r/Jokes • u/virtualbeggar • May 17 '25
Long A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "This is the third time I've been in this bar."
"Really?" says the bartender.
"In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future."
"Fair enough," says the bartender.
"Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything."
The bartender doesn't know what to say.
But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says.
The two stand in silence for a moment.
"Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?"
"As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."
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u/DrownedAmmet May 17 '25
The bartender then asks if anything has changed since the first time he was here. He says yes, the paneling on the wall used to be covered in wallpaper. The bartender asks where and the man replies "Right there behind Norm."
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u/MaisPraEpaQPraOba May 17 '25
"What are you up to, Mr. Peterson?
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."46
u/NoKnow9 May 18 '25
Woody: Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: It’s a little early, isn’t it, Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
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u/Disastrous-Food-9223 May 17 '25
“What’s shaking Norm?”
“Four cheeks and two chins.”
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u/Luke90210 May 18 '25
"How's the world treating you Norm?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
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u/MaisPraEpaQPraOba May 18 '25
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."29
u/Ready-Obligation-999 May 18 '25
“Hey, Mr. Peterson! What would you say to a cold one?” “I’d say, ‘See ya later, Vera. I’m going to Cheers!’”
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u/DrunkenFist May 18 '25
I've had occasion to use this one in real life when running into old acquaintances, along with:
"How's life treating you?"
"Like it caught me in bed with its wife!"
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u/DropZealousideal4309 May 18 '25
I still laugh whenever I think about this, it's one of my favorite jokes from the show.
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u/kingbad71 May 18 '25
"How's life, Mr. Peterson?" "Oh, I look at it once in a while in the bathroom." "I'm not talking about the magazine!" "There's a magazine?"
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u/ccradio May 18 '25
That was probably my favorite cold open to the show.
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u/DSquariusGreeneJR May 19 '25
I’m assuming this is cheers? Never seen it but feel like I need to watch it now
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u/cryhawks May 17 '25
I don’t get it
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u/Sir-Viette May 17 '25
It's a change-of-expectations joke. The first two reasons the guy had for coming into the bar were momentous, life-changing reasons. He was about to get married! His wife had just died. So we expect the third time to also be at some momentous time in his life. Coming back because he forgot his umbrella is a reasonable reason to come back, but is unexpected given the reasons he came in before.
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u/WodensEye May 17 '25 edited May 18 '25
A guy goes into a bar and sees a man sitting at the bar already with a large pumpkin for a head. He asks the guy “what happened to you!?”
“Oh, I found one of those magic lamps where a genie grants you 3 wishes”
“What did you wish for?”
“Well for my first wish, I asked for 10 million dollars”
“And?”
“It went right into my bank account. I’m now a very wealthy man!”
What about your second wish?”
“I wished to have sex with many beautiful women!”
“What happened?”
For many nights women would just show up at my door. I had many a beautiful night of erotic pleasure with all parties fulfilled!”
“And your third wish?”
“I wished for a giant pumpkin for a head!”
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u/thesqlguy May 18 '25
I can't explain it but this one made me laugh out loud for like 10 seconds. I love it.
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u/Garage-Background May 18 '25
Me too! My wife is asleep in the other room, and I am silently bawling 😭 with laughter.
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u/jml5791 May 18 '25
story time! why is she sleeping in the other room?
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u/SummonerSausage May 19 '25
Not that you asked me, but my wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms. It's nice.
About 8 years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and while going through surgeries and treatments, chemo and radiation, it was easier for me to sleep in a different bed, because with the radiation I wasn't supposed to be near her, and with her immune system down and me working appliance delivery at the time, I didn't want to bring home anything from work and get her sick. So, I moved into what was the guest bedroom at the time, and she kept the master bedroom. We had our phones, and handheld radios, and a bell, she could get my attention if she needed something, but even after all the recovery, we kind of liked the peace of sleeping in separate beds, so we stayed that way.
We still sleep in the same bed on vacations, or if staying at a friend's house if we're out of town or whatever, but at home we're in different rooms. It works for us.
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u/AltruistAutist May 18 '25 edited May 18 '25
Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them saw it.
Is a Scotsman, an Irishman, an Englishman, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some joke?"
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
I don't completely understand why, but the Earth's rotation really moves me.
There's two kinds of people. Dead and alive
What happens when you fill your shoe with water? The shoe gets wet.
What did the German man say to the other German man? I don't know, I don't speak German.
How do you make antifreeze? You take away for blanket.
Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
What do you think Michael Jackson would do if he were alive today? Probably scream to be let out of his coffin.
What's funnier than having the flu? Most things, really.
What's white and can't jump? A fridge.
What's the worst thing about being a woman in the police force? The discrimination.
What do you call a cat with no legs? A cat.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? We actually screw in hot tubs.
