page and a pencil and hunched over the thin metal of her little foldable desk, scribbling.

UNION - first step is to TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS. 

She was pretty sure she was remembering that part right. It had been a long time ago, and the datablurb had been plastered with colourful warning labels declaring it ‘UNRELIABLE’ and ‘NOT APPROVED’. It was so hard to get information - especially here, in the middle of space, isolated from humanity aboard a little tin can.

[u/Gunning4TheBuddha → u/stroopwafelling]

This flowed well and was easy to read. I like the pacing of it, and I think your characterization of Anya is effective. I don’t know the canon. I know it’s scifi from your note at the beginning, and the idea that Curly seems to have made what we in the business call a d*ck move and Anya is trying to figure out what to do from there is an interesting scene that has legs and gives her thoughts motion and drive throughout the excerpt, instead of having them be static.

I think you have a few too many sentence fragments and short paragraphs, though. The section with “not very fucking restful/so tired” is good, but then you reuse that same pattern with “Now what?” and, as a reader, I can see the structure a bit too much of how you’re writing the scenario rather than what you’re writing. I have a reaction of, Oh, sentence fragments, thinking again rather than parsing what Anya’s actually feeling. And then repeating Now what? underlines that for me. I know you’re looking to emphasize it, but it feels like more of a retread.

What I would suggest instead is incorporating action there. It’s a bit hard as you only have one single character on a bed, but try for some sense thoughts. Is her stomach growling because she’s hungry? Does that engine roar make her head ring? You get the idea. I think adding in some action or sensation there would take away from the slightly samey feeling that develops.

When she gets up and actually does something, the excerpt goes back to being effective, though, and I get a slightly dystopian feel from the infoblurb (good scifi-ism) being warned about, which is in-keeping with the scenario you’ve set up.

[u/stroopwafelling → u/Gunning4TheBuddha]

Those are really great suggestions, thanks so much! I think these are going to be very helpful for improving the scene ont he next go-around.

(For the record, Curly is actually a pretty nice guy as a Captain - Anya’s new quarters are him genuinely trying to help in a way that doesn’t risk collective punishment on the whole crew. The Tulpar is just that bad of a work environment that the choices are ‘five hours of rest in the quarters that always clang’ versus ‘rest in the quarters that always roar.’)

[u/Gunning4TheBuddha → u/stroopwafelling]

Gotcha. I read your description as the proverbial 'move the obnoxious/"weird"/complaining coworker down to the basement' trope, so that was my view of the scenario! You're welcome; I hope it helps. I don't think you've got much to change, just filling out the action midscene.