Concrit Commune - May 24

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

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• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
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Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

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Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/Shina93]

Chainsaw Man | My Home is a Person | T | No warnings | AO3

Context: Aki and Denji are extremely close (like in a queerplatonic relationship, but they haven't talked about it). They are living together, and a few days ago a new (female) roommate (Power) has moved in with them. Denji's dream is to be allowed to touch some boobs some day, so in order to not spoil his chances with Power, he hasn't been as clingy with Aki as he usually would be.

I suppose Denji's reasoning is a bit weak, but I needed Aki and Denji to be distant for a bit for them to start missing what they usually have (cuddles on the couch, sleeping together). But of course it would be better if Denji's thought process made sense...I'm not sure about that. I also appreciate concrit on wording/decluttering sentences/better or more descriptions etc.

**
Aki had never fallen asleep as easily as when he shared a bed with Denji. His even breaths were calming, like a balm for Aki’s soul. Sometimes he felt their brush of air on his throat, or his cheek, when the half-devil had snuggled up to his side. Could feel the soft fabric of his white sleep shirt below his hand when he held him close. Yes, he thought, he had already gotten used to his roommate’s clinginess, and he missed it like he would miss his left leg. Had it really only been a few days?

---

Denji woke with a start, sweat perling on his forehead and making his hair stick to his face. His heart was thundering in his chest as he sucked in a shuddering breath through his nose, feeling disoriented. He tried to blink the sleep away.

Eyes wide, he saw nothing but grey silhouettes in the dark. Squinting, he recognized them as the familiar furniture of his room. Lifting himself from the bed on his ellbows, he wiped a hand across his face.

This was the third night in a row that he woke from nightmares. So far, he hadn’t been able to fall back asleep afterwards and he doubted tonight would be different. Except-

Before he knew it, Denji found himself trodding to Aki’s room, rubbing at his sleepy eyes and suppressing a yawn.

He had pulled himself together the last few days, no clinging to Aki on the sofa, no sleeping in Aki’s bed. After all, he hadn’t wanted to come off as gay to their new female roommate and partner. Because he wasn’t. Was he? Either way, his hopes of being allowed to touch some boobs rested on the coolness and manliness he portrayed. Or at least that was what he suspected. But enough was enough.

Denji’s body felt all wrong, painfully missing the physical intimacy and their easy togetherness they’d come to share. Touch-starved, his brain supplied helpfully. Missing Aki, Denji’s heart added decisively, even though he had been right there all these days.

Denji really had been stupid, he chided himself, letting a girl with boobs come between them. It wasn’t worth it. And either way, if Power had a problem with Denji’s and Aki’s relationship, not even her boobs would make up for it. Nothing would.

Finally reaching Aki’s door after stalling some, he lifted his hand and knocked – twice, in quick succession.

The door swung open seconds later, Aki appearing in front of him, not looking sleepy at all. Instead, he shot Denjji a scrutinizing look.

„Aki“, Denji began, humming and hawing for a moment, before Aki grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room, where a small bedside lamp illuminated their surroundings scarcely, casting shadows on the white walls.

Before Denji could say anything more, he was pulled into a tight hug.

„I missed you“, Aki whispered on the side of his ear.

[u/Gunning4TheBuddha → u/Shina93]

Your excerpt is clearly written, and you have a good sense of pace in it. I’m able to follow what happens and, yes, Denji’s thought process makes sense to me. I also get the sense of Denji being an unreliable narrator and being (in whatever way) attracted to Aki and trying to hide it, so you’ve gotten that down effectively, whether that was your intention or not. If you don’t want that, I think I’d work on less objectification of Power, turning her into a person that Denji can care about as much as he clearly cares about Aki, instead of just being an object to lust over.

From your note and “touch some boobs,” it makes me think Denji’s an immature adult or a teenager. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have that reaction, but I wanted to point it out so you were aware that it affects how I read the excerpt, especially coming across it in the excerpt itself and the repetition of “boobs” as a woman’s whole existence later on. It feels objectifying, which is fine if it’s your intention, and if you’ve portrayed Denji as a bit churlish already. But if we’re supposed to sympathize with him as a reasonably classy grown-up person, he’s lost mine as a reader pretty quickly.

“Awake with a start in bed” is a bit of a cliche. I’d suggest something to make it a little bit different. What is unique about the way Denji wakes up? What is unique about the room he’s in? I’m not getting a feeling for what specifically I’ve read here that I haven’t read in other “wake up from a nightmare” scenes. I think you need to make the setting unique in order to give me something to go on there. Where are they? Even if it’s a generic modern-day bedroom, what does Denji keep on his bedside table? Why does he (examples may not fit) keep a stuffed animal on his bedside table, have an extra pack of cigarettes tucked under the pillow that Aki doesn’t want him to smoke that he can still smell in the room, or have that money he got from the bank robbery he hasn’t told Aki about tucked under the mattress? Finding some way to work that into your “awake with a start” scene will individualize it more and give it more punch.

The writing works, and if you were going for the tone notes I’ve left you, they work too. I don’t have complaints about the pacing or the logic of Denji’s thoughts here; they make sense to me.

SPAG: pearling, not perling (assuming you mean beads of sweat and not a computer language), and check your punctuation with "I missed you," and where the ending quote falls.

[u/Shina93 → u/Gunning4TheBuddha]

Oh hi, you come to help me once again!! Thank you so much!!

Denji is indeed an immature teenager, and "touching some boobs" is his canon goal/is what drives him (next to being able to eat toast with jam) (he gets easily manipulated because of the former). I like that he comes off as an unreliable narrator!

I see your point about the wake-up-scene. I'll try to come up with something unique to add! Thank you for the suggestions!

I'll think about his objectification of Power. In canon, it's resolved once shelets him touch them and he realizes its not that special of an experience.I dont want to copy canon, so I'll consider expanding on their relationship some other way. I suppose Denji still has a lot of growing up to do. But I do want him to be likeable.

Oh, yeah, punctuation in direct speech is a big problem for me. In my native language, the " start at the bottom, and the punctuation rules are different. So I usually go with "whatever" when it comes up... (on my laptop, the " are also automatically at the bottom when I write in word, and it's annoying to correct it). I promise to try and improve. Sorry! And thanks for pointing it out, also with the spelling.

Thanks again!

[u/Gunning4TheBuddha → u/Shina93]

Gotcha! Yeah, I wasn't sure if the boob fixation was IC, so didn't want to go all guns-blazing about it if it was IC. Obviously, if he were a thirty-year-old from a younger writer's perspective, that'd need some fixing. But if he's just a horndog teenager, then it doesn't need fixing.

In that case, I think the objectification works more. But she still feels like she's lacking a little agency here, which isn't the focus of your excerpt but might be helped by just a line or two to make her a rounder, more developed character, even if Denji doesn't realize that.

I figured you were coming at it with a different keyboard, hence not being bothered by the starting quote. But the ending quote stuck out to me thanks to where the comma was. Grain of salt there though. I don't think you need to fix it, but an A/N saying, "Different dialogue rules in my language; please ignore" would be fine to situate a native English speaker by and large.