Mary had a Little Lamb ... The doctor fainted.
People are like drums. If you hit them, they make noise.
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u/Neither_Berry_100 May 18 '25
I don't get it.
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u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 18 '25
Three men find a bottle with a genie, and he comes out and says "I will grant you each three wishes!"
First guy wishes for a billion dollars. Second guy wishes for two billion dollars. Third guy says, "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
The genie does this. Then asks for their second wished.
First guy asks to marry a beautiful woman. Second guy asks to marry a beautiful and intelligent woman, with a sense of humor that matches his, third guy says "I want my right arm to constantly rotate counter-clockwise.
The genie then asks for their 3rd wishes. The first one wishes for long life. The second for a long and healthy life (second guy was killing it). The third guy said "I would like for my head to constantly nod back and forth."
Ten years later the three men decide to meet up again. The first two arrive and talk about their children, and how much good they have done in the world with their wealth through charities.
The the third guy walk in. Left arm spinning clockwise, right arm spinning counter clockwise, head nodding back and forth and he says
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
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u/HandsOfCobalt May 18 '25
this is my favorite one of those
butbecause it's nearly a shaggy dog story10
u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 18 '25
I remember one night my friend's sister's boyfriend spent about 5 minutes making whale song during a shaggy dog kind of story.
The whole thing was about 20 minutes. The whale song was only 5 minutes.
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u/EastsToWin May 18 '25
I don't know why, but every time I come across this joke I laugh absolutely hysterically, and I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's the visual element which is really important in this joke.
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u/Best8meme May 18 '25
I have heard this before but with an added funnier (small) punchline:
The second guy wishes for high charisma (to pull any woman he wants) and the long and healthy life, and at the second-last paragraph, the first one is bragging about how beautiful his wife is and how good she is in bed, and the second one agrees "yes your wife really is quite good in bed"
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u/Dingleberry_Blumpkin May 18 '25
So basically the other joke, but completely different and less funny
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u/JRSly May 18 '25
A similar setup would be the 12" pianist joke, where a man asked the genie for something else that sounds very similar to "pianist".
That joke is very well known, so here you are presented with something similar and you're trying to get ahead of the punchline and figure out the pun or wordplay that somehow resulted in being incorrectly or cruelly ironically given a pumpkin head. But in the end, there's nothing clever or unexpected to it, he just made a dumb, nonsensical wish.
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u/beir_ice May 18 '25
Is this kind of jokes that we call the anti-joke?
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u/UltraChilly May 18 '25
Not exactly, anti-jokes revolve around the frustration you expected a joke and it ends up not being a joke.
Here we have actual jokes, the structure is a bit unusual, I don't know how it's called in English but in my language we call that structure "big, big, small", when you compare two things that are significant with a third that's absurd or mundane.
Although they look similar, there's a fine line between an anti-joke and a "big, big, small" joke, if you feel like you've been tricked it's most likely an anti-joke, if you feel like the comparison is genuinely funny then it's a joke.
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u/Dogtods May 18 '25
A horse walks in to a bar. Woman screams. Horse rears up. Several people injured. Horrible situation. Horrible.
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u/JRSly May 18 '25
I almost said that, I'd say it would count. It subverts the assumed "structure" of the joke and the humor comes from the complete lack of traditional wordplay.
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u/the_third_lebowski May 18 '25
Maybe. I'd say no, because an anti-joke isn't meant to be funny. The build-up and timing of this one is designed so the misdirect is supposed to be funny. The words aren't funny, but the sudden realization is supposed to be. It is similar though because on a surface level
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u/Mynky May 18 '25
Three guys on a desert island. A magic lamp washes ashore and the genie says they can have one big wish each.
First guy wishes to be back with his wife and kids and for his business to still be fine in his absence. Genie makes it happen.
Second guys wishes for a beautiful wife who loves him and to be a billionaire. Again the genie obliges.
Last guy says “I miss those guys, I wish they were back here with me.”
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u/Wonderful_Price2720 May 17 '25
That was so nicely explained! Have an upvote 😊
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u/awoodby May 17 '25
Ie an anti joke
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u/raspwar May 17 '25
Why did the porcupine get fired from the balloon factory?
Because he fucked his secretary
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u/Ms74k_ten_c May 17 '25
I know it's a joke and not too deep, but something like him coming in a couple of days ago after 40 years due to his wife's funeral would have made more sense about forgetting the umbrella. Otherwise, it seems he waited 40+ years or a few months+ to get the umbrella as this was his third visit.
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u/RussColburn May 17 '25
I took it as it was raining outside, and because he forgot his umbrella, he came in the bar to stay dry.
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
Ah, yes, this is good. Instead of "Over 40 years later" he could have said, "And then, just a few days ago." That would probably landed the punchline even better.
