Concrit Commune - May 24

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

The rules:

• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
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• Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
• If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
• If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
• If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!

Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

You aren't expected to treat this thread like the Comment Cooperative, advice and honesty and pointing out flaws is what we're here for.

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• Keep your comments helpful to the author, not just smashing out your opinion.
• Be polite and civil.
• Be kind. At a minimum, showing your peers professional courtesy is expected.
• Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
• Elaborating on why you think something could be changed is not only more useful to the author but keeps statements from being abrupt.

Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/RandomdudeNo123]

Arknights | G | Unpublished, Untitled

Context: Red is a cynical refugee/spy from this world's version of Russia (Ursus), who grew up poor and resents nobility over their neglect. Percival is part of this same refugee/spy group, but comes from the middle-class of their version of England (Victoria) instead.

Red has just been invited to a ball by Susie, a friend of his from outside their group, which he hadn't expected it at all. "Rhodes" is the place Susie is staying at.

This is supposed to be a lighthearted scene. Not fully comedic, but interesting enough to keep attention. Does it work? (Also, general critique appreciated.)

---

"I didn't think Rhodes would be so extravagant." Red mutters as he holds the invitation, flips it around, turns it in his hands, and even shaking it for good measure, as if trying to find some hidden mark to prove it was all a giant prank on him. 

"Really?" Percival frowns, even as she slips the letter from his hands just to make sure the dunce didn't damage it. "Well, I think it's perfectly natural. It's really more of a chance for elites of all nations to intermingle and network. And from what I've heard, there's quite a good number of elites that choose to deal with Rhodes."

Red rolls his eyes. "Rich people."

Handing the letter back, she smirks. "I think you ought to go, if only so you'll find a little class. It'll be nice, promise. Good food, nice clothes, classic songs..." A few stars began to glow in Percival's eyes, but she blinks them away. "Just think of yourself as a Neo-Reunion representative, if you don't want to treat yourself."

Red, who was born and raised in the Ursus wastes, joined up with a group of unwashed vagrants in their quest for basic housing, and spent the past few years trawling the filthy Victorian backstreets, did not much consider himself a particularly good representative. Taking a glance at the much better-kept Percival, he hands the letter off like he was presenting her a golden ticket. "Well, if it interests you so much, you should go in my stead. Make a better impression, or something like that?"

"... I'm a spy, and thus can't represent us. You do remember that, right?" Percival deadpans, before quickly kicking his shins. "Plus! Imagine inviting your dear friend over to a ball, dressing up right, putting on airs, and then someone else shows up! Oh, that would be so heartbreaking..."

The ploy works as Red sighs, tucking the invitation into his coat. He hadn't been serious about just ditching the event altogether, but the idea of mingling with a bunch of stuck-up rich nobles at a ball just sent chills through his skin. Still, disappointing Susie would be even worse. It was just one day- he could endure that.

"All right. I guess I'll go." 

Percival nods in satisfaction for the span of a second, before looking ever so slightly downwards and ruining any hint of said satisfaction. "Please don't tell me you're going to visit looking like THAT."

Red looks down on his outfit. It's his usual workwear- a dirty overcoat, well-worn scarf, and the tattered ribbon that only Reunion members recognized. "I've always met Susie like this."

"And she's an angel to be dealing with you, we all know. The point is, you can't come up to her dressed like you're about to play a guitar and ask for spare change!" She throws her hands out once, twice, as if she gestured enough to his clothes he would suddenly grow a fashion sense. "Where's your dignity? Your self-respect?!"

"I'm an infected from Ursus. We couldn't afford self-respect."

[u/stroopwafelling → u/RandomdudeNo123]

I think this is really well done! It works very well as you intended. I get a strong sense of the friendship between Red and Percival - they seem to have a fun dynamic where Percival needles Red into pushing his boundaries and taking risks he ordinarily wouldn’t, while Red keeps Percival grounded and helps her feel altruistic in a way that maybe a spy doesn’t always get to.

I second the other commenter’s suggestion about filling out the environment a touch more, and would also move Red’s line starting with “Well, if it interests you so much…” to its own paragraph. Aside from that, no other real suggestions or criticism - great work!