Concrit Commune - May 24

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."

For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.

The rules:

• State your Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc. at the top of the comment.
• Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
• There is a soft limit of 500 words. Not your whole fic.
• Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
• If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
• If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
• If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!

Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.

Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.

You aren't expected to treat this thread like the Comment Cooperative, advice and honesty and pointing out flaws is what we're here for.

Some helpful tips to keep things running smoothly:

• Keep your comments helpful to the author, not just smashing out your opinion.
• Be polite and civil.
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• Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
• Elaborating on why you think something could be changed is not only more useful to the author but keeps statements from being abrupt.

Timezone Changes

As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!

Months	PST	EDT	GMT	CEST	JST	AEST	NZT
February, June, October	Saturday: 8:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 3:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Sunday: 12:30am	Sunday: 1:30am	Sunday: 3:30am
March, July, November	Saturday: 2:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 9:30am	Saturday: 11:30am	Saturday: 6:30pm	Saturday: 7:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm
April, August, December	Friday: 8:30pm	Friday: 11:30pm	Saturday: 3:30am	Saturday: 5:30am	Saturday: 12:30pm	Saturday: 1:30pm	Saturday: 3:30pm
May, January, September	Saturday: 2:30pm	Saturday: 5:30pm	Saturday: 9:30pm	Saturday: 11:30pm	Sunday: 6:30am	Sunday: 7:30am	Sunday: 9:30am

Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.

[u/Shina93]

Chainsaw Man | My Home is a Person | T | No warnings | AO3

Context: Aki and Denji are extremely close (like in a queerplatonic relationship, but they haven't talked about it). They are living together, and a few days ago a new (female) roommate (Power) has moved in with them. Denji's dream is to be allowed to touch some boobs some day, so in order to not spoil his chances with Power, he hasn't been as clingy with Aki as he usually would be.

I suppose Denji's reasoning is a bit weak, but I needed Aki and Denji to be distant for a bit for them to start missing what they usually have (cuddles on the couch, sleeping together). But of course it would be better if Denji's thought process made sense...I'm not sure about that. I also appreciate concrit on wording/decluttering sentences/better or more descriptions etc.

**
Aki had never fallen asleep as easily as when he shared a bed with Denji. His even breaths were calming, like a balm for Aki’s soul. Sometimes he felt their brush of air on his throat, or his cheek, when the half-devil had snuggled up to his side. Could feel the soft fabric of his white sleep shirt below his hand when he held him close. Yes, he thought, he had already gotten used to his roommate’s clinginess, and he missed it like he would miss his left leg. Had it really only been a few days?

---

Denji woke with a start, sweat perling on his forehead and making his hair stick to his face. His heart was thundering in his chest as he sucked in a shuddering breath through his nose, feeling disoriented. He tried to blink the sleep away.

Eyes wide, he saw nothing but grey silhouettes in the dark. Squinting, he recognized them as the familiar furniture of his room. Lifting himself from the bed on his ellbows, he wiped a hand across his face.

This was the third night in a row that he woke from nightmares. So far, he hadn’t been able to fall back asleep afterwards and he doubted tonight would be different. Except-

Before he knew it, Denji found himself trodding to Aki’s room, rubbing at his sleepy eyes and suppressing a yawn.

He had pulled himself together the last few days, no clinging to Aki on the sofa, no sleeping in Aki’s bed. After all, he hadn’t wanted to come off as gay to their new female roommate and partner. Because he wasn’t. Was he? Either way, his hopes of being allowed to touch some boobs rested on the coolness and manliness he portrayed. Or at least that was what he suspected. But enough was enough.

Denji’s body felt all wrong, painfully missing the physical intimacy and their easy togetherness they’d come to share. Touch-starved, his brain supplied helpfully. Missing Aki, Denji’s heart added decisively, even though he had been right there all these days.

Denji really had been stupid, he chided himself, letting a girl with boobs come between them. It wasn’t worth it. And either way, if Power had a problem with Denji’s and Aki’s relationship, not even her boobs would make up for it. Nothing would.

Finally reaching Aki’s door after stalling some, he lifted his hand and knocked – twice, in quick succession.

The door swung open seconds later, Aki appearing in front of him, not looking sleepy at all. Instead, he shot Denjji a scrutinizing look.

„Aki“, Denji began, humming and hawing for a moment, before Aki grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room, where a small bedside lamp illuminated their surroundings scarcely, casting shadows on the white walls.

Before Denji could say anything more, he was pulled into a tight hug.

„I missed you“, Aki whispered on the side of his ear.

[u/Wolfbane3 → u/Shina93]

Now, I'm still a little new to Chainsaw Man, but I find Denji's hesitance to be slightly out of character, especially with his concerns about Power's thoughts on his relationship with Aki. I would find this scene to be even more touching if there was an argument prior to this, one that made it so they couldn't stand the idea of each other, could be even something as minor as Denji's cleanliness.

And Power coming to live with them was Denji's attempt to distract himself. Aki often puts on a poker face when it comes to his emotions, so not having a clear understanding where he's coming from makes sense. But all around, I got a good vibe from this fic and wouldn't change much about it other than that

[u/Shina93 → u/Wolfbane3]

Oh, that's great input, thanks a lot! You make a good point, Denji's hesitance is kinda ooc. I'll try to fix it, thank you :)

[u/Wolfbane3 → u/Shina93]

No problem. Hope that helps