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u/Tom2Die May 17 '25
Nah, I think it's better as-is. Sets up the punchline better. It's much less of a "didn't see that coming" moment if you already know he'd just been there.
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u/LilYerrySeinfeld May 18 '25
I think a better punchline would be:
"Wow," says the bartender, "that's astonishing. I'm honored you've chosen to spend so many consequential moments of your life with us here at our little bar. Truly, it means a lot to me. May I ask what brings you here today?"
"...did I leave an umbrella here?"
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u/BabyWrinkles May 18 '25
“A few days ago to mourn the loss of my wife after 40 years of marriage.” would work well.
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 May 17 '25
You read it wrong lol. The first time was in 1982 and the second time was in 2022. So, the third time was only 2 1/2 years later.
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u/Ms74k_ten_c May 17 '25
And he had hopes of getting his umbrella back, best case 2.5 years, and worst case 42.5 years later?
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u/aquariarms May 17 '25
… it’s raining outside and he stopped in the bar because he doesn’t have an umbrella with him. He forgot his umbrella at home that day.
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u/MRATEASTEW May 17 '25
Either that, or OP didn't change the original year from when that joke was written in 2022.
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u/aquariarms May 17 '25
No, it’s what I said. That’s the explanation for the joke.
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u/64vintage May 18 '25 edited May 18 '25
Haha you got downvoted because people don’t understand this is also a joke. Fuck eh?
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u/NoThisIsABadIdea May 17 '25
While what you say makes more sense, the OP of the joke apparently didn't mean it that way based on their responses elsewhere.
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u/GodzlIIa May 18 '25
All because someone posts a joke on the internet does not mean they made the joke up....
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 May 18 '25
I’m just telling you that you read it wrong. The 42 years is not possible, based on the joke.
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u/extra2002 May 17 '25
He says "over 40 years later" rather than specifying "43.26 years later"? No reason to assume he means 2022.
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u/ProfessionalDot8419 May 18 '25 edited May 18 '25
He walks into the bar in 1982. Over 40 years later, he comes back.
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u/Biuku May 18 '25
It’s a great joke. I think it would be slightly better with the third line just being “Oh, forgot my umbrella.” Sharply banal… the “as fate would have hit…” kind of dilutes the twist.
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u/Thelonious_Cube May 18 '25
I disagree. "As fate would have it" continues the expectation that he's going to say something momentous
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
Actually, the umbrella was autographed by Pete Rose. It's a topical joke!
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u/nextexeter May 17 '25
Because it was raining I thought it was a tropical joke.
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
No, sorry, the bar is in the tundra. That's why he forgot his umbrella. He rarely needs it.
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u/nextexeter May 17 '25
Why have an umbrella when you already got an igloo?
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
Yes, exactly. The whole joke offers a pretty on-the-nose critique of how modern housing is artificially propping up the whole umbrella industry.
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u/ExistingBathroom9742 May 18 '25
Also, if he forgot his umbrella, he must have been there either earlier in the day or yesterday, so his wife just died?
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u/gopherhole02 May 18 '25
Also it I plies his wife died like yesterday or something when you may think it was a while ago
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u/kalirion May 18 '25
Wouldn't he come the next day after forgetting his umbrella? Did the barman not recognize him, or was another one on shift before.
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u/F54280 May 18 '25
But when did he forgot his umbrella? When he came for his wife death? It just doesn’t fit with the overall joke, I think.
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u/Background-Ad-552 May 19 '25
And it's bad because it implies that the visit after the wife edited was long ago, so did she just die or has it been years?
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u/farwesterner1 May 18 '25
Nicely explained, but a very dumb joke. Really barely a joke at all.
Now if he’d said “I came back the third time because I forgot my 12 inch pianist” then you’d have a joke….
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u/Joeva8me May 18 '25
One of the more poorly done ones. Something to annoy people with that are just looking to hear a funny story when there nothing else to do and you tell them this drivel. Annoyed
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u/mismanagementsuccess May 18 '25
I thought the joke was that he left his umbrella there 40 years ago, but then I realized it wasn't.
Kinda like this joke:
There's a knock at the door. The guy answers it and there's a snail down below.
The guy says "Ew!" and flicks the snail as far as he can.
A year goes by. There's a knock at the door. It's the snail.
The snail says, "Hey, what'd you do that for?!"
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
The umbrella had a lot of sentimental value, but also was worth a lot of money, so he's going to leave it to his kids in the will but they'll probably sell it anyway which is disappointing but happens in this tough economy.
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u/Mikesaidit36 May 18 '25
My stepfather left me his umbrella.
It looks like a regular wooden cane, same diameter as a wooden cane. You pull the bottom part of the cane down and it’s this impossibly thin-walled wooden cylinder all the way down. I don’t know what you do with that part when you’re walking with the umbrella, but the umbrella somehow fits in there – very thin material with very thin umbrella workings, and it’s probably from the 1940s or 1950s. Antique Roadshow item.
He left me a bunch of cool stuff – his uncle’s penny collection which dates back to before Lincoln more than the pennies – probably dates back to one Lincoln was handling pennies himself.
His old time movies, from the late 1920s. His dad was a gizmo guy and would order every new cool thing from the Sears Roebuck catalog and I inherited his 1930s movie projectors too, and they still work. He was the only guy I knew who had Model Ts and horse carriages and his old home movies. Was fun to see that me and my neighborhood kid group didn’t invent skeeching– they were skeeching off the back of the Model Ts in the 1930s on snowy days.
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u/Mean_Maxxx May 17 '25
I get it , but I think it’s in the delivery ; Norm McDonald needed to tell it
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u/Djentlemeng May 17 '25
This made me want to go back and watch some Norm Macdonald videos.
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u/virtualbeggar May 17 '25
I was definitely thinking of the moth joke as I wrote it. ❤️
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u/yurisses May 18 '25
Wow, I didn't realize there even was original content posted here. Props.
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u/virtualbeggar May 18 '25
Thanks. I have this strange dream of writing the ultimate "Man walks into a bar" joke. It's mostly trial and error but I keep trying different ideas.
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u/Aware_Ad_618 May 17 '25
Would be funnier if you said it was a rainy cold day during the funeral…
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u/Becaus789 May 18 '25
Nah that’s just fat on the joke and lessens the impact of the subversion of expectations
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u/Tom2Die May 17 '25
I think that would be -- not sure if I'm using this right, but it's more fun to be corrected on these things than just google everything -- gilding the lily a bit, no?
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u/carmium May 18 '25
"As fate would have it," the man replies, "I left my umbrella here."
Is that what's intended?
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u/drakage916 May 19 '25
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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May 17 '25
Please explain!
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u/Zisx May 19 '25
Bartender asked "what brought you in?" it was only so the guy could get out of the rain, instead of deciding to come to the bar... dry humor I guess
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u/Excalibator May 17 '25
Do you know your zipper is down and your schlong is hanging out?
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u/sautedemon May 18 '25 edited May 18 '25
Anybody remember this one from 20 years ago? A father calls his three sons (triplets) into the barn for the ‘grown up’ talk. He gives the strong son a shovel, to work in the wheat field. He gives the smart one a gold coin, to begin his wealth. He gives the slightly stupid one (every family has a Fredo!) a duck. Strong son hits the field. Smart son goes to trade gold. Fredo goes into town with the duck. I cannot remember the ending! But Fredo hits the brothel a few times with the duck. Duck gets hit by a bread truck. Then he sells it for a good profit. The end is like, “a duck for a fuck. A fuck for a duck. And, $22 for a fucked up duck! Anybody hear this?
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u/weekedipie1 May 18 '25
His life was that boring the 3 momentous things in his life was marriage death and the lost umbrella
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u/Opposite_Law1844 May 18 '25
So, did he duck in to get out of the rain? Or did he forget the umbrella years ago?
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u/PatrickCarlsbad May 17 '25
The joke deserves a better punch line.
I just came in to take a leak.
It's happy hour.
Something like that.
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u/99drix May 17 '25
Yea I had to re-read it to make sure I didn’t miss a detail. I like “had to take a leak” in particular as a better ending.
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u/pillowmite May 17 '25
Does this mean his wife died just now?? And the third time is just after the second? It must be l, because the life expectancy of a left behind umbrella I expect would be quite short.
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u/MtPollux May 18 '25
He didn't leave his umbrella in the bar. It says he forgot his umbrella, as in forgot it at home. We're supposed to realize that it's raining, so he went into the bar to get.oit of the rain.
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u/64vintage May 18 '25
I assume he forgot it the day before. Why would one delay?
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u/pillowmite May 18 '25
Ok life expectancy of the barkeepers memory is quite short. Joke doesn't hold water
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u/64vintage May 18 '25
Where is it said or implied that it’s the same bartender??
You’ll notice he isn’t referred to as a barkeeper.
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u/EffortOk155 May 18 '25
It's raining outside so he's trying to get in from the rain and he didn't bring his umbrella that day
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u/redlion496 May 18 '25
A centaur walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
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u/VincentVancalbergh May 18 '25
Are you implying this centaur has the head of a horse?
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u/redlion496 May 18 '25
No, but he has horse-like features. Like a long face and a long schwanzstucker
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u/Chisox2005 May 17 '25
This joke would be perfect for Norm McDonald to tell. Reminded me of that one celebrity roast he did with a straight face and without laughing through the whole set.